Thursday, January 22, 2009

I'm not gay. I just need to pee.

The restroom is deserted as I head in to relieve myself. I pony up to the cleanest urinal and start my business.
A few seconds later, another person disturbs my blissful solitude. My peripheral vision loses sight of where he's headed. I hope he employs the "every other" rule with urinals.

Another couple seconds go by, and I don't see him. He's not to the left, right, nor do I hear the tell-tale slam of a stall door. Perhaps he's fixing his hair in the mirror, or brushing his teeth.

Something in my gut tells me that foul play is afoot, so I turn my head ever-so-slightly to catch a glimpse of the situation.

Instantly, everything goes into slow motion.

This guy is deep in thought as he approaches the urinals.
Sometimes you can tell when someone is bothered, or pondering deeply by the look in their eyes. I couldn't tell if this was the case, but thought he must be thinking of something important or troubling as his eyes were pasted to the ground, feet slowly shuffling in my direction.

I'm in full stream at this point, when the bladder is working at peak capacity to empty itself.
Another second or two goes by in my slow motion world, and I feel something is terribly wrong.
I turn my head again to survey the situation, and notice that "Mr. troubled" is bearing down on my location. His head is still down, and he's headed straight for me.
I turn back to my urinal, wondering why someone would use a stall right next to me, with so many others that were open?

And then the unthinkable occurs as I'm "rear-ended" by this gentleman.

In my mind, I see this playing out from multiple camera angles.
His head is down, as he moves his hands to his zipper in preparation for the relieving event. Before he can initiate the unzip, a collision of epic proportions occurs as he runs full tilt into my backside.
I see this in my mind again and again in those microseconds from above, below, 3rd person, 1st person, and hidden camera. It's like Van Dam in "Bloodsport" where every one of his kicks are shown 14 times in 1.2 seconds to reiterate the fact that a 5'6" man can kick a grown man in the face. (if he jumps off a chair)

My free (right) hand goes up to the wall to brace the impact. An involuntary male kegel shuts down all flow in mid-stream, as I desperately try to keep any loose clothing from receiving collateral damage.

And then time freezes.

I'm certain that there are seminal moments in every person's life.
For me and the stranger, this was one of them. Any rational human being knows the events that should transpire after this booty-bang.
The stranger should mutter a short apology about not watching his step, and then head out the door in hopes that we'll never see each other again.

This gentleman obviously did not feel the situation was as important as myself.
He shook off the near-rape without a word, and went to the stall directly next to me. He used his free hand to find a non-booger location on the wall, and went along, business as usual.

As any guy could tell you, starting from a interrupted mid-stream stoppage is very hard to recover from. Coupled with my sudden tunnel vision that was caused by my near-molestation, I zipped up, and did a quick-wash.

I headed towards the exit, and gave the dark stranger a quick look. He appeared so relaxed in his current state. Like he was high-fiving the wall. I wondered what would happen if I tried to throw him out his comfort zone, by giving him a dose of his own medicine with a bum-bump. And then I recalled the story of Larry Craig, and the "return" foot-tap. Perhaps my backside-bludgeoning would be portrayed as an approval of the first mid-section-meld.

Exit stage left....never use that bathroom again. I just may start peeing in Mt. Dew bottles at my desk.


Da Old Man said...

That's crazy. Use the bottle from now on.

Anonymous said...

Was this at a rest stop? Something similar, or so I think because my parents wouldn't say exactly, happened to my father at a rest stop restroom around Christmas. All my mother told my sister was "Some man tried to get fresh with your father." That's all we know.

Kenny D said...

Unbelievable! That story has got to be fiction. Did he mistake your clean white shirt for a urinal? You weren't wearing your blue minty belt again were you?
If brokeback mountain jokes were still funny, I would say that is under the "poke-back fountain" category.

Gary ("Old Dude") said...

which kinda unlines the old saw---one never knows who you will bump into-----(lol)

Cameron said...

Thank god you weren't in some sort of public shower situation. Imagine not having a couple layers of clothing to protect your rear virginity. :)

Anonymous said...

That guy has to be a complete moron or operating under some potent mind altering drugs that has him in a condition of being unable to recognize his environment.

I'm pretty certain that no self respecting gay guy would ever contemplate such an ill-fated pickup technique as what you describe.

Matt said...

Old man--2 votes for the bottle.

UR--At work I'm sad to say.

Major--I wish it weren't true. He'll probably only recognize me if he's behind me in the hall.

Gary--Or when.

Cameron--When I used to shower in public (gym class), my senses were like the predator. Any encroachment into my 6 foot space with man-parts would result in a karate chop.

David--I'm sure he wasn't getting fresh...probably just not paying attention. But it's disturbing nonetheless.

Meg said...

As the only woman to comment so far, I've got to say, thank God for those involuntary kegels.

Anonymous said...

Maybe you have a magnet in your ass and his penis is made of metal? Could be...

Sarah's Blogtastic Adventures said...

Wow was he some sort of big wig at work? I smell blackmail.

Came over form Cameron's blog. I guess Idaho isn't that bad afterall!! : )

Anonymous said...

wow that was a really weird story.

Bex said...

Wow...that story had everything. Suspense, humor, horror, a little romance....

I am pretty certain, however, that I have NEVER been so distracted that an accidental bumping dirties transpired.

I suppose the female version of this is when a woman opens the stall (with the broken lock) that you're in. I've been both the victim as well as the perpetrator in this act. I often times have a hard time keeping a straight face, what with all of the creative hovering that many women employ.

Dinger said...

I'm kinda grossed out at the moment. Maybe he just thought you were kinda cute and was plotting his move. Maybe you should think about not dieting anymore, he probably just found your slim physique irresistable!!

Matt said...

Prefers--wait...what are you saying??

canadian--some call me a hard-ass, but metal?

Sarah--I stay out of the bigwig's private restroom. I think they have a coffee machine in there.

Chris--I lead a very weird life.

Bex--Luckily, his dirty was still zipped up. It was almost like a linebacker putting a block on the receiver coming over the middle of the field. Either way, I was left speechless.

Boise--My slim physique is a thing of the past. I currently resemble a pig with a panda suit on.

Alex L said...

Use the stall, always, I never use a urinal. You should have kicked him then run.

Unknown said...

I would look into getting a full time catheter LOL

I answered your "dead People" post. I took you seriously don't worry

Staci said...

Wow. Suddenly I don't feel the need to complain about how urine always manages to get on the seat in the lady's restroom or how there's never any toilet paper.

At least you have the option of a Mountain Dew bottle. Women aren't so lucky.

Me, You, or Ellie said...

Dude, he's blind.


just a girl... said...

omg seriously you are cracking me up. I am speechless and cant speak through my sorts. every other urinal I didnt know there was such a thing. and after the booger on the wall comment I am afraid I am scarred for life.

Unknown said...

Oh man I thought there were definite unwritten rules for the men's room. I know he broke every one and got a feel of your ass in the bargain. Yuch!

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