Friday, January 9, 2009

700 Billion dollars worth of Double Decker Tacos

As the impending threat of layoffs and cost-cutting measures fill up my ears on every news station, I have gone into "full-on panic mode." Every dirty nickel that I earn above and beyond my bills is going straight into our savings account.

Why even today I decided to skip going to Taco Bell for lunch. I headed home to save a little coin. While this may help my personal pocketbook, it is damning the economy as a whole.

As the IT department had my laptop for half the day, I divided my thoughts between beating my personal best at Sudoku, and who I was impacting by not eating at Taco Bell for lunch.

The following list is all groups/people who may have been impacted by the fact that I did not purchase a Nachos Supreme, Double-Decker Taco, and a large Dr. Pepper:

The owners of Taco Bell--Yum Foods. This is roughly $5.37 less towards their bottom line. I then checked out their stock price---It is ~10X the stock price of my company. I now have very little empathy for them. Plus, they also own Pizza Hut, who puts out those annoying commercials where they pass off Pizza Hut food as gourmet fare in a 5-star restaurant. The only positive thing about Pizza Hut is that they usually carry many circa 1980 video games in their parlor. Who doesn't want to play "Galaga" on a glass table-top monitor with sticky joysticks??

Every local animal shelter. When less dogs and cats are "adopted," how will we get our meat on the Nachos Supreme? Pretty soon, the shelters will fill up beyond capacity, and then we'll have to sit through more of those 14 minutes commercials of sickly-looking dogs and cats while Sarah McLachlan croons in the background. (I have no first-hand knowledge of this. A guy named Vinny told me this was the need to sue me. In fact, I have no problem with hybrids...including meat)

Fewer customers means more "smoke breaks." When I used to be in the restaurant industry, "smoke breaks" generally included smoking something for "medical purposes only." More "smoke breaks" means a higher chance to give 37 dollars change back from a 5 dollar bill.

By passing up this lunch, I did not have a 10 ounce bag full of paper and plastic to throw away. If this garbage were to be totally eliminated, you'd have numberless politicians who'd have nothing to talk about. Imagine the number of lobbyists who would be out of job. I will do my duty to keep these people employed.

The group of people who write silly "quips" on the hot sauce packets may have to make cuts as I use roughly 6 hot sauces per item. I almost feel like I have a relationship with them.

The manufacturer of those "shotgun sauce canisters" will be hurting. You know what I'm talking about right? They take these caulk guns full of sour cream, guac, cheese, and sauce, and then go all "John Mclane" on my chips. The more use they get, the faster they wear out...thus leading to new purchases.
I actually think this would be a great idea at the grocery store. Sell sauces and toppings in tubes that would fit into a caulk gun. You could have a potato bar party, and get to utter the words "One pull, or two" constantly. I totally have prior art on this....mark it down.

Gwen Stefani and Akon. How else would I hear the song "The great escape" other than the Muzak version played on the Taco Bell overhead speakers? I swear that the main way I keep up with newer music is to hear the Muzak version first. Some people hate elevator music...I call it product placement.

Tums, Charmin, and makers of toilet plungers.

There is one group that will benefit from my absence. I generally try to drink my weight in Dr. Pepper on each visit. My 7th grade math tells me that it couldn't cost them more than 10-15 cents for a full cup of coke, yet I paid $1.59. That means only 10 or so refills until they aren't profitable anymore. I usually try to make it a good 15 refills on each visit.


Anonymous said...

I think you think too much, but I'm glad you do, if for nothing else, for lines like this:

"They take these caulk guns full of sour cream, guac, cheese, and sauce, and then go all 'John Mclane' on my chips."

Not that all your lines didn't stand out. :)

Alex L said...

'That means only 10 or so refills until they aren't profitable anymore. I usually try to make it a good 15 refills on each visit.'

I'm guessing that coke also own a hefty amount of diabetes medicines.

Da Old Man said...

If you don't drink that much Dr. Pepper, I can only presume that the urinal cake industry will be taking a hit, too.

Anonymous said...

You had me at "sticky joystick".

Unknown said...

It's heartening that you think of the poor schmucks who aren't getting your $5 now. 15 Dr Peppers? Way to go.

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