Friday, January 16, 2009

The 7 new laws of the universe

In a recent entrecard dropping session, I ran across a site that caught my eye. (besides the massive number of blogs about pets...really pets? I just don't feel the need to dress up a hamster and take pictures of it)

This blog detailed the 7 laws of the universe. With a rough physics background, I was intrigued. I quickly learned that the laws are based on "metaphysics." (also known as--nottaphysics) I guess there are some that believe in universal laws of things like vibration, gender, motion, masturbation, and other things I don't recall.

There were also a bunch of references to hypno-therapy. I don't really have a need to quit smoking or quack like a duck on stage, so I contributed to the bounce rate of the web page and went searching for more cat blogs.

Since this time, I have thought about the "laws of the universe." The mumbo jumbo you read by these nottaphysicists will not improve your life or help you in your daily life. Below are the real 7 laws of the universe, and will greatly help your understanding of our earthly realm.

1-The law of Multiplicity:
(aka the taco bell law)
It's a little known fact that taco bell really only has 8 ingredients in their building. You'd be surprised how many different combinations of bacon, beans, cheese, and quasi-meat you can create. Using a little math, Taco Bell has found that they can create "new" items until 2024 without adding a new ingredient into the mix.
How does this help you? When they advertise a "bacon cheddar gordita crunch," think back on if you ate the "cheesy bacon double decker taco" a few years ago. Same thing...higher price.

2--Boyle's law of Walmart aisles:
Take a normal aisle at Walmart (roughly 3 feet in diameter) and try to insert 14 people who each weigh over 350 pounds (not including sweat pants or "riding carts") The increase in this pressure will decrease the volume in the aisle. If you take out 10 of these people, the pressure will decrease, but the volume will increase. Either way, there is no way you will get through the arm-rolls to buy your Frosted Flakes.

3--The law of diminishing returns:
(aka the chuck e cheese law, or the 2008-2001 401K law)
Take 20 dollars and your children to chuck e cheese. Purchase a bunch of tokens where your kids can play video games and other activities to earn tickets. Have them trade in the tickets for fun prizes and toys. Upon returning home, your 20 dollars will get you 3 monster pencil-top erasers, 6 tootsie rolls, and one kazoo. It will also get your kids diarrhea.

There is an 40% chance that the guy in the costumer in on the Sex offenders registry

4--Newtons 1st law of Wendy's:
This law states that a body in motion will tend to remain in motion unless acted upon by another force.
Wendy's is counting on this law in their drive-thru. Let me explain.
On roughly 95% of your Wendy's drive-thru visits, you will give your order, and drive up to the window. At this point they like to make the "double exchange." This is where you give the money, and they give you the food. If they have to make change, or use your credit card, you will get a sneer.
For a company that wants your business, it's like they want you to get the hell out of there. It's eerily reminiscent of the doorstep scene on my junior prom night.

5--The more for less law:
(aka the saturated fat law)
This law applies at most eating establishments and grocery stores. If you were to go to Arby's and buy a single sandwich, it would be 2.99. But they always run a deal where you can buy 2 sandwiches for 4 dollars. What if you don't want 2 sandwiches?? There is a conspiracy to make this society fat, and I'm spear-heading the class action lawsuit. I recently wrote about this in post about Big Macs here. I wish this law applied to cars and guns.

6--The law of divisibility:
This probably does not apply to everyone, but for the 4 years I worked as a waiter in college, it was prevalent.
I took home cash every night from my job at a restaurant we'll call Routback Steakblouse. My wife would make weekly deposits, and only liked to deposit the money in a number that was divisible by 5. This always left me with 4 or less dollars in my wallet.
If we had 319 dollars, she would deposit 315, and I would get 4 back. If we had 355, the whole amount was deposited, and I had to bum money off of friends, or use the law below.
7--The Credit law of inevitability:
A man enters a gas station for a Coke on 2 different days. The first day he has 5 dollars, and only purchases the Coke.
On the second visit, he has no cash, and has to use his credit/debit card. The man thinks it is silly to use a credit card for a $1.29 Coke, and so he picks up some BBQ corn nuts, 2 Whatchamacallits, and a beef stick at the register. If you are going to use a credit/debit card, you should at least make it worth your while. New total--$7.49. True dat.

While not all applicable in daily life, I hope these will guide you in your path away from nottaphysics.


Unknown said...

These are OH so true! You are brilliant! The last one is totaly me.

Funny funny stuff!

Anonymous said...

You left out the Schrodinger's cat of customer service:

"We didn't screw up. But if we did screw up, it's all your (the customer's) fault."

Unknown said...

Some excellent points here-- and I'm also enjoying Doug's Schodinger's cat of customer service. :)

Can we put the customer service rep in a box like the cat?

Unknown said...

I agree with a variant of Doug's comment and would add Heisenberg's
Law of Mickey D - You never know if the order you pick at the drive through window has anything you ordered in it until you open the bag.

Matt said...

dizzblnd--Thanks. I guess a better title would be "my universe" little as it is.

Doug--I go into a blind rage when I think of customer service. As these experiences are blocked from my brain, I cannot comment on them.

Jenn--Schrodinger pulls up memories of college...bad...bad.

Dan--Heisenberg's law can be applied to all fast food drive-thru's. Uncertainty can also be used in what kind of meat you'll be eating.

Amelia--Any semblance of logic on this blog is thoroughly dismissed. A quick read of one or two posts should show that the target audience does not have a grasp on its author.

Carmen said...

Law #5 is the bane of my existence.

Gary ("Old Dude") said...

nobody goes to walmart its to crowded. (lol), as for Taco Bell, yes its a place your stomach would consider a true thrill ride. (you on the other hand upon leaving may not be so thrilled. I HAVE heard of Chucky Cheese---but not big on horror stories, so havn't adventured into one. You make reference to Wendy's, but noticed no mention of MacDonalds, or Carl's Junior---?? Is there some dietary restriction at play here?

Michael from said...

Who enforces these laws anyway?

Michael from said...

Hey, wait a second, asshole! I just noticed the caption under the picture of the Chuck E. Cheese rat. I used to be the rat during the summer of 1993, and I didn't improperly touch anyone (except that one time)!

Meg said...

I knew one of those guys who worked at Chuck E. Cheese. He went on to post semi-nude photos of himself on his blog. A Taco Bell worker would never do that.

Alex L said...

40 percent... really. I think its definitely more than that!

Cameron said...

I don't understand. Who doesn't want two sandwiches?

Hey, thanks for representin' Idaho, I hereby withdraw my Idaho sucks remark ;)

Erik said...

Still searching for the ultimate pet blog.

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