That tears it....!

Pick your friends wisely

2009-06-19T15:30:00.000-06:00

Me: Hello Dr.
Dr Spitzer: Hello Matt. It's been a while since your last visit.
Me: I know. I've been busy.
Dr: With what? I haven't noticed any change in you daily schedule.
Me: Huh? Is that you parked in the green Camry every evening by my house?
Dr: Ahem...Let's move on, and discuss your problems.

Me: Fine. I had another "episode" at work.
Dr: Did this one involve an ice cream cone, handcuffs, and a shaved cat like the other episode?
Me: Huh?
Dr: Whoops sorry...that is Ruth Jones. Whoops...so much for Dr-Patient confidentiality.

Me: Anyhow, let me explain.
Me: I was sitting at my desk doing my daily work, when I was visited by a co-worker. A little chit-chat ensued, and I saw the conversation nearing an end. He then reached down and grabbed a pair of tweezers from my desk---
Dr: Excuse me? Why do you have tweezers at your desk? Are you a eyebrow plucker or shaver?
Me: These are not normal tweezers. They have a very fine point, and are used when I'm in the lab, and need to move something very small under a microscope.
Dr: And...
Me: Huh?
Dr: Do you clean your teeth with them?
Me: What? That's gross.....although sometimes I pick at my fingernails with them.
Dr: Okay Quasimodo...that's much less disgusting.

Me: So, he grabbed the tweezers, and walked out of my cube. I was slightly dumbfounded, and just sat there for a minute. He returned a minute later, and said "Finished!"
Dr: Finished with what?
Me: He proceeded to tell me that was able to pluck his gray hairs by his ears with "pinpoint accuracy."

Dr: Impressive.
Me: No...No...Not impressive. Disgusting! My lab/fingernail tweezers were just used as a grooming tool for a stranger.
Dr: I'm not sure why you're so upset.
Me: I'm not finished.

Me: He then notices my earphones connected to my Mp3 player. They are the kind with removable squishy ear buds at the end. He asks if they have good sound quality, and I answered in the affirmative. He then proceeds to grab them, and stick them in his ears, and asks for a demo....like I'm running a second-hand Best-buy or something.
Dr: So...what did you do? Did you get upset? Did you ask him to put the earphones down?
Me: Not exactly.
Dr: What exactly.
Me: I turned on some music.

Dr: You are an enabler. He is obviously someone who has no issues invading personal space or possessions, and you just fed the beast.
Me: I was flabbergasted. I froze. I felt like I was 14 at a church youth dance, and Cami Dyer came up and asked me to slow dance. I didn't say anything...i just froze.
Dr: So what are you going to do?
Me: It's already done. I threw away the ear bud attachments and the tweezers.
Dr: Why didn't you just clean them off?
Me: There isn't enough rubbing alcohol in the world to cleanse the mental images. Those items are dead to me.

Me: In fact, at that point I wouldn't have been surprised if he stuck his hand down my pants and asked why I preferred boxers over briefs?
Dr: Did you want him to stick his hand down your pants?
Me: No!! I'm just saying that I was frozen, and felt "possession-raped."
Dr: Calm down mister...those are strong words...I should know. Here are my suggestions. Get a shiny marble, and cover it in pepper spray or mace. Leave it on your desk, and then when he returns, tell him that it is a "flavor-ball" direct from India. He'll pop that cleary into his mouth, and the hilarity will ensue.
Me: That sounds like a terrible thing to do.
Dr: Yes it does. And that suggestion is free...as a friend.

Me: Now, about your nightly voyeur habits....

Swine Flu

2009-04-27T14:28:00.003-06:00

I mean swine floo....

Danny MacAskill

2009-04-24T15:13:00.002-06:00

I hate people who just post Youtube videos on their site, but this one is too good to pass up.

It's not funny at all, but one of the most amazing things I've ever seen. Well worth the 5 minutes, especially what he does at 3:10.

This is the coolest thing from Scotland since bagpipes.

Enjoy....

Clash of the Cretins

2009-04-17T09:30:00.001-06:00

Dr Spitzer: Hello Matt. Please sit down. Can I get you some coffee?
Me: No thank you.
Dr: So, what's on your mind?
Me: Well, I had a terribly disgusting experience at work, and having nightmares about it.
Dr: Oh...I see. Is this the one with the janitor, and the urinal cakes--
Me: Can we please not talk about that anymore?
Dr: Yes..I'm sorry. Go on.

Me: You see, there is this guy I work with who comes over to my cube on a regular basis to chat.
Dr: You do realize this is healthy behavior...talking with co-workers.
Me: I haven't finished my story yet.
Dr: Oh...I thought that was the end. Go on.
Me: Well, yesterday he was sitting in my cube discussing something mundane, when in mid-sentence he hawked a loogie.
Dr: What was he trying to sell you?
Me: No..he hawked a loogie. You know...he snorted some mucus.
Dr: Don't you mean loagie?
Me: No...I think it's called a loogie.
Dr: Really? I have always called it a loagie. Maybe I'm getting it confused with a large sandwich. In fact, that's probably what they call a mucus hoagie---a loagie? Lol.
Me: Are you finished?

Dr: Go on, but I don't see the problem in pulling a little nasal snort in public. Many people do.
Me: I don't think you understand the depth of this snort. He was in the middle of his sentence and then paused. He gave a short blank stare, like he was pondering his situation, and then he dug down to the depths of his soul for this mucus ball. In fact, I've never seen a human being look so introspective while producing mucus. It was like he was performing some act of contrition.
Dr: So, we've established that he's fairly disgusting. Let it go.
Me: I haven't gotten to the worst part yet.
Dr: I apologize. By the way, if you start using that loagie joke, make sure you give me the credit.
Me: Sure. Anyhow, after stopping mid-sentence to visit the inner reaches of his nasal cavity, the unthinkable happened.
Dr: He pulled out a multi-pack of urinal cakes??
Me: I told you to drop that! No, he hawked this loogie, and it obviously ended up in his mouth.
Dr: How do you know?
Me: Let me repeat--Mid-sentence--Snort--Pause--and then....he started chewing on something. It was like some foreign object had entered his mouth, and his tongue was exploring the surface.
Dr: I'm riveted and disgusted at the same time...like when I get into the shower, and--
Me: Dr!! Please!
Dr: Sorry.
Me: So, he is obviously unsure about how to deal with this fleshy goo in his mouth.
Dr: And...
Me: 3 chews, and a swallow.
Dr: What!?
Me: He just swallowed the little bastard, grabbed his coffee, and washed down the particulates and stragglers.
Dr: Right in front of you?
Me: Not only that, but then continued his sentence like none of this ever happened. I would have been less shocked had he pissed his pants. So I'm attempting to listen to his sentence, but I'm really just wondering if that's the mouth he kisses his momma with.
Dr: What would have him do? Spit it out?
Me: Yes!! His body was trying to expel the mucus, and he didn't follow through with the job.
Dr: This is truly a horrible experience. What can I do to ease your pain? Drugs?
Me: Sure...can I just get the combo pack again?
Dr: Done. My receptionist will have your prescription available at the front desk.
Me: Thanks Doc. I appreciate it.
Dr: Also, you forgot to pay for your last visit.
Me: You had me listen to Abba music for 30 minutes while you took a nap!
Dr: I love that Dancing Queen.

Tea Party Update

2009-04-15T17:23:00.004-06:00

I haven't seen so much talk about tea-bagging since I last watched "Oz."

And that's how we garner our PG-13 rating.....

A spring break complete with banana hands

2009-03-27T10:54:00.002-06:00

I was lying in bed the other night, and a great idea for a book popped into my head. Actually this is not correct. At first I believed it was a great idea, but it quickly unraveled into one of the many movie plots I've seen in the past.
The premise was about a group of scientists who experimented on humans to increase their 5 senses. Blah Blah Blah...lots of other boring plot, and I was about to abandon the idea when the title "Common Sense" came to me. I liked the title so much that I may still visit the idea. Is a book idea worth pursuing for a title alone?
I was excited thinking of the topic at first, but most of the plot-line led into "food tasting really good," and "sex being really good." (even for women)
Maybe I'll write it and submit it to Penthouse letters instead.

Why is it, that weight gain occurs everywhere on your body except your wang? In fact, the theory of relativity states that it will look smaller and smaller as you get larger. Why is nature so cruel?

Speaking of weight gain, I think I may have issues, as I compare everything to food.
Coworker: Did you like Slumdog Millionaire?
Me: Yes. It is like that great Mexican place that everybody visits, but is still really cheap.
Coworker: ???

Friend: How are your March Madness brackets going?
Me: Like a Taco Bell Nachos Supreme without the cheese.
Friend: ???

Wife: Are you coming to bed?
Me: Do I need a reservation, because I have a 2-for-1 coupon for the all-you-can-eat buffet.
Wife: Is this another one of your creepy ways to ask for sex?
Me: Is it working?
Wife: Does it look like it?

I believe that you'll be seeing much less of me around here in the future.
I have plenty of stuff to write about, but sometimes I feel like a slave to the schedule. I'll be the first to admit that I like people reading my blog, and appreciate the time you take out of your schedule to do so. Unfortunately, if I post once or twice in a 4 week period, there won't be many people left to come and visit. I usually don't visit a blog that doesn't update their content regularly. I just subscribe to their feed. The same will happen here.

My inner Tony Robbins has told me that "I own my blog," not the other way around. Posting less regularly will show my blog that I am the boss...even if it does mean that I will lose a lot of traffic and visitors.

Here's the kicker about the spawn of this blog. It was born from the afterbirth of ridicule.

I was unfamiliar with the blogosphere until last Spring. After catching wind of all these "Mommy blogs" who posted pictures of their house, children and dog, I had a field day. Why would someone want to post this private information on their blog? I will know when you are out of town, what color you changed your hair to, when your kids have puked, etc.

There are blogs about cats, horses, Dungeons and Dragons, Pinoy scams, Lottery numbers, Sexual positions, and thousands of other items. Why couldn't I write a little bit of humor on a blog?

My grammar skills have always bordered upon piss-poor, and I have never formulated my thoughts well on paper. In person, I can spin a yarn with the best of them, but I wanted this to translate to print. Like many bloggers, I someday would like to write a book, although it would not be humor.

It struck me that it doesn't matter what anyone writes about---usually they are passionate about the topic. This is where I have gained respect for most blogs out there. Perhaps you carry your camera 24/7 in order to capture every situation your kids may see. You then share your feelings thoughts and pictures to ten's of people who may actually want to see them. Good for you, and for sharing yourself. (On this note, and being completely truthful---why would you want pictures of your children and family in the public domain? I suppose that ignorance is bliss, and you may not care who views pictures of your family. I feel there is too much depravity in the world today, and if some 49 year old pervert wants to collect pictures of children on swings, he won't have mine in his library.)

After almost a year of blogging, I have put out some good and crappy posts. I have also gained a respect for anyone that shares a little part of themself, whether it be through their pets or their kids.

I always tried to steer clear of topics that I wouldn't want my kids to read as teenagers. I would hope that in 5 years, my oldest daughter could read my blog and get a little chuckle. (At the moment, I have very little....especially in front of her friends)

Regardless of what others thought about the humor here, I knew that I could always make my wife laugh....and this means a lot to me. She didn't care what my bounce rate was, how many unique visitors I received, or that I crossed 1000 visitors in one day last month. She just enjoyed the writing....and that's why I'll still post here from time to time.
So, please go to the right-hand corner and subscribe to this feed. I promise that roughly 50% of my posts will be funny....even if you only get one a month.

Things I never told anyone--episode 5

2009-03-18T10:30:00.001-06:00

I believe that many of my current issues can be traced back to my childhood. I'd write a book of weird childhood experiences, but am certain that I'd be sued for defamation.
My elementary school years were spent every day with my best friend. (we'll call him Joe)
We spent every day together playing in the fields near our houses. We built forts, caught fish, and shot birds with a BB gun. I'd leave in the morning, and wouldn't return home until dinner. I'm surprised my Mom allowed it. Times must have been different then.

If my kids leave the premises of my property, my internal "psycho" dad alarm goes off, and my over-protective Dad genes take control. I'm on the ready, like John Matrix in Commando to do whatever it takes to protect my children.

One afternoon, Joe and I went on a search for his Christmas presents in his parents home. We searched through the garage and house until our journey led us to his Mom's closet. He stood on the chair and pulled down a large stack of boxes. We found old keepsakes, boxes of scarves, and were about to move on to the next hiding spot...until we came to the last small box.

I went out of the room to ensure that nobody was around to catch us in the act. Feeling comfortable that we would not be caught looking at the new GI Joe or Lego set, I went back into the room.

Joe had opened the box, and was examining its contents. Unfortunately, it was not a toy. Well, that is incorrect. It was not a toy that we were interested in...but I'll be damned, it sure was a toy.
(Note to readers. I was a VERY innocent boy raised in a religious household. I was slow on the "perversion" curve. In my defense, I have caught up, and surpassed most others since this point. My mom would be disgusted.)

Joe reached out of the box, and pulled out what I could only describe then as the handle of a light saber. Other pieces were in the box, and obviously attached to the light saber like some sort of transformer. (Boom...I just coined "prior art" on any future adult toy that might be called "Rodimus prime." If you see this in the future, let me know, and I'm suing.)
The wife saber actually looked like Hellraiser had designed a new line of cat toys made out of silicone....spiky balls, dangly things, extensions.

In my defense, I didn't touch any of the box's contents.

We moved on looking for the Christmas toys as this was obviously not our ultimate destination.

Needless to say, some things should be kept in the gun safe.

And please...for the sake of the children, lets keep the comments PG-13. Remember the children!!

It's the economy stupid!

2009-03-16T11:30:00.000-06:00

Amidst the collapse of our economy and my 401K, I always try to look on the positive side,
Take the economic hardships, and political shenanigans on both sides of the aisle.
This has literally been the draw for over 40% of my posts. If it wasn't for the economy and poop jokes, this blog would cease to exist.

So to maintain the 40% coverage of the financial crisis, I wanted to share another positive that we can take out of this mess.

I dare say that the most common phrase in today's society is "because of the economy," or some variant of this. In fact, this has become the great excuse for millions across the country.

"Are you buying a car?"
"Not in this economy."

"Let's go out to dinner."
"I can't afford it in this economy."

"Did you see the game?"
"I canceled my cable because of the poor economy."

I will admit, that I have said similar things, or thought it to myself, but I think we can take this excuse much further than we already do.
I believe that I/we can use the economy as an excuse for just about anything in our lives.

Look-see.

Neighbor: I noticed you still have your Christmas lights up. You realize that it's almost Easter right?
Me: I was going to take them down a couple months ago, but haven't found time in this poor economy.
Neighbor: That doesn't make sense. What does the economy have--
Me: See ya. I'm late for my pedicure.

Any random telemarketer: You would be foolish to not take advantage of this new interest rate!
Me: I would be foolish to refinance my house when I may get laid off in the next 6 months because of the economy.
ARM: But these rates are at an all-time low.
Me: What would you say if I told you that I bathing in salsa right now? Would you suggest Doritos or Tostitos?
ARM: click

Nurse: You weigh 179 pounds. This is your heaviest weight ever.
Me: I have really been down lately because of the economy.
Nurse: You do realize that your ass looks like a giant cheese block trampled by football players?
Me: Did you say something about cheese? mmmm.

Cable Internet provider: The block was placed on your account because you were downloading illegally.
Me: I can't afford Internet service AND to buy Cd's in this economy. Which should I stop purchasing?
CIP: I'm sorry sir, but that isn't my problem.
Me: Then why are you calling me? Click

Wife: Did you do another blog post today?
Me: Yes.
Wife: What is it about?
Me: The financial bailout.
Wife: Again?
Me: In this economy, what else do expect to write about? Poop? Hmm...that gives me a couple new ideas.

Friend: The new U2 album isn't very good.
Me: I hear it was because of the economy. Or perhaps that their combined age is like 250 years.

In fact, I've heard this excuse in the damnedest places lately.

Me: (nudging wife) How's the weather over there? (wink wink)
Wife: Huh?
Me: You know, what does the forecast show for me tonight?
Wife: What are you talking about? Why are you winking?
Me: C'mon, my "warm front" is approaching in front of a big love storm.
Wife: Are you asking for sex in the form of "weather analogies?"
Me: Umm...I suppose. Is it working?
Wife: That is the weirdest thing I've ever heard.
Wife: You know....I really want to....but this news on the economy has gotten me really down. Sorry.
Me: Can you give me a 5-day forecast? How about the 10-day?
Wife: ....

Random guy at restaurant: I've heard people are cutting spending so much in this poor economy, that many are shopping at thrift stores for clothes.
Random guy's friend: I think you're right. At Walmart yesterday, I noticed a bunch of people wearing sweats.
Me: (In my head, screaming as loud as I can) You idiots....I've been playing "sweats-count" at Walmart for years. My daily best is 27. 27 PEOPLE WEARING SWEATS in one building that isn't called Golds Gym!

Employer: I'm sorry Matt, but we're going to have to let you go.
Me: What! This is terrible. Was it because of the poor economy?
Employer: No. It is because of the 250 megs of video clips downloaded from Rock of Love: Love Bus.
Me: But I like Brett.....

Weird Science. (or Weird science)

2009-03-13T14:02:00.005-06:00

As an engineer, I took grundle-loads of Physics and Math classes in college. I found it interesting that science had explanations for everything in our world. Physics equations could be used to describe the melting of a Popsicle, or the transfer of sound from a fart through jeans.

In a previous post, I described laws of the Universe that we see in our world today. Unfortunately, my quasi-boring-analytical mind is recognizing more patterns in the world of entertainment and politics that are completely described by science.

(On a completely separate note which will be completely surrounded by parentheses; the word "science" is used far too flippantly today. How do we know global warming is true? Science. How is global warming not true? Science. If science a proper noun? Should it be capitalized? Should we refer to Science/science as a deity? What about someone referring to the "science of God?" Isn't this a problem statement? Something like dueling banjos? I digress.)

The Fibonacci weight gain sequence:
0,1,1,2,3,5,8,...

As you know, the Fibonacci sequence relates to a mathematical list of numbers where the next number is the calculated by the sum of the two previous numbers.
I am currently practicing this mathematical model in terms of my weight gain. Let's form a hypothesis.
I enjoy eating Nachos Bellgrande from Taco Bell. Eating these every day for a week will enlarge my stomach, thus requiring me to eat more Nachos Bellgrande. Along with this comes increased weight gain.
And from there, the sequence is set. Week 2 I eat two Nachos Bellgrande's a day, and enlarge my stomach even further. The ensuing weight gain is evident.
Pretty soon, the numbers are so high, that my ass has more dimples than a golf ball, and my gut can actually house an entire bowl of Fruity Pebbles with limited milk spillage.

The Geometric sequence of child-birthing and irritability:
a+ar+ar^2+ar^3+...

Currently Octomom is following this pattern in regards to having children. The next go-around of in vitro may yield 48 children.
In addition, the byproduct of this scenario is the level of irritability that we all have when we hear about this stupid situation. I'm obviously not helping here.

The OJ to the zeroth power rule of constancy:
2^0=1 15^0=1

Any number to the zeroth power is one. OJ proves this rule every time.
Take any act that OJ has committed, and you'll always get the same result---His self-proclamation of innocence. Never fails.

In addition to patterns, probability plays a large role in our world. Let's explore.

The Guassian law of broken promises:

The middle class of today's society obviously is the largest makeup of income, or should we say they are 1 sigma of the distribution.
Now let's see what politicians promise to the rich (upper tail of the distribution), poor (bottom tail of the distribution), and the middle class.
To the poor--We'll give you lots of money and programs to help bring you out of poverty. TRUE
To the rich--We'll raise your taxes as you have plenty of money. You need it less than others. TRUE
To the middle class--We'll lower your taxes, lower your bills, and help you out. (note the Grey term---"help" the middle class) FALSE

The wandering ant on a square grid of economics:

Take the case of a wandering ant on a grid. Each step moves him to a new square.
Will the ant still be on the square in 10 steps? 100 steps?
This same law applies to bank bailouts. Will AIG or Citigroup still be around after 7 bailouts? 10 bailouts? Who knows? Let's keep trying the experiment...it's not like my children have anything better to do with the money.

The stimulus plan of percolation:

Imagine you place a porous stone in a bucket of water. What are the odds that the water will reach the center of the stone?
Same concept with Uncle Sam. They sure are throwing a bunch of water at the problem, but will it reach its intended target? (See Gaussian law of broken promises above)

And lastly, there is one that may affect more people than any above.

Janitor's law of probability:

When a janitor comes calling in a work restroom for some cleaning, there is a 86% chance that you are only 14% into your craptacular experience.

Yanitor!!

Parenting 101::Lesson 16--Music

2009-03-11T10:00:00.000-06:00

I realize that as parents, we have a responsibility to teach our children the morals and principles that we deem correct, and then let them choose for themselves. There are some ideas and teachings that I feel are important, and try to emphasize these strongly.

Unfortunately, there are other things I think I am passing on which may be unintentional.

You'd think that our house would be rocking with Hannah Montana or the Jonas Brothers as I have 9 and 6 year old daughters.
You'd also think with my 2 little boys, that "Hot potato" by the Wiggles would be constantly sung in the car.

Not so.

Just yesterday, my 6 year old daughter started into "I used to roll the dice." (Viva la Vida by Coldplay)

And then later in the car, my 4 year old son turned in a Jagger-esque performance when he bursts out with "I see a red door, and I want it painted black." (Paint it black by the Stones)

So much for the Golden rule, stay away from strangers, or don't litter....My kids are obviously gleaning only what they wish from my parenting.

JD's mis-Fortune with INXS

2009-03-09T16:00:00.000-06:00

In a spot of late news, I wanted to discuss the firing of JD Fortune from INXS. If you haven't heard, it was reported that the band told Fortune that we don't have What you need.

For those that don't know Fortune, he was the winner of the 2005 reality show entitle Rockstar: INXS. He was able to Mystify the crowd and band to take the place of former lead singer Michael Hutchence who had killed himself years earlier, perhaps wrestling with a Devil Inside.

One of these two made Rockstar: INXS "must-see" TV...guess which?

Fortune was supposedly deep into Cocaine use on the bands last tour to find a New Sensation. His erratic behavior to the band obviously led INXS to Kick him from the band.

Fortune states that he was left with a handshake in the Hong Kong airport with no Bitter Tears, and went On my way. He obviously wanted to Disappear as he know lives in his car. (not known if it is down by the river)

INXS responded by saying his statement was untrue, and that they had lost Faith in Each Other. Even their manager did not choose to Mediate the situation, and categorically denied Fortune's claims.

I am one who is truly disappointed by this news. I have followed INXS from their beginning, and hoped that the Afterglow from their TV series would propel them to more good music.

Is Gavin from Bush the long-lost twin of Hutchence??

Perhaps it is true that the band will never be good again since Hutchence committed Suicide. Blonde performer Suzie Mcneil would have been a better fit for the band than Fortune, but didn't even make the finals on the TV show.

Exterminating the litterbug

2009-03-04T21:23:00.001-07:00

I can remember the last time I intentionally littered. I was 16 years old, and had just visited a fast food joint with some buddies. After finishing the burgers, I noticed the guys throwing their garbage on the floor of my car. I quickly told them to clean up their trash, which was followed by defiant laughter. I pushed the issue, and they said that the only other place to put it was outside. A few of them threw their trash out the window while I was driving, and to be as "cool" as them, I followed their lead.

I may have littered previous in my life, but I don't remember it. I definitely remember this time. I felt awful. We had literally piled a dozen burger wrappers and our drink cups on the side of the road.

I felt so bad, that I later returned to the scene of the crime to clean up the mess.

Since this time, I try very hard to clean up after myself. Don't misunderstand me...I'm not thinking about joining Greenpeace, or giving money to do away with landfills. I drink bottled water, receive about 78 plastic bags every trip to Walmart, and flush all my condoms.

I live in a blue-collar Podunk town in Idaho. And unfortunately, our city is dirty. Trash in the streets, trash in many yards, and trash in the fields. The car wash I frequent had an old washer and dryer lying in the adjacent gully for months. You'd think that someone would have strapped them to the roof of their Cutlass Supreme as the "wanted" section of our local Craigslist is the largest of all the sections.
Perusing Craigslist the other day, I noticed that someone had asked for a free car. They didn't want a piece of crap, as the the ad stated that they "needed something newer than a 2002, so that they didn't have to do any repairs." They also mentioned that they were "short on cash, but could trade vacuuming and bathroom cleaning" for the car. I didn't respond, as I need my car, and I especially didn't want someone to clean up my pubic hair.

The other night, my family visited a local eating establishment. My son (4 years old) came out with me a couple minutes before the rest of the crew were finished as I needed some fresh air.
His attention was quickly turned to a hubcap that was lying on a grass berm. He went over and tossed it around, despite my 16 requests to come to the car. I used angry tone, nice tone, loud voice, patient voice, but no dice. Somehow he didn't see me as a threat as I never got up from the drivers seat.

The wife came out with the rest of the crew, and he saw that he would be left at the Taco Time unless he got in the car. As he ran to the car, his eyes instantly turned to an empty beer bottle in the parking lot. As boys are prone to do, he picked up the bottle and gave his best impression of Ichiro. Unfortunately, as he pulled his arm back to make the toss, the open end of the bottle was pointed down, and the contents of the bottle emptied onto his head and clothes.

He turned to me wondering why it looked like he'd just been freed from the Matrix. The gooey sludge that covered his head was unbelievably disgusting.

My kids have done some pretty disgusting things, and put some pretty gross things in their mouth.
It wouldn't be stretching the truth to say that my kids have had any/all of the following in their mouth:

Toilet water.
Dog food.
Toilet water turned yellow.
Human fecal matter.

But the gut-wrenching smell that emanated from my son, topped all disgusting experiences to date.

As he approached, the tell-tale smell of mint snuff permeated the air. Yes...my son had poured tobacco spit on himself. If he was 18, he could probably have filmed it with his shirt off and made some money.

As we rode home with the windows down, and a naked kid in the car seat, my resolution to never intentionally litter was cemented.

So, the next time you feel the need to leave a Mt. dew bomb, used needle, or an old retainer in a parking lot....think again. My 4 year old will find it, and I will hunt you down like Liam Neeson in "Taken."

Juiced!!

2009-02-25T11:00:00.001-07:00

AP: Backwoods Idaho -- I'm calling this press conference to set the record straight about my past performance. I need to address rumors that I took performance-enhancing substances to enhance my blogging.

First, bear with me. I'm a little nervous, or a lot nervous. Let me start by thanking fellow bloggers, and my half-dozen fans for your support.

Unfortunately, it is true that I also took substances in the past to increase my blogging performance.

On one hand, it's a little difficult to admit mistakes, but on the other hand, it feels good to move forward.

I took these substances in 2008 from July to September. I was posting far more regularly than I do know, and humorous material was coming to me much quicker.

I screwed up big time!. Me and my cousin started taking substances that he got from the Dominican Republic. My cousin would supply me with things to keep my performance high.

When you're young and stupid, you're young and stupid.
I didn't know what effect the substances would have, or whether I was even taking them properly.

I would hope that we can move forward, and I would hope that you would judge me from this day forward.

This concludes the press conference, and no questions will be taken.

ESPN correspondent Tim Kurkjian:

You have just heard a stunning announcement that could forever hang over the career of this mediocre blogger.

Our crack investigative team has discovered more details into this shocking revelation. It has been found that for the period of time from July-Sep 2008, Matt's cousin was supplying him with Vero Mango candy, Chiclet's gum, and Tamarind soda pop.
These items can be very dangerous when taken together, and will certainly help blogging performance.

Let's take a look at the stats, and you'll see the correlation.

In the July-Sep time frame, Matt had posts that not only attracted more visitors, but garnered several more comments that he's had at other times in his career. For example, take a look at:

News you really need to peruse
Banana hammocks out in full force
Reason #17 why you shouldn't shop at the Wal-marts.

In addition, his posting percentages were astronomically higher. In this timeframe, he averaged almost 4 posts a week. He's lucky to put out 2 pieces of drivel a week in his current state. And have you read the stuff he has lately? He's starting to talk much more about his personal life, rather than put out a half decent humor piece. Who cares if he's growing a beard, or is working on finishing his basement.

Some may actually wonder if Matt should start taking these substances again, just so his material borders on the readable. In its current state, "That tears it...!" should probably be rescined by blogger. He's an embarrasment to this profession, and can't even crack the top 20 on Humor-blogs. Even LOL cats can make a top 20 list. What a shame.

Caption this: "I'm not a terrorist" edition.

2009-02-23T15:00:00.000-07:00

Over the years, I have tried all sorts of facial hair. Soul patch, Poets beard, chops, mutton chops, lamb chops, chin strap etc. In fact, the only thing I've never tried is a full beard, or any sort of hair on my upper lip. I've always been morally against having any sort of mustache. It seemed so dirty.

So in my forced furlough from work, I decided to let my face go completely ape-man. It was a disgusting sight, and has since been shaved. For your enjoyment, I bring you to my first (and probably last) caption contest. It is the full beard in all its glory.
Flame away. The meaner the better. I overcame my physical short-comings year ago.

I'll get things started with a few suggestions of my own. Whomever I deem the winner of the contest can have their choice of 500 EC credits, tips on how to dominate at Call of Duty 4, or just good old fashioned blog-comment praise.

Hey, is that the ugly twin of J.D. from Scrubs?

(the wookie sound)

Why did you crop your fat gut out of the picture?

Is that a grown-out flat-top?

As you're now on a government watch list, every flight will be a "red-eye" from now on.

At least it hides your double chin. (or is it triple?)

You've got a face made for radio.

What the Hell is with your creepy right eye?

Heavy Petting

2009-02-19T16:49:00.005-07:00

It appears that having fish as a pet is no longer interesting for my kids. You'd think that having fish called Tiger barbs, Gouramis, and Clown Loaches would be enough for a kid.
It's obviously not as we've been getting the full-court press from the kids to get a more interesting pet.

We've decided to take the "used car purchasing" policy with the kids. The more they ask for, the more we retreat in our compromises.

As a family outing, we decided to hit the local pet store for a little hands-on experience. Now, this is not your normal Petco or Petsmart. This is a local joint which carries everything from tarantulas to chinchillas. They even have an outdoor petting zoo with all sorts of interesting animals. The kids ran directly past all the "potential pet choices," and went straight to see the Ostriches, pot-bellied pigs, and the Yak.

As I stared at a Yak, and wondered if this was the only one in Idaho, I came to the conclusion that hundreds of years ago, the original name for this hairy cow was probably Yuck. (Mainly due to its smell and 11 pounds of crusted feces hanging off the butt-shag) Tibetan monks must have felt bad for the animal, and changed it. Or perhaps they thought that it would be guessed easier on Wheel of Fortune with an A instead of a U.

After corralling the kids back into the pet store, they headed straight for the puppies. I looked at all the dogs, and noticed that they only carried puppies. Why? Because they are all cute, including the Beagle/Collie/Carp mix on the bottom row. This is an ingenious sales technique. Let me give a real-world example.

You are at the club with some friends cruising for a hook-up. After a few of your favorite beverages, you're feeling mighty fine, and decide to hit the dance floor. "Closer" by Nine Inch Nails starts pumping through the speakers, and you go on the prowl. In a dark corner, an available female is giving you "lusty eyes." She passes your hottie test, and you both dance the night away, and continue the party at your apartment.

You wake up the next morning to find a complete stranger in your bed. What was a complete hottie at the club, now resembles Mindy Cohn, but with the complexion of Gregg Popovich.

Rather than toss her to the curb, you feel like you have something invested, so you call her back, and a relationship starts. It's not the best relationship, but it's better than nothing, and you like the companionship. She is a complete pig, and leaves hair on the bar of soap. You fight a lot, but enjoy the bowling league you both participate in. Over time, you grow fond of her, but a painful breakup inevitably occurs. Amazingly, you realize how much happier you are without her in your life, and vow never to meet a woman in the club again. **

How did this start? All on the sales room floor my friend.
Alcoholic beverages, dark dance floor, mood music, and strobe lights. (On a separate topic, it is my belief that strobe lights make everything you do look 73% better. Dancing, fighting, washing dishes, etc)

The same thing occurs in the pet store. Cute little puppies give you "lonely eyes" while some Sarah McLaughlin music pipes on the overhead. Your kids instantly pick out their favorite and you have no choice but to buy the dog for 200 bucks, and head home. 3 weeks later, your entire house smells like urine, you no longer own a complete set of slippers, and your budget for lint rollers increased 800%.
Oh, you may grow fond of the dog over time, and actually like its company. Some say that their dogs are like their children. True, that they both ruin all your possessions, pee and throw up at will, but dogs will never give you grandchildren. Remember this.

Unfortunately for the Boxer pups, and to the dismay of my children, I herded the family over to the "lower maintenance" pets. After deciding that they had no interest in a spider, hermit crab or more fish, we decided that a rodent would probably be the best starting point.

Unfortunately for me, this whole section smelled like Matthew McConaughey's armpits. I was amazed at how much stink a hamster or guinea pig could generate. After talking to the salesman, he assured me that a gerbil urinates far less than the other rodents, and smells less.

Did you know that a gerbil looks exactly like a mouse? In fact, I wonder if they really are mice, but they just renamed them so people wouldn't freak out at owning a mouse.
I'm not fooled. Just because they switched out Dick York with Dick Sargent on Bewitched doesn't mean that anybody was fooled.

Mouse or gerbil?? Who knows? Just keep Richard Gere away.

Alas, it appears that some sort of rodent will be living free in our home after escaping from its cage. I'm laying out the ~~mouse~~ gerbil-traps already.

**By the way, the exact same thing happened to the girl. She didn't realize that you looked like Andy Richter, only softer, and you also brush your teeth only once a day.

Reader e-mail; the Jesus edition

2009-02-16T10:52:00.004-07:00

I receive a few odd e-mails to the address that represents this web-site. (thefourthring@gmail.com) Most of them are from rich Nairobi princes, or from best friends explaining how to prolong pleasure for a lady.
I received a more interesting email from a reader who found my web site by googling "random pictures of dead people real dead people gross stuff."
This reader landed on this page describing my experiences with the nether-regions of this world. (as opposed to the nether-regions of my body)

I almost deleted the e-mail upon reading the search term used to find my page. Let's use at least one Boolean expression or quotes to limit the search results.

Upon further reading, the writer described that she also had the same sleep issues and ghostly experiences I have. She went on to say that by "finding Jesus," she was able to overcome these strange occurrences. In fact, the way she did it was to "throw out a tarp of love and willingness to submit and devour evil in her mind."

While I appreciate the help and encouragement, it got me thinking about a few things.

First, why haven't the Jesus freaks gotten on this whole spam e-mail thing? Where's the innovation? I receive hundreds of e-mails daily from scammers in Africa, penis enlargement firms, and cheap prescription benefits companies. You're telling me that there's no group out there trying to send out e-mails with the subject line "You're going to Hell"?
As I scanned through the spam folder, I would totally stop and check this e-mail out. You could have it be from Jesus, and have the subject line say "Damn you."

In fact, they should take it a step further. Who hasn't been in a laundromat, and seen the pamphlets inviting you to take Jesus in your life? All you need to do is sign your name at the back of the pamphlet. I've put my John Hancock on hundreds of these "just to be sure."

Why not have something similar in an e-mail. A big CLICK HERE TO ACCEPT JESUS link in the e-mail should do fine. Wouldn't this be the same thing?
Or even better, when you click the "accept Jesus" link, it can install some spy ware on your PC. Then every time you try to surf porn, a crash of lightning would run across your monitor warning you of your impending doom.
These are great ideas. I need to be hired in the creative department.

It's also curious to me when people invite you to "find Jesus" as this lady did. Is this the best terminology available? Aren't there others better suited for the job?

You'd think that there are other groups that are well-funded involved in finding Jesus. The CIA, AP, NASA, Don King, etc.
You could start a small children's show called Where in the world is Jesus, and get Rockapella to write a theme song.

And then what happens when they find him? Who wants to see an article on CNN.com stating "Jesus found in Phoenix eating a Whataburger." Don't you think that would be kind of a let-down? What would PETA think? I think most would like to think of the Holy One sitting on his throne in Heaven wielding unlimited power and knowledge, not super-sizing a curly fry.
What if I took this challenge personally to find Jesus and then I find him? Then the world throws my name in the conversation with David Koresh and Marshall Applewhite.
Perhaps people should use different terminology. Maybe I should be invited to believe in Jesus, or accept his divinity.
I have a suggestion for people that suggest to "find Jesus." Send me a link.

And lastly, what is a professed follower of Jesus doing searching the Internet for "random pictures of dead people real dead people gross stuff"? Hopefully she wants to raise them. (not as children, but actually bring them back)
And she obviously doesn't want to see fake dead people. She wants real dead people, and gross stuff. May I suggest the "faces of death" film series.

Where the Hell is he?

2009-02-11T19:04:00.003-07:00

The author is currently pulling a Jim Rome, and spending time in the basement.

No really...I'm really in the basement.

Due to a forced week-long furlough at work, I have a bunch of spare time on my hands. You'd think this would lead to increased blogging. Not true.

Our basement is unfinished, and I felt that building tree-houses in my youth qualified me to start working on the framing and electrical.

Every waking minute is spent thinking about mistakes I've made, and how to fix them.

First mistake: Not purchasing a nail gun.

What idiot frames without this? Me. 80% of frustration comes from this mistake. Unfortunately, this week-long furlough is unpaid, so I don't have the extra cash-flow. Hammer away.

Second mistake: Watching a lot of DIY network.

Did you know they can complete an kitchen renovation in roughly 28 minutes? It takes me 28 minutes to measure and place one stud. Studly indeed.

Third mistake: Blatant use of the foot-hammer.

Demolition of existing framing using a 12 inch pry bar, and no sledgehammer requires innovation only seen in the completely desperate.

Fourth mistake: Setting a time-line.

20 minutes into the project I was behind schedule. I am immersed in "behind schedule."

Look for me in the ER shortly. Or perhaps a psychiatrist.

A little over the top, or reason number 9 why you shouldn't shop at the Walmarts

2009-02-05T15:00:00.000-07:00

There are times in our lives when we hear of experiences that are so surreal or other-worldly, that we wonder if they really occurred. Did Moses really see a burning bush? Did Mohammad really see God in a cave? Did Christian Bale really freak out on-set like that?

In the same tradition as these events I've just listed, something similar happened to me waiting in the check-out line at Walmart.

As a side-note, for someone that consistently rips on Walmart, and professes disgust with everything relating to the store, I sure go there a lot. Does this say more about the store, or myself? I'm sure I don't know either.

Our older boy was turning 4 years old, and we needed to get him a new bike, as he'd out-grown the previous one. We shopped around at all of the local stores for the cheapest bike. After visiting Fred Meyer, Shopko, and K-mart, we found that the average price of a 16" kids bike was $413. Perhaps I'm exaggerating, but it was ridiculous.

So we hit the Walmart, and found a Huffy for 46 bucks. Now I realize I'm a poor parent for purchasing my son a Huffy, but I'm not going to spend $120 dollars on a bike that will most likely get backed over by our Suburban, or end up getting left out in every major snow-storm. If a store sold a bike that was just labeled "bike" and not painted, I would purchase it to save a few bucks.

As we waited in the cashiers line to pay for the bike, the gentleman standing in front of us decided to strike up a conversation with us. I don't understand this, as I try to look as unfriendly as possible. Perhaps alcohol was already flowing freely in his system.
As the guy looked like George Carlin in his 20's, with crack scabies and definitely un-showered, I quickly shielded my youngest from the spittle droppings every time he stumbled across the letter P.
He looked at my 1 year old son, and said "Looks like you got a new bike."
"Yeah, we usually start them out with riding before walking." I said.
Actually I didn't say that, but the un-feeling Republican half of my mind tried to make me.

Instead my wife and I feigned conversation with the guy until we realized he had to send his buddy back for Coors Light instead of Bud Light. (I tended bar for 5 years, and only the truest redneck could tell the difference)

We ended up switching to the next aisle as it appeared to be moving faster.

What transpired next was amazing.

A large overweight man resembling John Kruk with a goatee walked by George Carlin's aisle. Carlin hollered over to the guy, and Kruk looked back at him with aggression, wondering why some stranger would impede his journey to find the latest issue of "Tattoo" magazine.

Kruk -- What do you want?

Carlin -- Hey, were you in that movie--Over the Top?

Me -- (I braced for the fight to begin. I could only imagine the fists flying, tic tacs and certs scattering across the floor. It would be well worth the visit to Walmart.)

Kruk -- No I wasn't, but everybody asks me that. (beaming with pride)

Me -- (What?? Who else in the world would ask you that?)

Carlin -- Oh. I totally thought you were that guy in the movie.

Me -- (You mean Bull Hurley?)

Kruk -- Yeah, after the first 400 people asked me that, I decided to go get a t-shirt that said "Arm wrestling champion."

Do you realize the cumulative probability in this whole concerto playing out?

Odds that you stop a stranger in Walmart without hair-pulling breaking out: 153,000 to 1
Odds that 401 people have actually seen Over the Top, and remember the villain: 263,000 to 1
Odds that you ask a stranger if they are a very unattractive movie star: 8600 to 1
Odds that someone would take pride in resembling Bob "Bull" Hurley in 2009: 426,000 to 1
Odds that a Walmart patron would purchase an "Arm Wrestling champion" t-shirt: 2 to 1

The fact that all of these things took place in succession defies all belief.

Luckily I didn't see a "in case of rapture, vehicle is unmanned" bumper sticker on the way home, or I would have been down to visit Father Mulcahy for some last-minute penance.

The glass is half full....it's just a smaller glass

2009-02-02T16:30:00.005-07:00

Top 10 positive things we should focus on in this poor economy.

1--Transformers 2 is considering dialing down the special effects from the first movie, and actually integrating a plot. No word on if they will merge Transformers 2, and Armageddon 2 into Transformageddon as they are basically the same movie.

2--Serial killers nationwide cannot afford to shop at Home Depot anymore. They will be forced to shop at Harbor Freight, where sub-standard, more affordable tools can be purchased. Have you tried sawing a Femur in half with a Chicago Electric Reciprocating saw? The motor will die out before the second leg, forcing the killer to use a hack-saw. I think this could dissuade many from killing again.

3--All those Banana Hammocks you have been saving since 1979 could become chic as you can just say that a new swimsuit is "too expensive."

4--Every time your kids ask for money, you'll be able to respond that "We don't have any extra money because of the economy." I figure you can use this excuse for the next 14 years or so until they catch on.

5--There is bound to be a bunch of free concerts given as a "gift" to those that can't afford it. Bank on seeing Bon Jovi or the B-52's free in the next year.

That guy in the lower right-hand corner waited on me at Ruby Tuesday last weekend

6--You'll make many new friends begging for cash at the Walmart intersection. It's a direct correlation--Unemployment goes up, Walmart stop-light begging does too.

7--You can finally start using the skills you've learned on Man vs. Wild.

8--Hollywood won't be able to afford to pay Kevin Costner what he thinks he is worth, thus leading to no more bland 3 hour movies. (We'll leave this to Keanu Reeves)

9--There may finally be a use for all the rampant dog reproduction in Houston Texas as a new food source is discovered. (Seriously, have you ever been to Houston? I swear that on any random street, there are 7 wild dogs running around, and 3 of them are pregnant. Listen to Bob Barker you bastards.)

10--Washington will finally realize that the country is in economic peril, and put partisan politics and wasteful spending aside in order to look out for the American people.
They will put real stimulus into the economy and the vote will not fall along party lines.
No unnecessary spending for things like $50 million for the National Endowment for the Arts; $150 million for the Smithsonian; $400 million for global-warming research, and $650 million more for my Grandma to buy a digital TV box for her TV that hasn't seen electricity since 1994.

The future is looking brighter every day.

My super power -- redux

2009-01-27T10:30:00.002-07:00

This is a post I wrote for another site. Since its publishing, more superheroes have been added to the team. We like to call ourselves the Scavengers. (pronounced skah ven' gers. Don't forget the emphasis.)

In the past few years, the media has brought to the fore-front of discussion, the idea of an "evolutionary step" in the chain of humanity. This "step" has led to everyday people displaying physical and mental attributes like none could have dreamed. Shows like "Heroes" and movies like "X-Men" have people wondering…what if? (I on the other hand, wondered "what if" that blue makeup were to be smeared off Rebecca Romijn…I digress)

At great risk to myself and my family, I believe it's time to come out of the closet. (no…not that) I have decided to tell the world that like Hugh Jackman, I have a super-power. But unlike Hugh Jackman, women (and some men) do not go gaga when I'm not wearing a shirt.

Much like the spider biting Peter Parker, I also had an experience that triggered my "development."

I was cleaning up the dishes after dinner (as I always do) and putting away the leftovers in Tupperware containers. I reached into the cabinet holding the superfluity of containers, and randomly pulled out a few. I scooped out the contents of chicken, pasta, and potatoes. I looked back upon my work, and noticed a strange phenomenon…..that every container was filled EXACTLY to the top. Not an inch was wasted in any container…not a drop left in any pan.

Chalking it up to luck, I attempted the same feat the following night, with resounding success. I watched my skills continue to be honed and perfected with each passing day. No item of food has ever been wasted, no space in the fridge has been "tied up" with "far-too-large" containers…no food has ever needed to be thrown away. It is an amazing sight to behold.

As my father once told me, "With great power, comes great responsibility." So, "The Brimmer" (as I am known in the superhero community) and the "Legion of Justice" will fight to eradicate the world of evil. Below are my fellow fighters:

"Eye-sight"---Is able to tell if an item hanging on the wall is level with no assistance from mechanical tools or laser sights.

"The Judge"---Can tell within 5 miles when he is going to run out of gas. Fill-ups are few and far between for this hero.

"Squeeze Play"---Can literally get at least 10 more uses from a roll of toothpaste that has been thrown away by the average citizen.

"The Alternator"---Has never been beaten in creating a checkerboard pattern on a rubix cube. The speed and agility of his hands is amazing.

"Major Boredom"---Can literally talk about himself for 90 minutes straight. Any attempt to interject or add to the conversation only fuels his desire to continue ranting. Beware.

"The Weasel"---Pays for his own lunch roughly 14% of the time. Will always be conveniently missing when the time to pay arises.

"The Poker"---Can type roughly 70 words per minute while only using his 2 pointy fingers. Fingers of steel.

"Slip and Slide"---Will see actual evidence of his food in the toilet less than 1 hour after eating. You will be regaled with tales of beans, corn, and whole pieces of lettuce.

"Hammer-down"---Can punch a nail into a 2X4 with one hit most of the time. Watch for flying nails upon mis-hits

And our technology assistant is "The Programmer" who---while being dominantly right-handed---can maneuver a mouse with his left hand with surprising ease. (although it's been strongly suspected that this has come more out of practice and necessity than actual gift-his right hand is generally tied up.)

And while we are interested in ridding the world of evil, we're focused a little more on how to market our powers into a movie. With the onslaught of super-hero movies on the docket this summer, you'd have to think we'd do at least as good as a Wayans brothers movie. Gotta go, I just got a call from a buddy who ran out of gas and needs a ride.

I'm not gay. I just need to pee.

2009-01-22T15:30:00.000-07:00

The restroom is deserted as I head in to relieve myself. I pony up to the cleanest urinal and start my business.
A few seconds later, another person disturbs my blissful solitude. My peripheral vision loses sight of where he's headed. I hope he employs the "every other" rule with urinals.

Another couple seconds go by, and I don't see him. He's not to the left, right, nor do I hear the tell-tale slam of a stall door. Perhaps he's fixing his hair in the mirror, or brushing his teeth.

Something in my gut tells me that foul play is afoot, so I turn my head ever-so-slightly to catch a glimpse of the situation.

Instantly, everything goes into slow motion.

This guy is deep in thought as he approaches the urinals.
Sometimes you can tell when someone is bothered, or pondering deeply by the look in their eyes. I couldn't tell if this was the case, but thought he must be thinking of something important or troubling as his eyes were pasted to the ground, feet slowly shuffling in my direction.

I'm in full stream at this point, when the bladder is working at peak capacity to empty itself.
Another second or two goes by in my slow motion world, and I feel something is terribly wrong.
I turn my head again to survey the situation, and notice that "Mr. troubled" is bearing down on my location. His head is still down, and he's headed straight for me.
I turn back to my urinal, wondering why someone would use a stall right next to me, with so many others that were open?

And then the unthinkable occurs as I'm "rear-ended" by this gentleman.

In my mind, I see this playing out from multiple camera angles.
His head is down, as he moves his hands to his zipper in preparation for the relieving event. Before he can initiate the unzip, a collision of epic proportions occurs as he runs full tilt into my backside.
I see this in my mind again and again in those microseconds from above, below, 3rd person, 1st person, and hidden camera. It's like Van Dam in "Bloodsport" where every one of his kicks are shown 14 times in 1.2 seconds to reiterate the fact that a 5'6" man can kick a grown man in the face. (if he jumps off a chair)

My free (right) hand goes up to the wall to brace the impact. An involuntary male kegel shuts down all flow in mid-stream, as I desperately try to keep any loose clothing from receiving collateral damage.

And then time freezes.

I'm certain that there are seminal moments in every person's life.
For me and the stranger, this was one of them. Any rational human being knows the events that should transpire after this booty-bang.
The stranger should mutter a short apology about not watching his step, and then head out the door in hopes that we'll never see each other again.

This gentleman obviously did not feel the situation was as important as myself.
He shook off the near-rape without a word, and went to the stall directly next to me. He used his free hand to find a non-booger location on the wall, and went along, business as usual.

As any guy could tell you, starting from a interrupted mid-stream stoppage is very hard to recover from. Coupled with my sudden tunnel vision that was caused by my near-molestation, I zipped up, and did a quick-wash.

I headed towards the exit, and gave the dark stranger a quick look. He appeared so relaxed in his current state. Like he was high-fiving the wall. I wondered what would happen if I tried to throw him out his comfort zone, by giving him a dose of his own medicine with a bum-bump. And then I recalled the story of Larry Craig, and the "return" foot-tap. Perhaps my backside-bludgeoning would be portrayed as an approval of the first mid-section-meld.

Exit stage left....never use that bathroom again. I just may start peeing in Mt. Dew bottles at my desk.

I had a dream

2009-01-19T14:00:00.001-07:00

Long live the King. (Martin Luther that is)

While many in the country slept in this morning, watched Oprah, and got to the "early-bird" special at Golden Corral, I was at work.
No company I've been employed with, has ever given this as a paid holiday.
I suppose that there are some positives to this. My 401K didn't drop today, and I'm sure the lines at the post office aren't long. (they generally aren't when they're closed)

As my company recently announced multiple unpaid weeks of forced vacation over the next 6 months, you'd think that they would set aside one of these "holidays" to use on Martin Luther King Jr. day. No dice.

Speaking of crappy times in the economy (again), I recently survived a layoff at my work.
While sending a text message to a couple friends, I was placed in a quandary on the spelling of my sentence.

I am of a different (old-school) breed of text messagers. (not a word) I write everything out in full sentences, careful to ensure that all punctuation and spelling are correct. I'll be damned if some unknown intelligence official is poring over suspect text messages, and has to use text-speak to decipher mine. If anything, they'll consider me a "well-spoken" terrorist.

As you know, most cell phones have a "word" function which lets you type things quickly. This "word" feature will place the most appropriate or most used word based on your key-strokes.

As I typed a text to a couple friends announcing that I had made if through the layoffs, I tried to type layed which my semi-smart phone would not let me do. It allowed laid and I went with it.
As most of my knowledge stems from Google, I found that laid is the correct spelling, and I am a dumb-ass.

As an engineer, the English language has always boggled me.

I thought Metallica was right when they wanted to "lay their head down to sleep, and pray the lord their soul to keep." I thought that if they prayed, then I could also get layed. I was wrong. (for 2 different reasons, spelling and my fat gut)
But then I realized that no matter how much you pay, you are usually paid unless you were in a rowboat, in which you could be payed.
Likewise, you could say something, but it was always said.
To further complicate things, by May, you could be made.

While this "word" auto complete can be helpful, it can also be problematic. You may be texting very quickly, and not notice that the word you MEANT to type, is not what is entered.

Ex.
At a recent family party, I sent a text to a brother-in-law stating "Can you get me a plate?" This was referring to the lengthy food line, and the fact that he was at the front of the line. I didn't want to wait, and thought he could just grab me some food.
Now, what I typed what "Can you get me a plate?" What Samsung thought I meant was "Can you get me a slave?" I sent the message off too quickly to re-read. It's a good thing that I didn't send this to my sister-in-laws African-American boyfriend. He was further back in line.

Dear Verizon/Samsung, can we get the default word for this group of keystrokes to say something besides slave? The numbers 75283 should not generate more racial divide. I have a difficult time finding a use for the word slave in any appropriate text message.

I would hate for there to be a political fund-raiser dinner which costs "$1000 per slave" sent as a text message to all donors. Jesse Jackson would be all over that like "flies on shiv." (There it is again...damn auto-word filler)

The 7 new laws of the universe

2009-01-16T09:30:00.000-07:00

In a recent entrecard dropping session, I ran across a site that caught my eye. (besides the massive number of blogs about pets...really pets? I just don't feel the need to dress up a hamster and take pictures of it)

This blog detailed the 7 laws of the universe. With a rough physics background, I was intrigued. I quickly learned that the laws are based on "metaphysics." (also known as--nottaphysics) I guess there are some that believe in universal laws of things like vibration, gender, motion, masturbation, and other things I don't recall.

There were also a bunch of references to hypno-therapy. I don't really have a need to quit smoking or quack like a duck on stage, so I contributed to the bounce rate of the web page and went searching for more cat blogs.

Since this time, I have thought about the "laws of the universe." The mumbo jumbo you read by these nottaphysicists will not improve your life or help you in your daily life. Below are the real 7 laws of the universe, and will greatly help your understanding of our earthly realm.

1-The law of Multiplicity:
(aka the taco bell law)
It's a little known fact that taco bell really only has 8 ingredients in their building. You'd be surprised how many different combinations of bacon, beans, cheese, and quasi-meat you can create. Using a little math, Taco Bell has found that they can create "new" items until 2024 without adding a new ingredient into the mix.
How does this help you? When they advertise a "bacon cheddar gordita crunch," think back on if you ate the "cheesy bacon double decker taco" a few years ago. Same thing...higher price.

2--Boyle's law of Walmart aisles:
Take a normal aisle at Walmart (roughly 3 feet in diameter) and try to insert 14 people who each weigh over 350 pounds (not including sweat pants or "riding carts") The increase in this pressure will decrease the volume in the aisle. If you take out 10 of these people, the pressure will decrease, but the volume will increase. Either way, there is no way you will get through the arm-rolls to buy your Frosted Flakes.

3--The law of diminishing returns:
(aka the chuck e cheese law, or the 2008-2001 401K law)
Take 20 dollars and your children to chuck e cheese. Purchase a bunch of tokens where your kids can play video games and other activities to earn tickets. Have them trade in the tickets for fun prizes and toys. Upon returning home, your 20 dollars will get you 3 monster pencil-top erasers, 6 tootsie rolls, and one kazoo. It will also get your kids diarrhea.

There is an 40% chance that the guy in the costumer in on the Sex offenders registry

4--Newtons 1st law of Wendy's:
This law states that a body in motion will tend to remain in motion unless acted upon by another force.
Wendy's is counting on this law in their drive-thru. Let me explain.
On roughly 95% of your Wendy's drive-thru visits, you will give your order, and drive up to the window. At this point they like to make the "double exchange." This is where you give the money, and they give you the food. If they have to make change, or use your credit card, you will get a sneer.
For a company that wants your business, it's like they want you to get the hell out of there. It's eerily reminiscent of the doorstep scene on my junior prom night.

5--The more for less law:
(aka the saturated fat law)
This law applies at most eating establishments and grocery stores. If you were to go to Arby's and buy a single sandwich, it would be 2.99. But they always run a deal where you can buy 2 sandwiches for 4 dollars. What if you don't want 2 sandwiches?? There is a conspiracy to make this society fat, and I'm spear-heading the class action lawsuit. I recently wrote about this in post about Big Macs here. I wish this law applied to cars and guns.

6--The law of divisibility:
This probably does not apply to everyone, but for the 4 years I worked as a waiter in college, it was prevalent.
I took home cash every night from my job at a restaurant we'll call Routback Steakblouse. My wife would make weekly deposits, and only liked to deposit the money in a number that was divisible by 5. This always left me with 4 or less dollars in my wallet.
If we had 319 dollars, she would deposit 315, and I would get 4 back. If we had 355, the whole amount was deposited, and I had to bum money off of friends, or use the law below.
7--The Credit law of inevitability:
A man enters a gas station for a Coke on 2 different days. The first day he has 5 dollars, and only purchases the Coke.
On the second visit, he has no cash, and has to use his credit/debit card. The man thinks it is silly to use a credit card for a $1.29 Coke, and so he picks up some BBQ corn nuts, 2 Whatchamacallits, and a beef stick at the register. If you are going to use a credit/debit card, you should at least make it worth your while. New total--$7.49. True dat.

While not all applicable in daily life, I hope these will guide you in your path away from nottaphysics.

The new gold standard

2009-01-13T10:00:00.007-07:00

As I scan through AM talk radio, I'm blasted at every frequency with the reminder that the economy is in shambles, and that we're on the highway to a great depression. Talking head Glenn Beck feels that we are headed for a crash much worse than the great depression.

While the reality of this is grim and depressing, I am the eternal optimist. I look for the positives in every situation, and I even see one were we reach this situation in our country.

I can see the future that Mr. Beck speaks of--The dollar fails, and the lack of a gold standard renders all money worthless. Governments fail, resources are impossible to get, and the hunt for food and water become our daily activity. Lawlessness rules in major cities, and those hoping to stay alive move to the country. Eventually, all major cities are destroyed by warfare and fire. Men are driving around in "Interceptors" with their dogs, and Tina Turner puts her hair in buns while baring most of her clothes. Midgets are carried around by large mentally handicapped men, and large bands of children form colonies in far reaches of the desert.
Yes....every red-blooded American male has his dream come true....We live in the movie Mad Max.

So what do I have to look forward to in the future?? Living in my Suburban? Using the skills I learn on "Man vs. Wild?" Drinking my own urine?
While these do not appeal to me in the least, I relish the opportunity to be able to say "2 men enter, 1 man leaves."

So, in this future economy where there is no dollar, and we are forced to have another standard of trade, what will be used to "barter?"
I imagine the oldest profession will still be around. Will we trade futures on prostitution? Perhaps I can "short" redheads and mutes.

If we do revert to another form of payment or standard of barter, I have a few suggestions that would enable me to be very wealthy in this new-world economy.

Here are my suggestions for the new "gold standard."

Base the new economy on Garbage pail kids or the 1987 Topps baseball set. (wood grain) There is no telling how much my "Adam Bomb" or my "New Wave Dave" would be worth.

I think I have 16 copies of Tony Larussa...those would at least garner me a small cow or 6 gallons of gas.

Home decor. If we were to use pots, plants, wicker "stuff", and iron "things", our house would be the Louvre. We'd have to build a bunker just to protect all of the stuff on our walls and shelves. It's like Michaels threw up and had diarrhea at the same time all over our house.

Chest hair. They call me the missing link--Homo Hairchestus.

This is childs play...

Illegally downloaded Mp3's. I'm an instant millionaire.

Blog posts about the economy. I think I'm up to 30 or so on this.

Little league trophies. I knew there was a reason I was saving these.

If none of these take hold......I'll need to buy a gun.

700 Billion dollars worth of Double Decker Tacos

2009-01-09T16:30:00.000-07:00

As the impending threat of layoffs and cost-cutting measures fill up my ears on every news station, I have gone into "full-on panic mode." Every dirty nickel that I earn above and beyond my bills is going straight into our savings account.

Why even today I decided to skip going to Taco Bell for lunch. I headed home to save a little coin. While this may help my personal pocketbook, it is damning the economy as a whole.

As the IT department had my laptop for half the day, I divided my thoughts between beating my personal best at Sudoku, and who I was impacting by not eating at Taco Bell for lunch.

The following list is all groups/people who may have been impacted by the fact that I did not purchase a Nachos Supreme, Double-Decker Taco, and a large Dr. Pepper:

The owners of Taco Bell--Yum Foods. This is roughly $5.37 less towards their bottom line. I then checked out their stock price---It is ~10X the stock price of my company. I now have very little empathy for them. Plus, they also own Pizza Hut, who puts out those annoying commercials where they pass off Pizza Hut food as gourmet fare in a 5-star restaurant. The only positive thing about Pizza Hut is that they usually carry many circa 1980 video games in their parlor. Who doesn't want to play "Galaga" on a glass table-top monitor with sticky joysticks??

Every local animal shelter. When less dogs and cats are "adopted," how will we get our meat on the Nachos Supreme? Pretty soon, the shelters will fill up beyond capacity, and then we'll have to sit through more of those 14 minutes commercials of sickly-looking dogs and cats while Sarah McLachlan croons in the background. (I have no first-hand knowledge of this. A guy named Vinny told me this was the case...no need to sue me. In fact, I have no problem with hybrids...including meat)

Fewer customers means more "smoke breaks." When I used to be in the restaurant industry, "smoke breaks" generally included smoking something for "medical purposes only." More "smoke breaks" means a higher chance to give 37 dollars change back from a 5 dollar bill.

By passing up this lunch, I did not have a 10 ounce bag full of paper and plastic to throw away. If this garbage were to be totally eliminated, you'd have numberless politicians who'd have nothing to talk about. Imagine the number of lobbyists who would be out of job. I will do my duty to keep these people employed.

The group of people who write silly "quips" on the hot sauce packets may have to make cuts as I use roughly 6 hot sauces per item. I almost feel like I have a relationship with them.

The manufacturer of those "shotgun sauce canisters" will be hurting. You know what I'm talking about right? They take these caulk guns full of sour cream, guac, cheese, and sauce, and then go all "John Mclane" on my chips. The more use they get, the faster they wear out...thus leading to new purchases.
I actually think this would be a great idea at the grocery store. Sell sauces and toppings in tubes that would fit into a caulk gun. You could have a potato bar party, and get to utter the words "One pull, or two" constantly. I totally have prior art on this....mark it down.

Gwen Stefani and Akon. How else would I hear the song "The great escape" other than the Muzak version played on the Taco Bell overhead speakers? I swear that the main way I keep up with newer music is to hear the Muzak version first. Some people hate elevator music...I call it product placement.

Tums, Charmin, and makers of toilet plungers.

There is one group that will benefit from my absence. I generally try to drink my weight in Dr. Pepper on each visit. My 7th grade math tells me that it couldn't cost them more than 10-15 cents for a full cup of coke, yet I paid $1.59. That means only 10 or so refills until they aren't profitable anymore. I usually try to make it a good 15 refills on each visit.

An analog boat in a digital ocean

2009-01-06T16:45:00.003-07:00

Me: (Dialing......Still Dialing.....waiting)

Computer lady: Hello. Welcome to Direct TV.

(Pause)

Computer lady's cousin from Mexico: Si usted no me entiende, respire pesadamente en la otra línea. Para el resto de usted, ahora presione dos.

Me: (waiting)

Computer lady returns: If you are a Direct TV customer, please say yes.

Me: (waiting)

Computer lady: I'm sorry, I didn't catch that. Please say yes if you already have Direct TV.

Me: Whoops....Yes!

CL: I'm sorry, I didn't catch that. Please press 1 if you already have Direct TV.

Me: (presses one sheepishly)

CL: If you are calling to get more information about the Digital Transition of TV transmissions, please say yes now.

Me: (waits)

CL: Our operators are experiencing high call volume at this time....

Me: (Presses 0)

CL: I'm sorry...that is an unrecognized command. Why don't you try to tell us what you want, and we'll direct your call.

Me: One million dollars and free satellite.

CL: I'm sorry, I didn't catch that. Did you want to add another satellite to your account?

Me: No. I actually want to change my programming.

CL: Can you be more specific? Why don't you try saying something like upgrade to premium package or order pay per view movies.

Me: Downgrade programming.

CL: I see. You'd like to change your base programming package. Please say the package you want.

Me: umm...I don't know what it's called (presses 0)

CL: That is not a valid option. Would you like to order the premier package?

Me: No, I don't want to order the premier package.

CL: You have selected the premier package as your base programming. Is this correct?

Me: No, that is not correct. I said I wanted to downgrade my programming package.

CL: I'm sorry, I didn't catch that. In addition to upgrading to the premier package which includes every channel on Direct TV, would you like to order a pay per view movie or event?

Me: Damnit (presses 0)

CL: I'm sorry. That is an unrecognized command. If you'd like to start over, please say start over.

Me: Start over

Computer lady's cousin from Mexico: Si usted no me entiende, respire pesadamente en la otra línea. Para el resto de usted, ahora presione dos.

Me: You've got to be kidding me. (presses 0)

CL: I'm sorry, I didn't catch that. Would you like to order a pay per view movie or event?

Me: OPERATOR...OPERATOR, speak with OPERATOR!!

CL: I see you'd like to speak with a customer service associate. Your expected wait time is...(clicks and beeps)...35 minutes.

Me: You're kidding me.

CL: Did you know that most options to your account can be accessed online through Directtv.com?

Me: I just want to ask a question. I can't believe it's this difficult to ask a question that's not about a pay per view.

CL: I see you have a question regarding ordering a pay per view movie or event. Which event would you like to order?

Me: (seething) Quit trying to trick me. You are not special.

CL: You have ordered "Jerry Springer; Topless trick or treat special."

Me: I don't want Jerry Springer. If I wanted topless women, I'd just order porn. Why is this so hard?

CL: You have ordered "Hot topless women 8: We like it hard." Would you like to order another pay per view event?

Me: (hangs up)

Me: (Dialing....Dialing.)

Wife: Hello.

Me: Will you turn the TV to channel 583?

Wife: Why?

Me: Just do it.

Wife: Whoa..!! Jerry Springer is doing the Macarena with some topless hags.

Me: Stupid computer lady. I'm calling them back. Can you Tivo the rest of the show?

6 Degrees of Separation from 2009

2009-01-05T13:00:00.000-07:00

I'm married with a gaggle of kids, don't drink, and have trouble staying up until 11pm. You can imagine how exciting my New Years Eve parties are...
In fact, the most excited I get about the new year, is either awaiting my tax return in late Feb, or continually putting 2008 on any form I fill out.

As a change for this year, I thought I'd celebrate 2009. I really wanted to get down to the nitty gritty about what 2009 was about.

Here's what I found...brace yourselves.

2009 is the International Year of Astronomy. (400th anniversary of Galileo looking into a telescope.)

2009 is the International Year of natural Fibres. (I originally thought this was a UK-spelled version of a celebration of foods like oat bran, lentils, and other foods that give you the "million-wipers" on the toilet. The UN actually just wants to raise awareness for natural fibres...like silk...completely awesome...if you're into that kind of thing.)

2009 is the International Year of Reconciliation. (No word on whether the Catholic church is sponsoring the celebration.)

We will inaugurate our 1st black President.
We will put a man in the senate who used to don a wig, and look into the mirror for his "Daily affirmation."

The longest Solar eclipse in the 21st century will take place in July. Oprah will attempt the feat the next month by using a jet pack and hope that her massive ass can completely block out the sun. Please wear special glasses.

The retail sale of incandescent light bulbs will be banned in Australia. Do they use "British-speak" down there?? If so, would they be termed light bulbes?

Other events that I predict to happen are:

Yankees move to a new stadium...only to not make the playoffs.
Cowboys move to a new stadium...only to not make the playoffs.
Ryan Secrist will come out of the closet.
Saturday Night Live will be terrible. (too late...already there)
There is a 30% chance that I get laid off from my job.
There is a 30% chance that I become a male prostitute.

As you can see, 2009 looks to be pretty lame. In order to make 2009 feel a little better about itself, I wanted to show it that it will be no worse than any other person/year. As proof, I give the "6 degrees of separation of 2009 from Kevin Bacon." 2009...you're good enough, smart enough, and doggone it..people like you.

2009

1---->>>>2009 squared is

4036081

2---->>>>The sum of all integers in 4036081 is

3---->>>>The number 22 is included in the film title

Catch 22 with Alan Arkin

4---->>>>Alan Arkin was in "Rendition" with

Reese Witherspoon

5---->>>>Reese Witherspoon was in "Freeway" with

Keifer Sutherland

6---->>>>Keifer was in "A few good men" with....

Kevin Bacon

That was fun...and insightful. Let's try it again with another random object.
How about Ricky (Rickey) Henderson.

Ricky Henderson

1---->>>>Played in 1989 with

Mark Mcgwire

2---->>>>Mcgwire famously played as one half of the "Bash Brothers" in Oakland alongside

Jose Canseco

3---->>>>Jose was in the "Surreal Life 5" with

Bronson Pinchot

4---->>>>Pinchot's relatively short film career included Courage under Fire with

Meg Ryan

5---->>>>Before Ryan bared all in a recent film, she starred in a stinker called "Joe versus the Volcano" with

Tom Hanks

6---->>>>Tom Hanks starred in Apollo 13 along with

Kevin Bacon

If anyone can involve 2009, Jenna Jameson, and Yul Brynner in a chain to Kevin Bacon, I would be impressed.

Here's to you 2009...now where's my tax return??!!

How sweet it is.....

2009-01-03T10:48:00.005-07:00

Can the Utes get some AP voting love?? What else do they have to prove??

Yes...there were 8...count'em 8 sacks buddy. How's that for an undersized, small Ute defensive line?? Booyah!!

Things I did while on a blogging break

2009-01-01T05:00:00.000-07:00

Watched "Polar Express" with my kids 14 times.

Ate my weight in Reese's peanut butter cups.

Caught up on some Tivo watching. (Chuck and Dexter are 2 truly fabulous shows)

Quit writing for Scrivel.com. (I am spread too thin as it is...and by thin, I don't mean my gut)

Wrote some kick-ass reviews on Review-Spew.com. (Is it possible to have blog envy of another one of my own blogs?)

Didn't read many blogs---although I started picking things back up and found an interesting bit on Nun Porn. (Sick freak would be an understatement to describe TNO)

Contemplated the purpose of arm-pit hair.

Played Guitar Hero "World Tour" until my eyeballs hurt, and carpal tunnel set in.

Wondered why I even play fantasy football as I never....EVER win.

Prepared myself mentally in case my Utes get blown out by Alabama.

Caught up on 25% of my work. (I could have all the time in the world, and never catch up.)

Came to the realization that I will never be rich working as an engineer, and that I was 5 years too late for stock options to ever make a difference.

Wondered how those that are irresponsible with saving money, careless with finances, and foolish when buying a home, should benefit while I continue to make every payment in my life on-time still work till May to pay Uncle Sam.

Drank my weight in Coca Cola.

Wrote down about 20 humorous blog ideas. Then I returned to my notes, only to find that I don't even have a clue what half of them mean. You'd think that I'd put some other notes with the topic in case my memory failed me. But no...I just have a single line with "Flatulence cameras." I may be schizo.

Stop by often as I'm back on a regular posting schedule.

Oh yeah....I'm still here suckas

2008-12-15T13:53:00.003-07:00

You didn't think I would up and disappear did you??

You know I can't quit you.

Watch for the return of mediocre humor after the new year. While you're desperately waiting, head over to REVIEW SPEW for the funniest reviews west of Laramie Wyoming.

If I'm not humorous, then my 2 other counterparts surely bring the funny home to roost.

And if none of this is very funny, do a net worth calculation, and compare it to 2 years ago...hilarious. (Hmmm...I got a negative number both times, and I don't think 2 of these negatives make a positive)

-Matt

Time's a wasting

2008-11-26T09:30:00.000-07:00

When I was a younger, I always heard people complain about how they never had any extra time in the day. They'd say that they wished there were more hours in the day. I also wished this, but for the sole reason that I could sleep 14 hours in one day instead of 7-8.
Unfortunately, I've turned into the people that I used to scoff. I now have very little extra time in my life.

I started this blog for many reasons. One was to improve my story-telling/writing skills. As my blog now qualifies as "elementary-school" reading level, I think I've definitely improved. I also wanted to have people stop by and get a smile from something I've written. To my 9 loyal readers, I hope this has been true.
After a month of posting, I realized that it was very easy to put out mindless drivel for a post. A blog that releases a post every single day, generally has a higher return rate of regular readers, so it was tempting for me to put out something every day.
Unfortunately, to release a post every day was a two-edged sword. I had to either sacrifice time or quality.

So I moved to posting about 3x a week. I felt that this would be a good level to put out funny posts without spending too much time on this blog.

Alas, I have found that the one or more of the following must be true to put out a high-quality, regular posting blog:

You are unemployed.
You are retired.
You have no children, or have a live-in nanny.
You are a stay-at-home mom who blogs when children are napping.
You blog at work.
You cheat your spouse and children of quality time.
You make actual money with your blog. (hahahaha)
You are Stephon Marbury.
F) none of the above

I answer F to the above question, and thus have to re-evaluate how I divvy out my time.

I rarely cut into "family time" to blog. It's too important. I sometimes ditch the wife in the evenings to write a post.
I also sometimes write a few paragraphs during slow time at work.

In this economic "clogged toilet," I think that having a good job is very important. I work for a good company, and make a decent living. I'd rather like to keep my job. I would hate to get laid off, and the reason they use is "internet usage at work."
That would be a great "welcome home."

Matt: Hi Honey.
Wife: Why are you home early?
Matt: I got laid off.
Wife: Why.
Matt: So a few people could get a laugh on my blog.
Wife: Are they going to give us money?
Matt: Perhaps for sexual favors.

In addition, blogging is more like a community. Only a narcissist puts out content on his/her blog, and never goes to read any other blogs.
Recently, my time reading other blogs has decreased greatly as I try not to view many external web-sites at work.

The moral of the story is that I cannot put out quality humor content on a regular basis with my current schedule. Thus I have decided to put this blog on "hiatus" until the new year. At that time, I think I'll concentrate on putting out posts that I am truly proud of...even if is only once or twice a month. I will not post YouTube videos or tell you about what I ate for lunch just to get "something out there."

In the meantime, please subscribe to this blog in the right-hand corner of the page. You won't have to check in, but will still receive any new content.

I also still write periodically for Scrivel.com. You'll still see one or two posts a month there.

Most free time blogging will be spent at Review-Spew.com. Go check it out. A completely different take on reviews, and there is a good team of funny writers.

To my 9 loyal readers who have followed me regularly, I thank you. Future posts will be forthcoming, and hopefully be very funny.

BCS dreaming

2008-11-24T08:30:00.001-07:00

2004...BCS bound....

2008...BCS bound....

2012??

The "Holy War" on Saturday did not live up to its billing as BYU QB Max "what's that wrinkle between your eyes" Hall personally accounted for 6 turnovers. When asked about his propensity for turnovers after the game, he replied "I love all turnovers...apple, cherry, and even those weird chocolate ones that Arbys put out for a while."

Utah coach Kyle "that's where my 30 pounds went" Whittingham took a Gatorade bath, and quieted all the rumors that the only reason Utah was successful in 2004 was because of Urban Meyer.

And in the "sweeter than Grandma's apple pie" vein, the Utes have probably blocked Boise State from gaining entrance to the BCS for the 2nd time in 5 years. How sweet it is!!!

Mr. Matt goes to Washington

2008-11-20T09:30:00.000-07:00

Dennis Kucinich: Ok..let's call this meeting to order. We're almost finished here, and have one last request to hear. I'm so sick of sitting on these phone books all day.

Chris Dodd: It appears we have one last bailout request...from a "Matt" residing in Idaho. Can you explain why you are here sir?

Matt: Yes. I am seeking a bailout package for myself. I am seeking 25 thousand dollars in government loans, which will certainly never be re-payed.

Dodd: Can you explain why you need this bailout?

Matt: If I do not receive this money, I estimate that my family may run out of money by the end of the year, or early next year.

Dodd: What do you mean may?

Matt: Well, it depends on if I purchase a Wii for Christmas. Also, if you guys could keep the gas prices low for a while, that would really be nice. My Suburban only cost 57 dollars to fill up last week.

Dodd: A Suburban??!! If there is to be any bailout, then it should be tied to environmental conditions.

Matt: My Mom always says its not the miles per gallon that matters, but the miles per gallon per passenger. I've got passengers in spades.

Dodd: What about your carbon footprint?

Matt: Umm...I used to recycle plastic/paper/cardboard in my previous home.

Dodd: Previous??

Matt: Yes. I moved, and this new city charges 5 bucks a month to recycle, and it just isn't worth it.

Richard Shelby: How would the bailout money be used?

Matt: There are literally a handful of people who rely on the success of my income. Bankruptcy would be devastating to the vast number of people relying upon me.

Tim Johnson: How many rely on you?

Matt: 5 not including me, but I would guess that our consumer spending keeps at least 1/5 of a person employed at Walmart.

Johnson: Are you approaching bankruptcy?

Matt: Well...no.

Johnson: Do you have a steady job?

Matt: Umm...right now I do. But this money will enable me to push valuable money into the open market. We're looking at a boat, a camp trailer, and a winter vacation would be nice.

Debbie Stabenow: I can't really see you through my tears and eye shadow, but I don't think we can offer you the money.

Matt: I just purchased a home in the summer. Can I get some kind of kick-back?

Evan Bayh: Are you a first-time home buyer? Do you have a high cost adjustable rate mortgage? Did you practice poor money-management and purchase a home you couldn't afford?

Matt: No.

Bayh: Then I'm afraid we have nothing for you.

Matt: What if I become a bank? Could I get some money that way?

Dodd: Perhaps. We do have some funds available for bank holding companies. How much capital do you have to lend?

Matt: Duh...none. That's why I need some money from you. Wait!! I did lend a buddy 8 bucks for lunch the other day. He still hasn't paid me back. He'll probably take me to Taco Bell, and call it even. I hate that guy.

Dodd: 8 dollars? I'm sorry, but I don't think you qualify as a bank. Now, I believe we're finished here, so...

Matt: I talked to Harry Paulsen, and he said I'd be able to at least score a little cash.

Dodd: Who's Harry Paulsen?

Matt: You know...that money guy.

Dodd: You mean Henry Paulsen?

Matt: Oh yeah...I knew that. Harry is my Bank of America teller in my local branch. He still thinks I should get some money.

Matt: Wait!! How about this. I will move to California, and vote No on proposition 8.

Dodd: This vote has already taken place, and has nothing to do with the bailout.

Matt: Even if I wear a skirt and memorize the words to the "Rocky Horror picture show?"

Dodd: Even then. Let me ask you one last question. Are you; unemployed, low-income, a first-time home buyer, fiscally irresponsible, displaced because of a natural disaster, living in Alaska, devoid of health insurance, or a disabled veteran?

Matt: No.

Dodd: Then I believe we're finished here.

Matt: Can I at least get my parking validated?

Kids---not just for the tax benefits

2008-11-18T14:00:00.000-07:00

There are many reasons to have children. During this time of the year, let me give one that is of utmost importance.

No doubt you are being bombarded by cute little kids coming to your door selling wrapping paper, cookies, and pies for school fund-raisers. No?
Then I'm sure you have a co-worker that has come around offering the same items for "his kid." No?
Then you'll surely have a niece, nephew or other child relative waiting in the wings for you to order the same thing? No?
Then you must be on the sex offender list, and parents have told their kids that zombies live in your house.

True story--When I worked at a restaurant, (we'll call it Outback Makehouse) a co-worker asked everyone if they'd be interested in buying fudge for a school fund-raiser from his "niece." Luckily for him, all servers have cash at the end of the night, and it was an easy sell. I even threw in 15 or 20 bucks for some chocolaty goodness.
He hung up the sales booklet of goodies and an envelope to pay on the bulletin board near the office in the back of the restaurant. I'd say he had collected a good 2 or 300 bucks towards his niece getting a free can of "silly string" for selling so much.

And then he disappeared.

How much is a job at a restaurant worth to you? It was obviously worth less than 300 bucks for him. I am certainly going to "Better off Dead" this guy and haunt him for much more than 2 dollars for the rest of his life.

As fate would have it, my kids have now entered this phase of con-man gestapo cute face/puppy dog eyes tactics to sell crap to loved ones and neighbors. If the school needs money, just come ask me for some. Don't make my kids go door to door in the rain hoping to earn enough "sales" to get a squishy ball, when the school only gets 30% of the profit!!!

So we've set up some guidelines--Mom and Dad buy from each of the kids. Grandma and Grandpa's have the option to buy, and we'll bother nobody else.

This has given me the greatest excuse ever when dealing with those cute cuddly little kids selling wrapping paper and Christmas doilies door to door----"I'm sorry....we've already bought some from our kids."
Zero guilt for sending kids away. It's like being a jerk without the calories---Diet Jerk.

And now for 2 more funny things:

You should stop by and read my new post today at scrivel.com. (click the previous sentence) It's also about door-to-door salesman, and is guaranteed to be semi-funny.

And lastly--
I realize that President Bush is not very popular, and people are upset with him for a multitude of things. But if I found out that he had taught my kid "the shocker"......I would go ape-wild.

Reason #1 why you should shop at the Wal-marts

2008-11-17T11:00:00.000-07:00

Many of you who follow this blog know that I am not the biggest proponent for shopping at Walmart. In an attempt to become like Foxnews and be "fair and balanced," (yeah right) I am starting a sister segment to Reasons you shouldn't shop at Walmart.

It is cleverly titled "Reasons you should shop at Walmart." I spent literally hours on this.

Meg over at Prefers her fantasy life tipped me off to a recent problem at Walmart.
An AP story has shown that bottled water has contaminants. It shows that 2 brands violate California law. Oddly enough, Sams Club (Walmart) water is one of these mentioned.

I'll admit that I drink bottled water at work. It's better than the alternatives:

There is a drinking fountain in the hall. I call it the "spelunker" because there is a stalagmite-esque growth forming on the area where the water comes out. I imagine it is just hard-water deposits, but I don't want to drink water from a fountain that looks like a guy trying to pass a stone. (Ok, I've never seen this personally, but I would imagine if something was stuck "in-line" then the stream would be affected)

In addition, all water from public facilities here at work tastes like pungent gym socks. I imagine that this would appeal to a minority of the population, but I prefer my gym sock water fresh.

I can always go purchase a soda pop. Perhaps if I drink enough of these, I will witness passing a stone firsthand.

So, I drink bottled water. It tastes great!! Oh, you say it has no taste?? Exactly. Good water should have no taste.

So what is the alarming news about the bottled water??

I guess they found 38 chemicals in the water, including:
bacteria, caffeine, acetaminophen, fertilizer, solvents, plastic-making chemicals, and strontium.

Let me be the first to ask::
Where do I sign up?? This could be the greatest drink every created!!
I can see the commercial now:

TV doctor: Where else can you get all 38 chemicals in one drink?? Don't waste time taking pills for all these chemicals. You can save thousands of dollars, and hundreds of hours just by drinking our ChemH20 once per day.

(Little print at the bottom of the tv ad)
ChemH20 has not shown to carry large amounts of bacteria, although what is found is primarily from human spit and earwax. Caffeine and acetaminophen combined with fertilizer has been shown to cause cancer in laboratory animals. ChemH20 recommends leaving water on shelf for 29.10 years before drinking as that is the half-life of Strontium. Main solvents in water do not include water. Most plastic-making chemicals have not proven to cause a "yeast-like" phenomenon in the stomach, although this may be possible.
Doctor shown above is not an actual doctor. In fact, his real first name is "doctor."
ChemH20 should not be taken before operating heavy machinery.

So Kudos to you Walmart. Let's place a mark on the "pro" side of the list when deciding where to shop.

Lost on the internet highway with only Google as my GPS

2008-11-14T09:30:00.002-07:00

As noted in the first installment of this 2-part series, it appeared that I was receiving many gay Google search hits even though I'm only 1/4 gay. I'm confused by this.

Today's search hits focus more on porn and molestation.
You know, for a PG-13 blog that feels decent about the kiddies stopping by, I sure get some creepy search hits.
I'd say that over 50% of my search term hits referenced some sexually explicit topic. And about 0% of these actually stayed over 5 seconds. So sorry for you.
On with the show.

-how much water do we lose in tears per day?
I think this truly depends on who's asking... Let's say this is Tammy Faye Baker. She probably exudes about a 2-liter of tears per day. That's Enough brine to cure 8 pounds of meat.
The more interesting search would be "how much water do we lose in urine per day?" If you ask Bear Grylls, the answer would be none, as he'd drink all that exited his pee pee. (I haven't said the word pee pee for years, and it just felt right there)

-how to overcome body issues with doctor because you were molested
Again, these poor people who were molested end up at my site. Let me just tell you this....
No woman is comfortable when the word speculum is mentioned.
No man feels at his best when we hear the words "turn your head and cough."
And nobody....nobody can overcome an anal spotlight search by their dermatologist.

-how to say stop hammertime in
I suppose this person hit the enter button before they could finish this search, so I'll finish it for them.

Spanish--pare el tiempo del martillo
Dutch--de tijd van de eindehamer
French--arrêtez le temps de marteau
German--stoppen Sie Hammerzeit
Russian--остановите время молотка
Chinese--停止錘子时间
Road sign--

-is it ok to burn off moles?
As long as it's not on your genitals. Singed pubic hair carries a terrible smell.

-my dream is to ride a bike
Phoebe Buffay....Welcome to That tears it....!

-olympic diving crotch grab
I actually think this may be a great idea. I'd really like to see Michael Jackson leap from the 10 meter platform, and get judged on how well he grabs his crotch before he hits the water at 25 mph, and breaks 14 bones in his pretend face.
It would be very close race for the gold medal between Usher, Justin Timberlake, and Paul Reubens.

-pampered chef banana hammock
I've discussed in the past how I feel about women selling crap in stupid parties which guilt trip their friends (my wife) into buying stuff that is totally unnecessary.
This search term may have merit though. Who wouldn't buy a relish tray from a buff hairless dude in a purple glittery swimsuit.
Then again, this could backfire if you wanted to demonstrate a fondue pot, and lather your inner thighs with molten lava hot melted cheddar.

-reflection related to female anatomy on a female sporting event
I sure hope you searched this while watching women's beach volleyball, and not when the Chinese women's gymnastics team was taking the floor you pervert.

-see no evil hear no evil naked bathroom video
You are in luck here. Oddly enough, I know exactly what this searcher was looking for...although he won't find it on my site. (I saw this movie via my Grandma)
There's a scene in "See no evil, hear no evil" where Gene Wilder is poking around the bathroom while Joan Severance is taking a shower. She appears topless, and Gene pulls his hand out of his pocket where it appears he is holding a gun...and the "gun" still appears to be poking out in his pants. Or something like that.
Oddly enough, Gene Wilder has never been in one of my erotic fantasies, nor do I hope he ever will be. This alone should prohibit one from searching for this video.
Mr Skin would be a better destination to get your answer on this topic.

-something to instantly inhale odors
Here in the states, we call this a nose.

-Timothy Olyphant future movies
After "Hitman" there should not have been a single script sent to his house. This guy should be modeling underwear...not acting.

-twig and berries porn
Why oh why? I'm not going to attempt to translate the motives of this google user. I would bet that his (or her) next search was "boobies porn."

-two twigs and tree berries
I think this is in reference to the new sports drama starring Michael Jordan and Lance Armstrong.

-why do men urinate in toilet versus urinal?
You mean why do men pee sitting down rather than standing up??
Why don't you ask my wife??

Of magnetic tape and head drums

2008-11-12T09:00:00.000-07:00

One of the modern wonders of the world resides in my Grandmother's house.
No, It's not the sugar cookies that have been in the treat jar since 1982.
Nor is it the actual functioning Atari 800 in the basement.

The most amazing site in this house is the collection of VHS cassette tapes.

My Grandma had HBO and cable for many many years in my youth. Not far from the TV was the most recent copy of TV Guide. In these precious pages was the key to her "game plan" for the week.
Her goal was to record as many movies as humanly possible with the VCR.
Was that "The Goonies" on at 7:30 AM? She'd be up to start the recording.
I see that "Mask" is on at 11:30 PM....never fear--Grandma would be up to hit record.
She was TIVO before TIVO even existed. She should sue for prior art.

Could she have set the VCR to record on its own? Perhaps....but I never noticed the time on the VCR display anything but 12:00.

Many of you that watched movies in the "old days" will recognize the VHS cassette tape storage cases. You could put dozens of tapes in each case.

My Grandma has rooms full of these cases. In each of these cases are recorded movies.
If you're looking for a certain genre, never fear. She's arranged them by movie type; Westerns, Action, Horror, etc. She'd label the outside of the case with marker on a strip of masking tape indicating the genre of movies.
Pull open any case and you'll find that every tape contains 3 movies. (For sure she recorded in EP--Extended play to get 6 hours per tape)

It's time for some mental math.
She has approximately 250 cases stacked high in her house. Each case holds 30 tapes. Each tape contains 3 movies......carry the 3....decimal point shift....pull out the HP calculator....and it appears that she has no less than 22,500 movies in tow. Eat that blockbuster.

There are two thoughts I have regarding these movies. One is from the past, and the other is in the future.

I was raised in a very religious household. We did not watch movies or TV that was inappropriate for young children or oppressed teenagers.
From time to time, my Grandma would send a care package for the grand kids. Inside would be a few VHS tapes with movies she thought we'd enjoy. We'd sit down and enjoy "Labyrinth," or perhaps "Star Wars."

Unfortunately I don't think my Grandma realized what some of the other movies on the tapes were. She must have classified "Labyrinth" as a horror movie, because when it finished, Friday the 13th part 3 started up.
The shock...the horror...the satisfaction....
I must have watched and re-watched that movie 15 times in the hidden quiet of the basement. There was a topless scene that was probably viewed about 156 times. I think the tape was starting to wear out.

It seemed that every kids movie on the tapes were followed by some great spectacle of action, horror, and curse words. Without these precious tapes, I would have never seen Nightmare on elm street when I was 9. I would have missed Judge Dredd, all the Conan (Arnold) movies, Red Sonja, and Stripes. That would have been a shame.

I wonder if my Grandma has a VHS storage section called "Free Cinemax Preview."
As an older teenager I remember watching some movie from my Grandma, and the clip ending abruptly, and shifting to a gratuitous sex scene including a lady with dinner-plate size nipples.
As I headed away to college the next year, I assume my younger brother kept that one in his sacred stash.

I don't think my Grandma has seen 5% of those movies, but for some reason she religiously recorded them. For what purpose I know not.

As she approaches her upper 80's, I realize that she won't be around for much longer. So what is to become of her VHS movie collection??
How can you put a price on this? She probably dedicated thousands of dollars towards materials, and probably tens of thousands of hours recording, cataloging, stacking, etc.

Surely there must be someone out there who would value this treasure??

Alas, I think the market for TV-recorded VHS movies is a soft one. So much time dedicated....for what?? Nothing.
It's the same way I feel about collecting baseball cards as a youth. It's a good thing that I have every Barry Bonds baseball card ever created. The buyers are knocking my door down.

I gotta go. Time to clear out space in my basement for these cases. Do I even still have a VCR?

Battle of the Bands Pt 2

2008-11-09T21:00:00.000-07:00

In our second installment, of the "Battle of the Bands," I have two worthy candidates today.
I'm trying hard to top the two bands from last time, but it will be hard.

Take a look, and vote below for your favorite.

Up first we have Eddy Murphy's gay cousin, Captain Underpants, and tweaker violinist. Enjoy. It's like Sesame Street goes to Hell.

For intermission, I bring to you the worst video of all-time...but there is a catch. Zlad is much like Borat, and is pulling a fast one on us....Needless to say, this video will make you fall out of your chair.

And our second contestant is the lovable Fredy Miler. You'll think you're getting "pinball wizard" at the beginning of the video, but you can only be so lucky. Welcome to Fredy's world, where tweezers are taboo, and fashion mirrors are chic.

As always, vote below for the winner.

Who is the winner of battle of the bands part 2? ( surveys)

Top 5 kicks in the crotch

2008-11-07T11:00:00.000-07:00

My life has been filled with continual sports disappointment. It is not in the cards for a team I root for to win the championship in anything. I even have multiple 2nd place trophies from my sporting days as a youth.
I invest literally hundreds of hours watching my teams through the season, only to usually end the season with a loss.

In an attempt to exorcise the demons, I'm relating the top 5 disappointing games of my lifetime. (to this point) Enjoy my misery.

#5--1997 NBA finals. (Jordan fakes an illness)
For years, Stockton to Malone led the Jazz to 50+ win seasons.
In a hard-fought western conference finals over Houston, the Jazz found themselves in the finals for the first time. Unfortunately, they had to face Jordan and the Bulls.
The Bulls had home court, and held firm in the first 2 games to take a 2-0 lead in the series. Games 3 and 4 went to the Jazz at home.
Then came "the flu game." Rumor has it, that Jordan had woke up puking with food poisoning. The trainers told him there was no way he would be able to play in game 5. Did he play?? Duh.
After going unconscious in the 4th quarter, he single-handedly put the Jazz in the grave. Bulls by 2.
For all intents and purposes, the series was over. Game 6 had Steve Kerr as the Jazz killer...hitting a bucket to put the game away. Bull Win. Damn that Jordan.

faker

#4--BYU over Utah 26-24 1998. (Kaneshanko)
Newly built Rice-Eccles stadium in Salt Lake City was the setting for another installment of the "Holy War." For those east of the Mississippi, the Utah-BYU rivalry is one of the most bitter in the country.
Utah was in the midst of a transformation. Amid years of losing to BYU in the 70's and 80's, Ron Mcbride had restored some semblance of pride in the Utah football program in the 90's, and we had enjoyed success against our rivals.
I was present at this game. It was hard fought, and back and forth. Utah was down by 2 and was mounting a last minute drive. After a big pass play to Steve Smith (Carolina Panthers fame) the Utes were down in field goal position. In comes the field goal unit to seal the victory with a 32 yard field goal. Freshman Ryan Kaneshiro calmly boots the ball straight for the uprights.
I actually didn't see the rest. The cannon indicating that the Utes had scored boomed through the stadium, and the crowd went berserk. I couldn't see the play on my end of the stadium.
The dust began to settle, and the tell-tale sign of the refs indicating "no good" silenced the crowd.
Kaneshiro had hit the upright, and it bounced off to the doom of the Utes....BYU wins. Religious zealots in the state of Utah go hog wild, and prepare thousands of tons of green jello in celebration.

#3--2002 World Series: SF Giants lose to those damn Angels. (Dusty Baker takes a rally monkey up the ass)
The Giants and Angels were both wild card teams riding hot streaks into the world series. Barry Bonds was at his big-headed best, and the Giants bullpen was unstoppable.
Fast forward to game 6. Giants are up in the series 3-2, and had a gem going with Russ Ortiz on the mound. With the Giants up 5-0 in the 7th, the Angels put a man on. Dusty Baker then makes the biggest mistake of his career. (besides buying those ugly glasses) He pulls Ortiz.
Let me explain. Up to this point in the series, if the Giants were up in the 6th, we'd throw our unstoppable bullpen at the Angels. First was the hard-throwing Felix Rodriguez. Fast-ball in the high 90's, and that's all he threw.
Then you'd see Scott Eyre, followed by Tim Worrell. Once we hit the 9th, Robb Nen would come in and seal the game.
Unfortunately, the Angels had seen these pitchers far too many times in the series, and had figured them out.
Rodriguez came in for Ortiz, and promptly gave up 3 runs. Moving forward to the 8th inning, and that damn drifter Scott Spiezo hits a 3-run bomb off Worrell over that joke of a right-field fence at Edison field.
Series over. The Giants were 8 outs from the best chance of a Series win.
I still hate that rally monkey.

#2--1998 NBA finals. (David Stern's forced Jordan win)
The Jazz were still smarting from their ousting of last years finals to the Bulls. This time, the Jazz were the best team in the league, and cruised through the playoffs to the finals.
Down 3-2 in the series, the series shifted back to Salt Lake City where the Utah crowd gave a definite home court advantage.
Fast forward to the 4th quarter of game 6.
First the Stern-forced refs called a shot clock violation on the Jazz in which replay showed that Howard Eisley got the shot off in time.
The Jazz take a 3 point lead with 41 seconds left.
Jordan makes a layup, and the Jazz get the ball back.
Karl Malone solidifies his "greatest NBA playoff choker of all time" status by getting the ball stripped by Jordan. And then the magic occurs. (Stern magic)
Bryon Russell was guarding Jordan. Jordan crosses over just inside the 3-point line, pushes Russell blatantly to the ground, and calmly hits the shot that is replayed over and over again as one of his best.

Cheater

Jordan wins his last title, and Stern gets his wish. I hate David Stern.
Later, Karl Malone and Dennis Rodman would meet in the WCW ring in an exhibition wrestling match. Oh how the mighty have fallen.

#1--1998 NCAA title game. (Kentucky can burn in Hell)
After losing Keith Van Horn to graduation the year before, the Utes did not appear to be as strong as the season previous.
Ultimately, Andre Miller and Michael Doleac led the Utes to new heights.
After getting a (rip-off) #3 seed in the NCAA tournament, they cruised along to the elite 8. Here, they faced Arizona and Mike Bibby. Rick Majerus instituted a triangle and two defense to combat Bibby, and the Utes rolled to a big win.
Next they faced North Carolina in the final four. UNC was the favorite by many to win it all. Featuring an all-star lineup of Vince Carter, Antwan Jamison, and Brendan Haywood, UNC was no match for Miller and Doleac. Utes win...on to the finals.
The Utes faced Kentucky in the finals, and cruised to a 10 point lead at half-time. In the end, our thin bench was our downfall, and Ron Mercer and Scott Padgett rolled us over for a Kentucky victory.
This was as close as I've ever been to a championship victory for my favorite team. It still hurts.
Majerus promptly went to chuck-o-rama and ate his weight in dinner rolls.

Is it so much to ask for one redeeming championship in any sport? Just one?? Karma owes me.

All gay roads lead here

2008-11-05T10:00:00.004-07:00

The other day I wandered over to Google analytics for a quick look-see. I had received a bunch of traffic one day for no apparent reason. (by a bunch, I mean more than my family and relatives who read this blog) I guess one of my posts somehow landed on reddit.com and pushed a couple hundred people my way. After spending 3 seconds on my blog, they all quickly hit the "back" button.

While I was looking through the mounds of data on Google analytics, I stumbled across the Google search terms that had brought people to my blog. In a blatant attempt to rip off dozens of other blogs who do this same thing, I want to list a few of these search terms for your enjoyment. There were quite a few that I found humorous, and I will probably roll this into a 2-part post, with the follow-up next week.

-Does Timothy Olyphant have dentures

I'll admit that this guy has a nice set of choppers. In fact, I hear the new rage among multi-millionaire actors is to get dentures instead of crowns or implants. Look at the advantages:
You can brush your teeth down in the sink.
Leave your teeth in a minty solution overnight, and never have "morning breath" when you wake up.
You can have multiple sets of teeth. "Angry" teeth, "seductive" teeth, and perhaps "flava flav" teeth.

-prostate exam molest

There are actually two schools of thought here, and it depends on who's doing the exam. Was it a male or female? If you claim molestation while a woman is performing the jelly finger, then you need to be punched. On the other hand, when a man with Tony Robbin's hands throws on the rubber glove, you may have cause for concern.
I think the general rule is the "double swirly." If there are more than 2 rotations of the fingers, you should be alarmed.

-dirty talk cursing

I'm actually wondering if there is a way to have dirty talk without cursing. Let's run through a few test cases:
"Oh, your manliness is so manly."
"Smack my rump."
"Your aeriola are as large as dinner plates."
I'm hot already.

-taco bell and rodent

Whoa!!!! You're treading on thin ice here. Why don't you just go insult the Pope while you're at it.
Taco Bell is part of the holy trinity of drive-thru joints. (Whataburger and In-N-Out complete the triumvirate)
To insinuate that Taco Bell has rodents in their meat or restaurant is an abomination...unless you consider cat to be a rodent. Then you are correct.

-things we were never told about after the baby
Here's a few you might have missed:
6 weeks until sex.
Decreased sleep by 30%.
12-15 diaper changes per day.
Cleaning the umbilical cord. (I still think this is weird)
But, nobody can explain how cool it is to hold your own child. Awesome.

-32 minutes in hell

You're actually wrong about the time. It's actually considered 30 minutes in hell, and happens on Mondays on CBS at 9PM EST. Others call it "2 and half men."

-banana hammock gay porn

Why can't a straight man wear a banana hammock? Who cares if I want to show off my milky white thighs at the water park?
It's curious that I don't have any searches of "banana hammock straight porn."

-deep

What the hell were you trying to find here? If you want to narrow your search results, I suggest putting quotations around the word, or using Boolean expressions. For example, deep OR deep may help. Dumb ass.

-Dirty talk for dummies

I've got you covered here. Please send $29.95 plus $6.99 shipping and handling to my paypal address. I'll conveniently map out the approach you'll want to take in the bedroom. We'll start with a few "smack my rumps," and work forward to integrating curse words.
Practice makes perfect, so we suggest you repeat our phrases multiple times per day. At work, in front of the mirror, in confession, etc.

-Does e coli make poop smell worse?

There is a reason people use the term, "that smells like crap." This is because poop is about the worst smelling material on planet earth. I have yet to see a reality show on BravoTV that judges the smell of poop. (holy cow...I totally have "prior art" on this idea. You read it here first) This would be silly. What would they call it?? D-list celebrity poop-off? (WOW...I should totally be in marketing)

-dummies guide to urinal flushing instructions

I'll give it to you now, so that next time you hit my site, you'll actually have an answer to your question.
First, pee. Secondly, walk away and let the auto-flush mechanism take over. If you live in Arkansas, then this may be different. I also cover this:
First, pee. Secondly, depress the small handle labeled "flush."
Please wash hands in either case.

-dirty talk with mom

Some things require no response, nor do I have one here. I thought Ed Gein was dead.

-fisting bei McDonalds

I hope this is a new fish sandwich that Mcdonalds is planning on releasing, because I don't want to know the true nature of this search.

-forced smelling feet gay

Hmmm. There sure are a lot of gay references bringing people to my site.
Forcing someone to smell your feet is not gay. In fact, this has been a tactical maneuver used by big brothers across the country for years. Used along with "wet woolies," "indian burns," and "loosened pepper shaker lids," you have a normal well-adjusted teenage boy.

-help getting over molestation

First of all, the internet is probably not the best place to find the answer to this question.
Secondly, I have never gotten over my prior experience.
Dr. Matt is currently out of the office.

Check back next week for part 2 of "creepy gay Google searches that bring people to this site."

A plethora of boobs

2008-11-03T10:00:00.003-07:00

Up until the age of 15, I had many "pretend" jobs. Mowing lawns, shoveling snow, etc. At 15, I decided that I wanted to be a lifeguard. The glory....the sun....the chicks...this job had it all.
I took a life guarding course which was actually fairly strenuous. Some of the challenges necessary to complete the course were:

Treading water while holding a 10 pound brick above the water for 1 minute.
Swimming 25 meters in 16 seconds.
Deep water rescues with back injuries.
Crossing my legs nonchalantly to suppress my raging hormones while dripping wet females practiced CPR on me. (no mouth-to-mouth action...instead they would do a pretend "breath" to the side of my head--my neck. This pretty much had the same effect as stuffing their tongue down my throat.)

After receiving this certification, I started job-hunting. As I lived in a land-locked western state, and the fact that I couldn't drive yet, my only option was a local water-park.
In the interview process where I dazzled them describing rescue techniques, and swimming prowess, I found out that the deepest water in the park was 5 feet. It appeared that the only skill I would be putting to use was my height while I walked towards a drowning victim.

Nevertheless, I was excited to be making $4.25 an hour getting a tan.

Little did I know the sights this 115 pound 15 year old would witness......

First of all, I had never seen so much skin in my entire life. Everywhere you looked, there was skin and cleavage. As a 15 year old skinny walking hormone, it was way worse than walking and chewing gum at the same time.

As if this job couldn't get any better, I learned about the speed slides.

We had some very high, steep slides that went straight down into a splash pool. There was a lifeguard at the bottom to ensure that nobody broke their neck, exited the pool, and to send the next slider. Nowhere in the job description did it say "peeping tom."

Many teenage boys learned the laws of simple physics at this location.

Place one woman on the slide with a bikini.
Send her down at 40 miles per hour.
Stop her almost instantly in a splash pool at the bottom.
Witness Newton's 3rd law of motion---For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. Watch as a 40 miles per hour swimsuit top is met by a stronger force of water, thus shooting the top directly over the head of the victim.
And there you have it...public pornography.

Needless to say, this was something I was looking forward to. I was a pretty naive kid, and had never seen "live" breasts in my life. (Ok, there was that time that I was at a friend's house, and his sister with Downs Syndrome flashed us. I didn't ask for it, nor did I enjoy it. I needed to wash my visual palette out from this experience.)

Looking back, I don't think I truly realized the odds of an enjoyable experience. Let's run a little math here:

There were roughly only 10-15% of women at the water park whom you'd actually like to see topless. Roughly 20% of these women were wearing bikinis, and only about 10% of bikini tops actually came off on the slide.
Complicated algebra states that you'd actually only get lucky with a "topless hotty" about .3% of the time. The odds weren't in your favor.

But a boy could hold out hope.

I saw boobs...lots of boobs at this location. But it wasn't good.

There was the time that the middle aged mom of 5 came down and walked out of the water unknowingly topless. When here family yelled to alert her, the tears started rolling. She was utterly embarrassed. I was even more embarrassed for her.

Another time a girl hit the water so hard, she got a bloody nose...and her top popped off. I turned my head and wondered what kind of sick freaks would get off on this.

And then it happened...one sunny afternoon, the stars aligned and sent the perfect woman down the slide. As she stood up after hitting the water, she rubbed the water out of here face, completely oblivious that she was giving a show.
But I couldn't look....I was too embarrassed. I turned my head, and leaned down and alerted her about the missing top. She quickly fixed her suit, and thanked me for being a gentleman.

Over the course of a summer, I saw more skin than Benny Hill. But even being a complete horn-dog teenage boy, getting excited over someones embarrassing experience wasn't something I could enjoy.

Plus, I now have the luxury of viewing my own man-boobs in the comfort of my own home whenever I wish. Viva la leche!!

Nightmare on my street

2008-10-31T12:00:00.000-06:00

You're getting jack on here today....but I still have a new post.
You'll just have to meander on over to scrivel.com to take a look. It's Halloween-related, and may be worth a chuckle or two. Take a look HERE.

Speaking of nightmares....
Some of you may have read my past post on my sleeping problems. Last night I had a nightmare that was so real, I wouldn't be surprised if it came true.
I'm a huge University of Utah football fan. As some may know, we're #10 in the most recent BCS standings. For a non-BCS school to gain entry into the BCS bowls, you pretty much have to go undefeated, so a loss would put us in some crappy bowl in Forth Worth or Boise.

Saturday, we're in Albuquerque to play the University of New Mexico. Despite all the trailer parks, and meth labs, UNM has always given us troubles in football.
In my dream, I watched us go down to UNM 24-10. Terrible.
Just an FYI, this coming Thursday, we play at home against TCU. Should be a good one with 2 top 15 teams.

If you're wandering around the blogosphere this weekend, you should go check out a new site that I'm affiliated with. www.review-spew.com
I think it'll be a great site which reviews anything and everything...along with some humor.
The debut of the site is tomorrow. (Nov 1st) Over the next few days there will be a few new posts with new reviews.

Taco Bell delivers....I think....

2008-10-30T10:30:00.000-06:00

The world series is fantastic. Regardless of the teams involved (as long as its not the Dodgers) I'm always interested, and watch every game.
This year was no exception, and although I pulled for the Devil Rays, I wasn't terribly upset that the Phils pulled it out.

One moment that took me by surprise, was the fact that Taco Bell decided to give all America a free taco if there were a stolen base. Given the fact that the Rays are base-thief extraordinaires, I felt the chances were pretty good that I'd get a taco. I go there once every week or so for lunch, and a free taco just sweetens the deal.

Game 1--Jason Bartlett swipes second base, and free tacos for everyone!!!

And then came the catch.

You couldn't just walk in the next day to get a free taco. They set up specific times and dates when the tacos were given out. They were not opportune times, and I didn't feel like fighting college students and homeless people in a line akin to "black Friday" at Kohls.

I mean---c'mon. Look at the advertisement from Taco Bell. Read the disclaimer at the bottom. How bad did they truly want to give out free tacos anyway?? (you can click picture to enlarge)

Keep your arms and legs in the ride at all times

2008-10-28T14:20:00.000-06:00

Despite the market doing this:

My 401K is more like this:

My fund managers must have invested in the Mccain campaign.

And the end result is always the same....I puke at the end of the ride.

Escape from H.S.

2008-10-27T11:30:00.000-06:00

I learned quickly that you don't want to stand out in High School as a Sophomore. Our Seniors had a tradition of "pushing pennies." They'd drop a penny on the floor of our 108 year old High School, and you'd have to push it with your nose until they were satisfied. (this "tradition" was outlawed my senior year...along with hats, bandanas, and skipping class more than 3 times before you'd receive a failing grade in that class...grrrr)

Wallflowers generally weren't picked to "push a penny." They liked to pick on a different breed. Perhaps you were too loud, way too nerdy, or just got in their way.
Keep your head down, don't walk through their hall too often, and you were OK.

I was a little kid in 10th grade. I was a late bloomer, fresh into puberty. Perhaps 5'6". Maybe 125 pounds. I truly had the fear that I'd get stuffed in my locker at any time. Not a completely enjoyable time in my life.

My Biology class was in a separate building from the main campus. You had to walk a short distance through "blue collar wasteland" to get to the building. Along the way, you'd pass the auto shop gang, photography pack, and then finally you'd wade through the blur of the FFA crew.
They'd all park their pickup trucks along the building and just hang out all day. Did they have class? Who knows.
All I know, is that besides wading through old Skoal spit, you needed to watch out for these shit-kickers. They generally weren't a friendly bunch.

The only cowboys I truly like

One snowy afternoon, I was walking along with a bunch of people to the AG building. (where my biology class was located) I assumed the head-down, eyes averted position. Unfortunately, this was not my lucky day.
Why me?? Who knows. Perhaps it was because I looked like Paul from the wonder years. Perhaps it was apparent in my brisk walk that I wanted nothing to do with these cowpunchers.

Whatever it was, the end result was a snowball in the gut.

I froze.

Cowboy #1 in the Ford F150: What are you looking at?
Me: (I was truly looking at the ground) Nothing.
Cowboy #2 leaning on his Subaru Brat: Were you looking at his girl?
Me: (Frantically planning my escape route) No.
Cowboy #1's girlfriend wearing pants far too tight for any human being: You looking at me?
Me: (Contemplating dropping my backpack to get a fast start) No.
Cowboy #1: What's your problem? First you're looking at her, now you think she's ugly?
Me: (Wondering how his logic brought him to this conclusion) No...I'm just going to class.

I noticed now that the group of people that were walking near me had all entered the building, and I was all alone.
It was then that the fight or flight gene took over.

I ran.

Amid yells of "we're waiting for you to get out of class, and then kicking your ass," and a hail-storm of snowballs, I reached the door in relative safety.

I was safe...or so I thought.

My hand reached my pocket for the note. It was from my mom, and gave me permission to leave this class early in order to make it to an orthodontist appointment. My mom was going to be waiting in the front of the school in 15 minutes.

My heart raced. Do I skip the appointment? Cell phones were still larger than a loaf of bread at this time, so I couldn't call her. I had to meet my mom in the front of the school or they'd send
"school officials" looking for me. That would look REALLY cool to be escorted out by the Vice-Principal.

I gave the note to the teacher, and walked out of his classroom. His room bordered the Wood shop, and behind the building were unused animal pens. There truly was only 1 entrance/exit to this building.

I crept towards the exit door, and my fears were confirmed. The parking lot was still riddled with sheep-bangers, and I had to pass right by them. My mind raced as I thought of another option. I considered getting the teacher, and having him talk to the bullies. I'm sure that would go over well with my peers. What kid with a teacher body-guard wouldn't be a target in the future?

So, I decided to look for another exit.

There were big dual doors that led outside. These must have been to get equipment into the wood shop. Unfortunately, these were padlocked.
Time was ticking by. I had to be out front in 5 minutes.

So I pushed further into the beast.

This building was only 1 level, but I noticed a catwalk around the perimeter of a large room that housed equipment.

And then my inner Axel Foley took over. (Jack Bauer hadn't been invented yet)

I found an emergency ladder that led to the catwalk. I pushed a table over to reach it.

Walking the catwalk, I found a group of windows that led outside. Luckily, I was able to get one open. Once open, I found another stumbling block. The windows opened up directly to a 20 foot drop. My only chance of escape was a 6 inch ledge under the windows that went around the perimeter of the building.
I took a step into the cold winter air, and onto the ledge. I didn't know where I was going, but realized that I couldn't stop.

After side-stepping the ledge for about 20 feet, I made my way to the corner of the building. My hands burned as I held fast onto the cracks of the bricks. I could see freedom. Unfortunately, it was a 20 foot drop until I was home free.
I did have one option. After turning the corner on the ledge, a parking lot bordered this side of the building.

Salvation waited in the form of a 1988 Ford Mustang GT 5.0.

Knowing that my mom was waiting out front, I decided to act. I jumped....and landed feet-first onto the hood of the cherry red mustang.

I did a movie-like roll onto the snow-covered ground, and felt fine. No broken bones. I channeled my inner Carl Lewis, and sprinted to the front of the school, leaving those Cow-douches behind.

Luckily, they seemed to forget the earlier encounter for the rest of that semester. My wall-flower status was once again reinstated.

I'd like to say that the Mustang looked no worse for wear....but I can't. I just hope that whomever was the owner of the car wasn't too upset, as he'd saved the life of a young boy.

The next week, our teacher mentioned that someone had been spotted climbing on the side of the building by another teacher the previous week. He warned us of the danger, and said that the student had not been identified. They'd never suspect a wallflower.

The List.......of change

2008-10-22T22:00:00.001-06:00

I realize that everyone has "the list."

This mythical group of 5 celebrities that one would "totally hook up with" if given the chance.

I searched high and low for rules that may pertain to a list, but found no concrete evidence on wikipedia. (which is gospel)

I did find a site which conducts a "fantasy draft" of hot women. Their list of rules was longer than the constitution of the United States. I believe this group of men spend many nights at home playing Warcraft.

I think there needs to be a few ground-rules if you have one of these lists.

-They must be a b-list celebrity or higher. By placing your next-door neighbor on the list, you're asking for marital problems. If you're living next door to a b-level celebrity, then you probably aren't reading my blog.
Obviously an A-list celebrity wouldn't take you for more than the coffee guy, but it's possible that if you met Daniel Baldwin in a bar, you'd have a real shot at going home with him. Don't set your sights too low. (male or female)

-Celebrity impersonators are off limits. Just because somebody looks and acts like someone else....doesn't mean that they are who they say they are. Ask Eddie Murphy.

-For those of you who put your spouse in all 5 slots, give me a break....we're just playing a stupid little game.

-There should be some sort of semi-permanence to the list. You shouldn't be able to change and rotate people every 6 months on a whim. This fickle attitude leads to temporary mistakes. (like 1997, where 68% of lists had Baby Spice at #3)
There should be some sort of "mulligan" that you can implement on a semi-regular basis though.

I think back to my child-hood. I had no idea about a list, but I do know there were women on movies and TV that "opened my eyes" a little wider.

Below were my top 5 hottest women growing up. As you can see, my list needs some repair...perhaps a new head gasket.

#5 Mary Ann from Gilligans Island. (Dawn Wells)

As a kid, I watched re-runs of this show. Mary Ann was like the motherly hotty on the island. Whoa...Oedipus complex alert.

Take a look in her recent mug shot. I wouldn't be surprised to see this lady in a commercial selling brake pads.

#4 Brigitte Nielson
Between Red Sonja and Rocky 4, I was taken aback. Who was this Amazonian beauty with the strange accent?

Have you seen her now? Even Flava Flav has a hard time looking at her. Day-old Danish anyone??

#3 Punky Brewster (Soleil Moon Frye)

I never missed this show, and had the biggest crush on her. Cute pig-tails.

Ok...she stays on the list.

#2 Kelly Lebrock

Every boy in the 80's felt as I did. Seeing her appear for the first time in underwear made me feel similar to when I climbed the rope in gym. She was the first "naughty girl" I'd ever seen.

Nothing could resist her...including bacon double cheeseburgers.

#1 Laura Ingalls Wilder

I've seen every episode of this show multiple times. It's in my top 5 favorite shows ever. I was truly in love with Laura Ingalls Wilder. I hated that Nellie.

The real Laura Ingalls Wilder.

You want to know who's in my list now??

1-Wife

2-Hot Wife

3-Super hot wife

4-Cool Wife

5-Wife that actually finds me attractive

I'm a nerd.

An aMUSEing twilight's last gleam

2008-10-20T16:00:00.003-06:00

It's not very often that I pick up a "new band" in my musical listening repertoire. As you can see in my top 5 albums, I still enjoy the crowings of Billy Corgan and the Smashing Pumpkins. I don't usually listen to FM radio stations, (although my fine town has a good one that I like) so I don't hear much "new music." And the new music I do hear doesn't usually strike a chord with me.

A while ago, my brother gave me a few recommendations for new bands that I could "try on for size." He suggested Travis, Muse, and I don't remember the 3rd. Based on his list, I told him that I already had my fill of whiny British bands with Coldplay, and was still feeling the after-effects of depression from Oasis in years past. He curtly let me know that he would not be recommending any other music to me in the future.

I downloaded a couple albums by Muse, and promptly left them in an unknown folder on a backup drive somewhere in the depths of my PC. Later, on a "clean-up" of my hard drives, I found the music and threw it on my Zune. (fyi..this is the IPOD for people who are cheap) Wow, wow, and triple wow. As I've mentioned before, this band is sky-rocketing up the chart of my "favorites."

In my quest to let the world know how great I thought this band was, I realized that somebody had beaten me to it.

Stephanie Meyer.

Who?? Oh...if you're a female, you know exactly who I'm talking about. Turns out, that Meyer took inspiration from the music of Muse while writing her world-famous Twilight series. This in itself is not a bad thing. She seems like a nice lady who really likes krispy kremes, and made a jillion dollars writing books. Good on her.
The irritating thing, is that it appears that many of her fans (I'll refer to them as Ed-heads from here on out) also took a liking to the band.
Why is it bad that the Ed-heads also like the same band I do? (A similar group also stole Ben Folds from me, but Ben also contributed to the demise)

If you were to randomly surf a blogger blog, 1 out of every 3 would have some sort of "homage" to Edward on the front page. Rather than demean a single blog by giving the link, I'll demean them all and post my own "pretender Twilight post."

Holy freak!!! I totally just finished the new Twilight book in 27 hours!! I was way tired, and my DH was waaay bugged that he couldn't go to the gym because he had to watch the kids. I think he was little mad:)

It was way worth it though. The only time I stopped reading was to use the restroom. Gross on bringing the book in the bathroom. Germ City!!!

I only cried once, but totally got teary-eyed like 58 times thinking about the love between Edward and Bella. I don't know what I'm going to do now that I'm finished with the book. I've watched the movie trailer like 25 times, and will be at the theater for the 12:01 show.

Whoever is interested, we're thinking about traveling to Phoenix for a speech by Meyer. I will like totally be so excited to see her in person. I really want to ask how she knows me personally and how the love between Edward and Bella was the most perfect thing ever!!!

I gotta go. DH and the kids are ready to go the cheesecake factory. We're celebrating his promotion!! His down-line is exploding!!!

I realize that this does not completely describe all Twilight/Muse fans....and if a large number of you think I'm wrong, perhaps you hire a new PR firm.

Completely grounded women are also wrapped up in this fictional male character. (The perfect man...written by a woman)

My sister (whom is very normal and grounded) was driving with her husband and kids one day. Her husband noticed her looking ponderously out the window and asked her what was wrong.
She stated, "I'm just thinking about Edward."

My wife (who is the most normal person I know in this world) even got wrapped up in the books. She didn't have the fascination that other women did, but still enjoyed the books. Sometimes she'd be reading as we were going to bed, and EVERY single time that I'd ask her what was going on in the book, she'd say: "They're just talking."
I've seen this movie. It's called "Lost in Translation." Do you want to know what happens in that movie? Talking....lots of talking. This precedes some more talking, and for fun you can throw in some drinking...followed by talking.

I'm completely off the main point, but the rant has momentum, and cannot be stopped.

For years, two of my favorite shows were "Angel" and "Buffy the Vampire Slayer." The amount of ridicule that I received for liking these shows was enormous. Usually it would start with
"What are those stupid vampire shows you like so much?," and would go down-hill from there.
Perhaps I paid 5 bucks a month just to get a WB/UPN affiliate to watch a vampire dramas. Anything Joss Whedon does is gold...c'mon.

And yet, not 10 years later, the same women who thought it was so funny that I liked stupid vampire shows are counting down the days until the vampire movie release. (I will NOT be going to the movie....unless it has Corey Haim and Corey Feldman in it)

I've rationally thought about this, and I think I understand.
Ed-heads don't really like Muse. In fact, they don't even really like Vampires. They like the love story between the main characters.
You could have placed the love story in a fish processing plant in Alaska with a mer-man who visits a girl that loves to pull out fish guts. You could have called it "Surflight."

Further evidence.

Here are a group of Twilight fans.

Here is a fan of vampires.

Here are a bunch of fans at a Muse concert.

The only reason I'd see the first group of women at a Muse concert, is to sit outside helping their daughters sell girl-scout cookies. (mmm tagalongs)

From now on, I'll leave the Ed-heads alone. I'll let them neglect their kids while reading the books on top of a running washing machine to their hearts content. Oh...and Ed marries Bella, knocks her up, turns her into a vampire, and they have a non-vampire kid.
I saw this crap many years ago on Angel. Suckers.

Unleash your tiger in the bathroom

2008-10-16T14:00:00.000-06:00

I use two restrooms at my current job. The closer one is for "stand-up" duties, and I trek a little further to a much more desirable bathroom for my heavy lifting. (my quaint single-stall, double-urinal that I've mentioned here)

I don't use the closer bathroom for all my bathroom needs because there are things that are bothersome to me.

First of all, the toilet seat was designed by an Asian engineer with deep-seeded anger towards tall people. The seat is so low that your knees end up near your cheeks.
Good luck trying to pull a half-mast approach with your pants. In order to get in sumo stretch, the pants have to go down to the ankles.
Rather than the average 26 minutes until my legs fall asleep, it only takes 2 or 3 in this position. I won't even go into the cleanup under these circumstances.

Secondly, it is really old. And I mean REALLY old. The building is over 40 years old, and I think this restroom was an old out-house that they built around way back when.
There are missing wall tiles, paint completely cracked and peeling away, and the counter-tops have that 1960's sparkly glitter look. The whole room kind of creeps me out.

And lastly, my experience has led me to believe that hand-washing is more scarce in this bathroom than the other. I wouldn't even wager a guess as to the reason, but I don't care. I'm sick of carrying paper towels back to my office because I won't touch the handle.

One thing this bathroom has in spades is "personality." It's not like women's restroom personality. I've seen the inside of a few women's restrooms....they're like the green room for the Carson Daly show. (the lack of the vegetable spread only warrants a mid-major talk show)
Couches, soft music, tanning beds, free massage...it's all in there.

What does my "That 70's bathroom" have that none of the others do? Look below for the pictures I snapped on my way out the other day.

There's a couple things I'm unclear on---I'm not sure if these pictures would make Siegfried and Roy giddy, or if they've just faded so that everything looks white...??

These are on your way out, and seem to say--Go get em Tiger--on your way out.

If these had titles, what would be the second picture be?? Stay away from my Heineken!!??

The hair up there

2008-10-14T15:00:00.005-06:00

Oh yes....Neil Diamond is on a world tour. I'd say that this may be his last ever---but I truly hope that he is immortal.

December 19th he comes to Salt Lake City, Utah. This is the closest venue to my small town. I aim to be there.

In fact, I've added a donation button on the right-hand side of the blog. (look for the sexy face of Neil)
This is not to buy me a ticket to the concert....no....that would be stupid.
This donation is to buy me a pink sequin shirt that I can wear to the concert. And yes....I will partake in the 3-button rule. (3 buttons undone)

In honor of this event, I will dedicate at least one day a week to Neil Diamond videos. And for you smart-asses, this is not tongue in cheek. How would the elevator fill their dead air with music without Neil?? What would people play when you go on hold on the phone without Neil??
What the Hell would they play on the 4th of July without Neil??

Water play made easy

2008-10-13T05:30:00.000-06:00

For those of you who are in the midst of Christmas shopping already, may I suggest picking up this gem for your kids:

For those without children that have already purchased the "toy with the toy," may I suggest you call your parole officer immediately.

It's been rumored that these are tough to find as they sell out quickly. I would assume that this recent purchase (seen below) has something to do with the shortage.

Punch Drunk Flab

2008-10-08T10:00:00.002-06:00

I was alone this weekend. The wife took the kids to the Grandparents.

I was alone...and the demons spoke to me.

C'mon...just a little...it won't hurt anyone. Nobody will know.

So....I broke down...and had a little. And that little turned into a binge. I couldn't stop myself. You know how it is when your brain loses control.

I was useless this weekend. I had a few things in mind that I wanted to accomplish, but didn't even touch them.

Jack Daniels?? Captain Morgans?? Cuervo 151??

Nope...I turned a much more addictive drug---FOOD!!
I was knee-deep in sour cream, enchilada sauce, coca cola, cookies. The fat grams ingested along with empty calories from junk food defy all description.

I've been staying away from these foods for a little while, and thought I had turned into a better man.

There is a constant battle inside me. My body is always trying to trick my brain into eating foods that I shouldn't. Until now, my brain has been the victor....not this weekend.

A review of my daily activities show just how depraved I had become:

FRIDAY

4:30 PM: My body begins teasing my brain with thoughts of cheese covered tater tots. My brain pushes the thought aside to finish out the work day. The seed has been planted.

5:30 PM: Drive home. Brain tells body to stop for a deli sandwich. Body says that McDonald's has a chicken breast sandwich that is low in fat grams. Brain compromises and has body pull into drive-thru.

5:32 PM: Body speaks out of turn and orders a double cheeseburger...with french fries and a regular Coke. Brain says that we won't eat the fries in protest.

5:36 PM: Fries are gone before car hits the driveway.

5:48 PM: Brain is in an altered state after getting so many fat grams in such a short amount of time. Body takes advantage and starts the hunt for some sort of sweet thing in the house.

6:30 PM: Body convinces Brain to watch a movie. Pop in "Saw 3."

10:47 PM: Body also convinced Brain to watch "Live free or Die Hard." No movement for 4 hours except to adjust volume on remote.

10:54 PM: Brain and Body compromise on a bowl of cereal. Brain is semi-happy that the milk is 1%. Body is happy as the cereal is Cinnamon Toast Crunch.

11:13 PM: Brain says to go sleep. Body tricks Brain into thinking "Call of Duty 4" is exercise. Begin the video games.

1:37 AM: Both exhausted from blowing heads off of 13 year old kids on the internet, Brain and Body go to bed.

2:34 AM: Wake up in a state of fear.

3:05 AM: Wake up in a panic.

4:38 AM: Wake up to investigate loud noises.

SATURDAY

8:14 AM: Brain can sleep no longer, but Body will punish Brain as it is exhausted.

9:53 AM: Body finally lets Brain leave bed.

11:34 AM: After sitting on couch watching "college gameday," both decide that they are hungry. Body is furious as McDonalds is no longer serving Mcgriddles. Both head to Sonic. Body convinces Brain to get a breakfast burrito, tater tots, and a regular coke.

11:59 AM: Brain and Body have now merged into one personality, hell-bent on ingesting every food item available, while keeping bodily movement to a minimum.

4:38 PM: After watching college football for over 4 hours, the need to urinate arises. The debate as whether to use the restroom, or pee in the empty Sonic cup is presented. The fear of spousal wrath if a spill were to occur leads to using the toilet.

4:41 PM: Time for 2 cheese-sticks, and BBQ potato chips. 20 oz coke to wash down.

4:53 PM: College football is too lively for the eyes. The desire for a more sedated tv experience occurs. Watch "Lady in the Water."

7:03 PM: After sleeping through half of "Lady in the Water," the need for more food comes into play.

7:34 PM: Head towards Mexican restaurant. Confirm a drive-thru, and order LARGE Chili Relleno w/ Rice and beans. 3 large Chili's stuffed with pepper jack cheese, deep fried, and then covered with more cheese and sauce. Also order chips/salsa at the last minute.

7:39 PM: Almost drop food as it weighs north of 4 pounds.

8:09 PM: Body begins to have the shakes, as a realistic 190 fat grams were ingested. Lay in a pool of guilt on couch as grease still covers half of face.

8:15 PM: Get down on knees and pray to God for forgiveness. Swear that this will never happen again.

9:03 PM: Forget promise to God, and find bag half full of Grandma's oatmeal cookies.

9:11 PM: Bag is now empty, along with another 20 oz coca cola.

12:58 AM: After watching "21" and the latest Pirates of the Caribbean movie, body heads toward fridge. Only vegetables and cold cut meats are found.

1:09 AM: Finish eating roast beef cold cuts. Head to bed. Sleep soundly. Scale shows a 6 pound gain in 2 days.

SUNDAY

9:58 AM: Wake up.

11:05 AM: Get out of bed.

1:35 PM: After watching NFL for a few hours, the call comes from the wife that she is about 30 minutes from home.

1:38 PM: Frantically take quick shower.

1:48 PM: Clean up all traces of recent food episodes.

1:57 PM: After cursory cleaning, sit down on couch and relax.

2:03 PM: Family home....none the wiser.

All this work on my diet...only to be ruined in 2 days. My brain and body are still separating, and I think I'm backed up because of the large amounts of cheese I ingested.

I gotta go...I need to get a 6" Subway club with no cheese or sauces.

Who is that masked man???

2008-10-06T11:30:00.001-06:00

I'm taking a mulligan on a few of the things I had to chose when I started up this blog. Right off the bat, they want you to name your blog, choose your web address, and then pick a profile name. After a little while, you don't want to change any of this, as you have built up links, and developed a brand name. (albeit, my brand name is only known by 10's)

I pondered on the name of my blog, and the web address, and was---and still am happy with my choice. The thinly veiled Phil Hendrie reference will probably only be caught by a few.

But I'm not happy with my profile name. The Hypocritical One is stupid. It's as chic as John Mccain's hair.

I originally started this blog for ranting purposes. There were so many things that I felt the world needed to fix, and I was going to be a "humorous catalyst for change." I chose the Hypocritical one, as I would be telling others to "do as I say, and not as I do." It seemed funny at the time. I quickly realized that there were 23 thousand other blog just like it on the web...so when push came to shove, I shelved that idea.
I also quickly learned that I just liked to write plain humor, and didn't have the cajones to call out my fellow man.

In addition, I have another blog venture that is coming out shortly, and having the name hypocritical one just wouldn't fit the profile.

So....I have decided to use my real name on this blog.

I hemmed and hawed over this decision for the last month. Mainly, I did not want to be recognized by any co-workers, or people whom I may have offended in a lame attempt to produce humor at their expense.

Luckily, I haven't written much in here that would offend others, and would not be ashamed for them to see most of what I have written. (there are a couple people who may be upset....and those posts will be edited shortly)

Most of my visitors are probably family anyway...so I don't have to hide anything from them.
No need to hide from my wife in the bathroom in order to blog in my spare time.

Secondly, I didn't want to put a picture of myself up here, as there is a "negative movie-star" connotation with my face. Confused?? Let me explain....

Ever since I've been a little kid, people have come up to me and said:

"You look like _____________." And then they would name some actor. Now, most people would consider this a good thing.

Not me.

Why?

Because the majority of the time, the actor who I'm being compared to, would not grace the cover of GQ magazine in the near future.

For your viewing pleasure, and to further humiliate myself on this blog in order to garner laughs, I give you the Matt movie-star lookalike list.

Yeah...that's me....I have 5 o'clock shadow the instant I shave...and a big nose--get over it.

Let's start with the VERY FEW positive lookalikes.

I am most often compared to Zach Braff. People say I have the same mannerisms, and humor that he has in Scrubs....so maybe I should be compared to Dr. Dorian.

The only other semi-attractive celebrity that I have been compared to, is a man who once threw up on people, and ate their guts.

We now move on to the much larger list of celebrities...and these are not positive.

In fact, the very first celebrity that I was compared to was Paul from the Wonder Years. I will never forgive Holly G. for branding me in the 8th grade. You ever see an 8th grade boy cry?? Oh I did...on my pillow nightly for looking like him.

Who is the weirdest celeb I've been compared to?? Why...none other than a cartoon character. I guess I'm lucky it wasn't Porky Pig.

You'd think these were my enemies destroying my self-esteem, but in fact, it was most often my friends. In fact, my best friend in the world compared me to that goofy looking guy Grant Heslov from "Dante's Peak." It almost broke up our friendship.

Just when you think it can't get much worse, along comes another douche-a-riffic person to push my fragile self-image further down the chute in my own personal hell. This one particularly stung, as it was from one of my favorite shows. Mind you.....I was compared to Corporal Klinger based on LOOKS alone.

And finally...you'd think as I got older, that I wouldn't have to deal with this type of ridicule. You'd think that as people got more mature, that they'd stop the mental torture. But----just last year, a portly co-worker laid down the gauntlet, and brought me to a completely new low. You might as well bend me over in a prison cell than compare me to the next celeb.

I seem to notice a pattern here.....Dark hair....potentially middle eastern or Jewish....big nose.....BOOM---A match!!!

Feel free to point out any others that I may have missed. I'm sure that I'll get hit with the comparison someday, so it might as well get done here. My fragile psyche is much less fragile than it once was.
In addition, this ridicule has turned me into one mean bastard when I choose to. Most that mock me in person will leave with their tail behind their legs....but alas, I am not an internet tough guy, so mock away.

I gotta go....News radio is about to start.

Reason #31 why you shouldn't shop at the Wal-marts....

2008-10-02T23:30:00.002-06:00

I don't intentionally pick on this store. Ok...perhaps I do. But it completely justified.

For any Walmart employees that may read this...I'm sure it's not your fault. All these reasons why one shouldn't shop at your establishment are really a by-product of your patrons---not of the store itself. Unfortunately, the Walmart stereotype usually holds true.

None of my terrible shopping experiences occur at Nordstrom. Although I may not receive any service at this store because I am actually wearing Levi instead of Diesel jeans, I probably won't see a customer sniffing the mens underwear. (Although, I wouldn't be surprised if the dude working at the makeup counter is a sniffer.)

The prices are cheap at Walmart. It's business....and they are raking in the bajillions. It still doesn't explain why I see open, empty 12 ounce cans of soda sitting in random places every time I'm there. I suppose its like the candy bins at old-time grocery stores....everyone's a grazer. The soda pop must be a popular draw as well for the grazing community.

If they'd make online shopping available, I'd be interested in continuing my patronage. I suppose for old-time sakes, they could throw in a pop-up ad of someone with 14 stomach rolls wearing crocs.

A few years ago, my wife was shopping there with our 2 young daughters. They were 4 and 1 respectively. She was in the "birthday" aisle looking for some party supplies.

True to the Walmart stereotype, the kids started fighting a little while sitting in the cart. Perhaps they were a little loud, but knowing my wife, she didn't let the decibel level reach epic proportions.

As she got the girls settled down, she heard a yell from the next aisle.

Apparently Senseless Stranger: Shut that kid up!!!

Wife: (to herself) Is he talking to me??

ASS: (louder) You need to smack that kids face!!

Stranger lady in same aisle as my wife: Is he talking to you??

Wife: (heart rate increasing) I don't know.

ASS: I said, shut that kid up!!

Younger daughter starts crying louder sensing the rising tension.

ASS: Did you hear me??? Smack that kid in the face!!

Wife: (getting hot under the collar)

Stranger lady: (to ASS) Leave her alone!

ASS: Shut the kid up....NOW!!

When confrontation arises, the "fight or flight" takes over in every person. Had another male been in the area, I'm sure there would have been a fist-fight between the vacuum bags and irons. With women (especially when you have kids with you), it's hard to throw down the gauntlet with a unseen male stranger.

She just stood there....unsure of what to do. What if she tried to high-tail it out of the aisle. She could run right into him...he might get physical. Plus the mustard from his Big Bacon Classic at Wendy's that was stuck in his mustache could cause blinding of the eyes if she got too close.

Should she call 911? That wouldn't do any good. Walmart is like "Old town" in Sin City. The cops don't venture there.

Should she find an employee? The odds of finding one of the 8 employees that are intermingled with the 1723 patrons would be as successful as a man trying to pee into the water in the middle of the night without turning the light on. (how do you like all those prepositional phrases you fiends!!??)

So she waited....the stranger lady stood with her bravely.

The man passed by a minute later, with a scowl on his face. He briefly looked down the aisle, and then sheepishly towards his cart. He knew that my wife was ready to kick his ass. He was only tough with a bunch of Rubbermaid totes separating himself from my wife. This man was an internet tough guy...in real life.

I'm sure he high-tailed it out of the store after buying a carton of Pall Malls.

I told my wife that she should have reported him to store management. She didn't think they'd do anything to him. She was probably right. Even if they kicked him out, he'd just cut off the mullet, and put on a different color tank top before coming back.

If you thought this was slightly funny, go check out my new post at scrivel.com. If this wasn't funny, then go check out the scrivel post, and let me know which is more unfunny.

THO turns 100....posts

2008-10-01T10:00:00.001-06:00

In honor of my 100th post, I'm considering breaking my diet, and getting a big plate of Mandarin Chicken and pork fried rice. It sounds so beautifully delicious. Alas...I'll probably end up at some crappy sandwich place getting turkey with no cheese or dressing...and wash it down with water. I can honestly say that I am less happy when eating healthy. There is a reason Santa Claus is jolly...he's fat.

Here is a short list of little-known facts about the author of this blog. While not all are funny, perhaps you may find some interesting and insightful.

-I have never been in an actual fight. When I was 11, a scuffle broke out between my older cousin and another guy at the mall. His cohort gave me a shove in the gut, and then we both turned back towards the fight. It was right outside the JC Penney, and an employee came and broke it up. I claimed for years that I "won" the fight.

-11 years ago, I was barefoot water-skiing. A particularly nasty crash at 42 mph had me tumbling through the water, when I heard a pop in my knee. I couldn't put weight on the knee for 3 weeks. Being young and stupid, I thought it would heal on its own. It did....9 months later. I couldn't play any sports, or exercise without pain. I still feel a little wince every now and again when I play basketball.

-I am a fairly decent piano player. With practice, I can play pieces by most composers...except Chopin.

-I have never been to the following states:
Hawaii, Mississippi, Alabama, Georgia, Florida, South Carolina, Tennessee, North Carolina, Maine, New Hampshire, Vermont.
Of all the cities I have visited or lived, Seattle was the prettiest and Philadelphia was the trashiest.

-The first girl I ever kissed was my cousin. In fact, she is not the only cousin I've kissed. Interestingly enough, they both kissed me. Am I bragging? I'm a freak!

-The first concert I ever attended was The Cure in 1989. It was terrible.

The best concert ever attended was Ben Folds Five in 1998 in a small club. (front row of about 200 people)
The worst concert ever attended was Crosby Stills and Nash in an outdoor venue in 1997. Crosby was sick, so Stills and Nash tried to keep the middle aged fans happy. What truly was making everyone happy was the marijuana smoke contact high.
The most I've paid for a concert was U2--Popmart tour--57 bucks. I could have listened to it on my radio with my brother's head in front of me for free and got the same effect.

-I have never received a ticket. In fact, I have only been pulled over 2 times in my life. Once for expired registration, and the other for driving the wrong way on a one-way. (don't ask)

-I am truly talented at Ping-Pong. As mediocre as I am in most things in my life, I excel at table tennis. Am I bragging again? I'm a total freak!!

-I have a voracious appetite for reading. I read books very quickly as I don't read individual sentences. I look at paragraphs as a whole, and "soak it all in" before moving to the next one. Dialogue makes that strategy kind of tough.
The problem with this, is that I don't remember much detail in many books I read. I've re-read 50-100 pages of books that I've already read until I figure out I know the ending to the story.

-Top 5 albums of all-time:

1-Radiohead - OK Computer
2-Foo Fighters - The Colour and the Shape
3-Smashing Pumpkins - Siamese Dream
4-Ben Folds Five - Whatever and ever Amen
5-Midnight Oil - Earth and Sun and Moon

Other bands receiving consideration (Coldplay, Muse, Johnny Cash, U2, Metallica, Nine Inch Nails, Pearl Jam, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Sum41)

-Movies that I absolutely hate:
The Cell
8MM
What dreams may come
Hitman
Lost in Translation

-I would not study electrical engineering again if I had a time machine, and was transported back to college.

-I voted for George Bush in 2000. I am comfortable with that decision.
I voted for George Bush in 2004. It was a terrible decision.

-At 17 years old, when I was just starting my senior year in High School, I weighed exactly 123 pounds. I gained 23 pounds that year. In the 10 years since I have been married, I have fluctuated between 158-177 pounds. Oddly enough, all the weight gain appears to be in my gut.

-I am an exception to the long-held belief that you can only marry + or - 2 levels of "hotness" from your level. I would consider myself a strong 5. My wife is a solid 9. This was told to me by a long-time friend. I wasn't sure if he was ripping on me, or hitting on my wife....either way, it probably wasn't good.

-If I was as tall as my brother (6'3"), I would be on the pro beach volleyball circuit.

-I hate Wal-mart with a passion. Oddly enough, I love Fred Meyer. I could peruse the aisles for hours. I cannot explain this. This seals the deal that I am a freak.

-And lastly.....I cheat at golf every time I play. Even when I go by myself.

Thanks for dropping in from time to time....I appreciate all 6 people who read my post.

Because there wasn't room anywhere else

2008-09-29T22:30:00.001-06:00

So...I've read that the cost to the average taxpayer for this "government bailout" would be about $7500 bucks. That's it??!!! If it will bring back my 401K from 25% down this year, then I'll write the check right now.

Since it didn't pass in Congress, I've been thinking of other things I can do with that $7500 until I get laid off in a bad economy:

I can get 2142 gallons of gas. This is 71 fill ups in my Suburban, which would take about 2.7 years to do....unless I purchase a big bite hot dog every time I fill up.

416 copies of the new book in the Twilight series. It would be a wonderful bonfire.

I could see the Dark Knight 833 times. Or I could see it 6 times if I got popcorn and a drink.

2500 Mcrib sandwiches. Whoops....too late...the Mcrib has already gone back into the vault.

My company gave me an enormous stack of business cards. If they knew that the sole purpose of these is to attempt to win free lunches at local restaurants...will they give me more when these are gone?

Why do people give me "odd" looks when they see my St. Ives lotion on my desk?? I have very dry hands, and enjoy the soothing hypo-allergenic formula for sensitive skin.

The amount of time before your sunglasses or broken or lost is inversely proportional to the amount you paid for them.

E! television has one of the funniest shows around. I know...it's the most ridiculous channel ever---but if you haven't seen The Soup, you're missing out. It is fantastic comedy.

If there are no "seat covers" in the restroom, you really only have 3 choices:
--Go home for a potty break.
--Devise a system of 13 ounces of toilet paper covering every solid surface.
--Sit directly onto the back of your foot, so that your heel is pushed into your crack. A friend told me that he did this before karate matches if the urge to go "number 2" happened. No wonder they wanted to "sweep the leg" against Daniel-san.

I hear the Mets and Yankees have been invited to the NIT tournament.

I've come up with a new weight loss method. Every time I sit on the toilet, I note the red line where my fat gut rests on my legs. If I'm doing things right, the line should be slowly making a northward march towards my crotch.

My next post will be my 100th...I'll try to give a few details about my life and personal quirks.

Raiders of the black mold

2008-09-26T08:30:00.001-06:00

All of the large refrigerators in our office complex have notices that "all food left in fridge will be thrown away on Friday."
This is true for all, except a little junior fridge that sits directly opposite my cubicle. This fridge is like King Tut's tomb. Nothing has been removed for ages.
It's held the exact same items for at least 9 months. (since I started this job)
From time to time I place my lunch in the fridge, and wonder if I could get sick if some of the older food items decided to perform a hostile takeover on my food.

Yesterday, I decided to look at the expiration date of some of the items in the fridge. What I found was sickening.
Multiple dairy items had expiration dates from early 2007. It's no wonder that I get sleepy and a little achy in the afternoons. Who knows what types of toxic fungi are living in the fridge?

To ensure that I did not throw out anyone's leftovers...I sent out a group e-mail to everyone in our little area.

Hi all,

I'm going to throw away all old food in the little fridge located near the meeting room this Friday. If any of the following items are yours, I'd come claim them before they get tossed:

Half-eaten strawberry/banana yogurt that expired in April 07.
Open pint of milk that was good until May 07. (vitamin D...it is now a solid)
Piece of old pizza wrapped in a wal-mart bag. It either has olives or mold on it...I can't tell. I think it bit me.
A turkey lean cuisine panini microwave dinner. (expiration date June 08. I think this was supposed to be frozen.)
Half a jug of half-and-half.
Mini box of toothpicks. (mint flavored)
Two 2 liters of Coke. These are opened and half gone, but the lids are on very tight, so there may be some carbonation left from last years Christmas party.
3 packets of Arby's sauce.
1 packet of New Hong Kong soy sauce.
Unopened peach yogurt. (Expired Nov 2007...take a chance??)
Container of 1000 Island dressing from McDonald's. (The hamburgler is wearing bell-bottoms on the front...so this dressing may be very old)
Tupperware container containing meatballs, and what appears to be rice. (I hope it's rice...I mean the rice isn't moving or anything)

Thanks,
The Hypocritical One

And wouldn't you know it....the panini has been claimed.
If any of you are interested in these items, it's local pickup only. The post office won't allow hazardous items to be shipped.

I wonder if I can get disability if I inhale toxic black mold???

I just wanted to mention something about OSU's big win over USC last night. ESPN ran the headline:

Beavers trap Trojans!!

or perhaps this one would have been better:

Beavers mangle Trojans by dirtying Sanchez!!

If you have other good ones...we try to keep it semi-clean for the kiddies here.

News you really need to peruse II

2008-09-24T11:00:00.001-06:00

Welcome to the second installment of weird news from Idaho. This is the news that wouldn't make the back cover of the "Life" section of a major newspaper.
If you missed the first installment, you can go check it out here.

I truly tried to get a picture of the first billboard you see when entering my town..but it was recently removed---It stated:
Voted "my towns" best steakhouse!!!
And yes...it is an advertisement for Sizzler.
I'd like to see their polling data. I don't think a 1 hour visit to the retirement home constitutes an accurate assessment. Did they ask for a show of hands? Or better yet, for the blue-hairs to not raise their hands if they wanted to vote for Sizzler??
I hear the Golden Corral wants a recount.
You'd think they'd put something that actually makes sense on the billboard..like:
Yes...those are tacos on our salad bar.
or
Sizzler--It's like Chuck-o-rama on steroids.

BLM and sportsmen to plant sagebrush in Idaho
They are planting 200 sagebrush seedlings in an effort to improve habitat for upland game birds. Huh?? Did Ted Bundy take his victims out to Ruth' Chris before killing them?? At least the game birds will be "living the good life" before a spray of lead shot obliterates their meager existence.
No word on why they just don't leave piles of bird food out and hide behind the bushes before unloading with their 20 gauge. Oh yeah...that's illegal, and probably unfair...as opposed to having decoys, bird calls, professionally trained hunting dogs, and 800 dollars of camo screens.

North Idaho woman claims hog-calling title
The article did not state what she actually called them. Rumors from the porcine underground, are that she used sensitively charged descriptions such as porker, slob, copper, and shoat-face. The NAACP (national association for advancement of captured pigs) has not issued a statement.

Idaho's out-of-state prison population grows
As more and more meth-heads and sheep-defilers are captured in Idaho, our prison's are becoming over-crowded. This has led to 10% of Idaho prisoners being held out of state.
The Director of Corrections says that moving prisoners out of state results in higher costs for Idaho, and causes an inconvenience for the families of inmates.
Translation:
Until gas prices come down, it's not worth it for the spouses to drive that far for "joint visitation" in the shag trailer.

Poison stops in Boise, gives $25 tip to server
Bret Michaels and crew stopped at the local Cracker Barrel for some waffles and something covered in gravy.
A member of the band gave the server a "Poison sticker" and stated that this was half her tip. On her bi-hourly smoke break, she realized that it would garner 5 dollars on eBay. This prompted her to drop Menthol ashes in their "sunrise samplers."
Later they left 25 dollars more.
It's a good thing they are "rock stars." If they truly think that the sticker is half the tip, math teacher probably wasn't in the cards for them.
The band was on their way to headline at the Eastern Idaho State Fair in Blackfoot. Big time indeed.
Reportedly, they opened their show with a new song entitled "My thing fell off," which is about Brett's sexual escapades in 2 seasons of "Rock of Love."

Open Letters

2008-09-22T13:00:00.000-06:00

Dear "Fat couple who comes and eats lunch together in the same parking lot as me,"

I truly appreciate that you two like to spend time together on your lunch break, but you need to stop coming to my parking lot.
Yes, I understand that it is a public parking lot, but I don't think you realize how annoying you are.
Let me explain:
I have been coming to this parking lot for months. I park in the shade of the same tree every day. I eat my lunch, and then read a book, listen to talk radio, or just take a small nap. Sometimes I catch up on my blogging.
I have my windows partially rolled down to enjoy some fresh air.

And then, you decide to park literally 30 yards from where I enjoy my lunch bliss.
At first, I thought it would be no big deal...that you'd get together for a nice lunch, and then leave me in peace.
But you're so loud...that I can't concentrate on my book, or keep my eyes closed. I tried to roll up my windows, but the sweat beads necessitate some air.

I'm so irritated with both of you, that your every move drives me up the wall.
I hate the way that you feed potato salad to each other.
I hate the way you wrestle with each other on the grass.
I hate the fact that the woman is always wearing sweats.
I hate your Keith Hernandez mustache.
I hate your little red cooler that you always use for lunch.
You must think you're so sly to get in the car, in order to "get frisky." The thought of your combined 390 pounds putting strain on the back seat of your Mercury Cougar is revolting.

ENOUGH. You must leave forever, and give me back my peaceful parking lot.
That is all,
THO.

Oddly enough, I received an open letter back.....

Dear "Creepy dude who watches us in his car at lunch,"

You scare us. Please leave us alone.
We come to this parking lot to have lunch, as we don't see each other much during the day.
But every time we're there....you're there....looking...watching...and who knows what else you do in your car.
I swear that you've tinted your windows a darker shade since we first saw you.
We can still see you reclined in your seat...watching us. I sure hope all your clothes are on.

We're ready to call 911 in case you ever decide to approach us. And don't try following us home, as we are card-carrying NRA members.
What kind of person goes and eats lunch by himself in a parking lot in his car?? Go eat at a restaurant. Go get some exercise at lunch.
The only way you could be creepier, is if you had a van with no rear windows.
I hope you realize that this is a neighborhood watch community. We've gone to all the neighbors to tell them to watch out for you and your tinted window Mazda Protege.

Do you sometimes have a laptop in there?? You truly are a pervert. I'm just glad this isn't near a school zone. You need to be locked up.
--SICKO!!

It's time for some change.....ing my oil.

2008-09-18T23:00:00.006-06:00

I have oil change guilt.

You know what I mean. When you look up at the sticker in the corner of your windshield, and notice that your oil change was due 4,000 miles ago.
In truth, I actually have old-school oil change guilt. Most new cars don't need the stickers. They have the guilt built directly into the car.

You'll be driving around, minding your own business, and your "message center" will let you know that your oil change is due. Oh yes, you ignore it for 30 seconds until it disappears, but it comes back every time you start your car, an unrelenting reminder that you don't care about the health of your automobile or the environment.

The "message center" in my wife's car has issues. Every time the car goes up or down a very steep hill or perhaps on a bumpy road, some random warning pops up. It's not subtle either. A giant red message telling you that your 4WD needs repair is like seeing the dead skunk in the road a second too late. You try to swerve, but no dice.

I'm sure I could take it to a repair guy and get the electronics exchanged for ~1300 dollars. That seems like money well spent...if they threw in a plasma TV.

Maybe the car's CPU needs a car therapist. I've heard of preachers in the south casting demons out of cars...why can't one talk to it for a while??
Maybe I can get the On-star people to talk to the CPU directly. I'd pay 16 bucks a month for that service...

"Hi, this is On-star, what seems to be the problem?"

"I'm feeling hostility towards my owners."

"Did they touch you inappropriately on your undercarriage?"

"How did you know?? And they always take a long time when soaping me...like they enjoy it."

"Tell me about your relationship with your Mother..."

"I don't remember my Mother...she was totaled when I was young. I do remember a bobble-head crown in her dash though...."

If therapy doesn't work, tapping the display always seems to help. I don't mean that it fixes the problem, but it helps my inner frustration.

I think I understand the roots of "the tap" or "the kick." You know what I'm talking about...where a white line pops up on an old TV, so you hit the side until it goes away.
Perhaps you have a lawn-mower that won't start, so you give it a good kick.

This is because of the presence of mechanical connections in these items, that sometimes need a good "shaking up."

Unfortunately, our bodies are hard-wired to continue this practice when it really does no good.
Is your LCD monitor blinking? Why not hit it?

Is the "self-checkout" computer at Wal-mart frozen? Try tapping the screen until it responds. I've heard that by issuing more commands to a frozen computer, you may fix the problem. duh.

Are your kids talking back to you? Why not hit.....I'm just kidding.

So, I decide to heed the warning of the little Jiffy Lube sticker, and head over on a Saturday afternoon.
Some of you may think me foolish for not changing my own oil, but methinks you underestimate what this process entails for me. How long would it take me to change the oil? 10 minutes? Yeah right. I only have like 3 wrenches...Where's my car jacks?...I forgot a filter...Time for lunch for the kids...spraying the f-word as oil drips in your mouth...etc.

These reasons above are worth the fee for the Jiffy Lube dudes to take care of it for me. In addition, they wash my windows, vacuum out leftover french fries from under the seats, and spray boysenberry delight air freshener when they're finished. Plus they deliver my car "valet-style" when they're finished. I'm cool like that.

I digress.

I pull my car into the oil change bay and head to the Jiffy Lube waiting room.
These waiting rooms are standard issue across the country:

-First and foremost, there must be an old-fashioned popcorn maker. This machine only needs to be cleaned once a year, and it's known that 26% of people that reach in, leave germs on random kernels.
You know, I think every car tire place I've visited also has popcorn. Do all mechanic's like popcorn? Why the stereotype? I'd contact the NAACP.

-Next, there must the same blown up newspaper article from the USA Today on the wall, that states how important regular oil changes are to fuel economy and the health of your car. If you look closely, you will see that this article is from 1996, and was an advertisement that Jiffy Lube took out in the paper.

-They next have the option of free coffee, a soda machine, or both. After 45 minutes of waiting for your car, it'll be the best 1.25 can of Dr. Thunder you'll ever have.

-Not to be forgotten are the myriads of newspapers, magazines, and 'big nickel" classifieds from 2 years ago. Who doesn't want to read about Terrell Owens wanting to leave the Eagles.

-And lastly is the community bathroom. This is also used by the employees, which is evidenced by black goo film covering every solid surface. The odds that there are actually paper towels in the bathroom, are 37%. That's practically Russian roulette.

So, I grab a bag of RSV popcorn, and survey the seating situation. There is an old guy with a little cocker spaniel sitting across the room from an elderly lady eating some SARS popcorn of her own. I pick a seat in between the two and grab the June 2003 issue of US weekly.

I wait nervously as I know what is about to come---There are only 3 certainties in this world; Death, taxes, and that the Jiffy Lube guy will come harp you to change your air filter. It doesn't matter if I bought one the last time I was in, he'll always come bother me. The conversation usually goes like this:

Jiffy dude: Mr. Hypocritical, we recommend replacing your air filter on a regular basis. For only 9.99 we can replace it.
Me: Is it that bad?
JD: Well, any air flow restriction will cause poor gas mileage, and inefficiencies in your car.
Me: Is it that bad?
JD: Generally, if you can't see light coming through the filter, it needs to be replaced.
Me: Is it that bad?
JD: (Seeing that his normal sales strategy won't work on me) Well, (looking at the outpouring of light coming through the filter) it will probably be OK until next oil change.
Me: (retreating quickly)
JD: Oh, and we noticed that the manufacturer suggests a transmission service, at 50,000 miles, and...

It's about this time that I stop paying attention. I don't even understand what most car guts do, so why do I need to get them serviced every 15,000 miles? How do I know if they even do anything? What's involved in a fuel system cleaning service? Is this something I can buy in Wal-mart and put in my gas?

I then politely decline all services knowing that I will pass all my car problems onto the person who buys my car in 3 years.

I'm almost finished with my "service" when the little old lady sitting near me decides to start feeding her popcorn to the other gentleman's dog without saying a word to the old dude. Is this kosher? It's not like feeding the ducks at the pond.
She gave that damn dog half the bag without the old man saying one word. The whole experience was ridiculously awkward...I almost went outside to "fake a smoke," just to get away. God knows I couldn't go in the restroom.

The old guy's car was finished, and they both got up together and went to his car and left....

So, I'm not sure which is more odd? The off-chance that she could have been a stranger, and fed another stranger's dog without asking, or the fact that they know each other, and decided to sit on completely different sides of the Jiffy Lube waiting room without saying boo to one another.

I don't know...but I gotta go...my low coolant light is on.

On my Honor

2008-09-17T11:00:00.000-06:00

Many of the most frightening and favorite moments from my childhood are from my time spent in the Boy scouts. (no...this is not a tell-all experience like "Canteen boy.")
I was a member of a large Boy Scout troop that took regular camping trips in the summer. I can attribute my knowledge of the square knot and pyromania to the Scouts.
Unfortunately, I still cannot correctly identify poison ivy, use a compass, or accurately pick out any stars besides the North star and the big dipper.

I remember one camping trip in detail as it opened my eyes to the cruelty of teenage boys, and what Scouts will do when "unsupervised."

At 13 years old, I was one of the "older" boys in my group. (patrol) When I say older, I mean the the others were 12....so big whoop. I was still at least 18 months from seeing the first signs of hair anywhere on my body besides my head and this long stringy hair emanating from my Adam's apple.
As it was, we had a group of "older" boys, and we kind of ran the show. We had been on a week-long camp out the year before, and knew the ropes.

We traveled to a small area in the forest in our state. This camping spot was beautiful. The elevation was roughly 7,000 feet, there were small lakes and streams nearby for fishing, and it was heavily wooded. Even though it was July, we saw 75 degrees one day, snow the next, and 6 inches of rain later in the week.

Our free time was spent hiking, fishing, and just goofing off. We had adult leaders at the camp, but they were content napping, resting, or hanging out by the fire. By the end of the week, it felt like Lord of the flies as we had our run of the place.

There was a younger boy who always seemed to be the butt of the jokes. His name was Mark. His "friends" that were his age (12 yrs old) were constantly picking on him....and I don't mean light-hearted teasing. I mean the kind of mean-spirited teasing that would cause a parent to wring a neighbor kids neck. And unfortunately, it never ceased. There was one bully in particular who was worse than the others. (Matt)

One afternoon, Mark was sitting on a tree stump near the fire, whittling a stick with his pocketknife. He was not wearing shoes as they had gotten wet the previous day. They were drying out in the sun. As Mark whittled, I noticed the group of "bullies" approaching from his rear.

The area in which we were camping was "free range" land, which meant that we'd see cattle from time to time. As the group of bullies neared Mark, I noticed that Matt had grabbed a semi-stale "cow pie" from the ground, and was holding it menacingly as they crept up behind Mark.
What happened next played out just like a movie. Time slowed to a crawl, and my "spidey" senses went on full alert. An older boy named Spencer and I saw what was about to transpire.

We ran towards the group, screaming for them to stop...trying to warn Mark of the impending doom. We were too late.
Unprovoked, Matt slammed the semi-stale cow pie directly onto Matt's head as he turned towards the group.

Then Mark turned up the rage.

His eyes turned towards his pocketknife, and he turned it over in his hand so that the blade faced downward from his clenched fist.
Matt noticed that the joke was not being received as well as he had hoped, and started to retreat.
Mark leaped from his tree stump, and tore off towards Matt. Initially, Matt thought Mark was playing around, and didn't react quickly. As Mark neared to within striking distance with his blade, Matt realized that the situation had taken a nasty turn.

And then the chase was on.

Matt streaked towards the cover of the trees, darting back and forth between pines as fast as he could. Mark was not far behind, running only in a pair of dark socks...oblivious to any pain from broken tree branches and rocks.
Spencer and I ran after Mark in hopes to diffuse the situation. We quickly gained on him, and ran near him, attempting to coax the blade from his hands.
Mark knew that in socks, he wouldn't be able to catch his crap-chucking bully. He started to relent in his chase, and stood there contemplating his next move.

And then the rage began to subside.

He realized what he was about to do, and handed us the knife. We walked back towards camp, and sat down to collect our thoughts. It was obvious that our leaders were not present, nor had any clue of what had just transpired.

30 minutes later, Matt rolled back into camp. He kept his distance, until he realized that his life was in no imminent danger. In fact, we all laughed about the situation when he came back to apologize.

Now, I don't condone violence in most situations...especially with a weapon. But mark my words---Mark was never teased again by Matt. Perhaps knowing that he could go "Sweeney Todd" at any moment was a motivator to get along amicably.

If you'll excuse me, I'm going to go practice the clove hitch.

Picture this

2008-09-16T05:30:00.000-06:00

What to do when stuck in a large meeting that is for informational purposes only???
Take notes??
Catch up on e-mail??
Close eyes for 2 hours?

Or this.....

Now...if you don't mind...I'm going to go vote for myself at humor-blogs.

Battle of the Bands

2008-09-12T10:00:00.002-06:00

The last battle of the bands I saw, was in High School.
I remember the 1st band played "Friday I'm in love" by the Cure, and then "Jeremy" by PearlJam.
The second band played "Brown eyed girl" by Van Morrison, and then "Cat's in the cradle" by Harry Chapin/Cat Stevens/Ugly kid joe.

As I believe its utterly impossible to imitate Robert Smith or Eddie Vedder, the first band bombed....literally. People started throwing stuff at them. Their set ended with "Jeremy spoke in...class......@#$# you," as they dodged donut holes.

I'm resurrecting my High School experience with:

The Youtube battle of the bands.

I haven't laughed this hard in a while. Please watch both competitors, and vote for the winner at the bottom of the post.

Today's first competitor is a band singing "I wanna love you tender." As I cannot pronounce the name of the band, I will leave that for you to decide.
Watch away...and stay till the end...it's definitely worth it.

Our second competitor is Jan Teri singing "Losing you."
Yet again...be patient for the whole thing...United 7.

And to wash away the horse-crap from your musical palette, I give you one of my favorite songs by one of my favorite bands.

What's in a name??

2008-09-11T05:30:00.002-06:00

School is rough for teenagers. I know it was for me.
There is pressure from parents to get good grades, pick good friends, and for kids to "keep their noses clean."
There is pressure at school. You always want to maintain a certain "image," try to impress others, and fit in (generally) with a group of kids.
Unfortunately, many kids have things going against them. I am a prime example.

Braces. I had braces before braces existed. Mine were called "bands" and had roughly a nickel's worth of metal wrapped around every tooth in my mouth. I looked like "Flava flav gone platinum."
I still remember my orthodontist--Dr. Noles. We called him "hairy hands." Why was that?? Because this was before rubber gloves were "all the rage." Nothing like a good pair of strong hairy Jewish hands in your mouth.
Oh yeah...did I mention they wanted me to wear headgear?? No dice.

Zits. Why would God create such a thing? Giant swollen pustules of infection plastered across the face like stars flooding the sky on a cool wintry Montana eve.
I had a friend who used urine on his face as he was told that it was the best thing to get rid of acne. I never asked him if it was his own.

Late Bloomer. If there's one thing that I would change in my life, it would be to start getting pubic hair in 7th instead of 9th grade.
All through gym class in 8th grade, we had a coach that would ENSURE that all kids took a shower. This was no easy task. First you try to either be first or last to the showers. Then you threw your towel on the hook, and ran to the nearest shower, ensuring that only your rear end was visible to others. Violently wash your hair, and side-step back to your towel. The whole process took no more than 26 seconds.
The only 2 boys who were embarrassed to shower was myself, and a guy called "Captain hook."

Puberty in general. Your body is in a state of shock and awe for 4-5 years. You literally have no control over things you say and do. Why on this green earth would a 10th grader think that mooning a girl would impress them?? Don't ask me....I still don't know.

What is the purpose of armpit hair anyway??

As a parent, you want your kids to succeed, and be happy. Or do you??

If you truly want to make life easier for your kid, then why the hell do you give your kids such awful names?
You know what I'm talking about. For some reason, naming kids something "different" has become "cute" or "trendy." Gone are the days when you gave a kids a nice solid name....like James, or perhaps Jenny.

It's almost like everybody is trying to "one up" the Jones's and come up with something that has never been done before.
I've seen this before on TV...it was a show called "Jackass" where each of the cast members would try to injure themselves in a more grandiose way than the others. There was a reason it was called Jackass.
This is the parental equivalent. "Jackass naming."

Before I get into too much detail, let me attempt to understand the counter-arguments.
"It's cute," or "It's original," or "We love that name."
Dirty Sanchez is also original.

I hope you think it's cute when your son legally changes his name the day he turns 18. Nobody---nobody loves the name Gulliver.
You may have people tell you that they think naming your daughter Nali is adorable. They are blatantly lying to your face. They think you are ridiculous.

It's not easy to deal with a crappy name.
I can't tell you how many times Dusty Ricks was called Rusty Dicks in high school. Perhaps 3 million times a year. This is not a made up name.

To help those that still care about their unborn children, and may want to give them a fighting chance at happiness, I have prepared sanctioned and un-sanctioned naming categories.

Sanctioned names. (These are all OK)

Popular names of the day:
It's OK if you want to name your son Jacob, Andrew or Ethan. Your daughter will be fine with Emily, Madison, or Olivia. These are very popular names, and work fine. Your kid may be termed Abigail #5 in their 3rd grade class, but feel comfortable with one of these picks.

Ancestor names:
This is where you have free reign to feel good about a creepy name. If your great-grandfather was named Huey, good on you for naming your kid after a duck. Perhaps a bully wants to taunt a kid for his name. There is no better come-back than, "It's my grandfathers name. He was killed in WW2."

Bible names:
Good ones--Matthew, John, Paul.
Not-so-good-ones--Cain, Ham.

Last names:
Once thought to be taboo, last names for first names are now chic.
Carter, Raymond, Marshall...etc.

Non-sanctioned names. (Please don't do this)

Foreign names:
Unless you were born on foreign soil, you have no right to give your child a foreign name. Claude and Armand are names of half-dressed men gracing the cover of a romance novel.
Go ahead and name your kid Achilles. You've just sealed his fate to a hairy back.

Names of yesteryear:
Just because Mildred, Gladys, and Harold were among the most popular names in 1913, do not assume that they still are.
You may want to "bring it back" to popularity, but let me set you straight...unless your daughter Florence is what some consider a "sure thing" at prom...try again. (Exception for the "ancestor rule"--see above.)

Stripper names:
Ginger, Bambi, Bubbles, Bunny, Cinnamon. These are just a few examples. When you dream of your little girl's name in lights, you don't want it to be followed by the phrase: 2 drink cover.

Homonym Heaven:
While not a literal homonym, the same concept applies.
Let's take a very popular girl name from 2007--Madison. Please don't name your child any of the following:
Mattyson, Mhadyson, Maddisnguyen, Madisonn, Maddisunn, Madysun, etc. The list could go on for years. Changing the spelling of the name does not mean it's cute. It means you're a buffoon. If you want to make creative names, join a fantasy football league.

Celebrity names:
This is a grey area. Some celebrity names are popular. Others (like Woody) are not.
If you really really like Salman Rushdie, why not knit a pot-holder with his name. Please don't name your child after him.

Play on words:
Please don't name your child Richard. Any name that can be referred to as genitalia is bad.
Any name that rhymes with genitalia, or that can be used in a poem with a curse word is also bad. (see Horatio, Chuck)

Hybrid names:
You really like the name Daniel. You also really like the name Christopher. You can't decide...you are torn...so what do you do??
You combine them and name your kid Dantopher. I hope he has fun in the Audio/Visual club in high school.
Now, if you give birth to a hermaphrodite, Ralphina is acceptable.

What the Hell?:
Sometimes, human depravity displays itself in raw power.
Take David Duchovny and Tea Leoni. They named their son Kyd. I guess "You" was out of the picture?
Chris Martin and Gwyneth Paltrow know who the "Apple" of their eye is.
Sylvester Stallone thought long and hard about "Sage Moonblood."
Sarah Palin showed that the air is a little thin in Alaska when naming her brood: Piper, Willow, Bristol, Track, and Trig.

I personally know people who've named their kids:
Stone and Slate. (same family)
Devontai. (completely made up)
Khanhor. (pronunciation of this is impossible.)

This is not the dark ages, and creativity and freedom should be embraced. But PLEASE, embrace it upon yourself.
Take Chad Johnson for example--He has legally changed his surname to "Ocho Cinco."
If you truly desire to express yourself, don't pass the burden onto your kids.
Gotta go.

Signed,
Rick Horatio

The real Mac attack

2008-09-09T10:00:00.001-06:00

Along with yesterday's post that documents my foray into the realm of the undead, I also like to write a little humor. I have a new post out today at scrivel.com.
Please go here and take a quick look....it's well under 500 words, and has 3 pictures. You could almost qualify it as a picture-book post.

Screw the John McCain catch-phrase---Don Gorske is the real mac attack.

For those who haven't seen "super-size me," he is the crazy dude who has eaten thousands of Big Mac's over the course of decades. He even has a Guinness record for it. He also wants to look like Ringo Starr in the 60's.

This picture above is out of date. He recently crossed the 23,000 mark for Big Macs ingested.
He says he usually eats 2 or so Big Macs per day. At 54 years old, and by my rough calculations, he'll have eaten another 19,000 or so Big Macs by the time he's 80. This will give him a grand total of 42,000 Big Macs. Using more fuzzy math, I calculated some other totals he'll have by the time he's 80.

126,000 buns. (remember the sludgy one in the middle)
84,000 cat patties.
1575 pounds of secret sauce. (if you ask me, this isn't enough...that secret sauce is delicious)
This translates to roughly 1,218,000 grams of fat.
Also 1,050,000 grams of protein.
168,000 bouts of violent diarrhea.
359 large bottles of Tums. (fruity flavored)
9,320 people who took his order that are now on welfare.
1,530 cockroaches ground into the patties.
15 pounds of rat crap.
39 human fingernails.
6 pounds of human hair.

Notable is the fact that he's healthy, and has low cholesterol. I look at a Big Mac, and my fat ass giggles and jiggles in delight at the new girth it will soon enjoy.

Here's to you Don Gorske...your colon wishes you would rot in hell.