Friday, June 19, 2009

Pick your friends wisely

Me: Hello Dr.
Dr Spitzer: Hello Matt. It's been a while since your last visit.
Me: I know. I've been busy.
Dr: With what? I haven't noticed any change in you daily schedule.
Me: Huh? Is that you parked in the green Camry every evening by my house?
Dr: Ahem...Let's move on, and discuss your problems.

Me: Fine. I had another "episode" at work.
Dr: Did this one involve an ice cream cone, handcuffs, and a shaved cat like the other episode?
Me: Huh?
Dr: Whoops sorry...that is Ruth Jones. Whoops...so much for Dr-Patient confidentiality.

Me: Anyhow, let me explain.
Me: I was sitting at my desk doing my daily work, when I was visited by a co-worker. A little chit-chat ensued, and I saw the conversation nearing an end. He then reached down and grabbed a pair of tweezers from my desk---
Dr: Excuse me? Why do you have tweezers at your desk? Are you a eyebrow plucker or shaver?
Me: These are not normal tweezers. They have a very fine point, and are used when I'm in the lab, and need to move something very small under a microscope.
Dr: And...
Me: Huh?
Dr: Do you clean your teeth with them?
Me: What? That's gross.....although sometimes I pick at my fingernails with them.
Dr: Okay Quasimodo...that's much less disgusting.

Me: So, he grabbed the tweezers, and walked out of my cube. I was slightly dumbfounded, and just sat there for a minute. He returned a minute later, and said "Finished!"
Dr: Finished with what?
Me: He proceeded to tell me that was able to pluck his gray hairs by his ears with "pinpoint accuracy."


Dr: Impressive.
Me: No...No...Not impressive. Disgusting! My lab/fingernail tweezers were just used as a grooming tool for a stranger.
Dr: I'm not sure why you're so upset.
Me: I'm not finished.

Me: He then notices my earphones connected to my Mp3 player. They are the kind with removable squishy ear buds at the end. He asks if they have good sound quality, and I answered in the affirmative. He then proceeds to grab them, and stick them in his ears, and asks for a demo....like I'm running a second-hand Best-buy or something.
Dr: So...what did you do? Did you get upset? Did you ask him to put the earphones down?
Me: Not exactly.
Dr: What exactly.
Me: I turned on some music.


Dr: You are an enabler. He is obviously someone who has no issues invading personal space or possessions, and you just fed the beast.
Me: I was flabbergasted. I froze. I felt like I was 14 at a church youth dance, and Cami Dyer came up and asked me to slow dance. I didn't say anything...i just froze.
Dr: So what are you going to do?
Me: It's already done. I threw away the ear bud attachments and the tweezers.
Dr: Why didn't you just clean them off?
Me: There isn't enough rubbing alcohol in the world to cleanse the mental images. Those items are dead to me.

Me: In fact, at that point I wouldn't have been surprised if he stuck his hand down my pants and asked why I preferred boxers over briefs?
Dr: Did you want him to stick his hand down your pants?
Me: No!! I'm just saying that I was frozen, and felt "possession-raped."
Dr: Calm down mister...those are strong words...I should know. Here are my suggestions. Get a shiny marble, and cover it in pepper spray or mace. Leave it on your desk, and then when he returns, tell him that it is a "flavor-ball" direct from India. He'll pop that cleary into his mouth, and the hilarity will ensue.
Me: That sounds like a terrible thing to do.
Dr: Yes it does. And that suggestion is free...as a friend.

Me: Now, about your nightly voyeur habits....

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