This is a post I wrote for another site. Since its publishing, more superheroes have been added to the team. We like to call ourselves the Scavengers. (pronounced skah ven' gers. Don't forget the emphasis.)
In the past few years, the media has brought to the fore-front of discussion, the idea of an "evolutionary step" in the chain of humanity. This "step" has led to everyday people displaying physical and mental attributes like none could have dreamed. Shows like "Heroes" and movies like "X-Men" have people wondering…what if? (I on the other hand, wondered "what if" that blue makeup were to be smeared off Rebecca Romijn…I digress)
At great risk to myself and my family, I believe it's time to come out of the closet. (no…not that) I have decided to tell the world that like Hugh Jackman, I have a super-power. But unlike Hugh Jackman, women (and some men) do not go gaga when I'm not wearing a shirt.
Much like the spider biting Peter Parker, I also had an experience that triggered my "development."
I was cleaning up the dishes after dinner (as I always do) and putting away the leftovers in Tupperware containers. I reached into the cabinet holding the superfluity of containers, and randomly pulled out a few. I scooped out the contents of chicken, pasta, and potatoes. I looked back upon my work, and noticed a strange phenomenon…..that every container was filled EXACTLY to the top. Not an inch was wasted in any container…not a drop left in any pan.
Chalking it up to luck, I attempted the same feat the following night, with resounding success. I watched my skills continue to be honed and perfected with each passing day. No item of food has ever been wasted, no space in the fridge has been "tied up" with "far-too-large" containers…no food has ever needed to be thrown away. It is an amazing sight to behold.
As my father once told me, "With great power, comes great responsibility." So, "The Brimmer" (as I am known in the superhero community) and the "Legion of Justice" will fight to eradicate the world of evil. Below are my fellow fighters:
"Eye-sight"---Is able to tell if an item hanging on the wall is level with no assistance from mechanical tools or laser sights.
"The Judge"---Can tell within 5 miles when he is going to run out of gas. Fill-ups are few and far between for this hero.
"Squeeze Play"---Can literally get at least 10 more uses from a roll of toothpaste that has been thrown away by the average citizen.
"The Alternator"---Has never been beaten in creating a checkerboard pattern on a rubix cube. The speed and agility of his hands is amazing.
"Major Boredom"---Can literally talk about himself for 90 minutes straight. Any attempt to interject or add to the conversation only fuels his desire to continue ranting. Beware.
"The Weasel"---Pays for his own lunch roughly 14% of the time. Will always be conveniently missing when the time to pay arises.
"The Poker"---Can type roughly 70 words per minute while only using his 2 pointy fingers. Fingers of steel.
"Slip and Slide"---Will see actual evidence of his food in the toilet less than 1 hour after eating. You will be regaled with tales of beans, corn, and whole pieces of lettuce.
"Hammer-down"---Can punch a nail into a 2X4 with one hit most of the time. Watch for flying nails upon mis-hits
And our technology assistant is "The Programmer" who---while being dominantly right-handed---can maneuver a mouse with his left hand with surprising ease. (although it's been strongly suspected that this has come more out of practice and necessity than actual gift-his right hand is generally tied up.)
And while we are interested in ridding the world of evil, we're focused a little more on how to market our powers into a movie. With the onslaught of super-hero movies on the docket this summer, you'd have to think we'd do at least as good as a Wayans brothers movie. Gotta go, I just got a call from a buddy who ran out of gas and needs a ride.