Monday, April 27, 2009

Swine Flu

I mean swine floo....

Friday, April 24, 2009

Danny MacAskill

I hate people who just post Youtube videos on their site, but this one is too good to pass up.

It's not funny at all, but one of the most amazing things I've ever seen. Well worth the 5 minutes, especially what he does at 3:10.

This is the coolest thing from Scotland since bagpipes.


Friday, April 17, 2009

Clash of the Cretins

Dr Spitzer: Hello Matt. Please sit down. Can I get you some coffee?
Me: No thank you.
Dr: So, what's on your mind?
Me: Well, I had a terribly disgusting experience at work, and having nightmares about it.
Dr: Oh...I see. Is this the one with the janitor, and the urinal cakes--
Me: Can we please not talk about that anymore?
Dr: Yes..I'm sorry. Go on.

Me: You see, there is this guy I work with who comes over to my cube on a regular basis to chat.
Dr: You do realize this is healthy behavior...talking with co-workers.
Me: I haven't finished my story yet.
Dr: Oh...I thought that was the end. Go on.
Me: Well, yesterday he was sitting in my cube discussing something mundane, when in mid-sentence he hawked a loogie.
Dr: What was he trying to sell you?
Me: No..he hawked a loogie. You know...he snorted some mucus.
Dr: Don't you mean loagie?
Me: No...I think it's called a loogie.
Dr: Really? I have always called it a loagie. Maybe I'm getting it confused with a large sandwich. In fact, that's probably what they call a mucus hoagie---a loagie? Lol.
Me: Are you finished?

Dr: Go on, but I don't see the problem in pulling a little nasal snort in public. Many people do.
Me: I don't think you understand the depth of this snort. He was in the middle of his sentence and then paused. He gave a short blank stare, like he was pondering his situation, and then he dug down to the depths of his soul for this mucus ball. In fact, I've never seen a human being look so introspective while producing mucus. It was like he was performing some act of contrition.
Dr: So, we've established that he's fairly disgusting. Let it go.
Me: I haven't gotten to the worst part yet.
Dr: I apologize. By the way, if you start using that loagie joke, make sure you give me the credit.
Me: Sure. Anyhow, after stopping mid-sentence to visit the inner reaches of his nasal cavity, the unthinkable happened.
Dr: He pulled out a multi-pack of urinal cakes??
Me: I told you to drop that! No, he hawked this loogie, and it obviously ended up in his mouth.
Dr: How do you know?
Me: Let me repeat--Mid-sentence--Snort--Pause--and then....he started chewing on something. It was like some foreign object had entered his mouth, and his tongue was exploring the surface.
Dr: I'm riveted and disgusted at the same when I get into the shower, and--
Me: Dr!! Please!
Dr: Sorry.
Me: So, he is obviously unsure about how to deal with this fleshy goo in his mouth.
Dr: And...
Me: 3 chews, and a swallow.
Dr: What!?
Me: He just swallowed the little bastard, grabbed his coffee, and washed down the particulates and stragglers.
Dr: Right in front of you?
Me: Not only that, but then continued his sentence like none of this ever happened. I would have been less shocked had he pissed his pants. So I'm attempting to listen to his sentence, but I'm really just wondering if that's the mouth he kisses his momma with.
Dr: What would have him do? Spit it out?
Me: Yes!! His body was trying to expel the mucus, and he didn't follow through with the job.
Dr: This is truly a horrible experience. What can I do to ease your pain? Drugs?
Me: Sure...can I just get the combo pack again?
Dr: Done. My receptionist will have your prescription available at the front desk.
Me: Thanks Doc. I appreciate it.
Dr: Also, you forgot to pay for your last visit.
Me: You had me listen to Abba music for 30 minutes while you took a nap!
Dr: I love that Dancing Queen.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Tea Party Update

I haven't seen so much talk about tea-bagging since I last watched "Oz."

And that's how we garner our PG-13 rating.....

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