Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Things I never told anyone--episode 5

I believe that many of my current issues can be traced back to my childhood. I'd write a book of weird childhood experiences, but am certain that I'd be sued for defamation.
My elementary school years were spent every day with my best friend. (we'll call him Joe)
We spent every day together playing in the fields near our houses. We built forts, caught fish, and shot birds with a BB gun. I'd leave in the morning, and wouldn't return home until dinner. I'm surprised my Mom allowed it. Times must have been different then.

If my kids leave the premises of my property, my internal "psycho" dad alarm goes off, and my over-protective Dad genes take control. I'm on the ready, like John Matrix in Commando to do whatever it takes to protect my children.

One afternoon, Joe and I went on a search for his Christmas presents in his parents home. We searched through the garage and house until our journey led us to his Mom's closet. He stood on the chair and pulled down a large stack of boxes. We found old keepsakes, boxes of scarves, and were about to move on to the next hiding spot...until we came to the last small box.

I went out of the room to ensure that nobody was around to catch us in the act. Feeling comfortable that we would not be caught looking at the new GI Joe or Lego set, I went back into the room.

Joe had opened the box, and was examining its contents. Unfortunately, it was not a toy. Well, that is incorrect. It was not a toy that we were interested in...but I'll be damned, it sure was a toy.
(Note to readers. I was a VERY innocent boy raised in a religious household. I was slow on the "perversion" curve. In my defense, I have caught up, and surpassed most others since this point. My mom would be disgusted.)

Joe reached out of the box, and pulled out what I could only describe then as the handle of a light saber. Other pieces were in the box, and obviously attached to the light saber like some sort of transformer. (Boom...I just coined "prior art" on any future adult toy that might be called "Rodimus prime." If you see this in the future, let me know, and I'm suing.)
The wife saber actually looked like Hellraiser had designed a new line of cat toys made out of silicone....spiky balls, dangly things, extensions.

In my defense, I didn't touch any of the box's contents.

We moved on looking for the Christmas toys as this was obviously not our ultimate destination.

Needless to say, some things should be kept in the gun safe.

And please...for the sake of the children, lets keep the comments PG-13. Remember the children!!


Shawn said...

Oh man. I can only imagine your reaction (and particularly Joe's) when you were old enough to learn what that toy was and remembered back to that day.

Gary ("Old Dude") said...

best then you not check out Dana's "life is good" blog, it comes with a video------I suppose you could call it PG---but ----anyway we put these kind of discoveries under the label of "growing up"---maybe thats a poor choice of words---gonna go lay down now.

Prefers Her Fantasy Life said...

I'm in favor of teaching boys early that women have needs too.

Jenn Thorson said...

Ah, Matt- So tell me-- when exactly did it hit you what it was you had seen? :)

Mike said...

Did you guys wonder why it smelled like spoiled tuna?

Matt said...

Shawn--if only his mom didn't weight a cool 260.

Gary--nice choice of words.

Prefers--Yeah...I am too, but in 2nd grade, it should be to "not hit" and "be nice."

Jenn--Many....many years later. The odd thing, is that it is one of the moments that I recall most clearly from my childhood.

Mike--I knew there would be a tuna joke coming.

Diesel said...

Rodimus Prime! Awesome!

Just as long as he doesn't turn into a truck while he's, you know, at work.

Alex L said...

Whoa... Joes mum, nice!

Anonymous said...

You allow your children to read your blog? Hmmm. Well, I guess you can always have Meg explain about women having needs too. ;)

Father Muskrat said...

Was it an autobot or decepticon?

Steph said...

In the spirit of your post...
Have you ever seen this BRILLIANT Ikea commercial? I roll over laughing even though I have seen it 100x!

Staci said...

That reminds me of that scene in Parenthood where the kid found a saber, only Steve Martin or whichever adult it was called it an ear cleaner or something to that effect.

I hope your friend didn't want to have a sword fight with it. I don't think that's what they meant by "use the force, Luke. Use the force."

ettarose said...

Can you imagine if you two innocent boys had taken that down stairs to play cops and robbers? Someone's mom would have had a heart attack. Oh my God, my word verification is "mompie" I swear! Now I am totally LMAO.

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