Friday, March 27, 2009

A spring break complete with banana hands

I was lying in bed the other night, and a great idea for a book popped into my head. Actually this is not correct. At first I believed it was a great idea, but it quickly unraveled into one of the many movie plots I've seen in the past.
The premise was about a group of scientists who experimented on humans to increase their 5 senses. Blah Blah Blah...lots of other boring plot, and I was about to abandon the idea when the title "Common Sense" came to me. I liked the title so much that I may still visit the idea. Is a book idea worth pursuing for a title alone?
I was excited thinking of the topic at first, but most of the plot-line led into "food tasting really good," and "sex being really good." (even for women)
Maybe I'll write it and submit it to Penthouse letters instead.

Why is it, that weight gain occurs everywhere on your body except your wang? In fact, the theory of relativity states that it will look smaller and smaller as you get larger. Why is nature so cruel?

Speaking of weight gain, I think I may have issues, as I compare everything to food.
Coworker: Did you like Slumdog Millionaire?
Me: Yes. It is like that great Mexican place that everybody visits, but is still really cheap.
Coworker: ???

Friend: How are your March Madness brackets going?
Me: Like a Taco Bell Nachos Supreme without the cheese.
Friend: ???

Wife: Are you coming to bed?
Me: Do I need a reservation, because I have a 2-for-1 coupon for the all-you-can-eat buffet.
Wife: Is this another one of your creepy ways to ask for sex?
Me: Is it working?
Wife: Does it look like it?

I believe that you'll be seeing much less of me around here in the future.
I have plenty of stuff to write about, but sometimes I feel like a slave to the schedule. I'll be the first to admit that I like people reading my blog, and appreciate the time you take out of your schedule to do so. Unfortunately, if I post once or twice in a 4 week period, there won't be many people left to come and visit. I usually don't visit a blog that doesn't update their content regularly. I just subscribe to their feed. The same will happen here.

My inner Tony Robbins has told me that "I own my blog," not the other way around. Posting less regularly will show my blog that I am the boss...even if it does mean that I will lose a lot of traffic and visitors.

Here's the kicker about the spawn of this blog. It was born from the afterbirth of ridicule.

I was unfamiliar with the blogosphere until last Spring. After catching wind of all these "Mommy blogs" who posted pictures of their house, children and dog, I had a field day. Why would someone want to post this private information on their blog? I will know when you are out of town, what color you changed your hair to, when your kids have puked, etc.

There are blogs about cats, horses, Dungeons and Dragons, Pinoy scams, Lottery numbers, Sexual positions, and thousands of other items. Why couldn't I write a little bit of humor on a blog?

My grammar skills have always bordered upon piss-poor, and I have never formulated my thoughts well on paper. In person, I can spin a yarn with the best of them, but I wanted this to translate to print. Like many bloggers, I someday would like to write a book, although it would not be humor.

It struck me that it doesn't matter what anyone writes about---usually they are passionate about the topic. This is where I have gained respect for most blogs out there. Perhaps you carry your camera 24/7 in order to capture every situation your kids may see. You then share your feelings thoughts and pictures to ten's of people who may actually want to see them. Good for you, and for sharing yourself. (On this note, and being completely truthful---why would you want pictures of your children and family in the public domain? I suppose that ignorance is bliss, and you may not care who views pictures of your family. I feel there is too much depravity in the world today, and if some 49 year old pervert wants to collect pictures of children on swings, he won't have mine in his library.)

After almost a year of blogging, I have put out some good and crappy posts. I have also gained a respect for anyone that shares a little part of themself, whether it be through their pets or their kids.

I always tried to steer clear of topics that I wouldn't want my kids to read as teenagers. I would hope that in 5 years, my oldest daughter could read my blog and get a little chuckle. (At the moment, I have very little....especially in front of her friends)

Regardless of what others thought about the humor here, I knew that I could always make my wife laugh....and this means a lot to me. She didn't care what my bounce rate was, how many unique visitors I received, or that I crossed 1000 visitors in one day last month. She just enjoyed the writing....and that's why I'll still post here from time to time.
So, please go to the right-hand corner and subscribe to this feed. I promise that roughly 50% of my posts will be funny....even if you only get one a month.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Things I never told anyone--episode 5

I believe that many of my current issues can be traced back to my childhood. I'd write a book of weird childhood experiences, but am certain that I'd be sued for defamation.
My elementary school years were spent every day with my best friend. (we'll call him Joe)
We spent every day together playing in the fields near our houses. We built forts, caught fish, and shot birds with a BB gun. I'd leave in the morning, and wouldn't return home until dinner. I'm surprised my Mom allowed it. Times must have been different then.

If my kids leave the premises of my property, my internal "psycho" dad alarm goes off, and my over-protective Dad genes take control. I'm on the ready, like John Matrix in Commando to do whatever it takes to protect my children.

One afternoon, Joe and I went on a search for his Christmas presents in his parents home. We searched through the garage and house until our journey led us to his Mom's closet. He stood on the chair and pulled down a large stack of boxes. We found old keepsakes, boxes of scarves, and were about to move on to the next hiding spot...until we came to the last small box.

I went out of the room to ensure that nobody was around to catch us in the act. Feeling comfortable that we would not be caught looking at the new GI Joe or Lego set, I went back into the room.

Joe had opened the box, and was examining its contents. Unfortunately, it was not a toy. Well, that is incorrect. It was not a toy that we were interested in...but I'll be damned, it sure was a toy.
(Note to readers. I was a VERY innocent boy raised in a religious household. I was slow on the "perversion" curve. In my defense, I have caught up, and surpassed most others since this point. My mom would be disgusted.)

Joe reached out of the box, and pulled out what I could only describe then as the handle of a light saber. Other pieces were in the box, and obviously attached to the light saber like some sort of transformer. (Boom...I just coined "prior art" on any future adult toy that might be called "Rodimus prime." If you see this in the future, let me know, and I'm suing.)
The wife saber actually looked like Hellraiser had designed a new line of cat toys made out of silicone....spiky balls, dangly things, extensions.

In my defense, I didn't touch any of the box's contents.

We moved on looking for the Christmas toys as this was obviously not our ultimate destination.

Needless to say, some things should be kept in the gun safe.

And please...for the sake of the children, lets keep the comments PG-13. Remember the children!!

Monday, March 16, 2009

It's the economy stupid!

Amidst the collapse of our economy and my 401K, I always try to look on the positive side,
Take the economic hardships, and political shenanigans on both sides of the aisle.
This has literally been the draw for over 40% of my posts. If it wasn't for the economy and poop jokes, this blog would cease to exist.

So to maintain the 40% coverage of the financial crisis, I wanted to share another positive that we can take out of this mess.

I dare say that the most common phrase in today's society is "because of the economy," or some variant of this. In fact, this has become the great excuse for millions across the country.

"Are you buying a car?"
"Not in this economy."

"Let's go out to dinner."
"I can't afford it in this economy."

"Did you see the game?"
"I canceled my cable because of the poor economy."

I will admit, that I have said similar things, or thought it to myself, but I think we can take this excuse much further than we already do.
I believe that I/we can use the economy as an excuse for just about anything in our lives.


Neighbor: I noticed you still have your Christmas lights up. You realize that it's almost Easter right?
Me: I was going to take them down a couple months ago, but haven't found time in this poor economy.
Neighbor: That doesn't make sense. What does the economy have--
Me: See ya. I'm late for my pedicure.

Any random telemarketer: You would be foolish to not take advantage of this new interest rate!
Me: I would be foolish to refinance my house when I may get laid off in the next 6 months because of the economy.
ARM: But these rates are at an all-time low.
Me: What would you say if I told you that I bathing in salsa right now? Would you suggest Doritos or Tostitos?
ARM: click

Nurse: You weigh 179 pounds. This is your heaviest weight ever.
Me: I have really been down lately because of the economy.
Nurse: You do realize that your ass looks like a giant cheese block trampled by football players?
Me: Did you say something about cheese? mmmm.

Cable Internet provider: The block was placed on your account because you were downloading illegally.
Me: I can't afford Internet service AND to buy Cd's in this economy. Which should I stop purchasing?
CIP: I'm sorry sir, but that isn't my problem.
Me: Then why are you calling me? Click

Wife: Did you do another blog post today?
Me: Yes.
Wife: What is it about?
Me: The financial bailout.
Wife: Again?
Me: In this economy, what else do expect to write about? Poop? Hmm...that gives me a couple new ideas.

Friend: The new U2 album isn't very good.
Me: I hear it was because of the economy. Or perhaps that their combined age is like 250 years.

In fact, I've heard this excuse in the damnedest places lately.

Me: (nudging wife) How's the weather over there? (wink wink)
Wife: Huh?
Me: You know, what does the forecast show for me tonight?
Wife: What are you talking about? Why are you winking?
Me: C'mon, my "warm front" is approaching in front of a big love storm.
Wife: Are you asking for sex in the form of "weather analogies?"
Me: Umm...I suppose. Is it working?
Wife: That is the weirdest thing I've ever heard.
Wife: You know....I really want to....but this news on the economy has gotten me really down. Sorry.
Me: Can you give me a 5-day forecast? How about the 10-day?
Wife: ....

Random guy at restaurant: I've heard people are cutting spending so much in this poor economy, that many are shopping at thrift stores for clothes.
Random guy's friend: I think you're right. At Walmart yesterday, I noticed a bunch of people wearing sweats.
Me: (In my head, screaming as loud as I can) You idiots....I've been playing "sweats-count" at Walmart for years. My daily best is 27. 27 PEOPLE WEARING SWEATS in one building that isn't called Golds Gym!

Employer: I'm sorry Matt, but we're going to have to let you go.
Me: What! This is terrible. Was it because of the poor economy?
Employer: No. It is because of the 250 megs of video clips downloaded from Rock of Love: Love Bus.
Me: But I like Brett.....

Friday, March 13, 2009

Weird Science. (or Weird science)

As an engineer, I took grundle-loads of Physics and Math classes in college. I found it interesting that science had explanations for everything in our world. Physics equations could be used to describe the melting of a Popsicle, or the transfer of sound from a fart through jeans.

In a previous post, I described laws of the Universe that we see in our world today. Unfortunately, my quasi-boring-analytical mind is recognizing more patterns in the world of entertainment and politics that are completely described by science.

(On a completely separate note which will be completely surrounded by parentheses; the word "science" is used far too flippantly today. How do we know global warming is true? Science. How is global warming not true? Science. If science a proper noun? Should it be capitalized? Should we refer to Science/science as a deity? What about someone referring to the "science of God?" Isn't this a problem statement? Something like dueling banjos? I digress.)

The Fibonacci weight gain sequence:

As you know, the Fibonacci sequence relates to a mathematical list of numbers where the next number is the calculated by the sum of the two previous numbers.
I am currently practicing this mathematical model in terms of my weight gain. Let's form a hypothesis.
I enjoy eating Nachos Bellgrande from Taco Bell. Eating these every day for a week will enlarge my stomach, thus requiring me to eat more Nachos Bellgrande. Along with this comes increased weight gain.
And from there, the sequence is set. Week 2 I eat two Nachos Bellgrande's a day, and enlarge my stomach even further. The ensuing weight gain is evident.
Pretty soon, the numbers are so high, that my ass has more dimples than a golf ball, and my gut can actually house an entire bowl of Fruity Pebbles with limited milk spillage.

The Geometric sequence of child-birthing and irritability:

Currently Octomom is following this pattern in regards to having children. The next go-around of in vitro may yield 48 children.
In addition, the byproduct of this scenario is the level of irritability that we all have when we hear about this stupid situation. I'm obviously not helping here.

The OJ to the zeroth power rule of constancy:
2^0=1 15^0=1

Any number to the zeroth power is one. OJ proves this rule every time.
Take any act that OJ has committed, and you'll always get the same result---His self-proclamation of innocence. Never fails.

In addition to patterns, probability plays a large role in our world. Let's explore.

The Guassian law of broken promises:

The middle class of today's society obviously is the largest makeup of income, or should we say they are 1 sigma of the distribution.
Now let's see what politicians promise to the rich (upper tail of the distribution), poor (bottom tail of the distribution), and the middle class.
To the poor--We'll give you lots of money and programs to help bring you out of poverty. TRUE
To the rich--We'll raise your taxes as you have plenty of money. You need it less than others. TRUE
To the middle class--We'll lower your taxes, lower your bills, and help you out. (note the Grey term---"help" the middle class) FALSE

The wandering ant on a square grid of economics:

Take the case of a wandering ant on a grid. Each step moves him to a new square.
Will the ant still be on the square in 10 steps? 100 steps?
This same law applies to bank bailouts. Will AIG or Citigroup still be around after 7 bailouts? 10 bailouts? Who knows? Let's keep trying the's not like my children have anything better to do with the money.

The stimulus plan of percolation:

Imagine you place a porous stone in a bucket of water. What are the odds that the water will reach the center of the stone?
Same concept with Uncle Sam. They sure are throwing a bunch of water at the problem, but will it reach its intended target? (See Gaussian law of broken promises above)

And lastly, there is one that may affect more people than any above.

Janitor's law of probability:

When a janitor comes calling in a work restroom for some cleaning, there is a 86% chance that you are only 14% into your craptacular experience.


Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Parenting 101::Lesson 16--Music

I realize that as parents, we have a responsibility to teach our children the morals and principles that we deem correct, and then let them choose for themselves. There are some ideas and teachings that I feel are important, and try to emphasize these strongly.

Unfortunately, there are other things I think I am passing on which may be unintentional.

You'd think that our house would be rocking with Hannah Montana or the Jonas Brothers as I have 9 and 6 year old daughters.
You'd also think with my 2 little boys, that "Hot potato" by the Wiggles would be constantly sung in the car.

Not so.

Just yesterday, my 6 year old daughter started into "I used to roll the dice." (Viva la Vida by Coldplay)

And then later in the car, my 4 year old son turned in a Jagger-esque performance when he bursts out with "I see a red door, and I want it painted black." (Paint it black by the Stones)

So much for the Golden rule, stay away from strangers, or don't litter....My kids are obviously gleaning only what they wish from my parenting.

Monday, March 9, 2009

JD's mis-Fortune with INXS

In a spot of late news, I wanted to discuss the firing of JD Fortune from INXS. If you haven't heard, it was reported that the band told Fortune that we don't have What you need.

For those that don't know Fortune, he was the winner of the 2005 reality show entitle Rockstar: INXS. He was able to Mystify the crowd and band to take the place of former lead singer Michael Hutchence who had killed himself years earlier, perhaps wrestling with a Devil Inside.

One of these two made Rockstar: INXS "must-see" TV...guess which?

Fortune was supposedly deep into Cocaine use on the bands last tour to find a New Sensation. His erratic behavior to the band obviously led INXS to Kick him from the band.

Fortune states that he was left with a handshake in the Hong Kong airport with no Bitter Tears, and went On my way. He obviously wanted to Disappear as he know lives in his car. (not known if it is down by the river)

INXS responded by saying his statement was untrue, and that they had lost Faith in Each Other. Even their manager did not choose to Mediate the situation, and categorically denied Fortune's claims.

I am one who is truly disappointed by this news. I have followed INXS from their beginning, and hoped that the Afterglow from their TV series would propel them to more good music.

Is Gavin from Bush the long-lost twin of Hutchence??

Perhaps it is true that the band will never be good again since Hutchence committed Suicide. Blonde performer Suzie Mcneil would have been a better fit for the band than Fortune, but didn't even make the finals on the TV show.

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Exterminating the litterbug

I can remember the last time I intentionally littered. I was 16 years old, and had just visited a fast food joint with some buddies. After finishing the burgers, I noticed the guys throwing their garbage on the floor of my car. I quickly told them to clean up their trash, which was followed by defiant laughter. I pushed the issue, and they said that the only other place to put it was outside. A few of them threw their trash out the window while I was driving, and to be as "cool" as them, I followed their lead.

I may have littered previous in my life, but I don't remember it. I definitely remember this time. I felt awful. We had literally piled a dozen burger wrappers and our drink cups on the side of the road.

I felt so bad, that I later returned to the scene of the crime to clean up the mess.

Since this time, I try very hard to clean up after myself. Don't misunderstand me...I'm not thinking about joining Greenpeace, or giving money to do away with landfills. I drink bottled water, receive about 78 plastic bags every trip to Walmart, and flush all my condoms.

I live in a blue-collar Podunk town in Idaho. And unfortunately, our city is dirty. Trash in the streets, trash in many yards, and trash in the fields. The car wash I frequent had an old washer and dryer lying in the adjacent gully for months. You'd think that someone would have strapped them to the roof of their Cutlass Supreme as the "wanted" section of our local Craigslist is the largest of all the sections.
Perusing Craigslist the other day, I noticed that someone had asked for a free car. They didn't want a piece of crap, as the the ad stated that they "needed something newer than a 2002, so that they didn't have to do any repairs." They also mentioned that they were "short on cash, but could trade vacuuming and bathroom cleaning" for the car. I didn't respond, as I need my car, and I especially didn't want someone to clean up my pubic hair.

The other night, my family visited a local eating establishment. My son (4 years old) came out with me a couple minutes before the rest of the crew were finished as I needed some fresh air.
His attention was quickly turned to a hubcap that was lying on a grass berm. He went over and tossed it around, despite my 16 requests to come to the car. I used angry tone, nice tone, loud voice, patient voice, but no dice. Somehow he didn't see me as a threat as I never got up from the drivers seat.

The wife came out with the rest of the crew, and he saw that he would be left at the Taco Time unless he got in the car. As he ran to the car, his eyes instantly turned to an empty beer bottle in the parking lot. As boys are prone to do, he picked up the bottle and gave his best impression of Ichiro. Unfortunately, as he pulled his arm back to make the toss, the open end of the bottle was pointed down, and the contents of the bottle emptied onto his head and clothes.

He turned to me wondering why it looked like he'd just been freed from the Matrix. The gooey sludge that covered his head was unbelievably disgusting.

My kids have done some pretty disgusting things, and put some pretty gross things in their mouth.
It wouldn't be stretching the truth to say that my kids have had any/all of the following in their mouth:

Toilet water.
Dog food.
Toilet water turned yellow.
Human fecal matter.

But the gut-wrenching smell that emanated from my son, topped all disgusting experiences to date.

As he approached, the tell-tale smell of mint snuff permeated the air. son had poured tobacco spit on himself. If he was 18, he could probably have filmed it with his shirt off and made some money.

As we rode home with the windows down, and a naked kid in the car seat, my resolution to never intentionally litter was cemented.

So, the next time you feel the need to leave a Mt. dew bomb, used needle, or an old retainer in a parking lot....think again. My 4 year old will find it, and I will hunt you down like Liam Neeson in "Taken."

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