Monday, February 16, 2009

Reader e-mail; the Jesus edition

I receive a few odd e-mails to the address that represents this web-site. ( Most of them are from rich Nairobi princes, or from best friends explaining how to prolong pleasure for a lady.
I received a more interesting email from a reader who found my web site by googling "random pictures of dead people real dead people gross stuff."
This reader landed on this page describing my experiences with the nether-regions of this world. (as opposed to the nether-regions of my body)

I almost deleted the e-mail upon reading the search term used to find my page. Let's use at least one Boolean expression or quotes to limit the search results.

Upon further reading, the writer described that she also had the same sleep issues and ghostly experiences I have. She went on to say that by "finding Jesus," she was able to overcome these strange occurrences. In fact, the way she did it was to "throw out a tarp of love and willingness to submit and devour evil in her mind."

While I appreciate the help and encouragement, it got me thinking about a few things.

First, why haven't the Jesus freaks gotten on this whole spam e-mail thing? Where's the innovation? I receive hundreds of e-mails daily from scammers in Africa, penis enlargement firms, and cheap prescription benefits companies. You're telling me that there's no group out there trying to send out e-mails with the subject line "You're going to Hell"?
As I scanned through the spam folder, I would totally stop and check this e-mail out. You could have it be from Jesus, and have the subject line say "Damn you."

In fact, they should take it a step further. Who hasn't been in a laundromat, and seen the pamphlets inviting you to take Jesus in your life? All you need to do is sign your name at the back of the pamphlet. I've put my John Hancock on hundreds of these "just to be sure."

Why not have something similar in an e-mail. A big CLICK HERE TO ACCEPT JESUS link in the e-mail should do fine. Wouldn't this be the same thing?
Or even better, when you click the "accept Jesus" link, it can install some spy ware on your PC. Then every time you try to surf porn, a crash of lightning would run across your monitor warning you of your impending doom.
These are great ideas. I need to be hired in the creative department.

It's also curious to me when people invite you to "find Jesus" as this lady did. Is this the best terminology available? Aren't there others better suited for the job?

You'd think that there are other groups that are well-funded involved in finding Jesus. The CIA, AP, NASA, Don King, etc.
You could start a small children's show called Where in the world is Jesus, and get Rockapella to write a theme song.

And then what happens when they find him? Who wants to see an article on stating "Jesus found in Phoenix eating a Whataburger." Don't you think that would be kind of a let-down? What would PETA think? I think most would like to think of the Holy One sitting on his throne in Heaven wielding unlimited power and knowledge, not super-sizing a curly fry.
What if I took this challenge personally to find Jesus and then I find him? Then the world throws my name in the conversation with David Koresh and Marshall Applewhite.
Perhaps people should use different terminology. Maybe I should be invited to believe in Jesus, or accept his divinity.
I have a suggestion for people that suggest to "find Jesus." Send me a link.

And lastly, what is a professed follower of Jesus doing searching the Internet for "random pictures of dead people real dead people gross stuff"? Hopefully she wants to raise them. (not as children, but actually bring them back)
And she obviously doesn't want to see fake dead people. She wants real dead people, and gross stuff. May I suggest the "faces of death" film series.


Alex L said...

I dont get much spam, maybe a couple a day... but seriously please don't encourage evangelist spam mail.

Prefers Her Fantasy Life said...

Thank Jesus there isn't more evangelist spam. It would totally be boring and long-winded.

An Help Meet said...

Dear God preserve us, as if emails from Nairobi and how to enhance my s*x life were not enough.............

Adamgv said...

Check out this new Christian band that just released their first album. From what I heard on the samples site, they sound really good.

Introducing the new Christian National Anthem: Guns & Jesus.

Tell All!!!

Stephanie said...

Am I entitled to come beat you with a stick if some Christian outfits TAKE your advice?

Damn good advice but, damn it!

Matt said...

Alex--Wouldn't it be better than Viagra ads?

Prefers--Funny how you thanked Jesus for no Jesus spam.

Helpmeet--and you thank God for no Jesus spam.

Adam--I don't dare click the link. The shadiness factor is a 9.

Stephanie--I've gotten the short stick my whole life, so you might as well pile it on.

JUDY said...

IAM-- IS IN NAPA AND THIS WORLD IS TO ME AS gabriel WAS TO GOD OF LIVIG AT HOME.ANGLES AND ELDERS KNOW BUT CANNOT TELL YOU AS IAM DOES.NOW ALL NATIONS ARE CHARGES WITH ZACHRIAH'10 YES FOOLS WITH gabriels and cains tricks but for three years to slavery of any daughter of holy man sent from white or black or other men of color or light and woman who have also sinned gabiels and cains sin shall know YESHUAS pain from his serving your sins in pain 7000 times greater starting july 15, 2ooo are you real christians with revalatoins signs yet? then tell the law to this world as i alerted you in 2006. SELAH TO FAITHFUL GO IN PEACE...

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