AP: Backwoods Idaho -- I'm calling this press conference to set the record straight about my past performance. I need to address rumors that I took performance-enhancing substances to enhance my blogging.
First, bear with me. I'm a little nervous, or a lot nervous. Let me start by thanking fellow bloggers, and my half-dozen fans for your support.
Unfortunately, it is true that I also took substances in the past to increase my blogging performance.
On one hand, it's a little difficult to admit mistakes, but on the other hand, it feels good to move forward.
I took these substances in 2008 from July to September. I was posting far more regularly than I do know, and humorous material was coming to me much quicker.
I screwed up big time!. Me and my cousin started taking substances that he got from the Dominican Republic. My cousin would supply me with things to keep my performance high.
When you're young and stupid, you're young and stupid.
I didn't know what effect the substances would have, or whether I was even taking them properly.
I would hope that we can move forward, and I would hope that you would judge me from this day forward.
This concludes the press conference, and no questions will be taken.
ESPN correspondent Tim Kurkjian:
You have just heard a stunning announcement that could forever hang over the career of this mediocre blogger.
Our crack investigative team has discovered more details into this shocking revelation. It has been found that for the period of time from July-Sep 2008, Matt's cousin was supplying him with Vero Mango candy, Chiclet's gum, and Tamarind soda pop.
These items can be very dangerous when taken together, and will certainly help blogging performance.
Let's take a look at the stats, and you'll see the correlation.
In the July-Sep time frame, Matt had posts that not only attracted more visitors, but garnered several more comments that he's had at other times in his career. For example, take a look at:
News you really need to peruse
Banana hammocks out in full force
Reason #17 why you shouldn't shop at the Wal-marts.
In addition, his posting percentages were astronomically higher. In this timeframe, he averaged almost 4 posts a week. He's lucky to put out 2 pieces of drivel a week in his current state. And have you read the stuff he has lately? He's starting to talk much more about his personal life, rather than put out a half decent humor piece. Who cares if he's growing a beard, or is working on finishing his basement.
Some may actually wonder if Matt should start taking these substances again, just so his material borders on the readable. In its current state, "That tears it...!" should probably be rescined by blogger. He's an embarrasment to this profession, and can't even crack the top 20 on Humor-blogs. Even LOL cats can make a top 20 list. What a shame.