Monday, February 2, 2009

The glass is half's just a smaller glass

Top 10 positive things we should focus on in this poor economy.

1--Transformers 2 is considering dialing down the special effects from the first movie, and actually integrating a plot. No word on if they will merge Transformers 2, and Armageddon 2 into Transformageddon as they are basically the same movie.

2--Serial killers nationwide cannot afford to shop at Home Depot anymore. They will be forced to shop at Harbor Freight, where sub-standard, more affordable tools can be purchased. Have you tried sawing a Femur in half with a Chicago Electric Reciprocating saw? The motor will die out before the second leg, forcing the killer to use a hack-saw. I think this could dissuade many from killing again.

3--All those Banana Hammocks you have been saving since 1979 could become chic as you can just say that a new swimsuit is "too expensive."

4--Every time your kids ask for money, you'll be able to respond that "We don't have any extra money because of the economy." I figure you can use this excuse for the next 14 years or so until they catch on.

5--There is bound to be a bunch of free concerts given as a "gift" to those that can't afford it. Bank on seeing Bon Jovi or the B-52's free in the next year.

That guy in the lower right-hand corner waited on me at Ruby Tuesday last weekend

6--You'll make many new friends begging for cash at the Walmart intersection. It's a direct correlation--Unemployment goes up, Walmart stop-light begging does too.

7--You can finally start using the skills you've learned on Man vs. Wild.

8--Hollywood won't be able to afford to pay Kevin Costner what he thinks he is worth, thus leading to no more bland 3 hour movies. (We'll leave this to Keanu Reeves)

9--There may finally be a use for all the rampant dog reproduction in Houston Texas as a new food source is discovered. (Seriously, have you ever been to Houston? I swear that on any random street, there are 7 wild dogs running around, and 3 of them are pregnant. Listen to Bob Barker you bastards.)

10--Washington will finally realize that the country is in economic peril, and put partisan politics and wasteful spending aside in order to look out for the American people.
They will put real stimulus into the economy and the vote will not fall along party lines.
No unnecessary spending for things like $50 million for the National Endowment for the Arts; $150 million for the Smithsonian; $400 million for global-warming research, and $650 million more for my Grandma to buy a digital TV box for her TV that hasn't seen electricity since 1994.

The future is looking brighter every day.


dizzblnd said...

egads... I hope anyone with a Banana hammock does NOT read these.

Funny stuff

Father Muskrat said...

#10 will never happen, sadly.

Alex L said...

The b52s... dear god I was praying they were dead.

unfinishedrambler said...

#1: I'm all for that. The special effects kicked ass, but the story was missing something: hmmm, like a story.

#2: That's scary. How do you know about sawing a femur in half?

#10: Dream on.

Chris C said...

I love how in the banana hammock pic there is someone on the right filming him.

That will make one hell of a YouTube clip.

GAGAY said...

hek hek hek! thanks for these things..hahah! i love these..whew!

thinking now if am gonna do this with my future kids..tsk tsk tsk! LOL!


Da Old Man said...

#10. Not in my lifetime.

The Office Scribe said...

In response to #2 in correlation with #7 & #9 - Won't the serial killers just become cannibals and kill 2 birds with one stone.

Hannibal Lecter will become very trendy.

David said...

#10 - Artists need work too. Don't be a hater.

That porn you love is considered to be art...well, by some.

Rickey Henderson said...


Jen said...

There's an Armageddon 2? How come I didn't know about this?

Matt said...

dzzblnd--what?? No love for the hammock?

Muskrat--One can dream.

Alex--I remember fondly dancing in junior high school to Rock Lobster. Classic.

UR--I watch a little too much Dexter.

Chris--I don't know if youtube would even allow that video. Vertical smile crack usually gets deleted.

Gaga--what's hek? I always thought the alternative to swearing was spelled "heck." Thanks for coming.

Old Man--you're not that old.

Office scribe--I can't chew gum and walk at the same putting multiple numbers together is above my pay grade.

David--I actually think the porn industry asked for some money. You need to contribute more. Get online.

Rickey--The only thing I desired in that show was the "transforming sound." It was a throw-back to my youth.'s called Transformers.

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