Tuesday, January 13, 2009

The new gold standard

As I scan through AM talk radio, I'm blasted at every frequency with the reminder that the economy is in shambles, and that we're on the highway to a great depression. Talking head Glenn Beck feels that we are headed for a crash much worse than the great depression.

While the reality of this is grim and depressing, I am the eternal optimist. I look for the positives in every situation, and I even see one were we reach this situation in our country.

I can see the future that Mr. Beck speaks of--The dollar fails, and the lack of a gold standard renders all money worthless. Governments fail, resources are impossible to get, and the hunt for food and water become our daily activity. Lawlessness rules in major cities, and those hoping to stay alive move to the country. Eventually, all major cities are destroyed by warfare and fire. Men are driving around in "Interceptors" with their dogs, and Tina Turner puts her hair in buns while baring most of her clothes. Midgets are carried around by large mentally handicapped men, and large bands of children form colonies in far reaches of the desert.
Yes....every red-blooded American male has his dream come true....We live in the movie Mad Max.

So what do I have to look forward to in the future?? Living in my Suburban? Using the skills I learn on "Man vs. Wild?" Drinking my own urine?
While these do not appeal to me in the least, I relish the opportunity to be able to say "2 men enter, 1 man leaves."

So, in this future economy where there is no dollar, and we are forced to have another standard of trade, what will be used to "barter?"
I imagine the oldest profession will still be around. Will we trade futures on prostitution? Perhaps I can "short" redheads and mutes.

If we do revert to another form of payment or standard of barter, I have a few suggestions that would enable me to be very wealthy in this new-world economy.

Here are my suggestions for the new "gold standard."

Base the new economy on Garbage pail kids or the 1987 Topps baseball set. (wood grain) There is no telling how much my "Adam Bomb" or my "New Wave Dave" would be worth.

I think I have 16 copies of Tony Larussa...those would at least garner me a small cow or 6 gallons of gas.

Home decor. If we were to use pots, plants, wicker "stuff", and iron "things", our house would be the Louvre. We'd have to build a bunker just to protect all of the stuff on our walls and shelves. It's like Michaels threw up and had diarrhea at the same time all over our house.

Chest hair. They call me the missing link--Homo Hairchestus.

This is childs play...

Illegally downloaded Mp3's. I'm an instant millionaire.

Blog posts about the economy. I think I'm up to 30 or so on this.

Little league trophies. I knew there was a reason I was saving these.

If none of these take hold......I'll need to buy a gun.


Dan said...

That chest wig looks painful - self adhesive no less.

I'll stick with my 4 copies of the von Neumann card from the great people of the 20th century series.

Da Old Man said...

Bullets and toilet paper will be the new economy.

Alex L said...

Use your chest hair as armor, it will be stylish as well.

Chris C said...

Do we get a mangy dog to follow us around in this post-apocalyptic world?

Doug at Taunt Vortex said...

Are you sure that's chest hair? For some reason I'm having 1970s Playboy centerfold flashbacks.

Jenn Thorson said...

This would really work out well for me. I have so much decor stuff I need to get rid of. I was going to just put it on Ebay, but in this new world order, it'll be so much easier to barter it than to try to calculate shipping for some dude in California who'll then send it back because he didn't understand the item description.

Woot! I am in the money, baybeeee!!!

Cameron said...

Cool....we have way too much shit on our walls. How about kitchen utensils, cuz we have about fourteen soup ladles.

Prefers Her Fantasy Life said...

I have a few dolls and some Beatles' bubblegum cards that sustain me for a while.

Gary ("Old Dude") said...

I got like 300 copies of National Geographic, with such a vast pile of knowledge I can see myself as being the "Wiseman" of the group, wow, talk about power!!

RaBT said...

I tell you what, that Tony LaRussa 87 topps is pretty slick. But nothing like the rest of the set which includes unsterioided Bonds, McGwire, AND Canseco... Which are all worth about as much as the gum that is certainly stale in it by now...

Anonymous said...

I'm looking around my home office and trying to think what I could barter: popcorn kernels?!? I have plenty of them on the floor. :)

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