Tuesday, January 6, 2009

An analog boat in a digital ocean


Me: (Dialing......Still Dialing.....waiting)

Computer lady: Hello. Welcome to Direct TV.

(Pause)

Computer lady's cousin from Mexico: Si usted no me entiende, respire pesadamente en la otra línea. Para el resto de usted, ahora presione dos.

Me: (waiting)

Computer lady returns: If you are a Direct TV customer, please say yes.

Me: (waiting)

Computer lady: I'm sorry, I didn't catch that. Please say yes if you already have Direct TV.

Me: Whoops....Yes!

CL: I'm sorry, I didn't catch that. Please press 1 if you already have Direct TV.

Me: (presses one sheepishly)

CL: If you are calling to get more information about the Digital Transition of TV transmissions, please say yes now.

Me: (waits)

CL: Our operators are experiencing high call volume at this time....

Me: (Presses 0)

CL: I'm sorry...that is an unrecognized command. Why don't you try to tell us what you want, and we'll direct your call.

Me: One million dollars and free satellite.

CL: I'm sorry, I didn't catch that. Did you want to add another satellite to your account?

Me: No. I actually want to change my programming.

CL: Can you be more specific? Why don't you try saying something like upgrade to premium package or order pay per view movies.

Me: Downgrade programming.

CL: I see. You'd like to change your base programming package. Please say the package you want.

Me: umm...I don't know what it's called (presses 0)

CL: That is not a valid option. Would you like to order the premier package?

Me: No, I don't want to order the premier package.

CL: You have selected the premier package as your base programming. Is this correct?

Me: No, that is not correct. I said I wanted to downgrade my programming package.

CL: I'm sorry, I didn't catch that. In addition to upgrading to the premier package which includes every channel on Direct TV, would you like to order a pay per view movie or event?

Me: Damnit (presses 0)

CL: I'm sorry. That is an unrecognized command. If you'd like to start over, please say start over.

Me: Start over

Computer lady's cousin from Mexico: Si usted no me entiende, respire pesadamente en la otra línea. Para el resto de usted, ahora presione dos.

Me: You've got to be kidding me. (presses 0)

CL: I'm sorry, I didn't catch that. Would you like to order a pay per view movie or event?

Me: OPERATOR...OPERATOR, speak with OPERATOR!!

CL: I see you'd like to speak with a customer service associate. Your expected wait time is...(clicks and beeps)...35 minutes.

Me: You're kidding me.

CL: Did you know that most options to your account can be accessed online through Directtv.com?

Me: I just want to ask a question. I can't believe it's this difficult to ask a question that's not about a pay per view.

CL: I see you have a question regarding ordering a pay per view movie or event. Which event would you like to order?

Me: (seething) Quit trying to trick me. You are not special.

CL: You have ordered "Jerry Springer; Topless trick or treat special."

Me: I don't want Jerry Springer. If I wanted topless women, I'd just order porn. Why is this so hard?

CL: You have ordered "Hot topless women 8: We like it hard." Would you like to order another pay per view event?

Me: (hangs up)



Me: (Dialing....Dialing.)

Wife: Hello.

Me: Will you turn the TV to channel 583?

Wife: Why?

Me: Just do it.

Wife: Whoa..!! Jerry Springer is doing the Macarena with some topless hags.

Me: Stupid computer lady. I'm calling them back. Can you Tivo the rest of the show?

10 comments:

Alex L said...

Wife: Whoa..!! Jerry Springer is doing the Macarena with some topless hags.

Ok so how can you still be angry?

King of New York Hacks said...

The Macarena ?!?!?! Cable and Direct TV are doomed !!

Prefers Her Fantasy Life said...

You captured the commands right on. As a former English as a Second Language teacher, I'm amazed that the recording uses the idiom, "I'm sorry. I didn't catch that." I'm not even sure my own mother would understand.

Jenn Thorson said...

Excellent post, Matt-- made me laugh out loud at points. I think I've HAD that electronic voice sensitive phone operator-- and let me tell you, they're paying her TOO MUCH.

Gary ("Old Dude") said...

and they wonder why people are so uptight these days?? aint that what people are for-----??----ah, you do have people right?

nepoleon said...

Yo dude this happens everywhere.its not only for u its almost for all of them.did u finally watch the Macarena atleast.do try to calm down and answer all these calls r just try to complain to the higher officials.any way keep trying all the best.

Siren said...

too funny, i had direct tv and somehow i got NFL Sunday ticket...which might have been ok if i watched football, they gave me some speech about not canceling it so i just canceled the whole damn service. Great Post.

Da Old Man said...

My favorite thing is when the voice thing repeats what you say. It's awesome to come up with really disgusting terms.

Matt said...

alex--you're right...I did calm down after that.

King--no...I'm doomed for spending way too much money on satellite.

Prefers--I use idioms much more than I use the word idioms....I'm an engineer with very little English know how.

Jenn--She was so nice at first...they sucker you in.

Gary--I play an uptight guy...I'm actually quite relaxed....sometimes.

napoleon--Your lack of capital letters is giving me fits. Thanks for coming.

Siren--I too got NFL ticket for free....that's why I was calling to downgrade.

Old man--they repeat dirty phrases??!! I need to call back.

Pearl said...

That was fabulous. Thank you!
Pearl

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