In a recent entrecard dropping session, I ran across a site that caught my eye. (besides the massive number of blogs about pets...really pets? I just don't feel the need to dress up a hamster and take pictures of it)
This blog detailed the 7 laws of the universe. With a rough physics background, I was intrigued. I quickly learned that the laws are based on "metaphysics." (also known as--nottaphysics) I guess there are some that believe in universal laws of things like vibration, gender, motion, masturbation, and other things I don't recall.
There were also a bunch of references to hypno-therapy. I don't really have a need to quit smoking or quack like a duck on stage, so I contributed to the bounce rate of the web page and went searching for more cat blogs.
Since this time, I have thought about the "laws of the universe." The mumbo jumbo you read by these nottaphysicists will not improve your life or help you in your daily life. Below are the real 7 laws of the universe, and will greatly help your understanding of our earthly realm.
1-The law of Multiplicity:
(aka the taco bell law)
It's a little known fact that taco bell really only has 8 ingredients in their building. You'd be surprised how many different combinations of bacon, beans, cheese, and quasi-meat you can create. Using a little math, Taco Bell has found that they can create "new" items until 2024 without adding a new ingredient into the mix.
How does this help you? When they advertise a "bacon cheddar gordita crunch," think back on if you ate the "cheesy bacon double decker taco" a few years ago. Same thing...higher price.
2--Boyle's law of Walmart aisles:
Take a normal aisle at Walmart (roughly 3 feet in diameter) and try to insert 14 people who each weigh over 350 pounds (not including sweat pants or "riding carts") The increase in this pressure will decrease the volume in the aisle. If you take out 10 of these people, the pressure will decrease, but the volume will increase. Either way, there is no way you will get through the arm-rolls to buy your Frosted Flakes.
3--The law of diminishing returns:
(aka the chuck e cheese law, or the 2008-2001 401K law)
Take 20 dollars and your children to chuck e cheese. Purchase a bunch of tokens where your kids can play video games and other activities to earn tickets. Have them trade in the tickets for fun prizes and toys. Upon returning home, your 20 dollars will get you 3 monster pencil-top erasers, 6 tootsie rolls, and one kazoo. It will also get your kids diarrhea.
4--Newtons 1st law of Wendy's:
This law states that a body in motion will tend to remain in motion unless acted upon by another force.
Wendy's is counting on this law in their drive-thru. Let me explain.
On roughly 95% of your Wendy's drive-thru visits, you will give your order, and drive up to the window. At this point they like to make the "double exchange." This is where you give the money, and they give you the food. If they have to make change, or use your credit card, you will get a sneer.
For a company that wants your business, it's like they want you to get the hell out of there. It's eerily reminiscent of the doorstep scene on my junior prom night.
5--The more for less law:
(aka the saturated fat law)
This law applies at most eating establishments and grocery stores. If you were to go to Arby's and buy a single sandwich, it would be 2.99. But they always run a deal where you can buy 2 sandwiches for 4 dollars. What if you don't want 2 sandwiches?? There is a conspiracy to make this society fat, and I'm spear-heading the class action lawsuit. I recently wrote about this in post about Big Macs here. I wish this law applied to cars and guns.
6--The law of divisibility:
This probably does not apply to everyone, but for the 4 years I worked as a waiter in college, it was prevalent.
I took home cash every night from my job at a restaurant we'll call Routback Steakblouse. My wife would make weekly deposits, and only liked to deposit the money in a number that was divisible by 5. This always left me with 4 or less dollars in my wallet.
If we had 319 dollars, she would deposit 315, and I would get 4 back. If we had 355, the whole amount was deposited, and I had to bum money off of friends, or use the law below.
7--The Credit law of inevitability:
A man enters a gas station for a Coke on 2 different days. The first day he has 5 dollars, and only purchases the Coke.
On the second visit, he has no cash, and has to use his credit/debit card. The man thinks it is silly to use a credit card for a $1.29 Coke, and so he picks up some BBQ corn nuts, 2 Whatchamacallits, and a beef stick at the register. If you are going to use a credit/debit card, you should at least make it worth your while. New total--$7.49. True dat.
While not all applicable in daily life, I hope these will guide you in your path away from nottaphysics.