Tuesday, January 27, 2009

My super power -- redux

This is a post I wrote for another site. Since its publishing, more superheroes have been added to the team. We like to call ourselves the Scavengers. (pronounced skah ven' gers. Don't forget the emphasis.)

In the past few years, the media has brought to the fore-front of discussion, the idea of an "evolutionary step" in the chain of humanity. This "step" has led to everyday people displaying physical and mental attributes like none could have dreamed. Shows like "Heroes" and movies like "X-Men" have people wondering…what if? (I on the other hand, wondered "what if" that blue makeup were to be smeared off Rebecca Romijn…I digress)

At great risk to myself and my family, I believe it's time to come out of the closet. (no…not that) I have decided to tell the world that like Hugh Jackman, I have a super-power. But unlike Hugh Jackman, women (and some men) do not go gaga when I'm not wearing a shirt.

Much like the spider biting Peter Parker, I also had an experience that triggered my "development."

I was cleaning up the dishes after dinner (as I always do) and putting away the leftovers in Tupperware containers. I reached into the cabinet holding the superfluity of containers, and randomly pulled out a few. I scooped out the contents of chicken, pasta, and potatoes. I looked back upon my work, and noticed a strange phenomenon…..that every container was filled EXACTLY to the top. Not an inch was wasted in any container…not a drop left in any pan.

Chalking it up to luck, I attempted the same feat the following night, with resounding success. I watched my skills continue to be honed and perfected with each passing day. No item of food has ever been wasted, no space in the fridge has been "tied up" with "far-too-large" containers…no food has ever needed to be thrown away. It is an amazing sight to behold.

As my father once told me, "With great power, comes great responsibility." So, "The Brimmer" (as I am known in the superhero community) and the "Legion of Justice" will fight to eradicate the world of evil. Below are my fellow fighters:

"Eye-sight"---Is able to tell if an item hanging on the wall is level with no assistance from mechanical tools or laser sights.

"The Judge"---Can tell within 5 miles when he is going to run out of gas. Fill-ups are few and far between for this hero.

"Squeeze Play"---Can literally get at least 10 more uses from a roll of toothpaste that has been thrown away by the average citizen.

"The Alternator"---Has never been beaten in creating a checkerboard pattern on a rubix cube. The speed and agility of his hands is amazing.

"Major Boredom"---Can literally talk about himself for 90 minutes straight. Any attempt to interject or add to the conversation only fuels his desire to continue ranting. Beware.

"The Weasel"---Pays for his own lunch roughly 14% of the time. Will always be conveniently missing when the time to pay arises.

"The Poker"---Can type roughly 70 words per minute while only using his 2 pointy fingers. Fingers of steel.

"Slip and Slide"---Will see actual evidence of his food in the toilet less than 1 hour after eating. You will be regaled with tales of beans, corn, and whole pieces of lettuce.

"Hammer-down"---Can punch a nail into a 2X4 with one hit most of the time. Watch for flying nails upon mis-hits

And our technology assistant is "The Programmer" who---while being dominantly right-handed---can maneuver a mouse with his left hand with surprising ease. (although it's been strongly suspected that this has come more out of practice and necessity than actual gift-his right hand is generally tied up.)

And while we are interested in ridding the world of evil, we're focused a little more on how to market our powers into a movie. With the onslaught of super-hero movies on the docket this summer, you'd have to think we'd do at least as good as a Wayans brothers movie. Gotta go, I just got a call from a buddy who ran out of gas and needs a ride.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

I'm not gay. I just need to pee.

The restroom is deserted as I head in to relieve myself. I pony up to the cleanest urinal and start my business.
A few seconds later, another person disturbs my blissful solitude. My peripheral vision loses sight of where he's headed. I hope he employs the "every other" rule with urinals.

Another couple seconds go by, and I don't see him. He's not to the left, right, nor do I hear the tell-tale slam of a stall door. Perhaps he's fixing his hair in the mirror, or brushing his teeth.

Something in my gut tells me that foul play is afoot, so I turn my head ever-so-slightly to catch a glimpse of the situation.

Instantly, everything goes into slow motion.

This guy is deep in thought as he approaches the urinals.
Sometimes you can tell when someone is bothered, or pondering deeply by the look in their eyes. I couldn't tell if this was the case, but thought he must be thinking of something important or troubling as his eyes were pasted to the ground, feet slowly shuffling in my direction.

I'm in full stream at this point, when the bladder is working at peak capacity to empty itself.
Another second or two goes by in my slow motion world, and I feel something is terribly wrong.
I turn my head again to survey the situation, and notice that "Mr. troubled" is bearing down on my location. His head is still down, and he's headed straight for me.
I turn back to my urinal, wondering why someone would use a stall right next to me, with so many others that were open?

And then the unthinkable occurs as I'm "rear-ended" by this gentleman.

In my mind, I see this playing out from multiple camera angles.
His head is down, as he moves his hands to his zipper in preparation for the relieving event. Before he can initiate the unzip, a collision of epic proportions occurs as he runs full tilt into my backside.
I see this in my mind again and again in those microseconds from above, below, 3rd person, 1st person, and hidden camera. It's like Van Dam in "Bloodsport" where every one of his kicks are shown 14 times in 1.2 seconds to reiterate the fact that a 5'6" man can kick a grown man in the face. (if he jumps off a chair)

My free (right) hand goes up to the wall to brace the impact. An involuntary male kegel shuts down all flow in mid-stream, as I desperately try to keep any loose clothing from receiving collateral damage.

And then time freezes.

I'm certain that there are seminal moments in every person's life.
For me and the stranger, this was one of them. Any rational human being knows the events that should transpire after this booty-bang.
The stranger should mutter a short apology about not watching his step, and then head out the door in hopes that we'll never see each other again.

This gentleman obviously did not feel the situation was as important as myself.
He shook off the near-rape without a word, and went to the stall directly next to me. He used his free hand to find a non-booger location on the wall, and went along, business as usual.

As any guy could tell you, starting from a interrupted mid-stream stoppage is very hard to recover from. Coupled with my sudden tunnel vision that was caused by my near-molestation, I zipped up, and did a quick-wash.

I headed towards the exit, and gave the dark stranger a quick look. He appeared so relaxed in his current state. Like he was high-fiving the wall. I wondered what would happen if I tried to throw him out his comfort zone, by giving him a dose of his own medicine with a bum-bump. And then I recalled the story of Larry Craig, and the "return" foot-tap. Perhaps my backside-bludgeoning would be portrayed as an approval of the first mid-section-meld.

Exit stage left....never use that bathroom again. I just may start peeing in Mt. Dew bottles at my desk.

Monday, January 19, 2009

I had a dream

Long live the King. (Martin Luther that is)

While many in the country slept in this morning, watched Oprah, and got to the "early-bird" special at Golden Corral, I was at work.
No company I've been employed with, has ever given this as a paid holiday.
I suppose that there are some positives to this. My 401K didn't drop today, and I'm sure the lines at the post office aren't long. (they generally aren't when they're closed)

As my company recently announced multiple unpaid weeks of forced vacation over the next 6 months, you'd think that they would set aside one of these "holidays" to use on Martin Luther King Jr. day. No dice.

Speaking of crappy times in the economy (again), I recently survived a layoff at my work.
While sending a text message to a couple friends, I was placed in a quandary on the spelling of my sentence.

I am of a different (old-school) breed of text messagers. (not a word) I write everything out in full sentences, careful to ensure that all punctuation and spelling are correct. I'll be damned if some unknown intelligence official is poring over suspect text messages, and has to use text-speak to decipher mine. If anything, they'll consider me a "well-spoken" terrorist.

As you know, most cell phones have a "word" function which lets you type things quickly. This "word" feature will place the most appropriate or most used word based on your key-strokes.

As I typed a text to a couple friends announcing that I had made if through the layoffs, I tried to type layed which my semi-smart phone would not let me do. It allowed laid and I went with it.
As most of my knowledge stems from Google, I found that laid is the correct spelling, and I am a dumb-ass.

As an engineer, the English language has always boggled me.

I thought Metallica was right when they wanted to "lay their head down to sleep, and pray the lord their soul to keep." I thought that if they prayed, then I could also get layed. I was wrong. (for 2 different reasons, spelling and my fat gut)
But then I realized that no matter how much you pay, you are usually paid unless you were in a rowboat, in which you could be payed.
Likewise, you could say something, but it was always said.
To further complicate things, by May, you could be made.

While this "word" auto complete can be helpful, it can also be problematic. You may be texting very quickly, and not notice that the word you MEANT to type, is not what is entered.

At a recent family party, I sent a text to a brother-in-law stating "Can you get me a plate?" This was referring to the lengthy food line, and the fact that he was at the front of the line. I didn't want to wait, and thought he could just grab me some food.
Now, what I typed what "Can you get me a plate?" What Samsung thought I meant was "Can you get me a slave?" I sent the message off too quickly to re-read. It's a good thing that I didn't send this to my sister-in-laws African-American boyfriend. He was further back in line.

Dear Verizon/Samsung, can we get the default word for this group of keystrokes to say something besides slave? The numbers 75283 should not generate more racial divide. I have a difficult time finding a use for the word slave in any appropriate text message.

I would hate for there to be a political fund-raiser dinner which costs "$1000 per slave" sent as a text message to all donors. Jesse Jackson would be all over that like "flies on shiv." (There it is again...damn auto-word filler)

Friday, January 16, 2009

The 7 new laws of the universe

In a recent entrecard dropping session, I ran across a site that caught my eye. (besides the massive number of blogs about pets...really pets? I just don't feel the need to dress up a hamster and take pictures of it)

This blog detailed the 7 laws of the universe. With a rough physics background, I was intrigued. I quickly learned that the laws are based on "metaphysics." (also known as--nottaphysics) I guess there are some that believe in universal laws of things like vibration, gender, motion, masturbation, and other things I don't recall.

There were also a bunch of references to hypno-therapy. I don't really have a need to quit smoking or quack like a duck on stage, so I contributed to the bounce rate of the web page and went searching for more cat blogs.

Since this time, I have thought about the "laws of the universe." The mumbo jumbo you read by these nottaphysicists will not improve your life or help you in your daily life. Below are the real 7 laws of the universe, and will greatly help your understanding of our earthly realm.

1-The law of Multiplicity:
(aka the taco bell law)
It's a little known fact that taco bell really only has 8 ingredients in their building. You'd be surprised how many different combinations of bacon, beans, cheese, and quasi-meat you can create. Using a little math, Taco Bell has found that they can create "new" items until 2024 without adding a new ingredient into the mix.
How does this help you? When they advertise a "bacon cheddar gordita crunch," think back on if you ate the "cheesy bacon double decker taco" a few years ago. Same thing...higher price.

2--Boyle's law of Walmart aisles:
Take a normal aisle at Walmart (roughly 3 feet in diameter) and try to insert 14 people who each weigh over 350 pounds (not including sweat pants or "riding carts") The increase in this pressure will decrease the volume in the aisle. If you take out 10 of these people, the pressure will decrease, but the volume will increase. Either way, there is no way you will get through the arm-rolls to buy your Frosted Flakes.

3--The law of diminishing returns:
(aka the chuck e cheese law, or the 2008-2001 401K law)
Take 20 dollars and your children to chuck e cheese. Purchase a bunch of tokens where your kids can play video games and other activities to earn tickets. Have them trade in the tickets for fun prizes and toys. Upon returning home, your 20 dollars will get you 3 monster pencil-top erasers, 6 tootsie rolls, and one kazoo. It will also get your kids diarrhea.

There is an 40% chance that the guy in the costumer in on the Sex offenders registry

4--Newtons 1st law of Wendy's:
This law states that a body in motion will tend to remain in motion unless acted upon by another force.
Wendy's is counting on this law in their drive-thru. Let me explain.
On roughly 95% of your Wendy's drive-thru visits, you will give your order, and drive up to the window. At this point they like to make the "double exchange." This is where you give the money, and they give you the food. If they have to make change, or use your credit card, you will get a sneer.
For a company that wants your business, it's like they want you to get the hell out of there. It's eerily reminiscent of the doorstep scene on my junior prom night.

5--The more for less law:
(aka the saturated fat law)
This law applies at most eating establishments and grocery stores. If you were to go to Arby's and buy a single sandwich, it would be 2.99. But they always run a deal where you can buy 2 sandwiches for 4 dollars. What if you don't want 2 sandwiches?? There is a conspiracy to make this society fat, and I'm spear-heading the class action lawsuit. I recently wrote about this in post about Big Macs here. I wish this law applied to cars and guns.

6--The law of divisibility:
This probably does not apply to everyone, but for the 4 years I worked as a waiter in college, it was prevalent.
I took home cash every night from my job at a restaurant we'll call Routback Steakblouse. My wife would make weekly deposits, and only liked to deposit the money in a number that was divisible by 5. This always left me with 4 or less dollars in my wallet.
If we had 319 dollars, she would deposit 315, and I would get 4 back. If we had 355, the whole amount was deposited, and I had to bum money off of friends, or use the law below.
7--The Credit law of inevitability:
A man enters a gas station for a Coke on 2 different days. The first day he has 5 dollars, and only purchases the Coke.
On the second visit, he has no cash, and has to use his credit/debit card. The man thinks it is silly to use a credit card for a $1.29 Coke, and so he picks up some BBQ corn nuts, 2 Whatchamacallits, and a beef stick at the register. If you are going to use a credit/debit card, you should at least make it worth your while. New total--$7.49. True dat.

While not all applicable in daily life, I hope these will guide you in your path away from nottaphysics.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

The new gold standard

As I scan through AM talk radio, I'm blasted at every frequency with the reminder that the economy is in shambles, and that we're on the highway to a great depression. Talking head Glenn Beck feels that we are headed for a crash much worse than the great depression.

While the reality of this is grim and depressing, I am the eternal optimist. I look for the positives in every situation, and I even see one were we reach this situation in our country.

I can see the future that Mr. Beck speaks of--The dollar fails, and the lack of a gold standard renders all money worthless. Governments fail, resources are impossible to get, and the hunt for food and water become our daily activity. Lawlessness rules in major cities, and those hoping to stay alive move to the country. Eventually, all major cities are destroyed by warfare and fire. Men are driving around in "Interceptors" with their dogs, and Tina Turner puts her hair in buns while baring most of her clothes. Midgets are carried around by large mentally handicapped men, and large bands of children form colonies in far reaches of the desert.
Yes....every red-blooded American male has his dream come true....We live in the movie Mad Max.

So what do I have to look forward to in the future?? Living in my Suburban? Using the skills I learn on "Man vs. Wild?" Drinking my own urine?
While these do not appeal to me in the least, I relish the opportunity to be able to say "2 men enter, 1 man leaves."

So, in this future economy where there is no dollar, and we are forced to have another standard of trade, what will be used to "barter?"
I imagine the oldest profession will still be around. Will we trade futures on prostitution? Perhaps I can "short" redheads and mutes.

If we do revert to another form of payment or standard of barter, I have a few suggestions that would enable me to be very wealthy in this new-world economy.

Here are my suggestions for the new "gold standard."

Base the new economy on Garbage pail kids or the 1987 Topps baseball set. (wood grain) There is no telling how much my "Adam Bomb" or my "New Wave Dave" would be worth.

I think I have 16 copies of Tony Larussa...those would at least garner me a small cow or 6 gallons of gas.

Home decor. If we were to use pots, plants, wicker "stuff", and iron "things", our house would be the Louvre. We'd have to build a bunker just to protect all of the stuff on our walls and shelves. It's like Michaels threw up and had diarrhea at the same time all over our house.

Chest hair. They call me the missing link--Homo Hairchestus.

This is childs play...

Illegally downloaded Mp3's. I'm an instant millionaire.

Blog posts about the economy. I think I'm up to 30 or so on this.

Little league trophies. I knew there was a reason I was saving these.

If none of these take hold......I'll need to buy a gun.

Friday, January 9, 2009

700 Billion dollars worth of Double Decker Tacos

As the impending threat of layoffs and cost-cutting measures fill up my ears on every news station, I have gone into "full-on panic mode." Every dirty nickel that I earn above and beyond my bills is going straight into our savings account.

Why even today I decided to skip going to Taco Bell for lunch. I headed home to save a little coin. While this may help my personal pocketbook, it is damning the economy as a whole.

As the IT department had my laptop for half the day, I divided my thoughts between beating my personal best at Sudoku, and who I was impacting by not eating at Taco Bell for lunch.

The following list is all groups/people who may have been impacted by the fact that I did not purchase a Nachos Supreme, Double-Decker Taco, and a large Dr. Pepper:

The owners of Taco Bell--Yum Foods. This is roughly $5.37 less towards their bottom line. I then checked out their stock price---It is ~10X the stock price of my company. I now have very little empathy for them. Plus, they also own Pizza Hut, who puts out those annoying commercials where they pass off Pizza Hut food as gourmet fare in a 5-star restaurant. The only positive thing about Pizza Hut is that they usually carry many circa 1980 video games in their parlor. Who doesn't want to play "Galaga" on a glass table-top monitor with sticky joysticks??

Every local animal shelter. When less dogs and cats are "adopted," how will we get our meat on the Nachos Supreme? Pretty soon, the shelters will fill up beyond capacity, and then we'll have to sit through more of those 14 minutes commercials of sickly-looking dogs and cats while Sarah McLachlan croons in the background. (I have no first-hand knowledge of this. A guy named Vinny told me this was the case...no need to sue me. In fact, I have no problem with hybrids...including meat)

Fewer customers means more "smoke breaks." When I used to be in the restaurant industry, "smoke breaks" generally included smoking something for "medical purposes only." More "smoke breaks" means a higher chance to give 37 dollars change back from a 5 dollar bill.

By passing up this lunch, I did not have a 10 ounce bag full of paper and plastic to throw away. If this garbage were to be totally eliminated, you'd have numberless politicians who'd have nothing to talk about. Imagine the number of lobbyists who would be out of job. I will do my duty to keep these people employed.

The group of people who write silly "quips" on the hot sauce packets may have to make cuts as I use roughly 6 hot sauces per item. I almost feel like I have a relationship with them.

The manufacturer of those "shotgun sauce canisters" will be hurting. You know what I'm talking about right? They take these caulk guns full of sour cream, guac, cheese, and sauce, and then go all "John Mclane" on my chips. The more use they get, the faster they wear out...thus leading to new purchases.
I actually think this would be a great idea at the grocery store. Sell sauces and toppings in tubes that would fit into a caulk gun. You could have a potato bar party, and get to utter the words "One pull, or two" constantly. I totally have prior art on this....mark it down.

Gwen Stefani and Akon. How else would I hear the song "The great escape" other than the Muzak version played on the Taco Bell overhead speakers? I swear that the main way I keep up with newer music is to hear the Muzak version first. Some people hate elevator music...I call it product placement.

Tums, Charmin, and makers of toilet plungers.

There is one group that will benefit from my absence. I generally try to drink my weight in Dr. Pepper on each visit. My 7th grade math tells me that it couldn't cost them more than 10-15 cents for a full cup of coke, yet I paid $1.59. That means only 10 or so refills until they aren't profitable anymore. I usually try to make it a good 15 refills on each visit.

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

An analog boat in a digital ocean

Me: (Dialing......Still Dialing.....waiting)

Computer lady: Hello. Welcome to Direct TV.


Computer lady's cousin from Mexico: Si usted no me entiende, respire pesadamente en la otra línea. Para el resto de usted, ahora presione dos.

Me: (waiting)

Computer lady returns: If you are a Direct TV customer, please say yes.

Me: (waiting)

Computer lady: I'm sorry, I didn't catch that. Please say yes if you already have Direct TV.

Me: Whoops....Yes!

CL: I'm sorry, I didn't catch that. Please press 1 if you already have Direct TV.

Me: (presses one sheepishly)

CL: If you are calling to get more information about the Digital Transition of TV transmissions, please say yes now.

Me: (waits)

CL: Our operators are experiencing high call volume at this time....

Me: (Presses 0)

CL: I'm sorry...that is an unrecognized command. Why don't you try to tell us what you want, and we'll direct your call.

Me: One million dollars and free satellite.

CL: I'm sorry, I didn't catch that. Did you want to add another satellite to your account?

Me: No. I actually want to change my programming.

CL: Can you be more specific? Why don't you try saying something like upgrade to premium package or order pay per view movies.

Me: Downgrade programming.

CL: I see. You'd like to change your base programming package. Please say the package you want.

Me: umm...I don't know what it's called (presses 0)

CL: That is not a valid option. Would you like to order the premier package?

Me: No, I don't want to order the premier package.

CL: You have selected the premier package as your base programming. Is this correct?

Me: No, that is not correct. I said I wanted to downgrade my programming package.

CL: I'm sorry, I didn't catch that. In addition to upgrading to the premier package which includes every channel on Direct TV, would you like to order a pay per view movie or event?

Me: Damnit (presses 0)

CL: I'm sorry. That is an unrecognized command. If you'd like to start over, please say start over.

Me: Start over

Computer lady's cousin from Mexico: Si usted no me entiende, respire pesadamente en la otra línea. Para el resto de usted, ahora presione dos.

Me: You've got to be kidding me. (presses 0)

CL: I'm sorry, I didn't catch that. Would you like to order a pay per view movie or event?


CL: I see you'd like to speak with a customer service associate. Your expected wait time is...(clicks and beeps)...35 minutes.

Me: You're kidding me.

CL: Did you know that most options to your account can be accessed online through Directtv.com?

Me: I just want to ask a question. I can't believe it's this difficult to ask a question that's not about a pay per view.

CL: I see you have a question regarding ordering a pay per view movie or event. Which event would you like to order?

Me: (seething) Quit trying to trick me. You are not special.

CL: You have ordered "Jerry Springer; Topless trick or treat special."

Me: I don't want Jerry Springer. If I wanted topless women, I'd just order porn. Why is this so hard?

CL: You have ordered "Hot topless women 8: We like it hard." Would you like to order another pay per view event?

Me: (hangs up)

Me: (Dialing....Dialing.)

Wife: Hello.

Me: Will you turn the TV to channel 583?

Wife: Why?

Me: Just do it.

Wife: Whoa..!! Jerry Springer is doing the Macarena with some topless hags.

Me: Stupid computer lady. I'm calling them back. Can you Tivo the rest of the show?

Monday, January 5, 2009

6 Degrees of Separation from 2009

I'm married with a gaggle of kids, don't drink, and have trouble staying up until 11pm. You can imagine how exciting my New Years Eve parties are...
In fact, the most excited I get about the new year, is either awaiting my tax return in late Feb, or continually putting 2008 on any form I fill out.

As a change for this year, I thought I'd celebrate 2009. I really wanted to get down to the nitty gritty about what 2009 was about.

Here's what I found...brace yourselves.

2009 is the International Year of Astronomy. (400th anniversary of Galileo looking into a telescope.)

2009 is the International Year of natural Fibres. (I originally thought this was a UK-spelled version of a celebration of foods like oat bran, lentils, and other foods that give you the "million-wipers" on the toilet. The UN actually just wants to raise awareness for natural fibres...like silk...completely awesome...if you're into that kind of thing.)

2009 is the International Year of Reconciliation. (No word on whether the Catholic church is sponsoring the celebration.)

We will inaugurate our 1st black President.
We will put a man in the senate who used to don a wig, and look into the mirror for his "Daily affirmation."

The longest Solar eclipse in the 21st century will take place in July. Oprah will attempt the feat the next month by using a jet pack and hope that her massive ass can completely block out the sun. Please wear special glasses.

The retail sale of incandescent light bulbs will be banned in Australia. Do they use "British-speak" down there?? If so, would they be termed light bulbes?

Other events that I predict to happen are:

Yankees move to a new stadium...only to not make the playoffs.
Cowboys move to a new stadium...only to not make the playoffs.
Ryan Secrist will come out of the closet.
Saturday Night Live will be terrible. (too late...already there)
There is a 30% chance that I get laid off from my job.
There is a 30% chance that I become a male prostitute.

As you can see, 2009 looks to be pretty lame. In order to make 2009 feel a little better about itself, I wanted to show it that it will be no worse than any other person/year. As proof, I give the "6 degrees of separation of 2009 from Kevin Bacon." 2009...you're good enough, smart enough, and doggone it..people like you.


1---->>>>2009 squared is

2---->>>>The sum of all integers in 4036081 is


3---->>>>The number 22 is included in the film title

Catch 22 with Alan Arkin

4---->>>>Alan Arkin was in "Rendition" with

Reese Witherspoon

5---->>>>Reese Witherspoon was in "Freeway" with

Keifer Sutherland

6---->>>>Keifer was in "A few good men" with....

Kevin Bacon

That was fun...and insightful. Let's try it again with another random object.
How about Ricky (Rickey) Henderson.

Ricky Henderson

1---->>>>Played in 1989 with

Mark Mcgwire

2---->>>>Mcgwire famously played as one half of the "Bash Brothers" in Oakland alongside

Jose Canseco

3---->>>>Jose was in the "Surreal Life 5" with

Bronson Pinchot

4---->>>>Pinchot's relatively short film career included Courage under Fire with

Meg Ryan

5---->>>>Before Ryan bared all in a recent film, she starred in a stinker called "Joe versus the Volcano" with

Tom Hanks

6---->>>>Tom Hanks starred in Apollo 13 along with

Kevin Bacon

If anyone can involve 2009, Jenna Jameson, and Yul Brynner in a chain to Kevin Bacon, I would be impressed.

Here's to you 2009...now where's my tax return??!!

Saturday, January 3, 2009

How sweet it is.....

Can the Utes get some AP voting love?? What else do they have to prove??

Yes...there were 8...count'em 8 sacks buddy. How's that for an undersized, small Ute defensive line?? Booyah!!

Thursday, January 1, 2009

Things I did while on a blogging break

Watched "Polar Express" with my kids 14 times.

Ate my weight in Reese's peanut butter cups.

Caught up on some Tivo watching. (Chuck and Dexter are 2 truly fabulous shows)

Quit writing for Scrivel.com. (I am spread too thin as it is...and by thin, I don't mean my gut)

Wrote some kick-ass reviews on Review-Spew.com. (Is it possible to have blog envy of another one of my own blogs?)

Didn't read many blogs---although I started picking things back up and found an interesting bit on Nun Porn. (Sick freak would be an understatement to describe TNO)

Contemplated the purpose of arm-pit hair.

Played Guitar Hero "World Tour" until my eyeballs hurt, and carpal tunnel set in.

Wondered why I even play fantasy football as I never....EVER win.

Prepared myself mentally in case my Utes get blown out by Alabama.

Caught up on 25% of my work. (I could have all the time in the world, and never catch up.)

Came to the realization that I will never be rich working as an engineer, and that I was 5 years too late for stock options to ever make a difference.

Wondered how those that are irresponsible with saving money, careless with finances, and foolish when buying a home, should benefit while I continue to make every payment in my life on-time still work till May to pay Uncle Sam.

Drank my weight in Coca Cola.

Wrote down about 20 humorous blog ideas. Then I returned to my notes, only to find that I don't even have a clue what half of them mean. You'd think that I'd put some other notes with the topic in case my memory failed me. But no...I just have a single line with "Flatulence cameras." I may be schizo.

Stop by often as I'm back on a regular posting schedule.

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