Friday, October 31, 2008

Nightmare on my street

You're getting jack on here today....but I still have a new post.
You'll just have to meander on over to scrivel.com to take a look. It's Halloween-related, and may be worth a chuckle or two. Take a look HERE.

Speaking of nightmares....
Some of you may have read my past post on my sleeping problems. Last night I had a nightmare that was so real, I wouldn't be surprised if it came true.
I'm a huge University of Utah football fan. As some may know, we're #10 in the most recent BCS standings. For a non-BCS school to gain entry into the BCS bowls, you pretty much have to go undefeated, so a loss would put us in some crappy bowl in Forth Worth or Boise.


Saturday, we're in Albuquerque to play the University of New Mexico. Despite all the trailer parks, and meth labs, UNM has always given us troubles in football.
In my dream, I watched us go down to UNM 24-10. Terrible.
Just an FYI, this coming Thursday, we play at home against TCU. Should be a good one with 2 top 15 teams.

If you're wandering around the blogosphere this weekend, you should go check out a new site that I'm affiliated with. www.review-spew.com
I think it'll be a great site which reviews anything and everything...along with some humor.
The debut of the site is tomorrow. (Nov 1st) Over the next few days there will be a few new posts with new reviews.

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Taco Bell delivers....I think....

The world series is fantastic. Regardless of the teams involved (as long as its not the Dodgers) I'm always interested, and watch every game.
This year was no exception, and although I pulled for the Devil Rays, I wasn't terribly upset that the Phils pulled it out.

One moment that took me by surprise, was the fact that Taco Bell decided to give all America a free taco if there were a stolen base. Given the fact that the Rays are base-thief extraordinaires, I felt the chances were pretty good that I'd get a taco. I go there once every week or so for lunch, and a free taco just sweetens the deal.

Game 1--Jason Bartlett swipes second base, and free tacos for everyone!!!

And then came the catch.

You couldn't just walk in the next day to get a free taco. They set up specific times and dates when the tacos were given out. They were not opportune times, and I didn't feel like fighting college students and homeless people in a line akin to "black Friday" at Kohls.

I mean---c'mon. Look at the advertisement from Taco Bell. Read the disclaimer at the bottom. How bad did they truly want to give out free tacos anyway?? (you can click picture to enlarge)


Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Keep your arms and legs in the ride at all times

Despite the market doing this:




My 401K is more like this:



My fund managers must have invested in the Mccain campaign.

And the end result is always the same....I puke at the end of the ride.

Monday, October 27, 2008

Escape from H.S.

I learned quickly that you don't want to stand out in High School as a Sophomore. Our Seniors had a tradition of "pushing pennies." They'd drop a penny on the floor of our 108 year old High School, and you'd have to push it with your nose until they were satisfied. (this "tradition" was outlawed my senior year...along with hats, bandanas, and skipping class more than 3 times before you'd receive a failing grade in that class...grrrr)

Wallflowers generally weren't picked to "push a penny." They liked to pick on a different breed. Perhaps you were too loud, way too nerdy, or just got in their way.
Keep your head down, don't walk through their hall too often, and you were OK.

I was a little kid in 10th grade. I was a late bloomer, fresh into puberty. Perhaps 5'6". Maybe 125 pounds. I truly had the fear that I'd get stuffed in my locker at any time. Not a completely enjoyable time in my life.

My Biology class was in a separate building from the main campus. You had to walk a short distance through "blue collar wasteland" to get to the building. Along the way, you'd pass the auto shop gang, photography pack, and then finally you'd wade through the blur of the FFA crew.
They'd all park their pickup trucks along the building and just hang out all day. Did they have class? Who knows.
All I know, is that besides wading through old Skoal spit, you needed to watch out for these shit-kickers. They generally weren't a friendly bunch.


The only cowboys I truly like


One snowy afternoon, I was walking along with a bunch of people to the AG building. (where my biology class was located) I assumed the head-down, eyes averted position. Unfortunately, this was not my lucky day.
Why me?? Who knows. Perhaps it was because I looked like Paul from the wonder years. Perhaps it was apparent in my brisk walk that I wanted nothing to do with these cowpunchers.

Whatever it was, the end result was a snowball in the gut.

I froze.

Cowboy #1 in the Ford F150: What are you looking at?
Me: (I was truly looking at the ground) Nothing.
Cowboy #2 leaning on his Subaru Brat: Were you looking at his girl?
Me: (Frantically planning my escape route) No.
Cowboy #1's girlfriend wearing pants far too tight for any human being: You looking at me?
Me: (Contemplating dropping my backpack to get a fast start) No.
Cowboy #1: What's your problem? First you're looking at her, now you think she's ugly?
Me: (Wondering how his logic brought him to this conclusion) No...I'm just going to class.

I noticed now that the group of people that were walking near me had all entered the building, and I was all alone.
It was then that the fight or flight gene took over.

I ran.

Amid yells of "we're waiting for you to get out of class, and then kicking your ass," and a hail-storm of snowballs, I reached the door in relative safety.

I was safe...or so I thought.

My hand reached my pocket for the note. It was from my mom, and gave me permission to leave this class early in order to make it to an orthodontist appointment. My mom was going to be waiting in the front of the school in 15 minutes.

My heart raced. Do I skip the appointment? Cell phones were still larger than a loaf of bread at this time, so I couldn't call her. I had to meet my mom in the front of the school or they'd send
"school officials" looking for me. That would look REALLY cool to be escorted out by the Vice-Principal.

I gave the note to the teacher, and walked out of his classroom. His room bordered the Wood shop, and behind the building were unused animal pens. There truly was only 1 entrance/exit to this building.

I crept towards the exit door, and my fears were confirmed. The parking lot was still riddled with sheep-bangers, and I had to pass right by them. My mind raced as I thought of another option. I considered getting the teacher, and having him talk to the bullies. I'm sure that would go over well with my peers. What kid with a teacher body-guard wouldn't be a target in the future?

So, I decided to look for another exit.

There were big dual doors that led outside. These must have been to get equipment into the wood shop. Unfortunately, these were padlocked.
Time was ticking by. I had to be out front in 5 minutes.

So I pushed further into the beast.

This building was only 1 level, but I noticed a catwalk around the perimeter of a large room that housed equipment.

And then my inner Axel Foley took over. (Jack Bauer hadn't been invented yet)


I found an emergency ladder that led to the catwalk. I pushed a table over to reach it.

Walking the catwalk, I found a group of windows that led outside. Luckily, I was able to get one open. Once open, I found another stumbling block. The windows opened up directly to a 20 foot drop. My only chance of escape was a 6 inch ledge under the windows that went around the perimeter of the building.
I took a step into the cold winter air, and onto the ledge. I didn't know where I was going, but realized that I couldn't stop.

After side-stepping the ledge for about 20 feet, I made my way to the corner of the building. My hands burned as I held fast onto the cracks of the bricks. I could see freedom. Unfortunately, it was a 20 foot drop until I was home free.
I did have one option. After turning the corner on the ledge, a parking lot bordered this side of the building.

Salvation waited in the form of a 1988 Ford Mustang GT 5.0.

Knowing that my mom was waiting out front, I decided to act. I jumped....and landed feet-first onto the hood of the cherry red mustang.

I did a movie-like roll onto the snow-covered ground, and felt fine. No broken bones. I channeled my inner Carl Lewis, and sprinted to the front of the school, leaving those Cow-douches behind.

Luckily, they seemed to forget the earlier encounter for the rest of that semester. My wall-flower status was once again reinstated.

I'd like to say that the Mustang looked no worse for wear....but I can't. I just hope that whomever was the owner of the car wasn't too upset, as he'd saved the life of a young boy.

The next week, our teacher mentioned that someone had been spotted climbing on the side of the building by another teacher the previous week. He warned us of the danger, and said that the student had not been identified. They'd never suspect a wallflower.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

The List.......of change

I realize that everyone has "the list."
This mythical group of 5 celebrities that one would "totally hook up with" if given the chance.
I searched high and low for rules that may pertain to a list, but found no concrete evidence on wikipedia. (which is gospel)
I did find a site which conducts a "fantasy draft" of hot women. Their list of rules was longer than the constitution of the United States. I believe this group of men spend many nights at home playing Warcraft.

I think there needs to be a few ground-rules if you have one of these lists.

-They must be a b-list celebrity or higher. By placing your next-door neighbor on the list, you're asking for marital problems. If you're living next door to a b-level celebrity, then you probably aren't reading my blog.
Obviously an A-list celebrity wouldn't take you for more than the coffee guy, but it's possible that if you met Daniel Baldwin in a bar, you'd have a real shot at going home with him. Don't set your sights too low. (male or female)

-Celebrity impersonators are off limits. Just because somebody looks and acts like someone else....doesn't mean that they are who they say they are. Ask Eddie Murphy.

-For those of you who put your spouse in all 5 slots, give me a break....we're just playing a stupid little game.

-There should be some sort of semi-permanence to the list. You shouldn't be able to change and rotate people every 6 months on a whim. This fickle attitude leads to temporary mistakes. (like 1997, where 68% of lists had Baby Spice at #3)
There should be some sort of "mulligan" that you can implement on a semi-regular basis though.
I think back to my child-hood. I had no idea about a list, but I do know there were women on movies and TV that "opened my eyes" a little wider.
Below were my top 5 hottest women growing up. As you can see, my list needs some repair...perhaps a new head gasket.

#5 Mary Ann from Gilligans Island. (Dawn Wells)

As a kid, I watched re-runs of this show. Mary Ann was like the motherly hotty on the island. Whoa...Oedipus complex alert.

Take a look in her recent mug shot. I wouldn't be surprised to see this lady in a commercial selling brake pads.

#4 Brigitte Nielson
Between Red Sonja and Rocky 4, I was taken aback. Who was this Amazonian beauty with the strange accent?


Have you seen her now? Even Flava Flav has a hard time looking at her. Day-old Danish anyone??


#3 Punky Brewster (Soleil Moon Frye)
I never missed this show, and had the biggest crush on her. Cute pig-tails.
Ok...she stays on the list.

#2 Kelly Lebrock
Every boy in the 80's felt as I did. Seeing her appear for the first time in underwear made me feel similar to when I climbed the rope in gym. She was the first "naughty girl" I'd ever seen.
Nothing could resist her...including bacon double cheeseburgers.
#1 Laura Ingalls Wilder
I've seen every episode of this show multiple times. It's in my top 5 favorite shows ever. I was truly in love with Laura Ingalls Wilder. I hated that Nellie.
The real Laura Ingalls Wilder.
You want to know who's in my list now??
1-Wife
2-Hot Wife
3-Super hot wife
4-Cool Wife
5-Wife that actually finds me attractive

I'm a nerd.

Monday, October 20, 2008

An aMUSEing twilight's last gleam

It's not very often that I pick up a "new band" in my musical listening repertoire. As you can see in my top 5 albums, I still enjoy the crowings of Billy Corgan and the Smashing Pumpkins. I don't usually listen to FM radio stations, (although my fine town has a good one that I like) so I don't hear much "new music." And the new music I do hear doesn't usually strike a chord with me.

A while ago, my brother gave me a few recommendations for new bands that I could "try on for size." He suggested Travis, Muse, and I don't remember the 3rd. Based on his list, I told him that I already had my fill of whiny British bands with Coldplay, and was still feeling the after-effects of depression from Oasis in years past. He curtly let me know that he would not be recommending any other music to me in the future.

I downloaded a couple albums by Muse, and promptly left them in an unknown folder on a backup drive somewhere in the depths of my PC. Later, on a "clean-up" of my hard drives, I found the music and threw it on my Zune. (fyi..this is the IPOD for people who are cheap) Wow, wow, and triple wow. As I've mentioned before, this band is sky-rocketing up the chart of my "favorites."


In my quest to let the world know how great I thought this band was, I realized that somebody had beaten me to it.

Stephanie Meyer.

Who?? Oh...if you're a female, you know exactly who I'm talking about. Turns out, that Meyer took inspiration from the music of Muse while writing her world-famous Twilight series. This in itself is not a bad thing. She seems like a nice lady who really likes krispy kremes, and made a jillion dollars writing books. Good on her.
The irritating thing, is that it appears that many of her fans (I'll refer to them as Ed-heads from here on out) also took a liking to the band.
Why is it bad that the Ed-heads also like the same band I do? (A similar group also stole Ben Folds from me, but Ben also contributed to the demise)

If you were to randomly surf a blogger blog, 1 out of every 3 would have some sort of "homage" to Edward on the front page. Rather than demean a single blog by giving the link, I'll demean them all and post my own "pretender Twilight post."

Holy freak!!! I totally just finished the new Twilight book in 27 hours!! I was way tired, and my DH was waaay bugged that he couldn't go to the gym because he had to watch the kids. I think he was little mad:)

It was way worth it though. The only time I stopped reading was to use the restroom. Gross on bringing the book in the bathroom. Germ City!!!


I only cried once, but totally got teary-eyed like 58 times thinking about the love between Edward and Bella.
I don't know what I'm going to do now that I'm finished with the book. I've watched the movie trailer like 25 times, and will be at the theater for the 12:01 show.

Whoever is interested,
we're thinking about traveling to Phoenix for a speech by Meyer. I will like totally be so excited to see her in person. I really want to ask how she knows me personally and how the love between Edward and Bella was the most perfect thing ever!!!

I gotta go. DH a
nd the kids are ready to go the cheesecake factory. We're celebrating his promotion!! His down-line is exploding!!!

I realize that this does not completely describe all Twilight/Muse fans....and if a large number of you think I'm wrong, perhaps you hire a new PR firm.

Completely grounded women are also wrapped up in this fictional male character. (The perfect man...written by a woman)

My sister (whom is very normal and grounded) was driving with her husband and kids one day. Her husband noticed her looking ponderously out the window and asked her what was wrong.
She stated, "I'm just thinking about Edward."

My wife (who is the most normal person I know in this world) even got wrapped up in the books. She didn't have the fascination that other women did, but still enjoyed the books. Sometimes she'd be reading as we were going to bed, and EVERY single time that I'd ask her what was going on in the book, she'd say: "They're just talking."
I've seen this movie. It's called "Lost in Translation." Do you want to know what happens in that movie? Talking....lots of talking. This precedes some more talking, and for fun you can throw in some drinking...followed by talking.

I'm completely off the main point, but the rant has momentum, and cannot be stopped.

For years, two of my favorite shows were "Angel" and "Buffy the Vampire Slayer." The amount of ridicule that I received for liking these shows was enormous. Usually it would start with
"What are those stupid vampire shows you like so much?," and would go down-hill from there.
Perhaps I paid 5 bucks a month just to get a WB/UPN affiliate to watch a vampire dramas. Anything Joss Whedon does is gold...c'mon.

And yet, not 10 years later, the same women who thought it was so funny that I liked stupid vampire shows are counting down the days until the vampire movie release. (I will NOT be going to the movie....unless it has Corey Haim and Corey Feldman in it)


I've rationally thought about this, and I think I understand.
Ed-heads don't really like Muse. In fact, they don't even really like Vampires. They like the love story between the main characters.
You could have placed the love story in a fish processing plant in Alaska with a mer-man who visits a girl that loves to pull out fish guts. You could have called it "Surflight."

Further evidence.

Here are a group of Twilight fans.


Here is a fan of vampires.


Here are a bunch of fans at a Muse concert.


The only reason I'd see the first group of women at a Muse concert, is to sit outside helping their daughters sell girl-scout cookies. (mmm tagalongs)

From now on, I'll leave the Ed-heads alone. I'll let them neglect their kids while reading the books on top of a running washing machine to their hearts content. Oh...and Ed marries Bella, knocks her up, turns her into a vampire, and they have a non-vampire kid.
I saw this crap many years ago on Angel. Suckers.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Unleash your tiger in the bathroom

I use two restrooms at my current job. The closer one is for "stand-up" duties, and I trek a little further to a much more desirable bathroom for my heavy lifting. (my quaint single-stall, double-urinal that I've mentioned here)

I don't use the closer bathroom for all my bathroom needs because there are things that are bothersome to me.

First of all, the toilet seat was designed by an Asian engineer with deep-seeded anger towards tall people. The seat is so low that your knees end up near your cheeks.
Good luck trying to pull a half-mast approach with your pants. In order to get in sumo stretch, the pants have to go down to the ankles.
Rather than the average 26 minutes until my legs fall asleep, it only takes 2 or 3 in this position. I won't even go into the cleanup under these circumstances.

Secondly, it is really old. And I mean REALLY old. The building is over 40 years old, and I think this restroom was an old out-house that they built around way back when.
There are missing wall tiles, paint completely cracked and peeling away, and the counter-tops have that 1960's sparkly glitter look. The whole room kind of creeps me out.

And lastly, my experience has led me to believe that hand-washing is more scarce in this bathroom than the other. I wouldn't even wager a guess as to the reason, but I don't care. I'm sick of carrying paper towels back to my office because I won't touch the handle.

One thing this bathroom has in spades is "personality." It's not like women's restroom personality. I've seen the inside of a few women's restrooms....they're like the green room for the Carson Daly show. (the lack of the vegetable spread only warrants a mid-major talk show)
Couches, soft music, tanning beds, free massage...it's all in there.


What does my "That 70's bathroom" have that none of the others do? Look below for the pictures I snapped on my way out the other day.





There's a couple things I'm unclear on---I'm not sure if these pictures would make Siegfried and Roy giddy, or if they've just faded so that everything looks white...??

These are on your way out, and seem to say--Go get em Tiger--on your way out.

If these had titles, what would be the second picture be?? Stay away from my Heineken!!??

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

The hair up there


Oh yes....Neil Diamond is on a world tour. I'd say that this may be his last ever---but I truly hope that he is immortal.

December 19th he comes to Salt Lake City, Utah. This is the closest venue to my small town. I aim to be there.

In fact, I've added a donation button on the right-hand side of the blog. (look for the sexy face of Neil)
This is not to buy me a ticket to the concert....no....that would be stupid.
This donation is to buy me a pink sequin shirt that I can wear to the concert. And yes....I will partake in the 3-button rule. (3 buttons undone)


In honor of this event, I will dedicate at least one day a week to Neil Diamond videos. And for you smart-asses, this is not tongue in cheek. How would the elevator fill their dead air with music without Neil?? What would people play when you go on hold on the phone without Neil??
What the Hell would they play on the 4th of July without Neil??

Monday, October 13, 2008

Water play made easy

For those of you who are in the midst of Christmas shopping already, may I suggest picking up this gem for your kids:








For those without children that have already purchased the "toy with the toy," may I suggest you call your parole officer immediately.



It's been rumored that these are tough to find as they sell out quickly. I would assume that this recent purchase (seen below) has something to do with the shortage.




Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Punch Drunk Flab


I was alone this weekend. The wife took the kids to the Grandparents.

I was alone...and the demons spoke to me.

C'mon...just a little...it won't hurt anyone. Nobody will know.

So....I broke down...and had a little. And that little turned into a binge. I couldn't stop myself. You know how it is when your brain loses control.

I was useless this weekend. I had a few things in mind that I wanted to accomplish, but didn't even touch them.

Jack Daniels?? Captain Morgans?? Cuervo 151??

Nope...I turned a much more addictive drug---FOOD!!
I was knee-deep in sour cream, enchilada sauce, coca cola, cookies. The fat grams ingested along with empty calories from junk food defy all description.

I've been staying away from these foods for a little while, and thought I had turned into a better man.

There is a constant battle inside me. My body is always trying to trick my brain into eating foods that I shouldn't. Until now, my brain has been the victor....not this weekend.

A review of my daily activities show just how depraved I had become:

FRIDAY

4:30 PM: My body begins teasing my brain with thoughts of cheese covered tater tots. My brain pushes the thought aside to finish out the work day. The seed has been planted.

5:30 PM: Drive home. Brain tells body to stop for a deli sandwich. Body says that McDonald's has a chicken breast sandwich that is low in fat grams. Brain compromises and has body pull into drive-thru.

5:32 PM: Body speaks out of turn and orders a double cheeseburger...with french fries and a regular Coke. Brain says that we won't eat the fries in protest.

5:36 PM: Fries are gone before car hits the driveway.

5:48 PM: Brain is in an altered state after getting so many fat grams in such a short amount of time. Body takes advantage and starts the hunt for some sort of sweet thing in the house.

6:30 PM: Body convinces Brain to watch a movie. Pop in "Saw 3."

10:47 PM: Body also convinced Brain to watch "Live free or Die Hard." No movement for 4 hours except to adjust volume on remote.

10:54 PM: Brain and Body compromise on a bowl of cereal. Brain is semi-happy that the milk is 1%. Body is happy as the cereal is Cinnamon Toast Crunch.

11:13 PM: Brain says to go sleep. Body tricks Brain into thinking "Call of Duty 4" is exercise. Begin the video games.

1:37 AM: Both exhausted from blowing heads off of 13 year old kids on the internet, Brain and Body go to bed.

2:34 AM: Wake up in a state of fear.

3:05 AM: Wake up in a panic.

4:38 AM: Wake up to investigate loud noises.

SATURDAY

8:14 AM: Brain can sleep no longer, but Body will punish Brain as it is exhausted.

9:53 AM: Body finally lets Brain leave bed.

11:34 AM: After sitting on couch watching "college gameday," both decide that they are hungry. Body is furious as McDonalds is no longer serving Mcgriddles. Both head to Sonic. Body convinces Brain to get a breakfast burrito, tater tots, and a regular coke.

11:59 AM: Brain and Body have now merged into one personality, hell-bent on ingesting every food item available, while keeping bodily movement to a minimum.

4:38 PM: After watching college football for over 4 hours, the need to urinate arises. The debate as whether to use the restroom, or pee in the empty Sonic cup is presented. The fear of spousal wrath if a spill were to occur leads to using the toilet.

4:41 PM: Time for 2 cheese-sticks, and BBQ potato chips. 20 oz coke to wash down.

4:53 PM: College football is too lively for the eyes. The desire for a more sedated tv experience occurs. Watch "Lady in the Water."

7:03 PM: After sleeping through half of "Lady in the Water," the need for more food comes into play.

7:34 PM: Head towards Mexican restaurant. Confirm a drive-thru, and order LARGE Chili Relleno w/ Rice and beans. 3 large Chili's stuffed with pepper jack cheese, deep fried, and then covered with more cheese and sauce. Also order chips/salsa at the last minute.

7:39 PM: Almost drop food as it weighs north of 4 pounds.

8:09 PM: Body begins to have the shakes, as a realistic 190 fat grams were ingested. Lay in a pool of guilt on couch as grease still covers half of face.

8:15 PM: Get down on knees and pray to God for forgiveness. Swear that this will never happen again.

9:03 PM: Forget promise to God, and find bag half full of Grandma's oatmeal cookies.

9:11 PM: Bag is now empty, along with another 20 oz coca cola.

12:58 AM: After watching "21" and the latest Pirates of the Caribbean movie, body heads toward fridge. Only vegetables and cold cut meats are found.

1:09 AM: Finish eating roast beef cold cuts. Head to bed. Sleep soundly. Scale shows a 6 pound gain in 2 days.

SUNDAY

9:58 AM: Wake up.

11:05 AM: Get out of bed.

1:35 PM: After watching NFL for a few hours, the call comes from the wife that she is about 30 minutes from home.

1:38 PM: Frantically take quick shower.

1:48 PM: Clean up all traces of recent food episodes.

1:57 PM: After cursory cleaning, sit down on couch and relax.

2:03 PM: Family home....none the wiser.



All this work on my diet...only to be ruined in 2 days. My brain and body are still separating, and I think I'm backed up because of the large amounts of cheese I ingested.

I gotta go...I need to get a 6" Subway club with no cheese or sauces.

Monday, October 6, 2008

Who is that masked man???

I'm taking a mulligan on a few of the things I had to chose when I started up this blog. Right off the bat, they want you to name your blog, choose your web address, and then pick a profile name. After a little while, you don't want to change any of this, as you have built up links, and developed a brand name. (albeit, my brand name is only known by 10's)

I pondered on the name of my blog, and the web address, and was---and still am happy with my choice. The thinly veiled Phil Hendrie reference will probably only be caught by a few.

But I'm not happy with my profile name. The Hypocritical One is stupid. It's as chic as John Mccain's hair.

I originally started this blog for ranting purposes. There were so many things that I felt the world needed to fix, and I was going to be a "humorous catalyst for change." I chose the Hypocritical one, as I would be telling others to "do as I say, and not as I do." It seemed funny at the time. I quickly realized that there were 23 thousand other blog just like it on the web...so when push came to shove, I shelved that idea.
I also quickly learned that I just liked to write plain humor, and didn't have the cajones to call out my fellow man.

In addition, I have another blog venture that is coming out shortly, and having the name hypocritical one just wouldn't fit the profile.

So....I have decided to use my real name on this blog.

I hemmed and hawed over this decision for the last month. Mainly, I did not want to be recognized by any co-workers, or people whom I may have offended in a lame attempt to produce humor at their expense.

Luckily, I haven't written much in here that would offend others, and would not be ashamed for them to see most of what I have written. (there are a couple people who may be upset....and those posts will be edited shortly)

Most of my visitors are probably family anyway...so I don't have to hide anything from them.
No need to hide from my wife in the bathroom in order to blog in my spare time.

Secondly, I didn't want to put a picture of myself up here, as there is a "negative movie-star" connotation with my face. Confused?? Let me explain....

Ever since I've been a little kid, people have come up to me and said:

"You look like _____________." And then they would name some actor. Now, most people would consider this a good thing.

Not me.

Why?

Because the majority of the time, the actor who I'm being compared to, would not grace the cover of GQ magazine in the near future.

For your viewing pleasure, and to further humiliate myself on this blog in order to garner laughs, I give you the Matt movie-star lookalike list.

Yeah...that's me....I have 5 o'clock shadow the instant I shave...and a big nose--get over it.


Let's start with the VERY FEW positive lookalikes.

I am most often compared to Zach Braff. People say I have the same mannerisms, and humor that he has in Scrubs....so maybe I should be compared to Dr. Dorian.


The only other semi-attractive celebrity that I have been compared to, is a man who once threw up on people, and ate their guts.



We now move on to the much larger list of celebrities...and these are not positive.

In fact, the very first celebrity that I was compared to was Paul from the Wonder Years. I will never forgive Holly G. for branding me in the 8th grade. You ever see an 8th grade boy cry?? Oh I did...on my pillow nightly for looking like him.



Who is the weirdest celeb I've been compared to?? Why...none other than a cartoon character. I guess I'm lucky it wasn't Porky Pig.


You'd think these were my enemies destroying my self-esteem, but in fact, it was most often my friends. In fact, my best friend in the world compared me to that goofy looking guy Grant Heslov from "Dante's Peak." It almost broke up our friendship.



Just when you think it can't get much worse, along comes another douche-a-riffic person to push my fragile self-image further down the chute in my own personal hell. This one particularly stung, as it was from one of my favorite shows. Mind you.....I was compared to Corporal Klinger based on LOOKS alone.


And finally...you'd think as I got older, that I wouldn't have to deal with this type of ridicule. You'd think that as people got more mature, that they'd stop the mental torture. But----just last year, a portly co-worker laid down the gauntlet, and brought me to a completely new low. You might as well bend me over in a prison cell than compare me to the next celeb.


I seem to notice a pattern here.....Dark hair....potentially middle eastern or Jewish....big nose.....BOOM---A match!!!

Feel free to point out any others that I may have missed. I'm sure that I'll get hit with the comparison someday, so it might as well get done here. My fragile psyche is much less fragile than it once was.
In addition, this ridicule has turned me into one mean bastard when I choose to. Most that mock me in person will leave with their tail behind their legs....but alas, I am not an internet tough guy, so mock away.

I gotta go....News radio is about to start.

Thursday, October 2, 2008

Reason #31 why you shouldn't shop at the Wal-marts....

I don't intentionally pick on this store. Ok...perhaps I do. But it completely justified.


For any Walmart employees that may read this...I'm sure it's not your fault. All these reasons why one shouldn't shop at your establishment are really a by-product of your patrons---not of the store itself. Unfortunately, the Walmart stereotype usually holds true.
None of my terrible shopping experiences occur at Nordstrom. Although I may not receive any service at this store because I am actually wearing Levi instead of Diesel jeans, I probably won't see a customer sniffing the mens underwear. (Although, I wouldn't be surprised if the dude working at the makeup counter is a sniffer.)

The prices are cheap at Walmart. It's business....and they are raking in the bajillions. It still doesn't explain why I see open, empty 12 ounce cans of soda sitting in random places every time I'm there. I suppose its like the candy bins at old-time grocery stores....everyone's a grazer. The soda pop must be a popular draw as well for the grazing community.

If they'd make online shopping available, I'd be interested in continuing my patronage. I suppose for old-time sakes, they could throw in a pop-up ad of someone with 14 stomach rolls wearing crocs.






A few years ago, my wife was shopping there with our 2 young daughters. They were 4 and 1 respectively. She was in the "birthday" aisle looking for some party supplies.

True to the Walmart stereotype, the kids started fighting a little while sitting in the cart. Perhaps they were a little loud, but knowing my wife, she didn't let the decibel level reach epic proportions.

As she got the girls settled down, she heard a yell from the next aisle.



Apparently Senseless Stranger: Shut that kid up!!!

Wife: (to herself) Is he talking to me??

ASS: (louder) You need to smack that kids face!!

Stranger lady in same aisle as my wife: Is he talking to you??

Wife: (heart rate increasing) I don't know.

ASS: I said, shut that kid up!!


Younger daughter starts crying louder sensing the rising tension.


ASS: Did you hear me??? Smack that kid in the face!!

Wife: (getting hot under the collar)
Stranger lady: (to ASS) Leave her alone!

ASS: Shut the kid up....NOW!!

When confrontation arises, the "fight or flight" takes over in every person. Had another male been in the area, I'm sure there would have been a fist-fight between the vacuum bags and irons. With women (especially when you have kids with you), it's hard to throw down the gauntlet with a unseen male stranger.

She just stood there....unsure of what to do. What if she tried to high-tail it out of the aisle. She could run right into him...he might get physical. Plus the mustard from his Big Bacon Classic at Wendy's that was stuck in his mustache could cause blinding of the eyes if she got too close.

Should she call 911? That wouldn't do any good. Walmart is like "Old town" in Sin City. The cops don't venture there.

Should she find an employee? The odds of finding one of the 8 employees that are intermingled with the 1723 patrons would be as successful as a man trying to pee into the water in the middle of the night without turning the light on. (how do you like all those prepositional phrases you fiends!!??)


So she waited....the stranger lady stood with her bravely.


The man passed by a minute later, with a scowl on his face. He briefly looked down the aisle, and then sheepishly towards his cart. He knew that my wife was ready to kick his ass. He was only tough with a bunch of Rubbermaid totes separating himself from my wife. This man was an internet tough guy...in real life.

I'm sure he high-tailed it out of the store after buying a carton of Pall Malls.

I told my wife that she should have reported him to store management. She didn't think they'd do anything to him. She was probably right. Even if they kicked him out, he'd just cut off the mullet, and put on a different color tank top before coming back.
If you thought this was slightly funny, go check out my new post at scrivel.com. If this wasn't funny, then go check out the scrivel post, and let me know which is more unfunny.

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

THO turns 100....posts

In honor of my 100th post, I'm considering breaking my diet, and getting a big plate of Mandarin Chicken and pork fried rice. It sounds so beautifully delicious. Alas...I'll probably end up at some crappy sandwich place getting turkey with no cheese or dressing...and wash it down with water. I can honestly say that I am less happy when eating healthy. There is a reason Santa Claus is jolly...he's fat.


Here is a short list of little-known facts about the author of this blog. While not all are funny, perhaps you may find some interesting and insightful.


-I have never been in an actual fight. When I was 11, a scuffle broke out between my older cousin and another guy at the mall. His cohort gave me a shove in the gut, and then we both turned back towards the fight. It was right outside the JC Penney, and an employee came and broke it up. I claimed for years that I "won" the fight.


-11 years ago, I was barefoot water-skiing. A particularly nasty crash at 42 mph had me tumbling through the water, when I heard a pop in my knee. I couldn't put weight on the knee for 3 weeks. Being young and stupid, I thought it would heal on its own. It did....9 months later. I couldn't play any sports, or exercise without pain. I still feel a little wince every now and again when I play basketball.



-I am a fairly decent piano player. With practice, I can play pieces by most composers...except Chopin.


-I have never been to the following states:
Hawaii, Mississippi, Alabama, Georgia, Florida, South Carolina, Tennessee, North Carolina, Maine, New Hampshire, Vermont.
Of all the cities I have visited or lived, Seattle was the prettiest and Philadelphia was the trashiest.


-The first girl I ever kissed was my cousin. In fact, she is not the only cousin I've kissed. Interestingly enough, they both kissed me. Am I bragging? I'm a freak!


-The first concert I ever attended was The Cure in 1989. It was terrible.



The best concert ever attended was Ben Folds Five in 1998 in a small club. (front row of about 200 people)
The worst concert ever attended was Crosby Stills and Nash in an outdoor venue in 1997. Crosby was sick, so Stills and Nash tried to keep the middle aged fans happy. What truly was making everyone happy was the marijuana smoke contact high.
The most I've paid for a concert was U2--Popmart tour--57 bucks. I could have listened to it on my radio with my brother's head in front of me for free and got the same effect.




-I have never received a ticket. In fact, I have only been pulled over 2 times in my life. Once for expired registration, and the other for driving the wrong way on a one-way. (don't ask)


-I am truly talented at Ping-Pong. As mediocre as I am in most things in my life, I excel at table tennis. Am I bragging again? I'm a total freak!!


-I have a voracious appetite for reading. I read books very quickly as I don't read individual sentences. I look at paragraphs as a whole, and "soak it all in" before moving to the next one. Dialogue makes that strategy kind of tough.
The problem with this, is that I don't remember much detail in many books I read. I've re-read 50-100 pages of books that I've already read until I figure out I know the ending to the story.


-Top 5 albums of all-time:



1-Radiohead - OK Computer
2-Foo Fighters - The Colour and the Shape
3-Smashing Pumpkins - Siamese Dream
4-Ben Folds Five - Whatever and ever Amen
5-Midnight Oil - Earth and Sun and Moon

Other bands receiving consideration (Coldplay, Muse, Johnny Cash, U2, Metallica, Nine Inch Nails, Pearl Jam, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Sum41)


-Movies that I absolutely hate:
The Cell
8MM
What dreams may come
Hitman
Lost in Translation


-I would not study electrical engineering again if I had a time machine, and was transported back to college.


-I voted for George Bush in 2000. I am comfortable with that decision.
I voted for George Bush in 2004. It was a terrible decision.


-At 17 years old, when I was just starting my senior year in High School, I weighed exactly 123 pounds. I gained 23 pounds that year. In the 10 years since I have been married, I have fluctuated between 158-177 pounds. Oddly enough, all the weight gain appears to be in my gut.


-I am an exception to the long-held belief that you can only marry + or - 2 levels of "hotness" from your level. I would consider myself a strong 5. My wife is a solid 9. This was told to me by a long-time friend. I wasn't sure if he was ripping on me, or hitting on my wife....either way, it probably wasn't good.


-If I was as tall as my brother (6'3"), I would be on the pro beach volleyball circuit.


-I hate Wal-mart with a passion. Oddly enough, I love Fred Meyer. I could peruse the aisles for hours. I cannot explain this. This seals the deal that I am a freak.


-And lastly.....I cheat at golf every time I play. Even when I go by myself.

Thanks for dropping in from time to time....I appreciate all 6 people who read my post.

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