Monday, June 30, 2008

Musings

Aaah....the joys of owning a Suburban. Do you think it would be in poor taste to start asking hitch-hikers to chip in for gas?



Oh...and if gas were 5.00 a gallon, this fill-up would have cost me $144.41.

If gas were $1.19 a gallon (Price I paid in Houston Texas in 1995), this fill-up would have cost me 34.37.

If my car ran on Schlitz Malt liquor, this fill-up would have cost me $191.48. So it could be worse.

The signs of aging are prevalent in my life: I consistently use a water-pick at night. I enjoy AM talk radio 5 times more than FM radio. 175 seconds in the sun will cause a burn. There are too many grey hairs to "pluck out." I am winded after playing soccer with my kids for 3 minutes. My "fat jeans" are now my favorite jeans. I had to pluck an ear hair that was strangely long.

But I still hang onto some semblance of my youth: The new Foo Fighters album is unbelievable. I flipped somebody off just last week. I still have all my hair. The AM radio I listen to is Sports...not Rush Limbaugh. I ride a dirt bike. I can still do the "roger rabbit." (perhaps this should be in the other category)

Saturday, June 28, 2008

I prefer Pralines and Cream over Vanilla

Another NBA draft was laid to rest last night. I managed to tune in for about 10 minutes. It was riveting I tell you. A bunch of guys I've never heard of...and my team picking late in both rounds. Both recipes for an exciting evening. If the players didn't wear such "interesting" suits...nobody would watch.

For your reference, in the NBA, about 12% of the players are white. Over half of those are foreign-born.
One team that is throwing off the curve is my favorite team--the Utah Jazz.
There were 14 players under contract last year, and 5 were white. (36% for the statistically challenged)
In addition, I would probably rank #2 if you had to rate them in terms of good looks. Not a pretty bunch. (pics shamelessly borrowed from cbssportsline)

Fesenko Kirilenko Korver Okur Harpring
So the Jazz had 3 picks in this draft. 1 in the late 1st round, and 2 in the second.
You may be completely surprised to see that the first guy has at least one thing in common with the above players.
Kasta Koufos (big slow white guy)
Well...the 2nd round comes around...and--
The Utah Jazz pick::
2 other slow European white guys....names not important.
I would have hoped to sing the Sesame Street song "One of these things is not like the other," but no dice.
Another draft...another snoozer.
Authors note::
In no way am I racist or think that black players are better than white players or vice versa.
Nor do I think that the Jazz are racist or prefer players that smell like maple syrup. In fact, if you look back over the recent years of Jazz drafts, you'll find a vast majority of the players are black.
I also do not think that all lanky, goofy-haired European basketball players are ugly. It is probably just coincidence that the above players are.
I also do not think that Sesame Street was racist. Bob McGrath was no better than Maria or the guy who watched Mr. Hooper's store after he died.
I do not think that all white guys are slow. In fact, the day that my company put out free t-shirts and office supplies, was the fastest I've ever seen white engineers run. The smell of "Speed Stick" in the hall was monstrous.
And lastly, I'm 5'11", and weigh 175 pounds. Any one of these men above could squash me with their size 21 shoes. If somehow I become a PR rep for the Jazz, and they were to discover this post, please remember it is all tongue in cheek, and to attempt to gain 12 people to view my site.

Friday, June 27, 2008

10 dollar a gallon gasoline

Oh great....another blog post about high gas prices. What's next--a great post about how to make money on the Internet??
You know...I hate 4 dollar a gallon gas. I would even hate 5 bucks more. And if it hit 8 bucks...I'd be close to rioting.
But 10 dollar a gallon gasoline?? Bring it on.....

HUH??!!

Do I think it'd be good for the country?--No.
Do I think people would be hurting financially?--Yes.
Would I be hurting financially?--No.

Why, you may ask. Well, I think 10 dollar gasoline is my cutoff. I believe I'd pay up to 10 bucks a gallon for gas. Would my driving habits change before that? Yes. But at 10 bucks...I stop driving completely.
I live in a small town. This is generally a bad thing. There are about 4 restaurants, and 3 of them are Chinese buffets. Retail shopping is non-existent, and the late show at the theater starts at about 7:45 PM.
The benefits of living in a small town are also apparent. I can see vintage Jeep Wagoneers almost every day with less than 60% rust. No gas pumps are digital, so I can be sure there won't be a computer glitch and charge me more. But the best thing is that everything is close by. I can get anywhere in town in 15 minutes. There is no such thing as traffic here..unless you count driving behind a tractor.
Google maps has told me that I live 7.5 miles from work. At 10 bucks a gallon, I would consider riding a bike to work. (never running...we have already covered that) Perhaps something with a banana seat...maybe with pegs so I can join a "bike-pool."
7.5 miles to work...at 6 mph (my chicken legs cannot go faster)....stopping twice to get a drink.....once to pee...carry the 6....and I've just done about 90 minutes of exercise. Double that for the drive home, and in 6 months, I've shaved off my jelly roll, and worked off at least two of my chins. I'd be fit, healthier...and my wife may actually find me attractive.
Who knows...my self image may be so much better, that I get involved in the community. Run for Mayor. In a few years, I'd be looking at a seat in congress. By the time I'd changed Washington, I'd be invited to be on the board for a few multi-billion dollar corporations. I'd retire at 55, and live a healthy and active life (because of biking) for the next 25 years while basking in my millions.
So...while the nation, Obama and McCain go on and on about the price of oil....I'm hoping they find a few new protected species in Alaska to hold off on drilling. Couple this with China and India heading toward a 50% increase in demand...and 10 bucks is within view.

--I've been thinking about this.....either I purchase a bike---or I buy an electric golf cart. If I had the golf cart, there is room for 4 sodas, and about a half dozen Mcgriddles breakfast meals in the back bin. Do you think they'd let me take the cart through the aisles at the grocery store, or would I have to make a transfer to one of their own "fat carts" they have?

I wonder what the weight limit is for a golf cart....??

Thursday, June 26, 2008

A men's guide to major bathroom penalties

There are things that men do, or don't do in this life, that would make the average woman retch in disgust. Deep down, men are gross, dirty and far far too hairy. (I'd like to ask God why he made men so hairy...it's a question I've pondered many times as I wonder how the sun penetrates the beaver pelt covering my body)
Probably the most disgusting things that men are involved in, take place in the men's restroom. In this, our 2nd of a 2-part series, (the first and less disgusting part of the series can be viewed here) I will discuss the "major" penalties, or rules that men should follow. This is not a complete list, as the grossness of men is ever-increasing. There is a good chance you may not wish to read on to these disgusting details. But it needs to be said--be warned.

MAJOR public bathroom rules:

-Under no circumstances should you leave the bathroom without washing your hands. Even if you just went in to check your hair, blow your nose, etc...you do not want to be labeled a NHW (non-hand washer) nor do you want to touch "private-parts doorknobs." Please read a past post describing the details of washing hands.

-There is never a need to pick or farmer blow your nose while sitting down in a stall or standing at a urinal. It is amazing to me that a stall has boogers on it, while the toilet paper is literally 8 inches away. Grab the toilet paper and blow your nose!

-Take care of the hair. You'd think that some men go up to toilets and just pull pubic hair out in tufts and leave it on the seats and urinals to mark their territory. I don't care how you do it, just stop!

-Don't pee on the floor. We've discussed how urinating at a public urinal can be an exercise--especially when there is a pool of pee on the floor and you have to spread your legs 3 feet apart in order not to step in it. Just once I would like to walk in and see someone doing this, because it has to a dude literally peeing directly on the floor. I would give them a forearm shiver, and throw them into their own refuse.

-What's it worth to ya? Think of all your worldly possessions...now think of them falling into a public toilet. How much is it worth to reach your paw down into the water and grab it? Would you grab your cell phone? How about a 100 dollar bill? Your dentures? You need to be prepared for this in advance so you can make the decision to grab or flush should the moment arise.

-Spit?? It's like someone is intentionally thinking of the most disgusting things ever. Let's hawk a big loogie (it's a word--check the urban dictionary) onto the floor while they're sitting on the pot. HUH?!! You can't wait 2 minutes to spit into the toilet when you're all finished? It's just amazing.

-The culmination of all things disgusting is what we'll title the "Albert Einstein." This is where something from another planet looks like they sprayed brown silly goo all over the insides and outsides of the toilet. I'm not going to go into too much detail (did I already...tee hee) but I've seen it first hand. The reason for the title "Einstein" is that all laws of physics have been defied in this display. How is it even possible to get poo on underside of the TOP LID when you're pointing down??? Let's go over a worst-case scenario here--You had bad Mexican, and somehow pull an Albert Einstein. At the very least, you take a HUGE handful of toilet paper and make it possible for someone to use the toilet after you. If this won't work, please call the person in charge of cleaning the toilets and blame it on someone else. "Um...I just went in there...and it was already like that." And then leave a 20 dollar bill on the toilet paper dispenser, because that's the least you can do for that poor sap cleaning up your mess.

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Real life wins again....


When we made our move to our lovely town 5 months ago, I wasn't sure if I should get Qwest DSL and Satellite TV, or just go the Cable Internet/TV route. I decided to go with Cable because they only had a 6 month commitment unlike the satellite companies. I had planned on moving to satellite when we moved to a house (just happened) and the cable commitment was over.
The problem with cable, is that if you want to have digital cable, and DVR, it's a butt-load of extra cash every month.
So, we just went the basic cable route, and then when we missed TV shows that we liked, I just went onto Bittorrent and downloaded them. No biggie...unless you are a nazi technician who works for CableOne.
The cable Internet had been down for a week or so...and I decided to break down and call tech support. After a few minutes of silence reviewing my account, the tech came back and informed me that peer 2 peer file sharing programs that involved downloading TV shows and movies had flagged this account, and it was put on hiatus for violating the cable terms of service. OK...so where from here?
Well, in a completely condescending tone, he asked me, "Are you the one doing the downloading?" I said I did know who was doing the downloading on the account. (half-truth as I do know myself..I rule at those)
He then said "Can you promise not to do this again?" I answered in the affirmative...and wondered how this tech support call turned into a confession. He then asked, "Do you promise to delete all material that was downloaded?" HUH??!! It was surreal. But he assured me that the only way I was able get my service back online was to agree to these 2 items. Part of me thought he was outside my window watching me...making sure I was wasn't lying to him while staring into my soul.
He then puts me on hold for a few more minutes (meditation with God I suppose) and comes back and says that he must elevate this to a higher tech level as he cannot resolve the situation himself. HUH??!! I ask when this will be resolved....he says possibly in the next few days.
So, as I sheepishly hung up the phone, and felt like I had just committed a hit-and-run, I reflected back on this conversation. Nothing had changed---no Internet...just a guy with a headset who made me feel ultimate guilt. It was exactly like confession.
August 31st is my last day of cable service, and I will be giving them the proverbial middle finger and switching to Qwest DSL and either DTV or Dish.
The funny part is that if I had gone with satellite, they have DVR included, and there would be no need to download TV shows. Cable DVR was another 35 bucks more...stick it. Come August 31st, I'll DVR Oprah on satellite.

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

A men's guide to minor bathroom penalties

If you've ever watched hockey, when a skater breaks the rules, they are either called with a "major" or "minor" penalty based on what they've done to break the rules. Equivalently, there are "major" and "minor" rules to male bathroom etiquette. Any of the following items should be followed verbatim. Today we will go over the "minor" bathroom penalties. (Part 2 of this installment can be read here) Females may not wish to read on, as this affirms how disgusting men can be when they think they are alone or in the company of like-minded individuals. What they don't understand is that there are many men who wish to have 3 public bathrooms---Men, Women, Clean Men.

MINOR public bathroom rules:

-It is common courtesy to time large bowel explosions with a flush. If this flush will cause a soaking of the backside, then please execute a 60 degree "half-stand" to let the Niagara falls water rush to pass.

-The above rule also corresponds to stench. If your waste smells like any of the following, you should give the courtesy flush: Road-kill, 3-week old carcass, broccoli mixed with peanut butter, Mexican food left out in the sun for a couple days.

-You should never occupy a urinal or stall that is directly next to another occupied urinal/stall. If there is no choice, you choose the stall that is closest to the wall as you will only have 1 neighbor. If the only non-neighboring urinal is the "short-boy," you should man up and crouch down.

-Please use paper towels when exiting the bathroom on the door handle. This should be proceeded by hand washing. (which will be covered in the next segment of this series)

-Do not brush your teeth in the public bathroom sinks. You are the one getting hurt as we have already discussed (in a previous post) that anything you smell are actually small molecules of the actual matter. It's called Crest Whitening...not Crest Browning.

-You have 60 seconds to execute on a urinal if people are waiting. If you do not execute, perform the "fake-shake" and head to the sinks.

-Any form of electronics which involves speaking or noise should not be used. The only exception is a small cell phone for playing games or text messaging. And then your phone should be wiped down with cleanser periodically.

-A seat cover should be used in a stall at all times. This protects from any stray fallout for future participants.

-There is to be no talking/whistling/singing while at a urinal. A work discussion that has been carried from the hall into the bathroom should be placed on temporary hold until both participants can exit the restroom. Bordering on a major penalty is if you carry a conversation with a 3rd uninvolved party in between both participants.

-Please throw your newspaper away after reading in the stall. There is no need to tempt others to picking it up and starting the germ chain on page 6.

I would also like to include some of my "tricks of the trade." These will help in your bathroom experience.
-Never make hand-to-solid surface contact. When entering a stall, use your elbow to close the lock. Grab some toilet paper (not the end that someone may have touched) and wipe down the seat while being careful not to touch anything. Grab a seat cover and lay it down without making contact. When finished, flush toilet with foot. Use earlier elbow to open stall. Pre-dispense the paper towels by touching your first solid surface. Get soap, wash, and then grabbed pre-dispensed paper towels with clean hands. Dry, then exit bathroom using paper towels as a shield to any solid surfaces. Leave bathroom and go back to desk where hand sanitizer is waiting on any peripheral germs that may have floated on you.
-Go home and use your personal toilet.

Monday, June 23, 2008

Real life wins again....

Random thoughts from the weekend while we were moving....although I have deleted funny portions due to collateral damage.

My brother, co-worker and I moved 16,000 pounds of "stuff"......twice.
Once to load, and once to unload.
Interestingly enough, 1/3 of our group moved only about 1/6 of the share. (more on this shortly)

Over 200 ounces of liquid while moving all day in 90 degree heat will only cause you to urinate twice in one 24 hour period.



The following conversation is completely true: Now, we probably didn't have enough people moving my stuff. But I decided to move, and it is my problem to worry about---not my neighbors. BUT--as we were dropping off a load at the new house, the next door neighbor stopped by. This is a completely strapping, able bodied guy. We'll call him Stu.

Me and my brother are the moving group.
Stu: How's it going over here?
Moving group: Good.
Stu: It's hot out here...you should make sure to drink plenty of water.
Moving group: Thanks. We're trying.
Stu: Are you almost done?
MG: No...probably another load.
Stu: ...
MG: (swallowing pride) Did you want to help grab a few things?
Stu: No...I just stopped by to make sure that nobody is getting hurt.
MG: ...
Stu: I'm actually going to go take a nap.
MG: ...
Stu: See you guys later.
MG: ...

I'm trying to formulate an equivalent scenario, and this is about as good as I can think of: If I decide to wander in my neighbors yard, and notice that he is choking on a piece of steak, I'll look into his blue face, and tell him that in the future he should cut his meat into smaller bites, and to chew it better. Then I'll go take a nap.

My brother and I went and saw "Iron Man" in the late show after the move. As we entered, there were only a handful of people there. But up in the corner were 2 hungry teens trying to re-enact a scene from "Alien" by injecting each other with 3 foot tongues. He was definitely trying to test the limits of the "501 protection plan." We sat on the opposite end of the theater.

Friday, June 20, 2008

Can I have your number?

I'm not at work today....I've decided to take the day off for my birthday. In fact, this post was pre-recorded for your viewing pleasure.
To be completely honest, the reason I'm taking the day off is to move into our new house. I figure it will take 2 days so I rented a truck for today and tomorrow.

"Why don't you ask somebody from work" you may ask.
"Why don't you get a church group to help" you may wonder.
"Call your friends and family" you say......

People don't like me, and I generally don't like them. Thus my wife, brother and I will be moving 16,000 pounds of stuff on my birthday.

I do have a hand truck though.

I love Mad TV. It may be boring or crude at times, but there are some unforgettable skits. Below is one of my favorite characters. PG language for those that may care.



Thursday, June 19, 2008

Who needs a first life...get a second one.

For those that think reality is a bore, that human contact is abhorrent, and that looking at cartoon genitalia is preferable, you probably already know what I am talking about.
Second Life is an online simulation of real life. For those of you who "play" it already, skip down a couple paragraphs. For the uninformed people with jobs, I will explain a little further. This "world" is virtual. You create a character and go "interact" with others in this virtual world. What is the point of the "game?" Well....to live....in a....second life...I think....
Almost 2 years ago, a friend mentioned this "game" and told me to try it. So I logged on and downloaded their simulator, and began the process of creating a character. You can do just about anything with your character. No need for Enzyte in this world. Just a few clicks of the mouse...and I'm Brad Pitt. Interestingly enough, most people don't represent their real looks with their characters....because I noticed only ~5% fat people in the game, whereas in the US, it's more like 40%.
Then you get to enter the "world" and "interact" with others and the things that are located in it. At first, I thought it was a neat concept...especially because you could fly. But, you quickly realize that this "game" is being inhabited by the same thing that is all over the regular Internet---Porn and gambling to make money. So, for some, they can do the same thing in both their 1st and 2nd lives.
Another "interesting" thing about the "game" is that for every person you see or meet in the "game," it is an actual person. In fact, wikipedia says that at any given moment, 38,000 people are logged onto second life. I'm sure World of Warcraft has reported decreasing numbers because of this.
Well....after an hour or two of doing nothing, I realized that this was about the stupidest thing I'd ever tried. (besides trying to shoot bottle rockets out of my mouth) There is no point to this second life. No killing, no points to accumulate, no saving the princess.
Now fans of the game may point to this being the best part. I mean you can buy some "land" (for a fee), build a "house" (for a fee), and create a "business" (for a fee) which people will pay you in fake money which you can translate to real dollars. I would imagine that by trying to earn these fake dollars, you would be practicing the law of diminishing returns (i.e. Chuck E Cheese earnings principle).
Some of you may love this "game." If you have any of the following interests, I would suggest checking out this Second Life.
Animated Cyber-porn with blocky-looking people.
Chatting with 48 year old men who live in their Mom's basement.
Seeing a return on a cyber-business of about $1.65 a week while working 80 hours on it.
Looking at a world which takes roughly 30 seconds to load, and then may not even load properly. Your beautiful "house" you just built may be missing a wall at times. Who knows. You should call your "contractor."
Doctor Who.

Who knows...perhaps you'll meet the perfect "person" and get married in Second Life. You can buy a half acre, get a big screen TV, and fly around watching the sunset together. I wonder if the Supreme court would rule this as polygamy if you already had a "First Life Wife", and a "Second Life Wife." Either way, you'll be taking out the trash.

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Reporting from Planet Nerdville

I just had a team building work party/BBQ. The thought of 20 engineers getting together for a social activity sounds riveting I know...so read on.
Let's go through the party checklist:

Alcohol--Check. (5 large coolers full of alcohol for 20 people...are you kidding me?)
Catered Dutch oven dinner--Check.
Random conversations of work-related topics which I abhor outside of work--Check.
At least 10 different nations represented--Check.
Matching golf shirts with the company logo for everyone--Check.
Volleyball net--Check. (The combined vertical leap of all 20 of us was like 85 inches)
Really bad volleyball by very un-coordinated people--Check.
Way-too-serious guy in his tight gym shorts and workout shirt ready to play volleyball--Check.
Team wanted to wear said matching golf shirts for last game in order to generate pictures for the internal web-site--Check.
Group picture of everybody in said matching golf shirts while a few knelt down in front of the group holding the volleyball just like those little league pictures you used to get--Check.
Me feeling completely sore after playing volleyball for just a couple hours--Check.
Wondering if pre-death Rigor Mortis has set in as I wonder how I can be sore--Check.

I can't wait till next year....perhaps we'll go miniature golfing.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

The Best Ever....????


The following post is largely un-funny. And I don't mean un-funny like most of my attempted humor posts. I mean that I didn't intend it to be very funny. Perhaps the fact that my youtube posts are more popular than my original posts---should be telling.

When most people think back on their favorite movie stars and movies, there are names that pop up every time. "Braveheart", "Gladiator", "The Shawshank Redemption". Robert De Niro, Al Pacino, Anthony Hopkins. Blah Blah Blah...I agree. These are what you'd call "monumental" movies and actors. Ones where after watching, you feel "moved."

I believe that if took a poll of the top 50 actors, you wouldn't find the name Chevy Chase in there at all. While I reluctantly agree with most that he was not the best "actor" as traditionally classify "good actors," I think he might have put out one of the best 10 year run of movies of all time.
I know...you're thinking--huh? Chevy Chase? Didn't he have a late-night talk show for 2 weeks or something? Let's think of it this way--think of movies that if they came on cable, you'd stop to watch. His movies fit the bill every time. His run in the 80's was unbelievable, and the re-watchability factor of his movies is almost un-paralleled. I'm going to place some data before you here, and I think you'll start to see my point of view. Below is a list of what I consider his "great" movies that he did in the 80's, and the US box office revenue.

Caddyshack--1980--40 million
Vacation--1980--61 million
Fletch--1985--47 million
European Vacation--1985--59 million
Spies Like Us--1985--59 million
Three Amigos--1986--40 million
Fletch Lives--1989--33 million
Christmas Vacation--1989--71 million

Are you kidding me?? This list is unbelievable. In fact, I think he peaked at the end of the decade with a sequel that was just as funny if not better than the original (Fletch Lives) and what I consider the funniest movie of all time in Christmas Vacation. Don't tell me that you would skip over any of these movies if you ran across them on TBS.
Now, I thought about the careers of some of the other actors who are obviously more popular, and did bigger movies. These guys below may have had bigger and better movies, but they are strewn across their entire careers, whereas Chase pumped out hits in a single decade.
Jack Nicholson--He has been in some of my favorite movies, but his character in every movie now, is almost like he's trying to be an actor playing an icon of Nicholson.
Harrison Ford--I love him...but without George Lucas--ouch.
De Niro/Pacino--Great movies....and they have done a ton of them....many forgettable also.
Tom Cruise--He's a psycho--yes. But he's been in some good shows. But you can't honestly say you'd stop and watch "Far and away" or "Days of Thunder" on a Saturday afternoon.
Nicholas Cage/Kevin Costner--Recipe for success on these 2
1--Insert actor A into big action movie.
2--Have him act the same regardless of the part.
3--Blow things up around him. Make 100 million on movie.

In fact, I think it's even more difficult to make a good comedy movie. Are movies about Gladiators or battle scenes awesome? Heck yeah. It's easy to make that type of movie watchable. But its even harder to put out a good comedy that stands the test of time.
NOW---There is one actor who has put together quite a decade-long run in his own right. His run in the 90's was just as impressive.
Have you guessed by now?? Tom Hanks. Take a peek at this list---wow.

Sleepless in Seattle--1993--126 million
Philadelphia--1993--77 million
Forrest Gump--1994--330 million
Apollo 13--1995--172 million
Toy Story--1995--191 million
Saving Private Ryan--1998--216 million
Toy Story 2--1999--245 million
The Green Mile--1999-136 million
Castaway--2000-233 million
Road to Perdition--2002--104 million
Catch me if you can--2002--164 million

Yeah...he had "BIG" and "Splash" in the 80's, but he did "Turner and Hooch" and the awful "Joe Versus the Volcano" in between...so they don't count.
So...the next time you think of the great actors and some of the best decade-long run of great movies...let's give our boy Chevy Chase some love.

Monday, June 16, 2008

Hunting for stars...in a Mcdonalds bathroom....

I remember as a little kid going to Southern California for vacation. I noticed nice cars and wondered if a movie star was driving it. (how lame is that) That lasted about 3 minutes, and I was back to reading my "choose your own adventure" books in the car. It does seem that people get all up in arms when they see celebrities. Like when you're at Yellowstone park and 546 cars are stopped to see the buffalo eating and crapping. Is it really that big of a deal?
About the closest thing that the Intermountain-west has to a "celebrity hot-spot" is Park City UT. So, on our trip up there this past weekend, I wondered if I would see anybody famous. Now, when I say famous---I don't mean A-list famous. Park City is rumoured to have many C and D-List celebrities that call it home. Montel Williams, Mitt Romney, Tony Danza, Cheech Marin, and that guy from the Beastie Boys. Real pillars of fame. As we approached the main Park City exit, and my son desperately pleaded that he needed to go pee for about the 11th time in 5 minutes, and pulling the "physical pinch-off" that many young boys do to hold it--we hurriedly pulled into the McDonald's parking lot to run in save he had an accident.
Famous people eat at McDonald's--right? Well, perhaps. But today they either didn't feel like it, or had somebody pick it up for them. Because the people in this McDonald's were double-fisting chicken nuggets like they were going out of style just like any other McDonald's. In fact, the only observations I had from the McDonald's in Park City are as follows:
-There was no "short urinal" for my son which meant that we had to make our way to a dreaded stall.
-The stall toilet apparently did not flush, and had evidence of such.
-Holding your son by his arms, and his legs so that he can urinate in the toilet without physically touching any porcelain is quite a feat. An angle of 45 degrees works best.
-I have never moved as fast as when my son wanted to flush it himself. I made Jacki Chan look slow as I grabbed him and instructed him on the proper way to "foot-flush."
-Apparently LCD TVs are the rage above urinals. Why you would want to distract a guy from actually hitting the toilet is beyond me. Based on experience, it appears that roughly 43% of men actually hit the toilet when they pee. In fact, peeing turns out to be a good stretching exercise as you have to spread your legs roughly 3 feet apart in order not to step in what we'll call "the puddle" of past urinators. (Wow....urinator kind of sounds cool---terminator...urinator...orator...ok..nevermind)
-And last but certainly not least is the fact that every time I feel "sub-par" about my little belly roll, I just need to walk into any local McDonald's and I instantly feel better about myself. Most people who see me would think--he isn't winning any beauty contests....well, at McDonald's---I'd at least place in the top 3.

Friday, June 13, 2008

You're bugging me....

I'm out of town all weekend...so you get a lazy clip.
I ate some cookies at a friends house, and we found ants in the flour after we had eaten them. It was the closest I came to intentionally puking since I was forced to watch "A knights tale."

What the heck are they going to do with the head?? This is awesome...yet strange.



Time Lapse of Ants Eating A Gecko - Watch more free videos

Thursday, June 12, 2008

Places I never want to move--besides where I live now. (In pictures)

Laramie Wyoming



Screw Chicago---this is the windiest city in the US. Look how bad it is above and below. (actual data)






Normal road conditions an average of 315 days a year.

Every department store has the skoal ring pre-equipped in all Wrangler Jeans.

An average couple from Laramie.

Their Coach.

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Hiphopopotomus vs. Rhymenoceros

I can't get enough of the Flight of the Conchords....another hilarious clip from their show. Some mild language.
Jan 09 till the next season.

Real life wins again....

What Father doesn't want to impress and be a role model for his kids? My Dad was my little league coach for many years. Did he do it because he liked the angry parents, crying 9 year olds, or free snow-cones if you retrieved a foul ball? No, he did it because he wanted to be involved in my life, and have more of a hand in my up-bringing.

As parents, we submit ourselves to all sorts of tantrums, hatred, and disgust while we raise our kids. Has your child told you "I hate you" yet? That one hurts. Or better yet--"You hate me."
How many times did you take them to the movies, to Dairy Queen for ice cream, on summer vacation for a 14 hour drive while they fight? All this, and they hate you?
Have you reached the "dorky" stage yet? My daughter is only 8, and already thinks I'm dorky. (although she may be onto something there)

We just purchased a home, and my wife thought the "other owner's karma" would be gone if we painted every single room in the house. So to make the painting go a little quicker, I purchased a "paint-stick." This is a roller that has the paint in the handle so you don't have to get the roller wet in the tray. (it actually works quite well) My 3 year old son was watching me fill up the roller, and then as I was painting the stairwell, he turned to me and said, "Dad, you're awesome." Little did I know the power of the paint-stick. I know he's telling me the truth..because little kids always do. I know this because the previous day as I was telling him a story, he said "Dad, your breath stinks." The truth can hurt.
So next time you spend 45 dollars at the carnival trying to win your son a stuffed animal in a game that is rigged, or spend 300 dollars on sports equipment to get involved with them--remember that you never know what it takes to be "awesome" to them.

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Get real....

Ok...I am one of the biggest sports fans on the planet. But if some 21 year and 2 month old guy needs this on his honeymoon...he's an idiot.
By the way...you can order it in 30" in case the girl is actually a coed from that school.

Things I never told anyone....

Dear Pocock family....It was me who peed in your sleeping bag those many years ago. Yes, it was me.
I was about 5 or 6 years old, and my cousin and I were invited to sleep over at a neighbor's house. Now I was not known as a habitual bed-wetter, but I imagine we drank a few too many root beers that night.
I used their sleeping bag. They offered...why not? The next morning, the dreaded wet pajamas and the tell-tale smell permeated the air. What to do? I was so embarrassed...should I go tell them? Should I tell my friend? Do I bring my yellow badge of courage up for the world to see?
I am ashamed to say that I did none of the above. You see, my cousin and my friend had decided to clean up the sleeping bags and go eat breakfast and play outside. So what did yours truly do? I rolled up the bag......yes...I know.......and shoved it as far in the closet as I could. Then in an attempt to get home and change my clothes, I made up an excuse that I needed to clean my room really fast, but that I'd be right back.
I made it home and changed. I think my Mom was suspicious, but in my 6 year old brain, I had fooled the world. I got back to my friends house in time for Trix cereal.
I'm sorry Pococks that the next time you went camping, and unrolled the sleeping bag....well, I'll just let everyone imagine the rest. It was me. I peed the bed.

Monday, June 9, 2008

Namesake

There's one thing I hate on TV more than anything right now. No, it's not "Shot at love with Tila Tequila," or "Grey's Anatomy." Although they are both terrible, there are 60 seconds on television that may rival some of the worst ever. Have you seen the infomercial for the "ShamWOW!?" It is disgusting. A Ryan Secrist-lookalike with a headset demonstrates the amazing power of the ShamWOW to pick up any liquids....Up to 21 times it's weight!! If you haven't seen the commercial, click this link and you can see it here.
Today I'm not going to discuss whether or not it works--just watch the part where he spills soda pop on the carpet and then magically cleans it up...yeah right--but why they chose the name ShamWOW. Ok...albeit, a shammy is a common cloth to pick up liquid, dry cars, etc. So they took part of the word Sham and put it with WOW. Am I the only one to notice what's wrong with that? This product is---let me slow it down here---a SHAM.....WOW??!!

Why do some marketing geniuses give things certain names. I suppose the slang from that time period isn't something taboo or offensive...but then a few years later a word takes on a different meaning. I full-heartedly believe the Wii will fall under this category. You can only say "Let's go play with my Wii" so many times....
There's others--Vagisil, Anusol...umm...I wonder if they have to put warnings that these things shouldn't be eaten. It might take a genius to know which body part they are applied to.
Have you heard of "Smack my ass and call me Sally, green jalapeno sauce?" Go to Amazon.com and you'll see it there.
Then you have the whole "produced in another country" genre of foods. These are ones where the name doesn't translate over very well...or some rep for the company didn't want to pay an American contractor 10 bucks to say--"The name of that product will never work in America."
Here's a link to some funny product names. Some of the names may be offensive.
Anyhow...I'm back to eating some Hydrox cookies. Sounds delicious...

Saturday, June 7, 2008

Movies that you must always watch

There are roughly 118 bad/boring movies on cable and network TV every day. You know the ones...you're flipping through--TNT has Forrest Gump, TBS is showing Days of Thunder, Lifetime is showing the latest "woman's revenge against her cheating lover" movie. These shows are always on...everybody skips through them.
BUT, there are a number of movies that when you run across them, you are REQUIRED to stop and watch. I'm not talking about the obvious ones like Braveheart and Gladiator...I'm talking about ones you may not remember or haven't seen for a long time. I've put together a short list here. Feel free to add any more in comments. Roadhouse is unacceptable.

::Any of the "Mad Max" movies. This is a requirement to being a man.
::The Goonies. One of the greatest movies I saw as a kid.
::Hoosiers. You'll cry and get goosebumps.
::Any of the "Vacation" movies. Although, Vegas Vacation never happened and does not fall into this category.
::Fletch and Fletch Lives. What kind of name is Poon?? Comanche Indian....
::The Sylvester Stallone collaboration--Rocky 1-4, *Rambo*, or Demolition Man.
::Arnold's goodies--Predator, Terminator 2
::The Matrix--I still remember being breathless at the beginning of that movie in the theater--ground-breaking.
::Bill and Ted's excellent adventure. I've seen this movie 34 times.
::Strange Brew. I've seen this movie 86 times.
::Back to the future.
::Any Aliens movie. The first 2 are still amazing.
::Die Hard. Holy crap this list could go on forever.
::The Shining. Some places are like people...some shine and some don't.
::Ghostbusters.
::The Princess Bride. This one is for the ladies.
::The last 20 minutes of Karate Kid. Wow what a whiner Daniel-san was.
::And last....but TOTALLY not the least is Ferris Bueller's Day Off. Love it.

Friday, June 6, 2008

MyCokeRewards....

I like Soda Pop. I would prefer an ice cold soda over a candy bar or other treat. It is my dessert. For any of you that has opened up a 20 oz bottle in the last 10 years, you may have noticed something written on the under-side of the cap that resembles a nuclear launch code. Back in the day, you used to be able to look under there and see "Free Pepsi." Then you'd take it to the gas station and get a free Pepsi. I even remember that on Dr. Pepper, you were able to tip the bottles sideways and tell if you had a winner before you purchased the drink. (Oh to be 13 and ripping of VIP again)
But in the recent past there has been a move to putting these "codes" on the caps. What are these codes for? Basically, the codes get you points/credits for prizes, drawings, etc. You must go online and enter in the codes. The problem (if you understand the Chuck E Cheese theory of Diminishing Returns) is that it may take you years to build up enough points to get anything worthwhile.
Case in point. On MyCokeRewards, if you accumulate 48 points (each bottle is 3 points) then you can get a free movie rental from blockbuster. Great...this one just cost you 14 dollars when you forget to return the movie on time.
If you'd rather, 220 points will get you a "Pirate of the Caribbean" t-shirt. Or you can get one for $1.49 on eBay because they way over-produced these things after the terrible 3rd installment of this series.
240 Points will get you an American Idol hat. Or you could wear a t-shirt that reads "I'll tie up 4 hours a week in front of the TV watching bad singing." What--did they run out of "Survivor" camo headbands?
This reminds me of the old McDonald's Monopoly game. You know...where you would get game pieces of each property with food purchases. Once you had all the property in that color, you would win big prizes. The thing is, there was only 1 Tennessee avenue in the entire world...and it went to a 85 year old man who threw it away--still connected to the cup filled with Creme Soda. How many large fries did you have to buy before you gave up with 34 B&O railroads? It's genius really.
Here's the clincher---If you put 8 codes into MyCokeRewards, you get 1 free Coke!! So, while we're all well on our way to type II diabetes furiously downing Cokes to get a mini-slinky, they'll help us along by throwing a free one here and there. Add this to the fact that they get all your personal information like address, phone number, e-mail (And everyone puts it in correctly in order to get their future Plasma TV shipped correctly), and they now have a tracking system which tells them what types of drinks each person has. And they get it for free!! That tears it!!

Thursday, June 5, 2008

Smell you later

Who doesn't enjoy going into a public restroom after lunch when the office went out for Mexican food? Needless to say, the pervasive smells (and sounds) can be un-nerving to say the least.
It's even worse for guys when they're at the urinals. Don't tell me you've never peed next to a guy who had Corn Pops for breakfast...trust me, you'll know. (I'm getting sick as I write this)
There are good smells---perfume, food, your fingers an hour after you've eaten fried chicken, etc. There is also many bad smells out there.
I've often wondered what caused the smells. It was my guess (I'm not a scientist) that the odor particles that were causing the smell were actually made up many smaller pieces of the item that was causing the odor. Thus, when you're smelling Grandma's apple pie, you're smelling the butter in the crust, the apples, etc. Along those lines, when you think you've stepped in Dog poo, and you lift the shoe to your nose to "check," you instantly inhale millions of "little bits of poo." Are you sick yet?
It gets worse. I actually spent 3 1/2 minutes on Google to check my theory. It is correct, but I found much worse. Check out this link, and read to the bottom. You will be thoroughly disgusted. I had never even heard of eyelash mites...and now I've been frantically rubbing my face with the "mumblies." Oh wait...can't do that--I've now passed e coli from my keyboard to my mouth.
Whoever said "knowing was half the battle" didn't know about eyelash mites. Ignorance truly is bliss.

Wednesday, June 4, 2008

The Postman always Rings Twice (a day)....

A recent scientific survey was performed on our incoming mail. It was found that roughly 3 times a week, my wife had received some sort of invitation to a "friends" party. You know what these are...the parties where nobody really wants to go buy anything, but feels obligated to do so. Still confused?? I'll make a short list of all the party postcards that I seem to remember:
Stampin Up
Creative Memories
Pampered Chef
Ideal Gifts
Party Lite
Some Jewelry deal
Various Cosmetic companies
67 Candle parties
14 different Home interior parties
Layered clothing parties
But we're still waiting on Amway.

Don't get me wrong...I understand why these parties take place. It's a good idea to get a bunch of friends together away from their husbands and kids. I'm not opposed to this at all. But why on this green earth did every Mom suddenly think that they need to get in on the "selling gig?"
Well--there is one answer that comes to mind. Generally, when you host a party, the more items you sell to your friends, the more free crap you get from the company.
In my opinion, this is a lose-lose.
First for the buyers: Let's say there is actually something worth purchasing at one of these parties. A 90 second Google search will find the product for 67% cheaper. Plus, it's most likely that the woman didn't need/want the item before they showed up to the party. Then peer pressure sets in...everyone is buying something...what to do....BAM--86 dollars later, and you're coming home with a wicker bunny, and an elderberry/mint candle.
Next for the sellers: It's understandable that you'd want to sell more to get free stuff. Who doesn't like free stuff? But here's the catch. Have you ever been to Chuck E Cheese? Half of the "restaurant" is set up with salmonella-ridden video games. The other half are ticket-bearing games of chance. For each quarter you pump in...a varied amount of tickets come out. You're supposed to save these up and cash them in at the front desk for a prize. Little do you know, that you thought you did well to only spend 14 dollars on ticket games, and walked away with a cool 324 tickets....that you end up with a mini-slinky, 3 pencil top erasers shaped like Chucky, and 6 tootsie rolls. HUH?! All that work for THIS?
This is the same concept with hosting a party. You work your tail off, make food, plan activities, and end up with a mini-slinky. Completely not worth it. In addition, you invite people you don't really know or like in order to get 2 mini-slinkys.

I have come up with a much better solution.
Send out a postcard that says the following:

Dear XXXXXX,
We are holding a friends party. We probably going shopping and out to dinner. Plan on bringing 50-100 dollars and we'll have a really good time!!

The net result for the husband is the same--he watches the kids and is out 75 bucks.
The net result for the wife is much better--a night out with friends she knows and likes, and may come home with something purchased that she'll enjoy much better. No peer pressure. No awkwardly looking through the catalogue for the cheapest items. Not having to turn down the company rep who wants you to host another party.

Enough for now...I'm off to check out our new collapsible serving bowl.

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

The (2nd) Funniest Man in America

Phil Hendrie is the 2nd funniest man in America. (No offense...I just think Jim Gaffigan is the funniest person on the planet) Many of you may have no idea who Phil is. In fact, the namesake of my blog comes from this man's pure genius.
Putting it briefly, Phil is a radio talk show host. He has many "guests" whom he interviews, and then takes callers who may have comments on his guests. This is slightly deceiving, as Phil Hendrie actually is doing the voices of these "guests." The stories and discussions that take place are so ridiculous and offensive that some random AM radio listener that just "happened" upon the show without knowing the background, would be inclined to call the show and vent their feelings. And then the hilarity ensues.
It's actually quite amazing the topics he was able to "discuss" on his show. He pushed the limits of racism, religion, politics, sexuality and many other topics in the name of "make-believe." If any other talk show host would have addressed these topics under normal circumstances, they would have been fired much more quickly than Don Imus.
I probably have 40-60 Gigs of audio of his shows. I've passed many a boring day typing in code at the computer with Phil keeping me going. In fact, I've irritated past cube-mate's multiple times as I would spontaneously burst into laughter.
My blog would be infinitely more popular if I just posted audio clips of his bits. Below is the youtube clip of what many consider his most popular clip of all time. It's good...but you have to hear the context of a full show to enjoy the total package. The best part is that he just comes up with this stuff on the fly.
The character's name is Mavis Leanord. You can read more about her and her background on Henripedia. This clip is relating to her nephew who just passed away. She heard that the Catholic religion ate the body/blood of Jesus in their Sacraments, and is distressed. I in no shape or form endorse any of the beliefs given in this clip. But it is really funny. There is mild language and topic.

Monday, June 2, 2008

Real life wins again....

Scientists say that the male is the provider and protector for the family. In attempting to fulfill this role, I'll convey to you our current living situation.

We recently moved from a mid-size city to a very small town in Idaho. We were still in the process of selling our home, so I found a place to rent until our home sold. Now the townhouse I found was a decent accommodation in itself...central vac, only a few years old, 3 bedrooms. And to top it all off, it is nestled between the following:
The Interstate on one side.
The railroad tracks on another.
A very old trailer park on another side.

Yeah...I know how to pick em. But it does have a very nice park that is communal for all the townhouses which is directly behind our place. I thought it would be great that the kids could go out and play whenever they want to. What I didn't realize, was that I couldn't keep the other neighborhood hoodlums away from the park either. My children have learned various terms since playing with these kids--"dumpster diving", "bitch", "crack-whore." (OK, I made that last one up) Needless to say....today we are closing on a new home and we'll be moving out in the next couple weeks.

Well, we decided to go on a Sunday family walk yesterday. There is another city park just down the street from us directly across from the trailer park. I thought I'd show you a few pictures from my camera phone that show you how I'm attempting to be the protector for my family.




Nothing says "family fun" like the railroad tracks within spitting distance of the swing-set. The good thing is that my kids can learn Spanish as the train goes by from the graffiti on the cars.



I don't really know how to explain this one. There was one other family at the park while we were there. They had found some old cardboard boxes, and a mickey mouse parasol, and had either constructed a fort, or a meth lab. I wanted to get closer to take this picture, but didn't want to test the validity of my newly purchased life insurance policy. In addition, they have a community trash pick-up bin there...but instead of doggie-doo bags, there are rubber gloves to pick up hypodermic needles. Another good thing, is that there is always a local cop on neighboring streets...so we always feel safe. I wonder why the cops are always around....?

Why is it that many of the mobile homes are poorly maintained? Is it really that difficult to mow 1/10th of an acre, or spray a hose on the grass from time to time? Don't get me wrong...there are a few nice-looking places and yards. But have some pride. Take care of your crap. And wear a shirt. And quit buying pit-bulls. And quit giving the appearance of a yard sale even when you're not. That tears it....I'm moving.

Sunday, June 1, 2008

Kimbo

I don't watch mixed martial arts fights...that is until last night. I've actually only heard of 1 MMA fighter in my life. (Kurt Angle--whom was involved in the WWF...yes...I have watched the WWF, and even went to a live show--I can't believe I'm admitting that) I have no real interest in MMA. The "best" fighters in the sport are generally the ones who end up on the ground wrestling and cause their opponents to "tap out" because of some submission move that was named after a level in Dante's inferno. I don't like wrestling...it's boring. And beyond that, it's really boring. I remember in junior high school, the wrestling coach invited me to practice to check it out. (OK---I was a smallish-type pre-teen. Why is it that the skinny dweeb kids always end up in wrestling?--Anyway) Well, after seeing each wrestler lick each other's armpits attempting the "southern cross" submission move, I quickly turned my attention to other sports. (Like ping-pong at which I am adept)
Well this week, the sports-talk radio hosts were talking about this Internet-famous street brawler named Kimbo Slice who has started dabbling into MMA, and actually won a few bouts. As you can see, the man is a behemoth. You can read more about him on wikipedia if you're interested. What would cause me to watch the CBS-televised event you may ask? Well---duh--he looks just like Clubber Lang....and anything that has to do with Rocky will catch my attention.
I flipped back and forth between other shows waiting for the main event...chick fighting, light-weights fighting....I was hoping for midget MMA. That would be something interesting. Finally the fighters took the ring. Now...I'm not going to exaggerate here...but Kimbo's opponent from England had the nastiest cauliflower ear I've ever been privileged to behold. (Reason #27 not to wrestle)
Anyhow...I won't bore you with the details, but Kimbo ended up landing a hay maker into James Thompson's bloated cauliflower ear, and burst it. It goes down as one of the most vile disgusting things you've ever seen. Let me repeat this---he popped his bloated ear full of pussy goo-crud.
Kimbo ended up winning the fight, and since then the MMA "purists" have poo-pooed his victory, calling him an amateur who would get beaten soundly by a "professional." Someone needs to inform these people, that if they have a fighting personality who spans more than their normal audience of Albuquerque meth-heads, Butt-rock pot-heads, and former high school football players who now take steroids, then they need to PROMOTE the crap out of it. Let's see....a psycho, powerful fighter who tries to knock people out with one punch...hmm...sound familiar. (read a previous post with a boxing tag to find out who this is)
And the cauliflower ear was so disgusting, that I you-tubed it here for your viewing pleasure.

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