Monday, November 3, 2008

A plethora of boobs

Up until the age of 15, I had many "pretend" jobs. Mowing lawns, shoveling snow, etc. At 15, I decided that I wanted to be a lifeguard. The glory....the sun....the chicks...this job had it all.
I took a life guarding course which was actually fairly strenuous. Some of the challenges necessary to complete the course were:

Treading water while holding a 10 pound brick above the water for 1 minute.
Swimming 25 meters in 16 seconds.
Deep water rescues with back injuries.
Crossing my legs nonchalantly to suppress my raging hormones while dripping wet females practiced CPR on me. (no mouth-to-mouth action...instead they would do a pretend "breath" to the side of my head--my neck. This pretty much had the same effect as stuffing their tongue down my throat.)

After receiving this certification, I started job-hunting. As I lived in a land-locked western state, and the fact that I couldn't drive yet, my only option was a local water-park.
In the interview process where I dazzled them describing rescue techniques, and swimming prowess, I found out that the deepest water in the park was 5 feet. It appeared that the only skill I would be putting to use was my height while I walked towards a drowning victim.

Nevertheless, I was excited to be making $4.25 an hour getting a tan.

Little did I know the sights this 115 pound 15 year old would witness......

First of all, I had never seen so much skin in my entire life. Everywhere you looked, there was skin and cleavage. As a 15 year old skinny walking hormone, it was way worse than walking and chewing gum at the same time.

As if this job couldn't get any better, I learned about the speed slides.

We had some very high, steep slides that went straight down into a splash pool. There was a lifeguard at the bottom to ensure that nobody broke their neck, exited the pool, and to send the next slider. Nowhere in the job description did it say "peeping tom."

Many teenage boys learned the laws of simple physics at this location.

Place one woman on the slide with a bikini.
Send her down at 40 miles per hour.
Stop her almost instantly in a splash pool at the bottom.
Witness Newton's 3rd law of motion---For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. Watch as a 40 miles per hour swimsuit top is met by a stronger force of water, thus shooting the top directly over the head of the victim.
And there you have it...public pornography.

Needless to say, this was something I was looking forward to. I was a pretty naive kid, and had never seen "live" breasts in my life. (Ok, there was that time that I was at a friend's house, and his sister with Downs Syndrome flashed us. I didn't ask for it, nor did I enjoy it. I needed to wash my visual palette out from this experience.)

Looking back, I don't think I truly realized the odds of an enjoyable experience. Let's run a little math here:

There were roughly only 10-15% of women at the water park whom you'd actually like to see topless. Roughly 20% of these women were wearing bikinis, and only about 10% of bikini tops actually came off on the slide.
Complicated algebra states that you'd actually only get lucky with a "topless hotty" about .3% of the time. The odds weren't in your favor.

But a boy could hold out hope.

I saw boobs...lots of boobs at this location. But it wasn't good.

There was the time that the middle aged mom of 5 came down and walked out of the water unknowingly topless. When here family yelled to alert her, the tears started rolling. She was utterly embarrassed. I was even more embarrassed for her.

Another time a girl hit the water so hard, she got a bloody nose...and her top popped off. I turned my head and wondered what kind of sick freaks would get off on this.

And then it sunny afternoon, the stars aligned and sent the perfect woman down the slide. As she stood up after hitting the water, she rubbed the water out of here face, completely oblivious that she was giving a show.
But I couldn't look....I was too embarrassed. I turned my head, and leaned down and alerted her about the missing top. She quickly fixed her suit, and thanked me for being a gentleman.

Over the course of a summer, I saw more skin than Benny Hill. But even being a complete horn-dog teenage boy, getting excited over someones embarrassing experience wasn't something I could enjoy.

Plus, I now have the luxury of viewing my own man-boobs in the comfort of my own home whenever I wish. Viva la leche!!


Allison said...

This reminds me of the time I swam in the ocean for the first time and a wave took off my bottoms. I don't know how I got so lucky to actually see them floating...I am not exactly sure how I would have walked back to my towel.

Jenn Thorson said...

You always tell a good story, Matt.

This reminds me of when our assistant band director dove in the pool during a school pool party and lost his swimming trunks.

We have not yet recovered.

boisebyufans said...

Not surprising that you are a PERV, but also not surprising that you can also be a gentlemen, there's hope for you after all!! Your poor, poor, wife!!

The Nemesing One said...

You sicken me to the core!

muskrat said...

i'm let down. i thought there would be pictures.

Alex L said...

Man its been a long time since I've been to a public pool... maybe I should go back.

The mouth to mouth lessons sound like fun though!

Doug at Taunt Vortex said...

Meh. I'll have to echo Muskrat when I say this post is useless without pictures.

When I was about 13 I went to the beach with a friend and his parents. We were driving along the beach and just happened to pass a group of young adults playing beach volleyball.

My friend and I couldn't help but notice one young woman who was playing topless. And my friend's father just kept driving. Damn.

Prefers Her Fantasy Life said...

I wonder what the percentage of women you'd like to see in bikinis would be today--with the average diet consisting of Cheetos and all.

Matt said...

allison--I have never been in the water nude..on accident. I'd be worried about getting chafed bottomless in the ocean..yuck.

Jenn--I am sorry for your loss.

Boise--I am a perv...but do a good job of hiding it.

TNO--I realize how much you like boobs, and how this must be a complete let-down. Perhaps you can get excited vicariously through me.

muskrat--I know..but this blog is also for the kiddies.

alex--public pools are a wasteland of germs. I get mentally sick every time.

Doug--I wonder how awkward that would be gawking at a topless chick with your dad?

Prefers--just wife.

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