Dennis Kucinich: Ok..let's call this meeting to order. We're almost finished here, and have one last request to hear. I'm so sick of sitting on these phone books all day.
Chris Dodd: It appears we have one last bailout request...from a "Matt" residing in Idaho. Can you explain why you are here sir?
Matt: Yes. I am seeking a bailout package for myself. I am seeking 25 thousand dollars in government loans, which will certainly never be re-payed.
Dodd: Can you explain why you need this bailout?
Matt: If I do not receive this money, I estimate that my family may run out of money by the end of the year, or early next year.
Dodd: What do you mean may?
Matt: Well, it depends on if I purchase a Wii for Christmas. Also, if you guys could keep the gas prices low for a while, that would really be nice. My Suburban only cost 57 dollars to fill up last week.
Dodd: A Suburban??!! If there is to be any bailout, then it should be tied to environmental conditions.
Matt: My Mom always says its not the miles per gallon that matters, but the miles per gallon per passenger. I've got passengers in spades.
Dodd: What about your carbon footprint?
Matt: Umm...I used to recycle plastic/paper/cardboard in my previous home.
Matt: Yes. I moved, and this new city charges 5 bucks a month to recycle, and it just isn't worth it.
Richard Shelby: How would the bailout money be used?
Matt: There are literally a handful of people who rely on the success of my income. Bankruptcy would be devastating to the vast number of people relying upon me.
Tim Johnson: How many rely on you?
Matt: 5 not including me, but I would guess that our consumer spending keeps at least 1/5 of a person employed at Walmart.
Johnson: Are you approaching bankruptcy?
Johnson: Do you have a steady job?
Matt: Umm...right now I do. But this money will enable me to push valuable money into the open market. We're looking at a boat, a camp trailer, and a winter vacation would be nice.
Debbie Stabenow: I can't really see you through my tears and eye shadow, but I don't think we can offer you the money.
Matt: I just purchased a home in the summer. Can I get some kind of kick-back?
Evan Bayh: Are you a first-time home buyer? Do you have a high cost adjustable rate mortgage? Did you practice poor money-management and purchase a home you couldn't afford?
Bayh: Then I'm afraid we have nothing for you.
Matt: What if I become a bank? Could I get some money that way?
Dodd: Perhaps. We do have some funds available for bank holding companies. How much capital do you have to lend?
Matt: Duh...none. That's why I need some money from you. Wait!! I did lend a buddy 8 bucks for lunch the other day. He still hasn't paid me back. He'll probably take me to Taco Bell, and call it even. I hate that guy.
Dodd: 8 dollars? I'm sorry, but I don't think you qualify as a bank. Now, I believe we're finished here, so...
Matt: I talked to Harry Paulsen, and he said I'd be able to at least score a little cash.
Dodd: Who's Harry Paulsen?
Matt: You know...that money guy.
Dodd: You mean Henry Paulsen?
Matt: Oh yeah...I knew that. Harry is my Bank of America teller in my local branch. He still thinks I should get some money.
Matt: Wait!! How about this. I will move to California, and vote No on proposition 8.
Dodd: This vote has already taken place, and has nothing to do with the bailout.
Matt: Even if I wear a skirt and memorize the words to the "Rocky Horror picture show?"
Dodd: Even then. Let me ask you one last question. Are you; unemployed, low-income, a first-time home buyer, fiscally irresponsible, displaced because of a natural disaster, living in Alaska, devoid of health insurance, or a disabled veteran?
Dodd: Then I believe we're finished here.
Matt: Can I at least get my parking validated?