Thursday, November 20, 2008

Mr. Matt goes to Washington

Dennis Kucinich: Ok..let's call this meeting to order. We're almost finished here, and have one last request to hear. I'm so sick of sitting on these phone books all day.

Chris Dodd: It appears we have one last bailout request...from a "Matt" residing in Idaho. Can you explain why you are here sir?

Matt: Yes. I am seeking a bailout package for myself. I am seeking 25 thousand dollars in government loans, which will certainly never be re-payed.

Dodd: Can you explain why you need this bailout?

Matt: If I do not receive this money, I estimate that my family may run out of money by the end of the year, or early next year.

Dodd: What do you mean may?

Matt: Well, it depends on if I purchase a Wii for Christmas. Also, if you guys could keep the gas prices low for a while, that would really be nice. My Suburban only cost 57 dollars to fill up last week.

Dodd: A Suburban??!! If there is to be any bailout, then it should be tied to environmental conditions.

Matt: My Mom always says its not the miles per gallon that matters, but the miles per gallon per passenger. I've got passengers in spades.

Dodd: What about your carbon footprint?

Matt: Umm...I used to recycle plastic/paper/cardboard in my previous home.

Dodd: Previous??

Matt: Yes. I moved, and this new city charges 5 bucks a month to recycle, and it just isn't worth it.

Richard Shelby: How would the bailout money be used?

Matt: There are literally a handful of people who rely on the success of my income. Bankruptcy would be devastating to the vast number of people relying upon me.

Tim Johnson: How many rely on you?

Matt: 5 not including me, but I would guess that our consumer spending keeps at least 1/5 of a person employed at Walmart.

Johnson: Are you approaching bankruptcy?


Johnson: Do you have a steady job?

Matt: Umm...right now I do. But this money will enable me to push valuable money into the open market. We're looking at a boat, a camp trailer, and a winter vacation would be nice.

Debbie Stabenow: I can't really see you through my tears and eye shadow, but I don't think we can offer you the money.

Matt: I just purchased a home in the summer. Can I get some kind of kick-back?

Evan Bayh: Are you a first-time home buyer? Do you have a high cost adjustable rate mortgage? Did you practice poor money-management and purchase a home you couldn't afford?

Matt: No.

Bayh: Then I'm afraid we have nothing for you.

Matt: What if I become a bank? Could I get some money that way?

Dodd: Perhaps. We do have some funds available for bank holding companies. How much capital do you have to lend?

Matt: Duh...none. That's why I need some money from you. Wait!! I did lend a buddy 8 bucks for lunch the other day. He still hasn't paid me back. He'll probably take me to Taco Bell, and call it even. I hate that guy.

Dodd: 8 dollars? I'm sorry, but I don't think you qualify as a bank. Now, I believe we're finished here, so...

Matt: I talked to Harry Paulsen, and he said I'd be able to at least score a little cash.

Dodd: Who's Harry Paulsen?

Matt: You know...that money guy.

Dodd: You mean Henry Paulsen?

Matt: Oh yeah...I knew that. Harry is my Bank of America teller in my local branch. He still thinks I should get some money.

Matt: Wait!! How about this. I will move to California, and vote No on proposition 8.

Dodd: This vote has already taken place, and has nothing to do with the bailout.

Matt: Even if I wear a skirt and memorize the words to the "Rocky Horror picture show?"

Dodd: Even then. Let me ask you one last question. Are you; unemployed, low-income, a first-time home buyer, fiscally irresponsible, displaced because of a natural disaster, living in Alaska, devoid of health insurance, or a disabled veteran?

Matt: No.

Dodd: Then I believe we're finished here.

Matt: Can I at least get my parking validated?


eve cleveland said...

You really tickle me..stumbled ya.
Hearts and kittens,

Gary ("Old Dude") said...

---read it, chuckled out loud three time, and snorted acouple more------good one kid.

Silly Swedish Skier Says So said...

I'd love to pay $5 per month for recycling if someone would come and pick it up.
But then I'd also like to have a house in Idaho where I could ski the pow!!!!

Darryl said...

If you had arrived in your own private jet or maybe ridden the Amtrak with Joe Biden, you would have had a better chance at getting a handout.

Da Old Man said...

You made a few critical mistakes.
$25,000? That should be to just cover your trip home. Think billions.
Second, as a blogger and blog reader, you occasionally click on Google ads which help to support the intoverted extroverts, the criminally insane, the incarcerated, the indigent, the negligent, and the downright indignant, the disabled, and various union workers. You will need at least a billion for that.
Third, you fear that such bloggers as you have helped support such as CrotchetyOldMan may have to outsource, sending valuable blogging jobs and dollars to China and India, further destroying the balance of trade that is crippling our economy.
Ask for 3.16 billion dollars as immediate needs money, until you figure out exactly how much you will need.

King of New York Hacks said...

more money and guaranty bids and annuities and you are in like flynn.

Prefers Her Fantasy Life said...

If you put on fishnets and sing "Damn It, Jane It" I'll give you money.

muskrat said...

i like it.

Hobbes said...


Matt said...

eve--thanks for the stumble.

Gary--My work will not be done until you blow coffee on your keyboard.

Swede--We have a cheesy resort 10 minutes out of town...but Jackson and Sun Valley are a couple hours away. Now if they'd only let me ski free....

Darryl--Would you be my secretary of state?

Old Man--Do you manage hedge funds?? If so, where do I sign up??

King--one can only dream

Prefers--How much are we talking here?? Do youtube clips suffice?


Stacey Kimmel-Smith said...

This post totally rocks -- I laughed out loud (inappropriately) at work (I'm a reference librarian). It's bad when the patrons shush me.

Kelly said...

So much truth in your post, Matt. And humor. Well, gee, I sure wish you could have gotten a bailout. I thought for certain you would seeing as how you were going to wear a skirt and memorize all the words to one of the greatest movies of all time.

Only the mega wealthy and fiscally irresponsible can get a mega hand out these days. Sad but true.

Chris Bowers said...

Very funny!

Alex L said...

I can't believe they didnt cash you up. I mean you don't even have a wii, you must be in grave financial trouble.

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