Friday, November 14, 2008

Lost on the internet highway with only Google as my GPS

As noted in the first installment of this 2-part series, it appeared that I was receiving many gay Google search hits even though I'm only 1/4 gay. I'm confused by this.

Today's search hits focus more on porn and molestation.
You know, for a PG-13 blog that feels decent about the kiddies stopping by, I sure get some creepy search hits.
I'd say that over 50% of my search term hits referenced some sexually explicit topic. And about 0% of these actually stayed over 5 seconds. So sorry for you.
On with the show.

-how much water do we lose in tears per day?
I think this truly depends on who's asking... Let's say this is Tammy Faye Baker. She probably exudes about a 2-liter of tears per day. That's Enough brine to cure 8 pounds of meat.
The more interesting search would be "how much water do we lose in urine per day?" If you ask Bear Grylls, the answer would be none, as he'd drink all that exited his pee pee. (I haven't said the word pee pee for years, and it just felt right there)

-how to overcome body issues with doctor because you were molested
Again, these poor people who were molested end up at my site. Let me just tell you this....
No woman is comfortable when the word speculum is mentioned.
No man feels at his best when we hear the words "turn your head and cough."
And nobody....nobody can overcome an anal spotlight search by their dermatologist.

-how to say stop hammertime in
I suppose this person hit the enter button before they could finish this search, so I'll finish it for them.

Spanish--pare el tiempo del martillo
Dutch--de tijd van de eindehamer
French--arrêtez le temps de marteau
German--stoppen Sie Hammerzeit
Russian--остановите время молотка
Road sign--

-is it ok to burn off moles?
As long as it's not on your genitals. Singed pubic hair carries a terrible smell.

-my dream is to ride a bike
Phoebe Buffay....Welcome to That tears it....!

-olympic diving crotch grab
I actually think this may be a great idea. I'd really like to see Michael Jackson leap from the 10 meter platform, and get judged on how well he grabs his crotch before he hits the water at 25 mph, and breaks 14 bones in his pretend face.
It would be very close race for the gold medal between Usher, Justin Timberlake, and Paul Reubens.

-pampered chef banana hammock
I've discussed in the past how I feel about women selling crap in stupid parties which guilt trip their friends (my wife) into buying stuff that is totally unnecessary.
This search term may have merit though. Who wouldn't buy a relish tray from a buff hairless dude in a purple glittery swimsuit.
Then again, this could backfire if you wanted to demonstrate a fondue pot, and lather your inner thighs with molten lava hot melted cheddar.

-reflection related to female anatomy on a female sporting event
I sure hope you searched this while watching women's beach volleyball, and not when the Chinese women's gymnastics team was taking the floor you pervert.

-see no evil hear no evil naked bathroom video
You are in luck here. Oddly enough, I know exactly what this searcher was looking for...although he won't find it on my site. (I saw this movie via my Grandma)
There's a scene in "See no evil, hear no evil" where Gene Wilder is poking around the bathroom while Joan Severance is taking a shower. She appears topless, and Gene pulls his hand out of his pocket where it appears he is holding a gun...and the "gun" still appears to be poking out in his pants. Or something like that.
Oddly enough, Gene Wilder has never been in one of my erotic fantasies, nor do I hope he ever will be. This alone should prohibit one from searching for this video.
Mr Skin would be a better destination to get your answer on this topic.

-something to instantly inhale odors
Here in the states, we call this a nose.

-Timothy Olyphant future movies
After "Hitman" there should not have been a single script sent to his house. This guy should be modeling underwear...not acting.

-twig and berries porn
Why oh why? I'm not going to attempt to translate the motives of this google user. I would bet that his (or her) next search was "boobies porn."

-two twigs and tree berries
I think this is in reference to the new sports drama starring Michael Jordan and Lance Armstrong.

-why do men urinate in toilet versus urinal?
You mean why do men pee sitting down rather than standing up??
Why don't you ask my wife??


Allison said...

Twigs and Berries? Seriously.

Diesel said...

That was by far the best thing about that movie.

Ad Infinitum said...

I'm tempted to take some of these things and google them up myself... but on second thought.... i'd rather not :D

David said...

Uh, yeah. That olympic crotch grab thing - I don't think they expected the diver to grab their own crotch...I'm just saying....I've read about this sort of thing.

Kelly said...

How old were those Chinese girls? Ten? Eleven? They should have called it Chinese Little Girls Gymnastics. Geez! Some of them looked like they still had their baby teeth.

Like your site, man. Pretty darn cool.

Alex L said...

I still get search hits for 'myf warhursts tits' from one tiny throw away comment I made in a post... And now I've said this in your comments thread, you will to!

Heinous said...

That hammertime thing is really going to come in handy. Now if I could find my baggy pants.

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