Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Kids---not just for the tax benefits

There are many reasons to have children. During this time of the year, let me give one that is of utmost importance.

No doubt you are being bombarded by cute little kids coming to your door selling wrapping paper, cookies, and pies for school fund-raisers. No?
Then I'm sure you have a co-worker that has come around offering the same items for "his kid." No?
Then you'll surely have a niece, nephew or other child relative waiting in the wings for you to order the same thing? No?
Then you must be on the sex offender list, and parents have told their kids that zombies live in your house.

True story--When I worked at a restaurant, (we'll call it Outback Makehouse) a co-worker asked everyone if they'd be interested in buying fudge for a school fund-raiser from his "niece." Luckily for him, all servers have cash at the end of the night, and it was an easy sell. I even threw in 15 or 20 bucks for some chocolaty goodness.
He hung up the sales booklet of goodies and an envelope to pay on the bulletin board near the office in the back of the restaurant. I'd say he had collected a good 2 or 300 bucks towards his niece getting a free can of "silly string" for selling so much.

And then he disappeared.

How much is a job at a restaurant worth to you? It was obviously worth less than 300 bucks for him. I am certainly going to "Better off Dead" this guy and haunt him for much more than 2 dollars for the rest of his life.

As fate would have it, my kids have now entered this phase of con-man gestapo cute face/puppy dog eyes tactics to sell crap to loved ones and neighbors. If the school needs money, just come ask me for some. Don't make my kids go door to door in the rain hoping to earn enough "sales" to get a squishy ball, when the school only gets 30% of the profit!!!

So we've set up some guidelines--Mom and Dad buy from each of the kids. Grandma and Grandpa's have the option to buy, and we'll bother nobody else.

This has given me the greatest excuse ever when dealing with those cute cuddly little kids selling wrapping paper and Christmas doilies door to door----"I'm sorry....we've already bought some from our kids."
Zero guilt for sending kids away. It's like being a jerk without the calories---Diet Jerk.

And now for 2 more funny things:

You should stop by and read my new post today at scrivel.com. (click the previous sentence) It's also about door-to-door salesman, and is guaranteed to be semi-funny.

And lastly--
I realize that President Bush is not very popular, and people are upset with him for a multitude of things. But if I found out that he had taught my kid "the shocker"......I would go ape-wild.


Allison said...

I don't have kids, so can I say I bought something from my cat? I really don't need the stuff, but guilt is a tricky thing. Thanks for the tip for when I do get around to having kids.

eve cleveland said...

I got a boat load a kids and I want one of them thangs to hang on my trailer door knob. Where do I pay you, Shug?

Alex L said...

I saw that photo a while ago at 'hotchickswithdouchebags.com' and I just laughed, apparently its some college cougar paw salute... but its clearly the 'shocker'.

I'm glad we don't really get any kids coming around selling crap, and we never really did fundraisers when I was at school.

Matt said...

Allison--None of us need it...that's the beauty of it.

Eve--Paypal works best, although I will take a money order from some friends in Nigeria.

Alex--yes...It's the ASU "pitchfork," but it's funny nonetheless.

Athena said...

Oh man, look at his face! He looks so gleeful! Love it.

Gary ("Old Dude") said...

LOL---the very first thing they teach door to door sales people is if ya find a house with a "No Soliciting" sign, you practically have a sale in your pocket, it tells the sales people you have no real resistance to a good sales pitch. Putting a no solicitation sign up is like putting catnip out for cats.

Anonymous said...

When our kids were in school we didn't allow them to participate in the solicitations at all and the teachers would get so p.o.'d but we would donate to the school and take the kids out for a treat or something to make up for it. I was flabbergasted when they started with the Kindergartners for sales. Ridiculous!

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