Wednesday, November 5, 2008

All gay roads lead here

The other day I wandered over to Google analytics for a quick look-see. I had received a bunch of traffic one day for no apparent reason. (by a bunch, I mean more than my family and relatives who read this blog) I guess one of my posts somehow landed on and pushed a couple hundred people my way. After spending 3 seconds on my blog, they all quickly hit the "back" button.

While I was looking through the mounds of data on Google analytics, I stumbled across the Google search terms that had brought people to my blog. In a blatant attempt to rip off dozens of other blogs who do this same thing, I want to list a few of these search terms for your enjoyment. There were quite a few that I found humorous, and I will probably roll this into a 2-part post, with the follow-up next week.

-Does Timothy Olyphant have dentures

I'll admit that this guy has a nice set of choppers. In fact, I hear the new rage among multi-millionaire actors is to get dentures instead of crowns or implants. Look at the advantages:
You can brush your teeth down in the sink.
Leave your teeth in a minty solution overnight, and never have "morning breath" when you wake up.
You can have multiple sets of teeth. "Angry" teeth, "seductive" teeth, and perhaps "flava flav" teeth.

-prostate exam molest

There are actually two schools of thought here, and it depends on who's doing the exam. Was it a male or female? If you claim molestation while a woman is performing the jelly finger, then you need to be punched. On the other hand, when a man with Tony Robbin's hands throws on the rubber glove, you may have cause for concern.
I think the general rule is the "double swirly." If there are more than 2 rotations of the fingers, you should be alarmed.

-dirty talk cursing

I'm actually wondering if there is a way to have dirty talk without cursing. Let's run through a few test cases:
"Oh, your manliness is so manly."
"Smack my rump."
"Your aeriola are as large as dinner plates."
I'm hot already.

-taco bell and rodent

Whoa!!!! You're treading on thin ice here. Why don't you just go insult the Pope while you're at it.
Taco Bell is part of the holy trinity of drive-thru joints. (Whataburger and In-N-Out complete the triumvirate)
To insinuate that Taco Bell has rodents in their meat or restaurant is an abomination...unless you consider cat to be a rodent. Then you are correct.

-things we were never told about after the baby
Here's a few you might have missed:
6 weeks until sex.
Decreased sleep by 30%.
12-15 diaper changes per day.
Cleaning the umbilical cord. (I still think this is weird)
But, nobody can explain how cool it is to hold your own child. Awesome.

-32 minutes in hell

You're actually wrong about the time. It's actually considered 30 minutes in hell, and happens on Mondays on CBS at 9PM EST. Others call it "2 and half men."

-banana hammock gay porn

Why can't a straight man wear a banana hammock? Who cares if I want to show off my milky white thighs at the water park?
It's curious that I don't have any searches of "banana hammock straight porn."


What the hell were you trying to find here? If you want to narrow your search results, I suggest putting quotations around the word, or using Boolean expressions. For example, deep OR deep may help. Dumb ass.

-Dirty talk for dummies

I've got you covered here. Please send $29.95 plus $6.99 shipping and handling to my paypal address. I'll conveniently map out the approach you'll want to take in the bedroom. We'll start with a few "smack my rumps," and work forward to integrating curse words.
Practice makes perfect, so we suggest you repeat our phrases multiple times per day. At work, in front of the mirror, in confession, etc.

-Does e coli make poop smell worse?

There is a reason people use the term, "that smells like crap." This is because poop is about the worst smelling material on planet earth. I have yet to see a reality show on BravoTV that judges the smell of poop. (holy cow...I totally have "prior art" on this idea. You read it here first) This would be silly. What would they call it?? D-list celebrity poop-off? (WOW...I should totally be in marketing)

-dummies guide to urinal flushing instructions

I'll give it to you now, so that next time you hit my site, you'll actually have an answer to your question.
First, pee. Secondly, walk away and let the auto-flush mechanism take over. If you live in Arkansas, then this may be different. I also cover this:
First, pee. Secondly, depress the small handle labeled "flush."
Please wash hands in either case.

-dirty talk with mom

Some things require no response, nor do I have one here. I thought Ed Gein was dead.

-fisting bei McDonalds

I hope this is a new fish sandwich that Mcdonalds is planning on releasing, because I don't want to know the true nature of this search.

-forced smelling feet gay

Hmmm. There sure are a lot of gay references bringing people to my site.
Forcing someone to smell your feet is not gay. In fact, this has been a tactical maneuver used by big brothers across the country for years. Used along with "wet woolies," "indian burns," and "loosened pepper shaker lids," you have a normal well-adjusted teenage boy.

-help getting over molestation

First of all, the internet is probably not the best place to find the answer to this question.
Secondly, I have never gotten over my prior experience.
Dr. Matt is currently out of the office.

Check back next week for part 2 of "creepy gay Google searches that bring people to this site."


The Nemesing One said...

Ah Princess, this comes as no surprise to me!!

Allison said...

I don't care how many people have written a Google Analytics post. It never gets old. "forced smelling feet gay"? And, I'm sorry, I'm really immature, but banana hammock made me giggle. the most often searched term to get to my blog is: tom cruise tighty whities.

Or something with porn.

Gary ("Old Dude") said...

I don't understand why people using search terms affects traffic to blogs---so looking forward to your giving us examples of search terms and keywords----and how to make use of them.

Candice said...

Okay, I admit it. I'm to blame for the prostate exam molest search. I figure you can never be too educated on such topics.

Doug at Taunt Vortex said...

Okay,a couple of things:

1. The water park called - they care.

2. What's with the drawing by your profile, instead of the photo? I can only speak for myself, but I'd rather see a photo where you look like Dr. Dorian than a drawing where you look like Lee Harvey Oswald.


Diana said...

Haha those are good. I was surprised at some of the terms people used to find my site.

Matt said...

TNO--I try to uphold your image of me at all times.

allison--I couldn't put a few of the searches...this is a pg13 site. I'm sure they were let down when they got here though.

gary--I'm confused. Wait...maybe not. I was just saying that somebody submitted one of my posts to reddit, and it got a few hundred hits..and while looking at these stats, I wandered over to the searches that brought people to my blog.
I can be confusing at times.

candice--I didn't realize it was such a common practice with women. mammography and prostate exam in one shot huh? yuck.

Doug--I had more fear that people at work or around town would stumble across this someday...and find dirt in the archives.
My serial killer picture is much more vague.

diana--It's the only reason I installed google analytics on the site.

SILLYA said...

Funny-- Matt -- in reference to your last response to "Doug"-- yea, I was reading your blog one day and called my hubs in to read something that I found funny-- well he looks at your picture and says "hey, I know that guy"...yea, I found you through "Muskrat" and yea, we happen to live in Boise and yea, my husband happens to be an Engineer. In the event that was really you or maybe the photo you borrowed is of a familiar looking look like someone my husband knows of...

Matt said...

Sillya--What a small world. Funny how that happened.
Unfortunately, I quit my job with said company in Boise about a year ago. There was a plan to move me to San Jose, and I wasn't too I found another job.
I still live in Idaho, and still do boring Engineering work.

Kate said...

I think we may share readers - I get a significant number of gay related searches too. Which is odd, because I've only ever used the term in one post.

That dirty talk with mom thing is a bit scary, I'm guessing they aren't a traditional family.

SILLYA said...

Matt-- I have no idea what company you did work for...I have only been here with you for a few months...San Jose, huh... interesting...

Major Undeclared said...

Unbelievable! What on the site makes these gay links? If you think about it, the site is gonna get a lot more reviews when you write your next review on "gay pillows munching obama"

Sully Sullivan said...

Man there are some great ones in there. My favorite, obviously, is "deep". What in the hell?

Matt said...

kate--dirty talk with mom..totally weird.

major--my hidden gayness must shine through.

Sully--deep was my personal favorite also. I have a couple others up there in my next installment.

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