Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Time's a wasting

When I was a younger, I always heard people complain about how they never had any extra time in the day. They'd say that they wished there were more hours in the day. I also wished this, but for the sole reason that I could sleep 14 hours in one day instead of 7-8.
Unfortunately, I've turned into the people that I used to scoff. I now have very little extra time in my life.

I started this blog for many reasons. One was to improve my story-telling/writing skills. As my blog now qualifies as "elementary-school" reading level, I think I've definitely improved. I also wanted to have people stop by and get a smile from something I've written. To my 9 loyal readers, I hope this has been true.
After a month of posting, I realized that it was very easy to put out mindless drivel for a post. A blog that releases a post every single day, generally has a higher return rate of regular readers, so it was tempting for me to put out something every day.
Unfortunately, to release a post every day was a two-edged sword. I had to either sacrifice time or quality.

So I moved to posting about 3x a week. I felt that this would be a good level to put out funny posts without spending too much time on this blog.

Alas, I have found that the one or more of the following must be true to put out a high-quality, regular posting blog:

You are unemployed.
You are retired.
You have no children, or have a live-in nanny.
You are a stay-at-home mom who blogs when children are napping.
You blog at work.
You cheat your spouse and children of quality time.
You make actual money with your blog. (hahahaha)
You are Stephon Marbury.
F) none of the above

I answer F to the above question, and thus have to re-evaluate how I divvy out my time.

I rarely cut into "family time" to blog. It's too important. I sometimes ditch the wife in the evenings to write a post.
I also sometimes write a few paragraphs during slow time at work.

In this economic "clogged toilet," I think that having a good job is very important. I work for a good company, and make a decent living. I'd rather like to keep my job. I would hate to get laid off, and the reason they use is "internet usage at work."
That would be a great "welcome home."

Matt: Hi Honey.
Wife: Why are you home early?
Matt: I got laid off.
Wife: Why.
Matt: So a few people could get a laugh on my blog.
Wife: Are they going to give us money?
Matt: Perhaps for sexual favors.

In addition, blogging is more like a community. Only a narcissist puts out content on his/her blog, and never goes to read any other blogs.
Recently, my time reading other blogs has decreased greatly as I try not to view many external web-sites at work.

The moral of the story is that I cannot put out quality humor content on a regular basis with my current schedule. Thus I have decided to put this blog on "hiatus" until the new year. At that time, I think I'll concentrate on putting out posts that I am truly proud of...even if is only once or twice a month. I will not post YouTube videos or tell you about what I ate for lunch just to get "something out there."

In the meantime, please subscribe to this blog in the right-hand corner of the page. You won't have to check in, but will still receive any new content.

I also still write periodically for You'll still see one or two posts a month there.

Most free time blogging will be spent at Go check it out. A completely different take on reviews, and there is a good team of funny writers.

To my 9 loyal readers who have followed me regularly, I thank you. Future posts will be forthcoming, and hopefully be very funny.

Monday, November 24, 2008

BCS dreaming

2004...BCS bound....

2008...BCS bound....


The "Holy War" on Saturday did not live up to its billing as BYU QB Max "what's that wrinkle between your eyes" Hall personally accounted for 6 turnovers. When asked about his propensity for turnovers after the game, he replied "I love all, cherry, and even those weird chocolate ones that Arbys put out for a while."

Utah coach Kyle "that's where my 30 pounds went" Whittingham took a Gatorade bath, and quieted all the rumors that the only reason Utah was successful in 2004 was because of Urban Meyer.

And in the "sweeter than Grandma's apple pie" vein, the Utes have probably blocked Boise State from gaining entrance to the BCS for the 2nd time in 5 years. How sweet it is!!!

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Mr. Matt goes to Washington

Dennis Kucinich: Ok..let's call this meeting to order. We're almost finished here, and have one last request to hear. I'm so sick of sitting on these phone books all day.

Chris Dodd: It appears we have one last bailout request...from a "Matt" residing in Idaho. Can you explain why you are here sir?

Matt: Yes. I am seeking a bailout package for myself. I am seeking 25 thousand dollars in government loans, which will certainly never be re-payed.

Dodd: Can you explain why you need this bailout?

Matt: If I do not receive this money, I estimate that my family may run out of money by the end of the year, or early next year.

Dodd: What do you mean may?

Matt: Well, it depends on if I purchase a Wii for Christmas. Also, if you guys could keep the gas prices low for a while, that would really be nice. My Suburban only cost 57 dollars to fill up last week.

Dodd: A Suburban??!! If there is to be any bailout, then it should be tied to environmental conditions.

Matt: My Mom always says its not the miles per gallon that matters, but the miles per gallon per passenger. I've got passengers in spades.

Dodd: What about your carbon footprint?

Matt: Umm...I used to recycle plastic/paper/cardboard in my previous home.

Dodd: Previous??

Matt: Yes. I moved, and this new city charges 5 bucks a month to recycle, and it just isn't worth it.

Richard Shelby: How would the bailout money be used?

Matt: There are literally a handful of people who rely on the success of my income. Bankruptcy would be devastating to the vast number of people relying upon me.

Tim Johnson: How many rely on you?

Matt: 5 not including me, but I would guess that our consumer spending keeps at least 1/5 of a person employed at Walmart.

Johnson: Are you approaching bankruptcy?


Johnson: Do you have a steady job?

Matt: Umm...right now I do. But this money will enable me to push valuable money into the open market. We're looking at a boat, a camp trailer, and a winter vacation would be nice.

Debbie Stabenow: I can't really see you through my tears and eye shadow, but I don't think we can offer you the money.

Matt: I just purchased a home in the summer. Can I get some kind of kick-back?

Evan Bayh: Are you a first-time home buyer? Do you have a high cost adjustable rate mortgage? Did you practice poor money-management and purchase a home you couldn't afford?

Matt: No.

Bayh: Then I'm afraid we have nothing for you.

Matt: What if I become a bank? Could I get some money that way?

Dodd: Perhaps. We do have some funds available for bank holding companies. How much capital do you have to lend?

Matt: Duh...none. That's why I need some money from you. Wait!! I did lend a buddy 8 bucks for lunch the other day. He still hasn't paid me back. He'll probably take me to Taco Bell, and call it even. I hate that guy.

Dodd: 8 dollars? I'm sorry, but I don't think you qualify as a bank. Now, I believe we're finished here, so...

Matt: I talked to Harry Paulsen, and he said I'd be able to at least score a little cash.

Dodd: Who's Harry Paulsen?

Matt: You know...that money guy.

Dodd: You mean Henry Paulsen?

Matt: Oh yeah...I knew that. Harry is my Bank of America teller in my local branch. He still thinks I should get some money.

Matt: Wait!! How about this. I will move to California, and vote No on proposition 8.

Dodd: This vote has already taken place, and has nothing to do with the bailout.

Matt: Even if I wear a skirt and memorize the words to the "Rocky Horror picture show?"

Dodd: Even then. Let me ask you one last question. Are you; unemployed, low-income, a first-time home buyer, fiscally irresponsible, displaced because of a natural disaster, living in Alaska, devoid of health insurance, or a disabled veteran?

Matt: No.

Dodd: Then I believe we're finished here.

Matt: Can I at least get my parking validated?

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Kids---not just for the tax benefits

There are many reasons to have children. During this time of the year, let me give one that is of utmost importance.

No doubt you are being bombarded by cute little kids coming to your door selling wrapping paper, cookies, and pies for school fund-raisers. No?
Then I'm sure you have a co-worker that has come around offering the same items for "his kid." No?
Then you'll surely have a niece, nephew or other child relative waiting in the wings for you to order the same thing? No?
Then you must be on the sex offender list, and parents have told their kids that zombies live in your house.

True story--When I worked at a restaurant, (we'll call it Outback Makehouse) a co-worker asked everyone if they'd be interested in buying fudge for a school fund-raiser from his "niece." Luckily for him, all servers have cash at the end of the night, and it was an easy sell. I even threw in 15 or 20 bucks for some chocolaty goodness.
He hung up the sales booklet of goodies and an envelope to pay on the bulletin board near the office in the back of the restaurant. I'd say he had collected a good 2 or 300 bucks towards his niece getting a free can of "silly string" for selling so much.

And then he disappeared.

How much is a job at a restaurant worth to you? It was obviously worth less than 300 bucks for him. I am certainly going to "Better off Dead" this guy and haunt him for much more than 2 dollars for the rest of his life.

As fate would have it, my kids have now entered this phase of con-man gestapo cute face/puppy dog eyes tactics to sell crap to loved ones and neighbors. If the school needs money, just come ask me for some. Don't make my kids go door to door in the rain hoping to earn enough "sales" to get a squishy ball, when the school only gets 30% of the profit!!!

So we've set up some guidelines--Mom and Dad buy from each of the kids. Grandma and Grandpa's have the option to buy, and we'll bother nobody else.

This has given me the greatest excuse ever when dealing with those cute cuddly little kids selling wrapping paper and Christmas doilies door to door----"I'm sorry....we've already bought some from our kids."
Zero guilt for sending kids away. It's like being a jerk without the calories---Diet Jerk.

And now for 2 more funny things:

You should stop by and read my new post today at (click the previous sentence) It's also about door-to-door salesman, and is guaranteed to be semi-funny.

And lastly--
I realize that President Bush is not very popular, and people are upset with him for a multitude of things. But if I found out that he had taught my kid "the shocker"......I would go ape-wild.

Monday, November 17, 2008

Reason #1 why you should shop at the Wal-marts

Many of you who follow this blog know that I am not the biggest proponent for shopping at Walmart. In an attempt to become like Foxnews and be "fair and balanced," (yeah right) I am starting a sister segment to Reasons you shouldn't shop at Walmart.

It is cleverly titled "Reasons you should shop at Walmart." I spent literally hours on this.

Meg over at Prefers her fantasy life tipped me off to a recent problem at Walmart.
An AP story has shown that bottled water has contaminants. It shows that 2 brands violate California law. Oddly enough, Sams Club (Walmart) water is one of these mentioned.

I'll admit that I drink bottled water at work. It's better than the alternatives:

There is a drinking fountain in the hall. I call it the "spelunker" because there is a stalagmite-esque growth forming on the area where the water comes out. I imagine it is just hard-water deposits, but I don't want to drink water from a fountain that looks like a guy trying to pass a stone. (Ok, I've never seen this personally, but I would imagine if something was stuck "in-line" then the stream would be affected)

In addition, all water from public facilities here at work tastes like pungent gym socks. I imagine that this would appeal to a minority of the population, but I prefer my gym sock water fresh.

I can always go purchase a soda pop. Perhaps if I drink enough of these, I will witness passing a stone firsthand.

So, I drink bottled water. It tastes great!! Oh, you say it has no taste?? Exactly. Good water should have no taste.

So what is the alarming news about the bottled water??

I guess they found 38 chemicals in the water, including:
bacteria, caffeine, acetaminophen, fertilizer, solvents, plastic-making chemicals, and strontium.

Let me be the first to ask::
Where do I sign up?? This could be the greatest drink every created!!
I can see the commercial now:

TV doctor: Where else can you get all 38 chemicals in one drink?? Don't waste time taking pills for all these chemicals. You can save thousands of dollars, and hundreds of hours just by drinking our ChemH20 once per day.

(Little print at the bottom of the tv ad)
ChemH20 has not shown to carry large amounts of bacteria, although what is found is primarily from human spit and earwax. Caffeine and acetaminophen combined with fertilizer has been shown to cause cancer in laboratory animals. ChemH20 recommends leaving water on shelf for 29.10 years before drinking as that is the half-life of Strontium. Main solvents in water do not include water. Most plastic-making chemicals have not proven to cause a "yeast-like" phenomenon in the stomach, although this may be possible.
Doctor shown above is not an actual doctor. In fact, his real first name is "doctor."
ChemH20 should not be taken before operating heavy machinery.

So Kudos to you Walmart. Let's place a mark on the "pro" side of the list when deciding where to shop.

Friday, November 14, 2008

Lost on the internet highway with only Google as my GPS

As noted in the first installment of this 2-part series, it appeared that I was receiving many gay Google search hits even though I'm only 1/4 gay. I'm confused by this.

Today's search hits focus more on porn and molestation.
You know, for a PG-13 blog that feels decent about the kiddies stopping by, I sure get some creepy search hits.
I'd say that over 50% of my search term hits referenced some sexually explicit topic. And about 0% of these actually stayed over 5 seconds. So sorry for you.
On with the show.

-how much water do we lose in tears per day?
I think this truly depends on who's asking... Let's say this is Tammy Faye Baker. She probably exudes about a 2-liter of tears per day. That's Enough brine to cure 8 pounds of meat.
The more interesting search would be "how much water do we lose in urine per day?" If you ask Bear Grylls, the answer would be none, as he'd drink all that exited his pee pee. (I haven't said the word pee pee for years, and it just felt right there)

-how to overcome body issues with doctor because you were molested
Again, these poor people who were molested end up at my site. Let me just tell you this....
No woman is comfortable when the word speculum is mentioned.
No man feels at his best when we hear the words "turn your head and cough."
And nobody....nobody can overcome an anal spotlight search by their dermatologist.

-how to say stop hammertime in
I suppose this person hit the enter button before they could finish this search, so I'll finish it for them.

Spanish--pare el tiempo del martillo
Dutch--de tijd van de eindehamer
French--arrêtez le temps de marteau
German--stoppen Sie Hammerzeit
Russian--остановите время молотка
Road sign--

-is it ok to burn off moles?
As long as it's not on your genitals. Singed pubic hair carries a terrible smell.

-my dream is to ride a bike
Phoebe Buffay....Welcome to That tears it....!

-olympic diving crotch grab
I actually think this may be a great idea. I'd really like to see Michael Jackson leap from the 10 meter platform, and get judged on how well he grabs his crotch before he hits the water at 25 mph, and breaks 14 bones in his pretend face.
It would be very close race for the gold medal between Usher, Justin Timberlake, and Paul Reubens.

-pampered chef banana hammock
I've discussed in the past how I feel about women selling crap in stupid parties which guilt trip their friends (my wife) into buying stuff that is totally unnecessary.
This search term may have merit though. Who wouldn't buy a relish tray from a buff hairless dude in a purple glittery swimsuit.
Then again, this could backfire if you wanted to demonstrate a fondue pot, and lather your inner thighs with molten lava hot melted cheddar.

-reflection related to female anatomy on a female sporting event
I sure hope you searched this while watching women's beach volleyball, and not when the Chinese women's gymnastics team was taking the floor you pervert.

-see no evil hear no evil naked bathroom video
You are in luck here. Oddly enough, I know exactly what this searcher was looking for...although he won't find it on my site. (I saw this movie via my Grandma)
There's a scene in "See no evil, hear no evil" where Gene Wilder is poking around the bathroom while Joan Severance is taking a shower. She appears topless, and Gene pulls his hand out of his pocket where it appears he is holding a gun...and the "gun" still appears to be poking out in his pants. Or something like that.
Oddly enough, Gene Wilder has never been in one of my erotic fantasies, nor do I hope he ever will be. This alone should prohibit one from searching for this video.
Mr Skin would be a better destination to get your answer on this topic.

-something to instantly inhale odors
Here in the states, we call this a nose.

-Timothy Olyphant future movies
After "Hitman" there should not have been a single script sent to his house. This guy should be modeling underwear...not acting.

-twig and berries porn
Why oh why? I'm not going to attempt to translate the motives of this google user. I would bet that his (or her) next search was "boobies porn."

-two twigs and tree berries
I think this is in reference to the new sports drama starring Michael Jordan and Lance Armstrong.

-why do men urinate in toilet versus urinal?
You mean why do men pee sitting down rather than standing up??
Why don't you ask my wife??

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Of magnetic tape and head drums

One of the modern wonders of the world resides in my Grandmother's house.
No, It's not the sugar cookies that have been in the treat jar since 1982.
Nor is it the actual functioning Atari 800 in the basement.

The most amazing site in this house is the collection of VHS cassette tapes.

My Grandma had HBO and cable for many many years in my youth. Not far from the TV was the most recent copy of TV Guide. In these precious pages was the key to her "game plan" for the week.
Her goal was to record as many movies as humanly possible with the VCR.
Was that "The Goonies" on at 7:30 AM? She'd be up to start the recording.
I see that "Mask" is on at 11:30 PM....never fear--Grandma would be up to hit record.
She was TIVO before TIVO even existed. She should sue for prior art.

Could she have set the VCR to record on its own? Perhaps....but I never noticed the time on the VCR display anything but 12:00.

Many of you that watched movies in the "old days" will recognize the VHS cassette tape storage cases. You could put dozens of tapes in each case.

My Grandma has rooms full of these cases. In each of these cases are recorded movies.
If you're looking for a certain genre, never fear. She's arranged them by movie type; Westerns, Action, Horror, etc. She'd label the outside of the case with marker on a strip of masking tape indicating the genre of movies.
Pull open any case and you'll find that every tape contains 3 movies. (For sure she recorded in EP--Extended play to get 6 hours per tape)

It's time for some mental math.
She has approximately 250 cases stacked high in her house. Each case holds 30 tapes. Each tape contains 3 movies......carry the 3....decimal point shift....pull out the HP calculator....and it appears that she has no less than 22,500 movies in tow. Eat that blockbuster.

There are two thoughts I have regarding these movies. One is from the past, and the other is in the future.

I was raised in a very religious household. We did not watch movies or TV that was inappropriate for young children or oppressed teenagers.
From time to time, my Grandma would send a care package for the grand kids. Inside would be a few VHS tapes with movies she thought we'd enjoy. We'd sit down and enjoy "Labyrinth," or perhaps "Star Wars."

Unfortunately I don't think my Grandma realized what some of the other movies on the tapes were. She must have classified "Labyrinth" as a horror movie, because when it finished, Friday the 13th part 3 started up.
The shock...the horror...the satisfaction....
I must have watched and re-watched that movie 15 times in the hidden quiet of the basement. There was a topless scene that was probably viewed about 156 times. I think the tape was starting to wear out.

It seemed that every kids movie on the tapes were followed by some great spectacle of action, horror, and curse words. Without these precious tapes, I would have never seen Nightmare on elm street when I was 9. I would have missed Judge Dredd, all the Conan (Arnold) movies, Red Sonja, and Stripes. That would have been a shame.

I wonder if my Grandma has a VHS storage section called "Free Cinemax Preview."
As an older teenager I remember watching some movie from my Grandma, and the clip ending abruptly, and shifting to a gratuitous sex scene including a lady with dinner-plate size nipples.
As I headed away to college the next year, I assume my younger brother kept that one in his sacred stash.

I don't think my Grandma has seen 5% of those movies, but for some reason she religiously recorded them. For what purpose I know not.

As she approaches her upper 80's, I realize that she won't be around for much longer. So what is to become of her VHS movie collection??
How can you put a price on this? She probably dedicated thousands of dollars towards materials, and probably tens of thousands of hours recording, cataloging, stacking, etc.

Surely there must be someone out there who would value this treasure??

Alas, I think the market for TV-recorded VHS movies is a soft one. So much time dedicated....for what?? Nothing.
It's the same way I feel about collecting baseball cards as a youth. It's a good thing that I have every Barry Bonds baseball card ever created. The buyers are knocking my door down.

I gotta go. Time to clear out space in my basement for these cases. Do I even still have a VCR?

Sunday, November 9, 2008

Battle of the Bands Pt 2

In our second installment, of the "Battle of the Bands," I have two worthy candidates today.
I'm trying hard to top the two bands from last time, but it will be hard.

Take a look, and vote below for your favorite.

Up first we have Eddy Murphy's gay cousin, Captain Underpants, and tweaker violinist. Enjoy. It's like Sesame Street goes to Hell.

For intermission, I bring to you the worst video of all-time...but there is a catch. Zlad is much like Borat, and is pulling a fast one on us....Needless to say, this video will make you fall out of your chair.

And our second contestant is the lovable Fredy Miler. You'll think you're getting "pinball wizard" at the beginning of the video, but you can only be so lucky. Welcome to Fredy's world, where tweezers are taboo, and fashion mirrors are chic.

As always, vote below for the winner.

Friday, November 7, 2008

Top 5 kicks in the crotch

My life has been filled with continual sports disappointment. It is not in the cards for a team I root for to win the championship in anything. I even have multiple 2nd place trophies from my sporting days as a youth.
I invest literally hundreds of hours watching my teams through the season, only to usually end the season with a loss.

In an attempt to exorcise the demons, I'm relating the top 5 disappointing games of my lifetime. (to this point) Enjoy my misery.

#5--1997 NBA finals. (Jordan fakes an illness)
For years, Stockton to Malone led the Jazz to 50+ win seasons.
In a hard-fought western conference finals over Houston, the Jazz found themselves in the finals for the first time. Unfortunately, they had to face Jordan and the Bulls.
The Bulls had home court, and held firm in the first 2 games to take a 2-0 lead in the series. Games 3 and 4 went to the Jazz at home.
Then came "the flu game." Rumor has it, that Jordan had woke up puking with food poisoning. The trainers told him there was no way he would be able to play in game 5. Did he play?? Duh.
After going unconscious in the 4th quarter, he single-handedly put the Jazz in the grave. Bulls by 2.
For all intents and purposes, the series was over. Game 6 had Steve Kerr as the Jazz killer...hitting a bucket to put the game away. Bull Win. Damn that Jordan.


#4--BYU over Utah 26-24 1998. (Kaneshanko)
Newly built Rice-Eccles stadium in Salt Lake City was the setting for another installment of the "Holy War." For those east of the Mississippi, the Utah-BYU rivalry is one of the most bitter in the country.
Utah was in the midst of a transformation. Amid years of losing to BYU in the 70's and 80's, Ron Mcbride had restored some semblance of pride in the Utah football program in the 90's, and we had enjoyed success against our rivals.
I was present at this game. It was hard fought, and back and forth. Utah was down by 2 and was mounting a last minute drive. After a big pass play to Steve Smith (Carolina Panthers fame) the Utes were down in field goal position. In comes the field goal unit to seal the victory with a 32 yard field goal. Freshman Ryan Kaneshiro calmly boots the ball straight for the uprights.
I actually didn't see the rest. The cannon indicating that the Utes had scored boomed through the stadium, and the crowd went berserk. I couldn't see the play on my end of the stadium.
The dust began to settle, and the tell-tale sign of the refs indicating "no good" silenced the crowd.
Kaneshiro had hit the upright, and it bounced off to the doom of the Utes....BYU wins. Religious zealots in the state of Utah go hog wild, and prepare thousands of tons of green jello in celebration.

#3--2002 World Series: SF Giants lose to those damn Angels. (Dusty Baker takes a rally monkey up the ass)
The Giants and Angels were both wild card teams riding hot streaks into the world series. Barry Bonds was at his big-headed best, and the Giants bullpen was unstoppable.
Fast forward to game 6. Giants are up in the series 3-2, and had a gem going with Russ Ortiz on the mound. With the Giants up 5-0 in the 7th, the Angels put a man on. Dusty Baker then makes the biggest mistake of his career. (besides buying those ugly glasses) He pulls Ortiz.
Let me explain. Up to this point in the series, if the Giants were up in the 6th, we'd throw our unstoppable bullpen at the Angels. First was the hard-throwing Felix Rodriguez. Fast-ball in the high 90's, and that's all he threw.
Then you'd see Scott Eyre, followed by Tim Worrell. Once we hit the 9th, Robb Nen would come in and seal the game.
Unfortunately, the Angels had seen these pitchers far too many times in the series, and had figured them out.
Rodriguez came in for Ortiz, and promptly gave up 3 runs. Moving forward to the 8th inning, and that damn drifter Scott Spiezo hits a 3-run bomb off Worrell over that joke of a right-field fence at Edison field.
Series over. The Giants were 8 outs from the best chance of a Series win.
I still hate that rally monkey.

#2--1998 NBA finals. (David Stern's forced Jordan win)
The Jazz were still smarting from their ousting of last years finals to the Bulls. This time, the Jazz were the best team in the league, and cruised through the playoffs to the finals.
Down 3-2 in the series, the series shifted back to Salt Lake City where the Utah crowd gave a definite home court advantage.
Fast forward to the 4th quarter of game 6.
First the Stern-forced refs called a shot clock violation on the Jazz in which replay showed that Howard Eisley got the shot off in time.
The Jazz take a 3 point lead with 41 seconds left.
Jordan makes a layup, and the Jazz get the ball back.
Karl Malone solidifies his "greatest NBA playoff choker of all time" status by getting the ball stripped by Jordan. And then the magic occurs. (Stern magic)
Bryon Russell was guarding Jordan. Jordan crosses over just inside the 3-point line, pushes Russell blatantly to the ground, and calmly hits the shot that is replayed over and over again as one of his best.


Jordan wins his last title, and Stern gets his wish. I hate David Stern.
Later, Karl Malone and Dennis Rodman would meet in the WCW ring in an exhibition wrestling match. Oh how the mighty have fallen.

#1--1998 NCAA title game. (Kentucky can burn in Hell)
After losing Keith Van Horn to graduation the year before, the Utes did not appear to be as strong as the season previous.
Ultimately, Andre Miller and Michael Doleac led the Utes to new heights.
After getting a (rip-off) #3 seed in the NCAA tournament, they cruised along to the elite 8. Here, they faced Arizona and Mike Bibby. Rick Majerus instituted a triangle and two defense to combat Bibby, and the Utes rolled to a big win.
Next they faced North Carolina in the final four. UNC was the favorite by many to win it all. Featuring an all-star lineup of Vince Carter, Antwan Jamison, and Brendan Haywood, UNC was no match for Miller and Doleac. Utes win...on to the finals.
The Utes faced Kentucky in the finals, and cruised to a 10 point lead at half-time. In the end, our thin bench was our downfall, and Ron Mercer and Scott Padgett rolled us over for a Kentucky victory.
This was as close as I've ever been to a championship victory for my favorite team. It still hurts.
Majerus promptly went to chuck-o-rama and ate his weight in dinner rolls.

Is it so much to ask for one redeeming championship in any sport? Just one?? Karma owes me.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

All gay roads lead here

The other day I wandered over to Google analytics for a quick look-see. I had received a bunch of traffic one day for no apparent reason. (by a bunch, I mean more than my family and relatives who read this blog) I guess one of my posts somehow landed on and pushed a couple hundred people my way. After spending 3 seconds on my blog, they all quickly hit the "back" button.

While I was looking through the mounds of data on Google analytics, I stumbled across the Google search terms that had brought people to my blog. In a blatant attempt to rip off dozens of other blogs who do this same thing, I want to list a few of these search terms for your enjoyment. There were quite a few that I found humorous, and I will probably roll this into a 2-part post, with the follow-up next week.

-Does Timothy Olyphant have dentures

I'll admit that this guy has a nice set of choppers. In fact, I hear the new rage among multi-millionaire actors is to get dentures instead of crowns or implants. Look at the advantages:
You can brush your teeth down in the sink.
Leave your teeth in a minty solution overnight, and never have "morning breath" when you wake up.
You can have multiple sets of teeth. "Angry" teeth, "seductive" teeth, and perhaps "flava flav" teeth.

-prostate exam molest

There are actually two schools of thought here, and it depends on who's doing the exam. Was it a male or female? If you claim molestation while a woman is performing the jelly finger, then you need to be punched. On the other hand, when a man with Tony Robbin's hands throws on the rubber glove, you may have cause for concern.
I think the general rule is the "double swirly." If there are more than 2 rotations of the fingers, you should be alarmed.

-dirty talk cursing

I'm actually wondering if there is a way to have dirty talk without cursing. Let's run through a few test cases:
"Oh, your manliness is so manly."
"Smack my rump."
"Your aeriola are as large as dinner plates."
I'm hot already.

-taco bell and rodent

Whoa!!!! You're treading on thin ice here. Why don't you just go insult the Pope while you're at it.
Taco Bell is part of the holy trinity of drive-thru joints. (Whataburger and In-N-Out complete the triumvirate)
To insinuate that Taco Bell has rodents in their meat or restaurant is an abomination...unless you consider cat to be a rodent. Then you are correct.

-things we were never told about after the baby
Here's a few you might have missed:
6 weeks until sex.
Decreased sleep by 30%.
12-15 diaper changes per day.
Cleaning the umbilical cord. (I still think this is weird)
But, nobody can explain how cool it is to hold your own child. Awesome.

-32 minutes in hell

You're actually wrong about the time. It's actually considered 30 minutes in hell, and happens on Mondays on CBS at 9PM EST. Others call it "2 and half men."

-banana hammock gay porn

Why can't a straight man wear a banana hammock? Who cares if I want to show off my milky white thighs at the water park?
It's curious that I don't have any searches of "banana hammock straight porn."


What the hell were you trying to find here? If you want to narrow your search results, I suggest putting quotations around the word, or using Boolean expressions. For example, deep OR deep may help. Dumb ass.

-Dirty talk for dummies

I've got you covered here. Please send $29.95 plus $6.99 shipping and handling to my paypal address. I'll conveniently map out the approach you'll want to take in the bedroom. We'll start with a few "smack my rumps," and work forward to integrating curse words.
Practice makes perfect, so we suggest you repeat our phrases multiple times per day. At work, in front of the mirror, in confession, etc.

-Does e coli make poop smell worse?

There is a reason people use the term, "that smells like crap." This is because poop is about the worst smelling material on planet earth. I have yet to see a reality show on BravoTV that judges the smell of poop. (holy cow...I totally have "prior art" on this idea. You read it here first) This would be silly. What would they call it?? D-list celebrity poop-off? (WOW...I should totally be in marketing)

-dummies guide to urinal flushing instructions

I'll give it to you now, so that next time you hit my site, you'll actually have an answer to your question.
First, pee. Secondly, walk away and let the auto-flush mechanism take over. If you live in Arkansas, then this may be different. I also cover this:
First, pee. Secondly, depress the small handle labeled "flush."
Please wash hands in either case.

-dirty talk with mom

Some things require no response, nor do I have one here. I thought Ed Gein was dead.

-fisting bei McDonalds

I hope this is a new fish sandwich that Mcdonalds is planning on releasing, because I don't want to know the true nature of this search.

-forced smelling feet gay

Hmmm. There sure are a lot of gay references bringing people to my site.
Forcing someone to smell your feet is not gay. In fact, this has been a tactical maneuver used by big brothers across the country for years. Used along with "wet woolies," "indian burns," and "loosened pepper shaker lids," you have a normal well-adjusted teenage boy.

-help getting over molestation

First of all, the internet is probably not the best place to find the answer to this question.
Secondly, I have never gotten over my prior experience.
Dr. Matt is currently out of the office.

Check back next week for part 2 of "creepy gay Google searches that bring people to this site."

Monday, November 3, 2008

A plethora of boobs

Up until the age of 15, I had many "pretend" jobs. Mowing lawns, shoveling snow, etc. At 15, I decided that I wanted to be a lifeguard. The glory....the sun....the chicks...this job had it all.
I took a life guarding course which was actually fairly strenuous. Some of the challenges necessary to complete the course were:

Treading water while holding a 10 pound brick above the water for 1 minute.
Swimming 25 meters in 16 seconds.
Deep water rescues with back injuries.
Crossing my legs nonchalantly to suppress my raging hormones while dripping wet females practiced CPR on me. (no mouth-to-mouth action...instead they would do a pretend "breath" to the side of my head--my neck. This pretty much had the same effect as stuffing their tongue down my throat.)

After receiving this certification, I started job-hunting. As I lived in a land-locked western state, and the fact that I couldn't drive yet, my only option was a local water-park.
In the interview process where I dazzled them describing rescue techniques, and swimming prowess, I found out that the deepest water in the park was 5 feet. It appeared that the only skill I would be putting to use was my height while I walked towards a drowning victim.

Nevertheless, I was excited to be making $4.25 an hour getting a tan.

Little did I know the sights this 115 pound 15 year old would witness......

First of all, I had never seen so much skin in my entire life. Everywhere you looked, there was skin and cleavage. As a 15 year old skinny walking hormone, it was way worse than walking and chewing gum at the same time.

As if this job couldn't get any better, I learned about the speed slides.

We had some very high, steep slides that went straight down into a splash pool. There was a lifeguard at the bottom to ensure that nobody broke their neck, exited the pool, and to send the next slider. Nowhere in the job description did it say "peeping tom."

Many teenage boys learned the laws of simple physics at this location.

Place one woman on the slide with a bikini.
Send her down at 40 miles per hour.
Stop her almost instantly in a splash pool at the bottom.
Witness Newton's 3rd law of motion---For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. Watch as a 40 miles per hour swimsuit top is met by a stronger force of water, thus shooting the top directly over the head of the victim.
And there you have it...public pornography.

Needless to say, this was something I was looking forward to. I was a pretty naive kid, and had never seen "live" breasts in my life. (Ok, there was that time that I was at a friend's house, and his sister with Downs Syndrome flashed us. I didn't ask for it, nor did I enjoy it. I needed to wash my visual palette out from this experience.)

Looking back, I don't think I truly realized the odds of an enjoyable experience. Let's run a little math here:

There were roughly only 10-15% of women at the water park whom you'd actually like to see topless. Roughly 20% of these women were wearing bikinis, and only about 10% of bikini tops actually came off on the slide.
Complicated algebra states that you'd actually only get lucky with a "topless hotty" about .3% of the time. The odds weren't in your favor.

But a boy could hold out hope.

I saw boobs...lots of boobs at this location. But it wasn't good.

There was the time that the middle aged mom of 5 came down and walked out of the water unknowingly topless. When here family yelled to alert her, the tears started rolling. She was utterly embarrassed. I was even more embarrassed for her.

Another time a girl hit the water so hard, she got a bloody nose...and her top popped off. I turned my head and wondered what kind of sick freaks would get off on this.

And then it sunny afternoon, the stars aligned and sent the perfect woman down the slide. As she stood up after hitting the water, she rubbed the water out of here face, completely oblivious that she was giving a show.
But I couldn't look....I was too embarrassed. I turned my head, and leaned down and alerted her about the missing top. She quickly fixed her suit, and thanked me for being a gentleman.

Over the course of a summer, I saw more skin than Benny Hill. But even being a complete horn-dog teenage boy, getting excited over someones embarrassing experience wasn't something I could enjoy.

Plus, I now have the luxury of viewing my own man-boobs in the comfort of my own home whenever I wish. Viva la leche!!

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