Monday, October 6, 2008

Who is that masked man???

I'm taking a mulligan on a few of the things I had to chose when I started up this blog. Right off the bat, they want you to name your blog, choose your web address, and then pick a profile name. After a little while, you don't want to change any of this, as you have built up links, and developed a brand name. (albeit, my brand name is only known by 10's)

I pondered on the name of my blog, and the web address, and was---and still am happy with my choice. The thinly veiled Phil Hendrie reference will probably only be caught by a few.

But I'm not happy with my profile name. The Hypocritical One is stupid. It's as chic as John Mccain's hair.

I originally started this blog for ranting purposes. There were so many things that I felt the world needed to fix, and I was going to be a "humorous catalyst for change." I chose the Hypocritical one, as I would be telling others to "do as I say, and not as I do." It seemed funny at the time. I quickly realized that there were 23 thousand other blog just like it on the web...so when push came to shove, I shelved that idea.
I also quickly learned that I just liked to write plain humor, and didn't have the cajones to call out my fellow man.

In addition, I have another blog venture that is coming out shortly, and having the name hypocritical one just wouldn't fit the profile.

So....I have decided to use my real name on this blog.

I hemmed and hawed over this decision for the last month. Mainly, I did not want to be recognized by any co-workers, or people whom I may have offended in a lame attempt to produce humor at their expense.

Luckily, I haven't written much in here that would offend others, and would not be ashamed for them to see most of what I have written. (there are a couple people who may be upset....and those posts will be edited shortly)

Most of my visitors are probably family anyway...so I don't have to hide anything from them.
No need to hide from my wife in the bathroom in order to blog in my spare time.

Secondly, I didn't want to put a picture of myself up here, as there is a "negative movie-star" connotation with my face. Confused?? Let me explain....

Ever since I've been a little kid, people have come up to me and said:

"You look like _____________." And then they would name some actor. Now, most people would consider this a good thing.

Not me.

Why?

Because the majority of the time, the actor who I'm being compared to, would not grace the cover of GQ magazine in the near future.

For your viewing pleasure, and to further humiliate myself on this blog in order to garner laughs, I give you the Matt movie-star lookalike list.

Yeah...that's me....I have 5 o'clock shadow the instant I shave...and a big nose--get over it.


Let's start with the VERY FEW positive lookalikes.

I am most often compared to Zach Braff. People say I have the same mannerisms, and humor that he has in Scrubs....so maybe I should be compared to Dr. Dorian.


The only other semi-attractive celebrity that I have been compared to, is a man who once threw up on people, and ate their guts.



We now move on to the much larger list of celebrities...and these are not positive.

In fact, the very first celebrity that I was compared to was Paul from the Wonder Years. I will never forgive Holly G. for branding me in the 8th grade. You ever see an 8th grade boy cry?? Oh I did...on my pillow nightly for looking like him.



Who is the weirdest celeb I've been compared to?? Why...none other than a cartoon character. I guess I'm lucky it wasn't Porky Pig.


You'd think these were my enemies destroying my self-esteem, but in fact, it was most often my friends. In fact, my best friend in the world compared me to that goofy looking guy Grant Heslov from "Dante's Peak." It almost broke up our friendship.



Just when you think it can't get much worse, along comes another douche-a-riffic person to push my fragile self-image further down the chute in my own personal hell. This one particularly stung, as it was from one of my favorite shows. Mind you.....I was compared to Corporal Klinger based on LOOKS alone.


And finally...you'd think as I got older, that I wouldn't have to deal with this type of ridicule. You'd think that as people got more mature, that they'd stop the mental torture. But----just last year, a portly co-worker laid down the gauntlet, and brought me to a completely new low. You might as well bend me over in a prison cell than compare me to the next celeb.


I seem to notice a pattern here.....Dark hair....potentially middle eastern or Jewish....big nose.....BOOM---A match!!!

Feel free to point out any others that I may have missed. I'm sure that I'll get hit with the comparison someday, so it might as well get done here. My fragile psyche is much less fragile than it once was.
In addition, this ridicule has turned me into one mean bastard when I choose to. Most that mock me in person will leave with their tail behind their legs....but alas, I am not an internet tough guy, so mock away.

I gotta go....News radio is about to start.

19 comments:

The Nemesing One said...

And just what the hell is wrong with someone having to hide from their wife and blog while sitting on the toilet? I'm sure I don't know. I would have to say you look more like Yassar Arafat then anyone else you've listed. But I still love ya.

molly said...

You left out my favorite one- Raymond (don't know real name) on "Everybody Loves Raymond"

Gary ("Old Dude") said...

Hey, least you got compared to celebrities, ---at my house seems like my Dad, and echoed by my older brother, that I looked more like the Milk man----. (yeah I'm that old, we had milk men making house deliveries when I was a kid.) (wobbles the mind don't it?)

unfinishedrambling said...

So Zack, I mean, Jon...no, Matt...I guess that's your real name...why haven't you signed your posts with your real name yet? It still says The Hypocritical One. Huh? ;)

-- from the dork who hides behind the mask of unfinishedrambler and unfinishedperson

Athena said...

Oh thank god - Matt is so much easier to write than "the hypocritical one", thanks!

I also think you kinda look a little like Ray Romano!! More Zach Braff, though, and that's a good thing!

Congrats on coming out!

Da Old Man said...

You think you have problems? You know how often I get called Crotch?

John McCain's Hair said...

Who you callin' "not chic", Lovitz boy?

Incidentally, I'm surprised no one has tried to perpetuate the urban myth that Paul from the Wonder Years is Marilyn Manson.

Matt said...

TNO--Arafat would kill me if he knew my lineage....

Molly---Darn...I have gotten that one as well....was it from you?? Jerk.

gary--The concept of a guy leaving food on my doorstep creeps me out. What are the odds he messes with it....75%?

unfinished--It's now updated. To be honest, at least your name fits with your posts...mine did not.

athena--you're missing the point....Zach Braff isn't among People's top 50...and that's the BEST I can do. My ceiling isn't too high.

Old Man---Is that why you sign your name different now?

Hair--You're right...and that kid from "Small Wonder" is the lead singer from Smashing Pumpkins.

Major Undeclared said...

My entire world is crushed with this news. I always pictured you a little taller. but alas. Do people still wear visors?

Joan said...

I get tori spelling and sarah jessica parker!!! Both with completely odd shaped hideous faces!! So don't worry, you're not the only one it happens too.

Alex L said...

I'm never compared to celebrities... I don't know if thats a good thing. When I dropped the alter ego I was considering getting a new url, but it was just so much effort, so I just changed my name and the name of the blog. I think half the blog rolls I'm on still have me listed under the old name.

I thought you'd be older or at least look older for some reason...

Rickey Henderson said...

A word on your desired mulligan: at least you didn't misspell the name of the person you were impersonating in the domain name like Rickey did. Ahem.

Prefers Her Fantasy Life said...

Well, now I feel bad for saying on Scrivel that you looked like a cross between Zach and Ray Romano.

But personally, Zach is on my Celebrity To Do list (if I ever meet him) (and am divorced).

And Ray is on my To Play Golf With List (he would be if I played golf, that is).

But both are nice-looking and funny. But not as funny as your Save Me Xenu masked cat.

Prefers Her Fantasy Life said...

And you also look like that Major Undeclared guy above (or you would, if we could see under your hat).

Jenn Thorson said...

You have an actual first name? My GOD! I had no idea. :)

Okay, but seriously-- I think you'll be fine in using your name given the stories you write-- they're funny and don't attack anybody.

If you just make sure you're not using real names and you fudge a few details, you should be fine.

I don't see a lot of resemblance to any of the celebs there, though maybe slightly Zack Braff. Or Dax Sheppard, who also looks like Zack Braff.

Matt said...

Major--I golf, therefore I can still wear visors.

joan--Who would you rather make out with?? Sarah Jessica Parker, or Paul from the wonder years?? Enough said.

alex--that picture is a year old...but I am 33.

Rickey/Ricky--yes..that is bad. But you should always play it as intentional.

Fantasy--that's ok...no need to back-peddle. And Major is my brother....

Jenn--I'll add Dax to the list. Why do guys with big noses always have to be funny guys?

Theresa B said...

Um, with the visor you look kind of like the generic fast food clerk in the commercials. Or maybe Zach Braff playing a McDonalds cashier.

Either way, it could be much worse.

Silly Swedish Skier Says So said...

Jesus, the way you describe yourself is nothing like the way you actually look. I thought you'd be a pretty tubby not real attractive (possibly hairy) man. But you're good looking. I guess self deprecating is always funnier. No one wants to read "in my height weight proportionate world, I overate and experienced essentially no consequences since I am also attractive-- Ha! In your face bitches!"
I like your blog.

Matt said...

Theresa--If I have to work at a fast food place, I'd prefer taco bell.

Swede--The way others view me is completely different than what I see in the mirror when I'm naked entering the shower. It's horrific.
Thanks!

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