Thursday, October 2, 2008

Reason #31 why you shouldn't shop at the Wal-marts....

I don't intentionally pick on this store. Ok...perhaps I do. But it completely justified.

For any Walmart employees that may read this...I'm sure it's not your fault. All these reasons why one shouldn't shop at your establishment are really a by-product of your patrons---not of the store itself. Unfortunately, the Walmart stereotype usually holds true.
None of my terrible shopping experiences occur at Nordstrom. Although I may not receive any service at this store because I am actually wearing Levi instead of Diesel jeans, I probably won't see a customer sniffing the mens underwear. (Although, I wouldn't be surprised if the dude working at the makeup counter is a sniffer.)

The prices are cheap at Walmart. It's business....and they are raking in the bajillions. It still doesn't explain why I see open, empty 12 ounce cans of soda sitting in random places every time I'm there. I suppose its like the candy bins at old-time grocery stores....everyone's a grazer. The soda pop must be a popular draw as well for the grazing community.

If they'd make online shopping available, I'd be interested in continuing my patronage. I suppose for old-time sakes, they could throw in a pop-up ad of someone with 14 stomach rolls wearing crocs.

A few years ago, my wife was shopping there with our 2 young daughters. They were 4 and 1 respectively. She was in the "birthday" aisle looking for some party supplies.

True to the Walmart stereotype, the kids started fighting a little while sitting in the cart. Perhaps they were a little loud, but knowing my wife, she didn't let the decibel level reach epic proportions.

As she got the girls settled down, she heard a yell from the next aisle.

Apparently Senseless Stranger: Shut that kid up!!!

Wife: (to herself) Is he talking to me??

ASS: (louder) You need to smack that kids face!!

Stranger lady in same aisle as my wife: Is he talking to you??

Wife: (heart rate increasing) I don't know.

ASS: I said, shut that kid up!!

Younger daughter starts crying louder sensing the rising tension.

ASS: Did you hear me??? Smack that kid in the face!!

Wife: (getting hot under the collar)
Stranger lady: (to ASS) Leave her alone!

ASS: Shut the kid up....NOW!!

When confrontation arises, the "fight or flight" takes over in every person. Had another male been in the area, I'm sure there would have been a fist-fight between the vacuum bags and irons. With women (especially when you have kids with you), it's hard to throw down the gauntlet with a unseen male stranger.

She just stood there....unsure of what to do. What if she tried to high-tail it out of the aisle. She could run right into him...he might get physical. Plus the mustard from his Big Bacon Classic at Wendy's that was stuck in his mustache could cause blinding of the eyes if she got too close.

Should she call 911? That wouldn't do any good. Walmart is like "Old town" in Sin City. The cops don't venture there.

Should she find an employee? The odds of finding one of the 8 employees that are intermingled with the 1723 patrons would be as successful as a man trying to pee into the water in the middle of the night without turning the light on. (how do you like all those prepositional phrases you fiends!!??)

So she waited....the stranger lady stood with her bravely.

The man passed by a minute later, with a scowl on his face. He briefly looked down the aisle, and then sheepishly towards his cart. He knew that my wife was ready to kick his ass. He was only tough with a bunch of Rubbermaid totes separating himself from my wife. This man was an internet tough real life.

I'm sure he high-tailed it out of the store after buying a carton of Pall Malls.

I told my wife that she should have reported him to store management. She didn't think they'd do anything to him. She was probably right. Even if they kicked him out, he'd just cut off the mullet, and put on a different color tank top before coming back.
If you thought this was slightly funny, go check out my new post at If this wasn't funny, then go check out the scrivel post, and let me know which is more unfunny.


Jenn Thorson said...

"Slap the kid in the face" indeed... boy, what a charmer that dude was. Like a rejected character from My Name is Earl.

Anonymous said...

Rejected characters from My Name Is Earl, though, Wal-Mart is where they hang out. At least, in our neck of the woods (where they use terms like "neck of the woods" Do woods have a neck? Like it's something to be cut off? Like a chicken...anyway).

92.1 The Edge said...

Yesterday I went to wal-Mart... not really sure how I ended up there... I think they put something in the water. Nonetheless... as I'm wandering around, literally aimlessly, it occured to me that there were WAAAAY too many people wearing sweat pants. WAAAAAY too many. So I feel that I now have to take a stand against Mr. Fruit of the Loom. I just can't take it anymore.


Gary ("Old Dude") said...

I suspect there must be a Wal-mart around here someplace, I see their ads in the throw away mail occassionally. I don't shop there---I'm an Eddie Bauer boy.

Anonymous said...

We must shop at the same place...

Da Old Man said...

I haven't been in a WalMart in many years. They are building one about a mile from me now, so it will be even harder to avoid.
But your stories make me even more resolute.

Chat Blanc said...

good frickin' grief! Wal-mart is crazy people heaven!!

Alex L said...

If he didn't like the screaming why didn't he just move on... crazy bugger. Got to wonder about some people.

The Fitness Diva said...

Love it! And that pic of the chick on the couch is just CLASSIC! LMAO!

Dan Brantley said...

OK this is off topic but I have to complement you on the
"By the way...if you never want to return to this site again---just click the little red button directly's so easy."
Followed by the "Minions" button


Kirsten said...

LOL! I needed that laugh! Thanks!

The Success said...

nice post

The Hypocritical One said...

Jenn--If I was Walmart, I would advertise on My name is Earl non-stop....genius.

unfinished--"Neck" of the woods is used as "Crotch" of the woods was too crude.

92.1---I have literally gone on "sweat count" for my wife when I went there once...I counted 24.

gary--you must make more money than me...

Old man--stay away...unless you can ride in one of those electric carts...and then it might be fun.

chat--Then I want to go to hell.

alex--thus the reason never to go to this horror show of a store.


Dan--unfortunately, it doesn't seem to be working.

Kirsten--you bet...although it was my wife who had to pay...


rusty said...

Walmart is terrifying!

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