Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Punch Drunk Flab


I was alone this weekend. The wife took the kids to the Grandparents.

I was alone...and the demons spoke to me.

C'mon...just a little...it won't hurt anyone. Nobody will know.

So....I broke down...and had a little. And that little turned into a binge. I couldn't stop myself. You know how it is when your brain loses control.

I was useless this weekend. I had a few things in mind that I wanted to accomplish, but didn't even touch them.

Jack Daniels?? Captain Morgans?? Cuervo 151??

Nope...I turned a much more addictive drug---FOOD!!
I was knee-deep in sour cream, enchilada sauce, coca cola, cookies. The fat grams ingested along with empty calories from junk food defy all description.

I've been staying away from these foods for a little while, and thought I had turned into a better man.

There is a constant battle inside me. My body is always trying to trick my brain into eating foods that I shouldn't. Until now, my brain has been the victor....not this weekend.

A review of my daily activities show just how depraved I had become:

FRIDAY

4:30 PM: My body begins teasing my brain with thoughts of cheese covered tater tots. My brain pushes the thought aside to finish out the work day. The seed has been planted.

5:30 PM: Drive home. Brain tells body to stop for a deli sandwich. Body says that McDonald's has a chicken breast sandwich that is low in fat grams. Brain compromises and has body pull into drive-thru.

5:32 PM: Body speaks out of turn and orders a double cheeseburger...with french fries and a regular Coke. Brain says that we won't eat the fries in protest.

5:36 PM: Fries are gone before car hits the driveway.

5:48 PM: Brain is in an altered state after getting so many fat grams in such a short amount of time. Body takes advantage and starts the hunt for some sort of sweet thing in the house.

6:30 PM: Body convinces Brain to watch a movie. Pop in "Saw 3."

10:47 PM: Body also convinced Brain to watch "Live free or Die Hard." No movement for 4 hours except to adjust volume on remote.

10:54 PM: Brain and Body compromise on a bowl of cereal. Brain is semi-happy that the milk is 1%. Body is happy as the cereal is Cinnamon Toast Crunch.

11:13 PM: Brain says to go sleep. Body tricks Brain into thinking "Call of Duty 4" is exercise. Begin the video games.

1:37 AM: Both exhausted from blowing heads off of 13 year old kids on the internet, Brain and Body go to bed.

2:34 AM: Wake up in a state of fear.

3:05 AM: Wake up in a panic.

4:38 AM: Wake up to investigate loud noises.

SATURDAY

8:14 AM: Brain can sleep no longer, but Body will punish Brain as it is exhausted.

9:53 AM: Body finally lets Brain leave bed.

11:34 AM: After sitting on couch watching "college gameday," both decide that they are hungry. Body is furious as McDonalds is no longer serving Mcgriddles. Both head to Sonic. Body convinces Brain to get a breakfast burrito, tater tots, and a regular coke.

11:59 AM: Brain and Body have now merged into one personality, hell-bent on ingesting every food item available, while keeping bodily movement to a minimum.

4:38 PM: After watching college football for over 4 hours, the need to urinate arises. The debate as whether to use the restroom, or pee in the empty Sonic cup is presented. The fear of spousal wrath if a spill were to occur leads to using the toilet.

4:41 PM: Time for 2 cheese-sticks, and BBQ potato chips. 20 oz coke to wash down.

4:53 PM: College football is too lively for the eyes. The desire for a more sedated tv experience occurs. Watch "Lady in the Water."

7:03 PM: After sleeping through half of "Lady in the Water," the need for more food comes into play.

7:34 PM: Head towards Mexican restaurant. Confirm a drive-thru, and order LARGE Chili Relleno w/ Rice and beans. 3 large Chili's stuffed with pepper jack cheese, deep fried, and then covered with more cheese and sauce. Also order chips/salsa at the last minute.

7:39 PM: Almost drop food as it weighs north of 4 pounds.

8:09 PM: Body begins to have the shakes, as a realistic 190 fat grams were ingested. Lay in a pool of guilt on couch as grease still covers half of face.

8:15 PM: Get down on knees and pray to God for forgiveness. Swear that this will never happen again.

9:03 PM: Forget promise to God, and find bag half full of Grandma's oatmeal cookies.

9:11 PM: Bag is now empty, along with another 20 oz coca cola.

12:58 AM: After watching "21" and the latest Pirates of the Caribbean movie, body heads toward fridge. Only vegetables and cold cut meats are found.

1:09 AM: Finish eating roast beef cold cuts. Head to bed. Sleep soundly. Scale shows a 6 pound gain in 2 days.

SUNDAY

9:58 AM: Wake up.

11:05 AM: Get out of bed.

1:35 PM: After watching NFL for a few hours, the call comes from the wife that she is about 30 minutes from home.

1:38 PM: Frantically take quick shower.

1:48 PM: Clean up all traces of recent food episodes.

1:57 PM: After cursory cleaning, sit down on couch and relax.

2:03 PM: Family home....none the wiser.



All this work on my diet...only to be ruined in 2 days. My brain and body are still separating, and I think I'm backed up because of the large amounts of cheese I ingested.

I gotta go...I need to get a 6" Subway club with no cheese or sauces.

15 comments:

lisa said...

I just threw up. Now reading this makes my stomach queezy just thinking about what you ate. I didn't know that your small body could ingest that amount of food. But when I am not pregnant I am sure we have all had days like this.

SILLYA said...

What's with the diet? -- unleash yourself-- a caged dog always wants what it can't have-- let your inner dog roam...

Prefers Her Fantasy Life said...

Umm...I'm wondering if a drinking binge isn't healthier?

I may have mentioned I'm doing Atkins and have switched to wine which has fewer carbs.

Well, today I found myself buying a bottle of vodka for the first time in my life. No carbs there at all.

Just a suggestion. ;)

Da Old Man said...

That was it? Lightweight.

Major Undeclared said...

That makes me a little nauseous...and jealous. To make that the perfect weekend I would eliminate Pirates of the Carribean, and all a lot of sour patch kids.

Preston said...

I feel for you dude. So you slipped up a little...as long as you get back on track, it's all cool.

fidget said...

I'm going with your body REQUIRED the nutrients in those.. um "food" items.. yeah that's it. Your were nutrient deficient

Alex L said...

Wow... Maybe next time get the wife to put a lock on the fridge and take your car keys with her.

Doug at Taunt Vortex said...

Dude, have you ever tried Barbecue potato chips with French onion dip ?

It will instantaneously trigger a reflex from your mouth to your brain that unleashes a tidal wave of dopamine. The ultimate food rush.

So, don't do it! You hear me? Don't even think about trying it!

Jenn Thorson said...

Does Sonic have, like, Frequent Eater Miles or something? Because that might be a good investment.

I can't talk, though. I just ingested enough General Tso's chicken to span the Great Wall.

Mmmm... chickeny...

Athena said...

Man I did the same thing when my boyfriend went out of town for a two days...except with chocolate cake and whataburger fries. It was totally worth the extra 5 pounds!!!! Havent fallen off the wagon since :)

muskrat said...

so, now that it's been a couple days...you ok? any need for pepto?

Dan da Man said...

Well i must say stop stealing my diet

Matt said...

Lisa--I am a sick man.

Sillya--I can no longer walk by the bathroom mirror without doing a double-take at the stranger I'm seeing. Thus, a diet is necessary.

Fantasy life--I am on the atkins diet...but without the fat. 1300 calories a day is about normal.

Old man--I know...in the "good ol days," I could put back 2X this amount of food.

Major--Or replace sour patch kids with boston baked beans...delicious.

preston--Is this my sponsor? If not, contact me soon.

fidget--I'm deficient everywhere...:)

alex--If that happened, I'd gnaw off my leg over the weekend.

Doug---hmmm...sounds good. I like Baked Lays dipped in cottage cheese.

Jenn--Sonic has half off drinks from 2-4 every day....it's a good thing I'm at work.

Athena--I would pay a large sum of money for my town to build a Whataburger...yum.

Muskrat---Plus this weekend I was at a wedding...so it didn't get any better. New week...I'm back on the horse.

Dan--I thought you ate small children.

Dan da Man said...

Only the day after halloween when they are the fattest

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