I was alone this weekend. The wife took the kids to the Grandparents.
I was alone...and the demons spoke to me.
C'mon...just a little...it won't hurt anyone. Nobody will know.
So....I broke down...and had a little. And that little turned into a binge. I couldn't stop myself. You know how it is when your brain loses control.
I was useless this weekend. I had a few things in mind that I wanted to accomplish, but didn't even touch them.
Jack Daniels?? Captain Morgans?? Cuervo 151??
Nope...I turned a much more addictive drug---FOOD!!
I was knee-deep in sour cream, enchilada sauce, coca cola, cookies. The fat grams ingested along with empty calories from junk food defy all description.
I've been staying away from these foods for a little while, and thought I had turned into a better man.
There is a constant battle inside me. My body is always trying to trick my brain into eating foods that I shouldn't. Until now, my brain has been the victor....not this weekend.
A review of my daily activities show just how depraved I had become:
4:30 PM: My body begins teasing my brain with thoughts of cheese covered tater tots. My brain pushes the thought aside to finish out the work day. The seed has been planted.
5:30 PM: Drive home. Brain tells body to stop for a deli sandwich. Body says that McDonald's has a chicken breast sandwich that is low in fat grams. Brain compromises and has body pull into drive-thru.
5:32 PM: Body speaks out of turn and orders a double cheeseburger...with french fries and a regular Coke. Brain says that we won't eat the fries in protest.
5:36 PM: Fries are gone before car hits the driveway.
5:48 PM: Brain is in an altered state after getting so many fat grams in such a short amount of time. Body takes advantage and starts the hunt for some sort of sweet thing in the house.
6:30 PM: Body convinces Brain to watch a movie. Pop in "Saw 3."
10:47 PM: Body also convinced Brain to watch "Live free or Die Hard." No movement for 4 hours except to adjust volume on remote.
10:54 PM: Brain and Body compromise on a bowl of cereal. Brain is semi-happy that the milk is 1%. Body is happy as the cereal is Cinnamon Toast Crunch.
11:13 PM: Brain says to go sleep. Body tricks Brain into thinking "Call of Duty 4" is exercise. Begin the video games.
1:37 AM: Both exhausted from blowing heads off of 13 year old kids on the internet, Brain and Body go to bed.
2:34 AM: Wake up in a state of fear.
3:05 AM: Wake up in a panic.
4:38 AM: Wake up to investigate loud noises.
8:14 AM: Brain can sleep no longer, but Body will punish Brain as it is exhausted.
9:53 AM: Body finally lets Brain leave bed.
11:34 AM: After sitting on couch watching "college gameday," both decide that they are hungry. Body is furious as McDonalds is no longer serving Mcgriddles. Both head to Sonic. Body convinces Brain to get a breakfast burrito, tater tots, and a regular coke.
11:59 AM: Brain and Body have now merged into one personality, hell-bent on ingesting every food item available, while keeping bodily movement to a minimum.
4:38 PM: After watching college football for over 4 hours, the need to urinate arises. The debate as whether to use the restroom, or pee in the empty Sonic cup is presented. The fear of spousal wrath if a spill were to occur leads to using the toilet.
4:41 PM: Time for 2 cheese-sticks, and BBQ potato chips. 20 oz coke to wash down.
4:53 PM: College football is too lively for the eyes. The desire for a more sedated tv experience occurs. Watch "Lady in the Water."
7:03 PM: After sleeping through half of "Lady in the Water," the need for more food comes into play.
7:34 PM: Head towards Mexican restaurant. Confirm a drive-thru, and order LARGE Chili Relleno w/ Rice and beans. 3 large Chili's stuffed with pepper jack cheese, deep fried, and then covered with more cheese and sauce. Also order chips/salsa at the last minute.
7:39 PM: Almost drop food as it weighs north of 4 pounds.
8:09 PM: Body begins to have the shakes, as a realistic 190 fat grams were ingested. Lay in a pool of guilt on couch as grease still covers half of face.
8:15 PM: Get down on knees and pray to God for forgiveness. Swear that this will never happen again.
9:03 PM: Forget promise to God, and find bag half full of Grandma's oatmeal cookies.
9:11 PM: Bag is now empty, along with another 20 oz coca cola.
12:58 AM: After watching "21" and the latest Pirates of the Caribbean movie, body heads toward fridge. Only vegetables and cold cut meats are found.
1:09 AM: Finish eating roast beef cold cuts. Head to bed. Sleep soundly. Scale shows a 6 pound gain in 2 days.
9:58 AM: Wake up.
11:05 AM: Get out of bed.
1:35 PM: After watching NFL for a few hours, the call comes from the wife that she is about 30 minutes from home.
1:38 PM: Frantically take quick shower.
1:48 PM: Clean up all traces of recent food episodes.
1:57 PM: After cursory cleaning, sit down on couch and relax.
2:03 PM: Family home....none the wiser.
All this work on my diet...only to be ruined in 2 days. My brain and body are still separating, and I think I'm backed up because of the large amounts of cheese I ingested.
I gotta go...I need to get a 6" Subway club with no cheese or sauces.