Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Reason #17 why you shouldn't shop at the Wal-marts...

A few months ago, my wife was shopping in Walmart, minding her own business. Attempting to find a single aisle to fit through, (as electric handicapped carts filled every aisle) she turned a corner and saw a young man looking at the poster display.

I remember buying posters at Kmart many years ago. I'd flip through the Guns 'n Roses posters, lingering far too long on Samantha Fox in a leotard with steam rising around her.
No store carried the posters I was looking for. (why would they carry a Dead Kennedy's poster?) So, I'd generally settle on a Slayer or Metallica poster as they were generally the coolest looking. I'd find the number in the right corner of the poster placard--A3, and then search through the "tubes" below for A3. Never in the history of poster shopping has someone found the corresponding poster in the tube racks that is displayed in the poster display.
That's why all the rolled up posters were always opened....someone would see a "Dpchmde stage" poster, and unroll it only to find grown men wearing makeup on stage. And then the poster was quickly returned to the tube rack.

I digress.

My wife noticed this guy slowly looking at the the scantily-dressed women, and then kind of "hiding" something near his chest. My wife's curiosity was piqued, and she moved to another angle to get the full picture. What she saw next was either extremely creepy or brilliant.
He was using his cell phone camera to take pictures of each poster of some girl in a bikini.

She quickly moved away from him as the odds are about 93% that he will end up on mapsexoffenders.com in the next 5 years.

Now, I'd like to give this guy the benefit of the doubt. We can all assume the purpose that he intended to use these picture for, but I'd like to think he had a more noble cause.

--He could have been pirating these pictures and blowing them up as posters to sell on NY street corners.
Don't laugh. Head out on any busy city corner and try to buy the latest copy of "the dark knight." You'll be happy you only spent $2.50. Your happiness will soon disappear when you watch the movie. Obviously some guy named Remo used a 59 dollar camcorder to copy the film while 2 teenagers played tonsil hockey in the row directly in front of him.
"Cell-phone guy" could sell the grainy posters on the corner for cheap just the same.

--Perhaps he has a color scheme with other posters on his wall at home.
He probably doesn't want his "Jessica Simpson in a crimson red bikini" poster clashing with the new "Fergie wrapped in neon orange blanket" poster. Complimentary colors my friends.

--It's possible that he is going to a Christina Aguilera concert in the near future. As the crowd hold up their "lit-up" cell phones on a slow song, he may want to hold his phone up while displaying a picture of Christina using rose petals to cover her naughty parts.

--Maybe he felt my frustration, and couldn't find the corresponding poster in the bin below. It's possible that he REALLY liked some of the posters, and wanted to keep them referenced in his phone, so that the next time he hit Fred Meyer, he could get the right one.

--It's entirely possible that he had the camera facing his own face.
Maybe he enjoys looking at pictures of himself as he looks at posters of barely dressed women.

I'd really like to give him some credit here....but unfortunately, this probably boils down to the least common denominator:
He is normal Walmart gutter snipe, and can't even form a mental image in his mind during his alone time. Grainy, washed out images of the Olson twins eating strawberries and whip cream help him so much more.

No word from the wife on whether he was also snapping topless pictures of John Cena.


David said...

the people at walmart are nothing short of amazing...in that creepy, wierd, please-go-away kind of way.

Da Old Man said...

Maybe he enjoys looking at pictures of himself as he looks at posters of barely dressed women.
That made me lol.
He probably then has pictures of himself making the O face.

Shieldmaiden96 said...

My Walmart is a convincing argument for birth control in the water supply.

Gary ("Old Dude") said...

I have this fear of flashing blue lights------

Major Undeclared said...

In my day, I would go to a cd store and look for band posters (i.e. lou bega, chumbawumba) and happen upon scantily clad jenny mccarthy posters. I would get so nervous that people knew i was looking at near-porn, that i hurry slammed the poster boards closed and cracked my voice loudly.

Dan da Man said...

Whats the point if in fact he was using those pics for quiet time when you have the internet and you could get a bear crapping on a naked chick or something

And people call me the crazy one

Chat Blanc said...

holy crap! I'm speechless. . . ugh!

Alex L said...

We dont have walmart in Australia... I'm quite happy about that fact.

Rickey Henderson said...

How about "don't shop at Walmart because it's the most depressing environment known to mankind"?

Have you covered that one yet?

The Hypocritical One said...

David--Oddly enough, there are a couple local grocery chains that are even worse in my town.

Old man--The O face reminds me of the scene in American Psycho where Christian Bale is watching himself having sex in the mirror, flexing, while listening to Sussudio by Phil Collins. Hilarious.

shieldmaiden--Have you seen Idiocracy? The beginning of the show where the redneck has all those kids is great.

gary--I've never actually witnessed a blue light special.

Major--I haven't head the name Chumbawumba for years. How'd it go? I get knocked out, then I get up again....something, something...

dan--He probably doesn't have money for internet. He may have stolen the phone from that very Walmart.


alex--My brother lived in Perth. He didn't have nice things to say.

Rickey--Close---but the craft store is the most depressing store on the earth.

muskrat said...

did you check out the line getting checks cashed? there's where it's really sad.

i remember k-mart posters. good times.

Alex L said...

Perth... pffft, Victoria is where its at!

Meg said...

Thats walmart for you!

Kirsten said...

LOL! Actually, it's not that funny as I'm pretty sure that was my husband. : )

loosecannon said...

Your referencing Samantha Fox and Metallica posters brought back some 13 year old memories of browsing at Spencer's gifts.
For more hatred about Walmart, Walgreens, Target, etc. check out "Are You F---ing Kidding Me?" at www.rufkm.net and read:

1. Let's build 20 check out lines and only hire 3 humans
2. Walgreen's of the dead

Also, since you namechecked Metallica and GNR -- look under "album reviews" for reviews of "Death Magnetic" and "Chinese Democracy."

Loose Cannon and the RUFKM Army

Real Life. Real Shenanigans.

P.S. For your efforts, you are getting 2 smiley faces.

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