Monday, September 22, 2008

Open Letters

Dear "Fat couple who comes and eats lunch together in the same parking lot as me,"

I truly appreciate that you two like to spend time together on your lunch break, but you need to stop coming to my parking lot.
Yes, I understand that it is a public parking lot, but I don't think you realize how annoying you are.
Let me explain:
I have been coming to this parking lot for months. I park in the shade of the same tree every day. I eat my lunch, and then read a book, listen to talk radio, or just take a small nap. Sometimes I catch up on my blogging.
I have my windows partially rolled down to enjoy some fresh air.

And then, you decide to park literally 30 yards from where I enjoy my lunch bliss.
At first, I thought it would be no big deal...that you'd get together for a nice lunch, and then leave me in peace.
But you're so loud...that I can't concentrate on my book, or keep my eyes closed. I tried to roll up my windows, but the sweat beads necessitate some air.

I'm so irritated with both of you, that your every move drives me up the wall.
I hate the way that you feed potato salad to each other.
I hate the way you wrestle with each other on the grass.
I hate the fact that the woman is always wearing sweats.
I hate your Keith Hernandez mustache.
I hate your little red cooler that you always use for lunch.
You must think you're so sly to get in the car, in order to "get frisky." The thought of your combined 390 pounds putting strain on the back seat of your Mercury Cougar is revolting.

ENOUGH. You must leave forever, and give me back my peaceful parking lot.
That is all,

Oddly enough, I received an open letter back.....

Dear "Creepy dude who watches us in his car at lunch,"

You scare us. Please leave us alone.
We come to this parking lot to have lunch, as we don't see each other much during the day.
But every time we're're there....looking...watching...and who knows what else you do in your car.
I swear that you've tinted your windows a darker shade since we first saw you.
We can still see you reclined in your seat...watching us. I sure hope all your clothes are on.

We're ready to call 911 in case you ever decide to approach us. And don't try following us home, as we are card-carrying NRA members.
What kind of person goes and eats lunch by himself in a parking lot in his car?? Go eat at a restaurant. Go get some exercise at lunch.
The only way you could be creepier, is if you had a van with no rear windows.
I hope you realize that this is a neighborhood watch community. We've gone to all the neighbors to tell them to watch out for you and your tinted window Mazda Protege.

Do you sometimes have a laptop in there?? You truly are a pervert. I'm just glad this isn't near a school zone. You need to be locked up.


Athena said...

Hey, don't feel my last job I used to leave and eat lunch in my car, too...until the security guard told me I had to leave and find another parking lot. Whatever. Jerk.

muskrat said...

I used to do that, too, when I was working my way through school...I'd sit in the car, eat, and listen to some lecture on tape I'd checked out at the library. Not all that fun.

I wonder who the perv is the large folks don't like watching them?

Major Undeclared said...

I have parked in an unfinished lot to eat before and been approached by an officer of the law, telling me that the neighborhood watch have reported me nearly every day. They were right to.

Gary ("Old Dude") said...

---ah seriously, did ya?----did ya have your car windows tinted darker?

Alex L said...

Just honk at them, park really close to them be so annnoying that they have to move or invite you to join. Or buy a paint ball gun an cover your number plates

molly said...

Britney Spears at full volume will do the trick, or might just make you look more creepy

Jenn Thorson said...

Can you get someone else to park on the other side of them 30 yards away and stare? They might think it was some kind of movement.

JD at I Do Things said...

Har. Funny. My husband eats lunch in his car sometimes. Other times he brings a lawn chair and sets it up under a tree. I don't know if he's ever encountered a fat couple feeding each other potato salad, but I do know I'm embarrassed for him.

JD at I Do Things

Dan da Man said...

I could sned you my video camera if you want

Silly Swedish Skier Says So said...

I'd love it if you blew them kisses while giggling and waving like the wrestler/principal in Billy Madison.

Rickey Henderson said...

How can you hate anyone with a Keith Hernandez moustache?

The Hypocritical One said...

athena--this is a church unless God speaks to me---I'm staying.

muskrat--I'm not sure...but I'll keep an eye out for him.

Major--I know you, and personally feel they were warranted in their suspicion.

Gary--No..they are already as dark as they can go. The tinter called the color--molester black.

alex--I'm too afraid of confrontation. What if they throw potato salad at me?

Molly--I prefer Christina.

Jenn--Great idea...if only I liked anyone at my work....

JD--the lawn chair is a little much...although, at least he's staked his claim.

Dan--Will you disinfect it first?

Swede--already have....

Rickey--He probably loves it...he can eat the leftover potato salad later in the day.

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