Monday, September 29, 2008

Because there wasn't room anywhere else

So...I've read that the cost to the average taxpayer for this "government bailout" would be about $7500 bucks. That's it??!!! If it will bring back my 401K from 25% down this year, then I'll write the check right now.

Since it didn't pass in Congress, I've been thinking of other things I can do with that $7500 until I get laid off in a bad economy:

  • I can get 2142 gallons of gas. This is 71 fill ups in my Suburban, which would take about 2.7 years to do....unless I purchase a big bite hot dog every time I fill up.
  • 416 copies of the new book in the Twilight series. It would be a wonderful bonfire.
  • I could see the Dark Knight 833 times. Or I could see it 6 times if I got popcorn and a drink.
  • 2500 Mcrib sandwiches. Whoops....too late...the Mcrib has already gone back into the vault.

    • My company gave me an enormous stack of business cards. If they knew that the sole purpose of these is to attempt to win free lunches at local restaurants...will they give me more when these are gone?


      Why do people give me "odd" looks when they see my St. Ives lotion on my desk?? I have very dry hands, and enjoy the soothing hypo-allergenic formula for sensitive skin.



      The amount of time before your sunglasses or broken or lost is inversely proportional to the amount you paid for them.


      E! television has one of the funniest shows around. I know...it's the most ridiculous channel ever---but if you haven't seen The Soup, you're missing out. It is fantastic comedy.



      If there are no "seat covers" in the restroom, you really only have 3 choices:
      --Go home for a potty break.
      --Devise a system of 13 ounces of toilet paper covering every solid surface.
      --Sit directly onto the back of your foot, so that your heel is pushed into your crack. A friend told me that he did this before karate matches if the urge to go "number 2" happened. No wonder they wanted to "sweep the leg" against Daniel-san.


      I hear the Mets and Yankees have been invited to the NIT tournament.


      I've come up with a new weight loss method. Every time I sit on the toilet, I note the red line where my fat gut rests on my legs. If I'm doing things right, the line should be slowly making a northward march towards my crotch.



      My next post will be my 100th...I'll try to give a few details about my life and personal quirks.

      7 comments:

      Alex L said...

      Hows the grip on the bottom of your shoes, try standing on the toilet and squatting, when there is no seat covers (which I have never seen in Australia). I know it sounds silly, but apparently its better for pooping because your sphinctor is all lined up proper... both interesting and disturbing no?

      Rickey Henderson said...

      I hear the Mets and Yankees have been invited to the NIT tournament.

      ahhhhh that smarts... but it's deserved.

      Da Old Man said...

      I liked the post until you mentioned the Yankees. That wasn't funny, it was hurtful and mean.

      Ok, it was a little funny. But it still hurt.

      And the Soup is the best 30 minutes on TV. Which is saying a lot because Redneck Weddings new season is starting its new season.

      muskrat said...

      i'm looking fwd to your 100th!

      i heard it would cost more like $300k per taxPAYER (ie, not the 40% of working Americans who don't pay and/or get the earned income credit).
      either way, it sucks.

      The Hypocritical One said...

      alex--actually..I'm intrigued...and grossed out.

      rickey--try being a Giants fan....I haven't donned my Barry Bonds jersey for some time now.

      Old man--Joel Mchale is hilarious.

      Muskrat--a 1 minute google search showed values between 2k and 7500 bucks...so I picked the higher for "fun." Fun with numbers I suppose.

      Captain Mary said...

      Why should Americans pay for the mistakes of bussiness? Can I get bailed out if I overspend and make bad judgements? Doesn't encourage bussiness to run the right way does it? Just like our government. See you on the bread lines, simple fixes won't work anyway, where is our government getting the money anyway? China! Because I don't have it!

      dizzblnd said...

      I like your calculations on The Dark Knight Movie with popcorn and a drink.. VERY accurate

      Looking forward to you 100th!

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