Thursday, August 14, 2008

Time for deep reflection.

Recently, I decided to go through my mp3's and get rid of a bunch of music I didn't listen to anymore and place everything into a central location on my PC. During this exercise, I noticed a disturbing trend.
I probably have 30 Gigs of music. I purchased hundreds of CD's in my teens and early 20's.
As I organized this music, an uncomfortable truth was staring me back in the face---I did not have any music from a female singer.

This isn't literally true, but pretty close. Of the hundreds of albums on my mp3 player, only 3 have female lead singers--The Sundays, Tori Amos, and Tiffany. (I know...I know....Tiffany? This was in fact the 2nd cassette tape I ever purchased in my young life. The first?? Erasure. I was not a popular kid)
I found one song here and there by a female singer, but mostly it was stuff that I sucked through the Internet back in the days of kazaa when I downloaded everything in sight.

This got me thinking...what's my deal with female singers??

After some reflection, I realized it just wasn't music.

I hate the following shows: The Closer, Saving Grace, Sex in the City, Desperate Housewives, Ghost Whisperer, Greys Anatomy.
I love the following shows: Dexter, The Wire, 24, Eureka, Battlestar Galactica, Reno 911.

I prefer both Obama and McCain over Hilary.

I watch almost every men's sports that exists.
I cannot bear to watch any women's sports---except the following: Women's beach volleyball, mud wrestling, and pole dancing.

A trend seems to be developing here.

All the humor blogs on my blog-roll (to the left) are all men.

I like Simon more than Paula.

Favorite comedians: Jim Gaffigan, Phil Hendrie, Chevy Chase.
Least favorite comedian: Paula Poundstone.

When in a store, I go straight to a male employee if I have a question...and straight to the woman when I'm checking out.

By Diesel...it must be true. I'm a sexist pig. (or I'm gay)

So, in an ongoing quest to improve myself, I am setting some goals to help me overcome this "shortcoming."

1: I vow to watch one of the above shows that I despise for 1 month. I will also not use the term "lick and spank" at any time during the show.

2: I'll attempt to watch any women's sporting event...as long as it not the WNBA. What a bore.

3: I'll revere the name of "Edward" from this day forth as I cannot live up to his standard.

4: I am embarking on a new diet. Perhaps I feel a competition with other women as my man-boobs are growing larger by the day. By shrinking them, I may feel more at peace.

5: Gender-forced affirmative action must be taken with my blog-roll.

6: I will force myself to watch 1 hour a day of Gwen Stefani videos on youtube. Other artists that I should consider watching are: Nelly Furtado, Jessica Simpson, and Fergie. Perhaps I should place "I think we're alone now" by Tiffany on repeat on my mp3 player for a couple hours each day.

7: I will read the articles when I receive my next SI swimsuit issue.

8: Get a "Brazilian."

9: Call Dr. Laura, and declare that "I am my kids Mom."

10: Join Oprah's book club.

To be completely honest, I clean all the bathrooms in my house every week, and clean up after dinner. I'm also slightly uneasy that my wife will read this and be...upset.



Perhaps if I went through this, I would have a little more empathy and understanding.

18 comments:

Don said...

Just don't begin to drink tea from cups or start to worry about whether your eyelashes are too full or not.

Da Old Man said...

Ease into it, my friend. That is too much femininity all at once. It could prove fatal, or worse, you could begin to crochet while baking scones.
Start by reading a couple blogs by women. A few are actually pretty good.
And then look for balance. For every 10 minutes of any Lifetime Channel worthy show, watch an hour of UFC to bleach that crap out of your brain. And never, I repeat, never, watch Sex and the City.

Susan Helene Gottfried said...

Hmm. There's lots of really great female-fronted music out there right now. And a bunch that don't sound female, too. That might help your entre into things a bit more.

The Hypocritical One said...

Dan---oh...I have full eyelashes...got em from my Mom.

Old man--Do I owe you 150 dollars for this?

Susan--(secretly....There are many that I like...but it wouldn't be as funny if I told everyone)

Sully Sullivan said...

You could be gay, my friend.

There's nothing wrong with that.

onangelwings said...

I totally think this is normal. Honestly, thinking about to my 101 boyfriends, none of them had a single female artist in their collection. Chick singers write for chick singer, guys just write.

Love the picture of the guy giving birth but if this was true he would be curled up on his side in a fetal position not smiling lovingly at his baby. Men are such wimps when it comes to pain.

Major Undeclared said...

I have recently been thinking a lot about this topic. Does it make you more or less gay if you don't like female singers? I like maybe three female groups: Fiona Apple, Aimee Mann, and a band called Metric. But if I play these singers in my car I turn the volume down if I drive past someone with their window open.
About comedians, it is a well known wikipedia fact that women are not funny.

Meg said...

Hmm. First of all, let me recommend Patti Smith--a female recording artist.

Secondly, you are sexist, but it probably isn't your fault. We all know that girls will read books about male and female protagonists and males will only read books about male protagonists. Same for TV etc.

Also, apparently the only women who can be funny are fat, gay or Jewish.

If it makes you feel better, you have my permission to add me to your blog list.

But that comes with major responsibility.

BTW, hate Sex in the City. Love the Sopranos.

Paula said...

Just checking out the blogs of the HBFFL! Very funny stuff!!

I have loads of gay men or men who should be gay in my iTunes.

Hmm ... does that mean I'm secretly really a gay man?

And, as I type this I'm watching Project Runway (truly!). LOL!!! I was thinking a minute ago how pleasant Tim Gunn is and how I want to be friends with him.

Chat Blanc (aka Sandy) said...

dude, forget about the sexist crap, I wanna know when pole dancing became a sport. I mean, I might finally have a shot at the Olympics if that's true!! or will my professional status prevent that?

The Hypocritical One said...

Sully--No...as long as I can still be attracted to women.

angelwings--this is true...I am a wimp.

Major--I like Kathy Griffin...but don't tell anybody.

Meg--wise words...you'll be at the front of the affirmative gender action blog-roll.

Paula--project runway?? I'm more of an "America's top model" kind of guy.

Sandy...the Mary Lou Retton of pole dancing.

Don Lewis said...

Far too much work. Stick with the gay concept.

AoE said...

There should be a support group for guys like us

Rickey Henderson said...

Good stuff sir, your tastes are in alignment with Rickey's. Particularly in the tv preferences and politics realms. Any man who likes "The Wire" and dislikes Hillary Clinton is a good friend of Rickey's.

Anonymous said...

Okay, first of all, I think your "list" of things to do to, um, "improve" is much more sexist than accidentally not having any female artists on your ipod.

Everything you talk about is completely stereotypical. I am very female (and by that I dont just mean I have a vagina, but I am very feminine), but I hate with a fiery passion every single show you listed under the "girl" category. Those shows are just horrible shows, and they make me want to shoot myself in the eye more than once. Ghost whisperer? SEX AND THE CITY? Come on, that isn't a sexist thing to hate those shows. It is more a "having a working brain cell" type thing.

Also, who watches girl sports? Really, it is probably a little gay to want to watch a girl sport for any reason other than to stare at their asses. I don't watch girl sports because they, uh, suck? Football is the best, anyway.

Also, Oprah?? Gwen Stefani?? God, I hate these people. Listening to talentless, boring, AND annoying shit all rolled in one will not make you appreciate women any more, my friend. I hope to god you weren't planning on reading Oprah's magazine called "O", because I would like to shove that magazine up a certain orifice of hers.

Perhaps what you need to do is take your list of things you want to do, and go in the opposite direction completely with it. Don't watch shows or listen to music that specifically screams out "ONLY FOR THOSE THAT OVULATE". Instead, find a type of music you are into and see if you can discover a chick musician in that general category. Understandably, a lot of female music is probably too feminine for guys, but you can find some that is not.

And for blogs, maybe you just need to come across a girl with a solid personality you can actually relate to. They exist, though they may be hard to find. It seems the more popular blogs are by men. I originally thought mattress police was a girl, and I was like, SCORE! Finally a popular, amusing blog written by a girl. But nope. Penis.

Well, this is my long ass response, and you have no idea who I am. Ha, funny.

The Hypocritical One said...

Don--That seems to be the theme.

AOE--my wife always keeps me grounded.

Rickey--The Wire==the best of TV.

Anon--While I tend to agree with most of what you say, I will grant that you're more the exception than the rule--at least in the blogosphere. Go hit a random blogspot blog, and you'll get a Mom of 3 talking about the very things I mention. Not that this is bad--I'm all for finding a common thing to enjoy and having friends that appreciate the same thing.
Take me...I enjoy writing marginally funny humor posts...and I try to ride the coat-tails of humor-blogs in hopes that some will "rub off" onto me.
And I will admit (quietly) that the list I wrote was fairly tongue-in-cheek.

Paula said...

Wow. Just had to come back because the long-ass comment from "anonymous" freaked me out when it appeared in my inbox.

Funny how all the people on the 'net named anonymous seem to be such raging assholes? Are they just in a very bad mood because they got stuck with such a common name?

Alex L said...

I'm the same, I have one cd with a female vocalist that I listen to regularly, and thats Arch enemy a death metal band so I dont know if that even counts. I just tend to not think about it, the fact that the only 'girly' things I like are girls. But I wouldnt really say that the wire and the shows you listed are boyish. They kick arse but I wouldnt say they are particularily manly.

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