Thursday, August 21, 2008

Right laners....Unite!!

I'm always in a hurry to get anywhere in the car. I never get in and think, "Well, I'm 15 minutes early...perhaps I'll drive 10 under the speed limit and enjoy the ride." My brain is hard-wired to calculate the latest possible instant when I can get in the car and make it to my destination.
Barring any set-backs, I always get where I'm going at the exact time I planned.

Unless I hit traffic.

You can always tell when there is a lane closure up ahead. Cars start the inevitable creep to merge into the right lane. The right-laners get a little protective with their space, and bunch up like fish swimming near a predator...hoping that a car doesn't signal to move in front of them.
Most of the time there are good driving manners all around, and people merge in plenty of time before the lane merges.
Most of the time.....

For some reason, there are a select few who feel that they need to stay in the left lane while everybody else is in the right lane. These are the left-laners.
You can see why...the lane is wide open for quite a ways until you hit the cones that forcibly move them over...one can get 50 or 60 cars ahead of where they would have been.
They fly past everyone and get to the last possible point to merge---and some old bag will inevitably let them in...thus starting a chain reaction of "brake light nirvana" in the right lane. Multiply this by 25 left-laners merging at the last minute...and therein lies the reason for the slow right lane in the first place.

What could be the cause of this douchetacular behavior?

You must be in some sort of hurry or emergency?
--Yeah...and the other 95% of cars are out for a Sunday drive. The collective rage of the drivers you are passing is almost enough to crumple your car with pure thought.

You didn't "realize" that the merge was coming??
--This is my favorite. A car comes speeding up, and then at the last minute you see the driver get a "pretended" look of confusion and panic...as they merge right on top of a Dodge Avenger. You may even get a hand-wave and non-verbal sorry from this joker, but believe me "my friends," it is fake.

You just don't care???
--There will be a 4th mouth created for you in the head of Satan...and you will dwell with Brutus, Cassius and Judas Iscariot. Welcome to the 9th circle of Hell.

Right-laners...it's time for us to unite.
I know you're out there. I'm one of you. We're the silent majority.

You may be using the following "tactics" to try to keep the left-laners at bay--but they are just not working:

Trying to block both lanes in order to keep traffic flowing.
--This does not work, as you will have most cars swing wide around the lane, and go around you.

Letting 15 cars in front of you leading up to the merge.
--Is there not an un-written "every other car" rule in effect? You are not helping.

But there is one thing that you can do...which seems foreign to most people::
DO NOT LET THEM MERGE!!

Warning---You will be honked at, flipped off, and potentially rammed. Do not let this discourage you from the goal of forcing the left-laners to wait longer than if they would have just merged 500 yards back.
If you want to avoid this confrontation, quietly look ahead as you leave 4 inches between you and the car in front. Do not respond to taunts or threats, and if you need to respond with the bird....please oh please give them the double deuce tribute.

What would happen if you had ALL right-laners at a merge situation? Well, it happened a couple weeks ago driving home from vacation.
It was unbelievable. The right lane was full for about a mile leading into the merge. The left lane was a ghost town. Traffic moved along swiftly... people had smiles on their faces...the lamb laid down with the lion...at that point in time, it was the happiest place on the planet.

If our "right-laner" pact fails....I'm installing swords on my wheels like in "Gladiator." I'll void your Big-O warranty right there.

13 comments:

Skip DeKades said...

Sign me up!

Dan da Man said...

I just go as close as i can to the car in front of me so no chance for them to merge

Starrlight said...

ROFL! AMEN to the Merge issues! Found you via entrecard. Nice blog, I'll be back =)

Michael Cruse said...

We need a way to revoke driving privileges of the undeserving. Let's say you get six “incidents” of moronic driving a year as report by your fellow drivers. On the seventh, you get to take the bus for 30 days. It would never work, as I would report every single person the road to reduce congestion, so I could get to work faster, but it is a pleasant thought…

Major Undeclared said...

I completely agree with said argument. I am willing to join the right laner movement. Previously I would get so nervous and let the left merger in and expect a wave in return. when i wouldn't get one, i would wave to them to provoke a wave. still nothing. they are already thinking of weaving through the next lane of traffic.

Gary ("Old Dude") said...

finally a sane comment about what real life requires, a right-laner Union. I qualify, I did as told, refused to let one of those left lane idiots in---and he inched along and then it was to late he was already channeled into a freeway turnoff, if he had a guy I am sure he would have shot me---I just gave him my best smile and a shoulder shrug and that look of "Sorry nothing I could do but follow the traffic ahead of me"---I was a hour late getting home due to the traffic and I was still smiling when I got home.

Gary (old dude)
http://threescoreplusten.blogspot.com/

Nanny Goats In Panties said...

Yep, I get stressed out as soon as I merge to the right because I know a bunch of assholes will fly past me in the left-lane going for that last minute merge.

Jerks.

The Hypocritical One said...

skip--Welcome aboard...tell your friends..who'll tell theirs..etc...until we have Kevin Bacon aboard.

Dan--Correct behavior.

starlight--thanks...I'm glad at least 1 entrecard member didn't lift my bounce rate.

Michael--The roads would be empty.

Major--I HATE the non-returning wavers...double whammy there.

gary--Feel free to join the union...the dues are fairly steep, but worth it.

Nanny--and thus the collective rage of the right-laners.

Athena said...

Okay so I'm going to speak out here and admit that I am totally guilty of the extremely last minute right lane merge. Yes, it is an emergency that I get home to watch HGTV and drink wine and do drunk crafts, damnit!! I'll repent my sins and join the right laner pact, only if I get a cool membership card and coupon book.

Da Old Man said...

"Douchetacular" behavior. I am so stealing that.

Mike said...

In the bed of my truck there is an automated gattling gun.

I go through $15,000 worth of rounds every month.

It's worth it.

Alex L said...

'and if you need to respond with the bird....please oh please give them the double deuce tribute.'

I can hear the screams from here... and its beautiful!

The Hypocritical One said...

athena--done and done. We do accept paypal for your dues.

old man--I'm trying to think of 47 ways to use the word douche--the word--not the action.

mike--you must be from Arkansas? Those are some interesting gun laws.

alex--every time you do this, your life turns into "slow-motion movie mode." It's awesome.

Locations of visitors to this page