Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Riding in car with Boy.

On a recent weekend getaway, it was necessary to drive 2 cars. I talked my 3 year-old son into driving with me while the rest of the kids were with my wife. This was a challenge in itself as my wife’s car is like “Toys R Us”. Books, movie screens, toys, food, and soda pop are available at any time.
My car is like a motel room. It has a certain purpose. My car serves its purpose to get me back and forth from work. No frills.

13 minutes into the 2 hour drive, I heard my son say he was bored. I realized I had not grabbed anything from the other car to entertain him. I shuffled through the glove box to find something he’d enjoy, coming up with a pen. I had some junk mail on the front seat, so I thought he’d be able to draw for a while using these items.

2 minutes later, the letter hit the ground. “You all finished drawing bud?” He said he didn’t like the pictures on the junk mail, and that he wanted a coloring book. I suppose my Vanguard 401K account has been doing rather poorly this year, and I didn’t blame him for chucking it.

Well, I’m not a first-time Dad. I still had some tricks up my sleeve.

“Hey bud, you want to listen to the radio?” I ask.

“Yes…but I get to pick the music,” he says.

As we were in the middle of a desert, there was only 1 station that had reception. This station obviously had not received any new cassette tapes in some time as the 2 songs we heard back to back were “My prerogative” by Bobby Brown, and then “One night in Bangkok." I don't even remember who sang that--was it Murray Head or Frankie goes to Hollywood? I digress. These 2 songs were enough to prompt him that the music should be shut down. I didn’t blame him.

Ok, I know…every kid loves “I spy.” This will surely be a winner.

And sure enough, the boy was excited to play.

Round one:
Boy: I spy something blue.
Me: Is it the sky?
Boy: Nope…it’s the sky.

Ok…I’ll go next to show him how this works.

Round two:
Me: I spy something white.
Boy: I spy something white.
Me: No…I spy something white.
Boy: No…I spy something white.

Hmm, this was not working as I planned. I quickly went over the US sanctioned “I spy” rules with the boy. I don't think he heard me.

Round three:
Boy: I spy something green.
Me: Is it the trees?
Boy: Nope.
Me: Is it the bushes?
Boy:’s the trees.
Me: I said that already.
Boy: No you didn’t.
Me: Yes I did.
Boy: No you didn’t.
(repeat the last 2 lines 47 times)

I decided to give this “game” one last chance.

Round four:
Me: I spy something yellow.
Boy: I spy something yellow.
Me: No…you’re supposed to guess what’s yellow.
Boy: No, you are.
Me: No, I already know what’s yellow.
Boy: I spy something yellow.

And then spontaneously he decides to chant “Dad is weird” while hitting his hand on his mouth like when you used to pretend to be an Indian as a kid. This went on for roughly 24 minutes. Any attempt to quell the chant resulted in a doubling of decibel level.

After tiring of this, he entertained himself the rest of the drive, as I was obviously far too boring. (and weird)

He did chime in from time to time to let me know the following:

Dad, I need to go poop.
Dad, I ate my booger.
I need something to eat. (I thought he just did?)
Look Dad, I’m licking my knees.
Hey Dad, I can look at the sun.

I realize that I’ll probably never be able to talk him into leaving the “Toys R Us” car again…but I’ll try, as he’s much funnier and entertaining than Glenn Beck or ESPN radio that I’d normally listen to. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to attempt to lick my knees.


Don said...

Thanks for the memories. Sounds all too familiar.

Meg said...

One word: GameBoy.

Or is that two?

Bee said...

Ha ha!! At least he was amused!

I hate playing I spy with my 5 year old niece. I always lose.

The Hypocritical One said...

Don--you bet.

Meg--This would involve instruction and patience...2 things I do not have in spades.

Bee--At least she's 5...I lose to a 3 year old.

Anonymous said...

Lol...That sounds strangely similar to a conversation I had with my boyfriend recently. :)

shaxx said...

That's funny! Kids are annoying yet adorable!

Major Undeclared said...

Licking your knees is nothing. I once spent two hours trying to lick my elbows. I should have tried when I was younger and they were shorter.

Da Old Man said...

I remembered when my kid was around that age. For some reason, she was obsessed with UPS trucks. She pointed out each and every one during our trips. We live near a main distribution center, so her little head nearly exploded when we went by during a shift start.

Rickey Henderson said...

Heh funny stuff. And for the record, banging your head against the wall is more entertaining than ESPN radio.

The Hypocritical One said...

starfish--What--the part about the boogers?

shaxx--never annoying...sometimes very difficult.

Major--I would like to see this on youtube.

Old man--A whole new meaning to "What can Brown do for you?"

Rickey--yet another reason for me to get XM radio...thank you.

sansinhibitions said...

Priceless! I had Joe Scruggs tapes...knew every word of every song. The 3 kids and I were genuine entertainment for whom ever was next to us at a stop sign/light. Ah...those were the days!

Nanny Goats In Panties said...

i LOVED this! Will you please write a screen play or seven? They need your help.

Kirsten said...

LOL! I think that my kids play by the special rules that your son plays with. Now it's starting to come together. They are all in cahoots together!

Anonymous said...

Thats birth control right there!

The Hypocritical One said...

sans--joe're kids were cultured.

Nanny--Do they pay well?? :)

Kirsten--dirty dogs.

Sarah--nah...he's a freaking stud. Makes me laugh way more than my blog has.

onangelwings said...

Now that is just plain funny. Thanks for the laugh.

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