Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Reason #53 why you shouldn't shop at the Wal-marts

Recently, I was walking through the myriad of aisles at Wal-mart searching for some sort of protein bar. I have no idea where anything is in this store. When I need something, I just start on the first aisle, and work my way to the back. If I don't seem to find what I'm looking for, I just leave the store.
83% of the time that I ask for directions to an item, they send me around the store 3 times until I eventually find out that they don't carry it. I'm sure it's a game that the 9 store employees play with unsuspecting customers such as myself....or else they have no clue themselves. It's a toss-up.

As I made my way down the 6th or 7th aisle, I passed a family looking at the pickles. I won't describe them as this would be judgemental and potentially racist. I do know that they spoke English, because I overheard the following.

Legal immigrant Dad: I don't want the sweet ones.
Legal immigrant Mom: How am I supposed to know which is which?
LID: Check it.
LIM: Huh?
LID: Check it.
Mom grabs the bottle and starts twisting the lid.

I immediately stopped in my tracks as I could sense something big was happening here. I go for my cell phone, but didn't have enough cover to take a picture. They sensed my presence, and turned away from me....but not before I see the Mom "sniff" the open pickle jar.

And then, she puts the lid back on.... and places it back on the shelf.

As I rounded the corner and walked through the plethora of Campbell's soup and chili, I absorbed the experience that just occurred. As I re-played it in my mind like a movie, I realized that I was going to miss the best part--the ending.

I turned back into the pickle aisle and found it very crowded, but the nasal tester family was still there. Amazingly enough, they were still looking at pickles. Obviously I stand out in Wal-mart (I consider this a good thing), for when they saw me, they quickly walked out of the aisle...with no pickle jar in tow.

I stood there and faced a decision...seek out the "tainted" pickle jar and throw it away...or walk away.

Luckily, Wal-mart made the decision for me. The aisle quickly became filled with "lookie-lou's" who had no regard for human decency or life as they navigated their carts like ocean-liners through a canal. I still held hope that I could reach the nostrily-offended bottle. I tried to maneuver through the wasteland of handicap carts, and women wearing sweat-pants with front butts, but got nothing but evil stares, and sighs that I was trying to go "against the flow." So I walked away.

Do they even sell sweet pickles anymore?
Perhaps they were looking for a bottle that said "not-really-sweet," or "semi-sweet" rather than "dill?"

Either way, I'm always sure to check the "fresh-pop" lids on my baby-dills now....although a nose-hair wouldn't be the most disgusting thing I've ever seen at Wal-mart. But that's reason #79 why you shouldn't shop at the Wal-marts.


The Nemesing One said...

This takes sampling at the bulk food bins to a whole new level! Holy crap this is bad. This should be a capital offense.

damon said...

I would have called them on it in 1 second. Freakin pickle sniffers. That right there is grounds for deportation.

Chat Blanc said...

that is sooooooo wrong!! dammit, now I have to worry about even more things at the grocery store. I may never buy food again! :p

Don said...

Pick your nose. Pick your pickle. Hell, I thought that was normal behavior at Wal-Mart.

margaret said...

This was awesome. And gross. And goddammit, I try to figure that people do stupid shit because they have no clue that what they are doing is wrong. You've just reinforced why I NEVER NEVER buy food from WallFart and now I will ALWAYS ALWAYS check lids, because idiots do occasionally shop elsewhere.

And here's another thing...if you HAD taken a picture and they saw you, YOU would be the bad guy.

leigh said...

pickle sniffing is probably a compliment in their country...wherever that is.

Meg said...

Yeah, K-Mart is definitely a better place to shop. Although they have the women wearing sweats with front butts there, too.

Anonymous said...

uh yeah. YUCK!

Anonymous said...

Well, Wal-Mart should charge admission to their daily show. I try to avoid the place, but whenever I go in their stores, I come out much more appreciative of my life. If you have a bad day, go to Wal-Mart and then you will realize how great your life is compared to the people walking most of the isles. Is this a little too harsh??

The Hypocritical One said...

TNO--A bulk pickle bin...This is prior art right now...my patent. Oh crap...they have those at my local movie theater.

Damon--I'm anti-confrontation. Plus they might have stolen my son.

chat--That's why I live off a diet of microwave popcorn, and beef jerky.

Don has it on the nose. (literally)

Margaret--I've never been busted taking a picture yet...but I've only taken them in the dark of night outside windows.

Leigh--ahem...south of border...atchoo.

Meg--Kmart is home of the blue hairs...and I was kicked out of k-mart as a teenager. I have a grudge.

flitting--I saw Yuck, and thought you said something else. I'm tired.

Michael--It's the #1 diet plan in America.

Tina said...

*shudders* It's scary that there are pickle sniffers running rampant through the country.

Dan da Man said...

Pickles are for babies you got to get hot peppers

Athena said...

I havent been into a wal-mart for about a year now. nice to know things havent changed much.

Gary ("Old Dude") said...

If I can't peel it, I don't eat it.---nobody shops at walmart anymore---its to crowded with "them".

Gary (old dude)

Anonymous said...

I suppose reading the label is too much to hope for?
Although I admit, I do sniff melon navels to see if they are sweet. Ack!

The Acorn King said...

This post is great on so many levels. Thank you for feeling my Walmart pain, I actually have to make a conscious effort to dress like a dirtbag when entering a Walmart. I call it my Walmart camouflage. I just try to emulate what I think Brittany Spears and K-Fed might wear if they were out shopping.

The Hypocritical One said...

tina--not to mention "bulk candy tasters," and the people who sample every lotion before picking one.

Dan--Silly Dan, pickles aren't for kids. Trix are.

Athena--I wish to attain such heights.

Gary--I wonder if "they" call us...one of "them."

123--totally acceptable on a melon...as long as you don't lick it or something.

acorn--words of a wise man.

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