Saturday, August 2, 2008

Obama V McCain--I need a nap.

In a newly formed direction to gain energy independence from foreign oil, Obama has proudly proclaimed his new policy:

"The time has come, " Obama states, "for Universal oil changes. There are more than 45 million Americans not receiving oil changes at this time. Under my plan, every American would receive oil changes at a regular interval as described by the manufacturer of the vehicle."
"Whether it be Jiffy-lube, Express-lube, or another oil service station, you will have the portability and choice of where to go."
"Furthermore, every American will have guaranteed eligibility for this service. No one will be turned away for a pre-existing mechanical condition."
"Subsidies will be paid for those that cannot afford the "Jiffy-lube signature service" or those who use synthetic oils. In addition, I will ensure that the free popcorn in the waiting area is always regularly stocked."

And in the same stump speech, Obama decried the future windfall profits of "air-machine" manufacturers:
"It is common knowledge, that to reduce our dependency on foreign oil, we need to inflate our tires to correct pressure. And as you know, most air-machines at the local gas stations charge 50 cents to fill your tires."
"I'll make air-machine companies pay a tax on their windfall profits, and we'll use the money to help families buy hand pumps with which they can use for free. In addition, basketballs, kick-balls, and volleyballs can also be inflated with these pumps."

When asked about these developments, John McCain flip-flopped on his original decision to brush his teeth for the next week. "I like em yellow!"

7 comments:

The Nemesing One said...

I'll try and keep this family-friendly.

Holy caca, this is some seriously funny poop.

Stephanie M said...

Until now, the upcoming election has been up in the air for me. HOWEVER, this COMPLETELY changed everything - thanks for the info.

Dan da Man said...

Ron paul should be the president but nooooo

damon said...

Where's Ross Perot when you reeeeaallly need him?

Don Lewis said...

This is excellent. I'm short-listing you for my VP choice.

The Hypocritical One said...

TNO--thank you...but I was just basically quoting.

Steph--you bet...pressure guages on me.

Dan--You're not even old enough to vote.

Damon--I love that little-eared guy.

Don--Thank you...I know we had troubles in the primaries, but I can help sway the vote in the District of Columbia.

JohnnyB said...

love this

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