Friday, August 1, 2008

Barely passed in the past

I have a 4-year degree from a University. It only took me 6 years. Why? Well, the first year of college is sort of a blur...and my grades definitely reflected this.
I had just recently turned 18 years old and graduated from High School. I took a summer job in Alaska gutting fish 16 hours a day. I came home and shortly moved away to school. It was my first time living out of the house, and became a truly eye-opening experience.
Perhaps you can learn from my mistakes...or capitalize on them. Let's review some highlights from freshman year 1993-94.

-NEVER schedule a 7:30 AM class. I don’t care who you are….you will not attend very often. In fact, you may actually fail chemistry because you will make it to class roughly 15% of the time. And guess what?? Nobody cares if you don't show up! I quickly learned that the normal “bed-time” in the dorms was roughly 2:30 AM. You had better have a padlock to keep people out of your room if you intend to retire early.

-If you room-mate tells you that a girl is coming over, and that you must leave….don’t go back for at least 12 hours. Odds are, that you will find naked people on your bed...on your pillow…listening to Disney’s Aladdin soundtrack, doing obscene things.

-“Tequila days” does not mean that it will be the best football game of the year, or that the frat houses will be rocking. It really means that you’ll be home by 4:30 PM, taking off your room-mates shoes, and tucking him into bed while trying to wipe the puke from his hair that got on your pants. Oh yes...he had lucky charms for breakfast.

-Don’t go to a Halloween party dressed as an old woman. You will not meet a single girl who wants to grind with their Grandma.

-Do not touch your dorm-mate’s tarot cards. They are not to be used for “card-towers,” and will cause him to cast a “spell” on you. Yes….I have seen a grown man try to cast a spell on another man. Shoot me an e-mail if you want the recipe.

-Pick up a seepa, and learn to play Hackey. You will do this roughly 4 hours every day.

-When your buddies dare you to run 300 yards in only ski goggles, a scarf, and tennis shoes in front of the dorms…turn it down. They won’t pay up.

-Don’t ever leave any beverage unattended…when you return, there will be chewing tobacco spit inside roughly 58% of the time.

-When playing card games, don’t ever have real money. Bring small bits of paper and write IOU’s on them…as you lose money, you only lose IOU’s. Odds are, that they will lose them, or one day when they are hard up for cash, they’ll take a taco bell lunch in place of the 20 dollar IOU.

-If the people below are you immediate "dorm-mates"--move out immediately. Things will not end well:
---30 year old who claims to own "the largest collection of porn west of the Mississippi." (this was before PC porn.
---A religious zealot
---A Sigma Nu who rarely spent time sober.
---An 8th year senior who used the closet both morning and night to have a "chronic" uplift.
---A foreigner who stews small rodents for dinner.

-Make friends with your football and basketball dorm-mates. All the good looking girls hang out there. Not that this will help you. (or me)

-Go to every concert, dance, activity, sporting event, etc. You will never have the chance to go back and do this again…unless you are on the 6-year plan like I was.


Lori said...

Learn how to take notes while stoned. I aced Biology that way!!

Da Old Man said...

6 year plan? I took so long, I had credits that were old enough to vote.

Chat Blanc (aka Sandy) said...

7:30 AM class???? What's the word I'm looking for. . .oh yeah, with all the wisdom of a recent blog post--Duuh!! ;)

Brownie said...

You rule. I had a 7:30am Algebra class sophomore year...*thought* I could do it...I STILL have nightmares about the "Are you in this class?" speech I received when I *attempted* to take the final...however, I will say this...FIJI had the BEST "FIJI Islander" party that year...the other nights with Phi Gam? Well, I don't really remember the rest...

Meg said...

What no nude dancing to grunge music? Dude, you missed out.

Stephanie M said...

If only you had written this to me 20 years ago :( Where were you?

Don Lewis said...

Geez that brings back memories. Wish they were mine.

Alice said...

This post was scarily accurate.

We had a few of the tarot card/wiccans in our dorm. And being the normal person that she was she sprayed her roommates bed with pepper spray when she got pissed off.

leigh said...

don't feel bad. it took me 8 years.

truthfully, i enjoyed every minute of it.

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