Thursday, July 10, 2008

A yard of solitude

One quick note---A "notice" was just posted on my companies internal web site----entitled:

Reducing our carbon footprint and saving money

I guess we've decided to shut down the A/C in many areas at night. My guess is that we are doing this in hopes that it will offset the non-stop plumes of smoke that emanate 24/7 from the plant. Carbon footprint?? More like Carbon atomic bomb. (by the way, this in in Idaho where I never imagined I'd see the headline above)

--Back to your regularly scheduled programming--

I've got a "wanderer" for a neighbor. Multiple times I have been looking out and seen him traipsing though and around the area where our yards adjoin. What is he doing?? I don't know...I'm too chicken to press the issue.

There are also a few neighborhood kids that get a little "roamy" at times. We have been warned that they will come in your house when you're not home, and make themselves comfortable. (too bad suckers...I always lock up)

And the last straw was a few weeks ago. There was an enormous neighborhood yard sale with literally hundreds of people going through the neighborhood looking to give pennies for crap nobody wants. (for the reason why I didn't participate in the yard sale, please go here)
We live at the end of a cul-de-sac. As the yard-salers made their way through our street, many decided that they didn't want to walk back down the cul-de-sac, and go around the corner to the next they decided our yard was to be "eminent domain." Person after person started walking through our yard to cut through to the next street. In theory, I don't have a problem with this. But what if I were "bottom-less sunning" in the back-yard, and heard the tell-tale sound of "spare change" in the pockets of yard-salers. I'd look up to a whole family carrying old golf clubs, care bears, and an enormous collection of beanie-babies. This would be tragic for both parties.

At the present time, we do not have a fence around our yard. Sure I could throw down 5 grand for a fence. When does the next tax rebate get here??
I suppose I could put up "no trespassing" signs on posts. Nothing says "good neighbor" like these.
IED's would make mowing difficult.

I believe there is a better way to take care of this....yard art.
Yard art? Yes. I'm talking statues, gargoyles, and other creepy things that old ladies put in their yard because they found them for 1.25 at a garage sale.
But these "angel" statues purchased by the blue-hairs are amateurish compared to what a friend sent me in an e-mail. This yard art puts "mermaid" statues to shame. Case in point:
Holy crap!! Nothing says I like daisies like a "Resident Evil" statue. I don't think the true depravity can be seen until we zoom in on the face (At least he flosses):

To purchase this satanic yard art, go here. In my visit to this site, I found many other "odd" items that I believe would dissuade any rational human being from stepping foot into my yard. These can be seen below. (including a tree face of Jack Nicholson, a Baldwin brother traipsing through the yard, and a friendly a-sexual alien)

And for those that want to keep members of the ACLU away, you can get the 10 commandments. which have Hebrew on one side, and English on the other. Neil Diamond would be proud. You can set this next to your Christmas exhibit to keep everyone off-balance.

Unfortunately, none of these things will help against the neighborhood dogs looking for a public toilet. I had to go to a different web site to find a solution for this problem.


We all abide by the Brady Bill on this site.


The Nemesing One said...

Holy crap this was funny. I cannot believe the nerve of people these days. Also, your company needs to be shot, not just your neighborhood dogs.

Anonymous said...

Flame thrower in the open spaces, spike-filled trenches near the baby barn and the pretty, pretty flowers.

My yard is an expanse of calm.

The Hypocritical One said...

In real life I only own an air-soft gun. Maybe I should just pelt the yard-salers as they walk through...but make sure to wear eye-protection---you know---for the kiddos.

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