Thursday, July 24, 2008

We will walk you

Everybody hates bad drivers…even though most of you are bad drivers yourself. Alas, this is not another bad post about bad drivers---it's a bad post explaining about the root of bad driving---Walking!!

Huh? Yes…walking.

You’ve heard that you can’t chew gum and walk at the same time?? Well, this is true because most people can barely walk and form random cognitive thoughts at the same time.

My recent excursion to a few amusement parks and high foot traffic events has opened my eyes to a ridiculous display of idiocy. I need to rant below on the various douche-icities that I encountered.

Walking side-by-side (also known as the “walk of the Rockettes.”):
If you’re in a confined walking space with not much room, there is no reason for your whole family to walk side by side to re-enact the beginning of Laverne and Shirley. Even if you’re attempting to create the “great wall of fatty tissue,” it’s not polite.
Couple this with the fact that 8 of you equal a metric ton, and we’re talking some serious space-taking. The NY Giants couldn't break through that line. You need to break up the party into groups of 2 or 3 in front of each other…even then, odds are you’ll still take up a majority of the space as your butt is 4 ax-handles wide. (note—perhaps you’re avoiding being the recipient of ghastly body odor that each of you is putting off, and don’t want to be caught “down-wind” from each other.)

Leashing up your kids (also known as “walking the dog.”):
I understand when you are in a highly concentrated group of people, that you may feel the need to “leash” up your kid so they won’t get lost. (or you just don’t want to watch them while stuffing your face with 2 churros so that you’ll finish them before your spouse returns from the rest-room and asks for a bite)
I admire your dedication as a parent. I also admire the lack of brain cells you used in the logistics of this plan. Granted---if you’re in a large city park, or on a trail with a steep drop-off, the leash works great. But insert 3500 people into a small area, and you have just caused your kid to be trampled as the leash gets tangled up in 56 people’s legs. Newton's 3rd law tells me that if I walk into your poorly placed leash, either your hand will be ripped off, or your kid will be sucking pavement. You choose.

Ok…you were one of the tough dudes in high school….it was cool to walk through the halls and give everybody walking by, a “stiff-arm” with your “Suicidal Tendencies” Levi jacket. Well, guess what?? Everything’s changed since then except your education level. I make more money than you, have a hot wife, and all my hair. Grow up, and give others some space.

The indecisive walker (also known as the “Irish Jig.”):
If you’re approaching me, you’ll notice I have picked a line to walk---my eyes are focused on it, my shoulders lean towards it, and I’m heading that way. And then you suddenly decide to head straight for me---jumping back and forth like you’re trying to juke a 280 pound linebacker. Then I get confused, and deviate course…soon, we’re both jumping back and forth trying to dodge each other while we remain on a collision course….and then my arm touches your sweaty body as our shoulders collide--It’s not pleasurable for either party.
Pick a line…and go with it. If we both happen to pick the same line, and collide in a sweaty heap of fatty tissue, I’ll be much happier that we were both assertive. (note—do not try to intentionally run into a hot girl using this tactic—there are easier ways to cop a cheap feel)

The Looky-lou:
These are the people who have decided that there are more important things to look at than where they’re going. Next time you walk into me, you’re getting my strawberry-lemonade ice I’m carrying, right in your guts.

If you’re walking at roughly 20% of the average pace, you should move over to the right-hand side of the walkway. I took 45% more steps than I needed to over the past week trying to get around your party of “steady wins the race” types.

The Stoppers:
If you encounter an emergency while walking, please pull over to the right and take care of it. There is literally nothing short of dropping large sums of money or a contact lens that should freeze you in your tracks. I don’t know how many people I “rear-ended” when they decided to stop dead in their tracks. Simulating “riding the pony” with a 53 year old hairy Greek (man) while he picks up his Disney map next to “Pirates of the Carribean” is not my idea of a vacation.

These mercenaries are generally foreigners…they can dart at any angle, head to the left, or just turn around in mid-walk. Perhaps they're checking which seats they’re in while trampling a 4 year old in an Angels hat. Proceed with caution—you’ll find abundant hair in both sexes, and a lack of deodorant. Neon colors and extraordinarily short shorts are the tell-tale signs of this menace.

Wheel-chair riders:
I have an entire post on this phenomenon in the next month or two. I can’t even begin to explain the unintentional comedy with this group. (not the real handi-capped riders---just the “pretenders.”)

So….when you are on the freeway and wondering what these people are thinking---just remember; they don’t even know how to walk correctly---but that is no reason why our government shouldn't hand them a driver’s license.


The Nemesing One said...

Ah sure, you had to mention your thick wavy hair. That was hitting below the belt(where all my hair has gone, and turned gray and wirey).

Dan da Man said...

There might be easier ways to cop a feel but i am to lazy to think of one so i will stick by my guns

The Hypocritical One said...

@ NO - I actually just mentioned my full head of hair...but your are is thick and wavy.

@Dan - I'm at a loss.

Rickey Henderson said...

Ah yes, the ettitquite of foot travel. Rickey's favorite foot maneuver is to totally ignore that whole "walk on the right side" rule. Instead, Rickey likes to dart from side to side whenever entering a room when others are. Rickey will dart from side to side like a linebacker in an attempt to fully block traffic. Good times.

Meg said...

The Irish jig--as an Irish step dancer, I resemble that remark!

Chat Blanc (aka Sandy) said...

My beef with idiot walkers in everyday life is targeted squarely at the elderly, call me cruel, but it's true. I HATE old folks who v-e-r-y-s-l-o-w-l-y move down the middle of the aisle with their carts only to stop and stare at something, impeding all others' progress. Also, they walk/drive like no one else exists. ugh, I simply refuse to get that old!!

HRH said...

I just got back from a day at 6 Flags and noticed the weirdest thing I had never seen before. A group of people that formed a "V" like they were birds flying south for winter. The front of the pack was pretty easy to negotiate, but as they passed you got caught up in the middle of their empty "V" which wasn't really was full of other strangers trying to escape. Oh! And of course they were all wearing matching t-shirts.

Major Undeclared said...

If I know that I will be walking some time during the day, I make sure to call three friends and do the "Reservoir Dogs" walk where we all walk side by side blocking any path. With my vanity I walk towards the middle of the group.

The Hypocritical One said...

@Rickey--Watch for flying strawberry lemon-ice.

@meg--Irish dancers are for the stage--not in line at Splash mountain.

@Chat--I agree...but am an equal-oppurtunity ranter--thus the elderly were not singled out. (although I almost trampled one at the Indiana Jones ride)

@HRH--We also went to 6 flags Magic mountain...there was NOBODY there. It was heavenly and Magic Mountain = 10 * Disneyland.

@Major--You also resemble Steve Buscemi.

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