Saturday, July 26, 2008

Timothy Olyphant owes me 93 minutes of my life

(A group of movie writers, directors and producers sit around listening to a pitch for a new movie)::

Writer: I think we have an un-tapped market with this movie!!
Producer: Which market is that?
W: Movies based on a video game!!
P: I can think of 20 bad movies based on video games.
W: Name one!!
P: Super Mario Bros.
W: No way...that was awesome...did you know that Mario's last name is Mario in that movie? Mario Mario!!
P: ...
W: I love goombas.

P: What about Doom, Silent Hill, or Wing commander??
W: I love Dwayne Johnson.

W: What if we spray blood around like in "300?"
P: Better...
W: And at least 3 gratuitous nudity scenes??
P: I'm listening...
W: And then we'll basically copy the Bourne Supremacy sound-track, have the star give "angry eyes" throughout the movie, and the guns will never run out of ammo?
P: When do we start filming??!!

I should have checked out Rotten Tomatoes before I randomly grabbed this movie. I liked the "Resident Evil" series and thought this might have had some promise. Unfortunately, the only promise I received is from my wife that she'll kill me if we watch a movie that bad in the near future.

I'll give a recap for those who don't need to waste their time:

Bald guy is a hitman.
Bald guy seemingly doesn't like women.
Insert beautiful hooker here.
Bald guys chooses angry eyes instead.
Bald guy kills at least 3 Russian presidents
Bald guys tries to imitate Christian Bale as Batman with "angry voice."
Bald guy gives angry eyes.
Bald guy again turns down attractive hooker.
Bald guys kills a bunch of other bald guys.
Nobody is noticing all these bald guys??
More angry eyes.
CIA makes a cameo.
Movie can't end fast enough.
The end.

Gotta go...Deadwood is on.


Anonymous said...

I can not and will not believe that you didn't like Hitman. It is one of my all time favorite movies!

Hot Russian broad: "...But I don't even know your name."

Baldy: "The place where I grew up the didn't give us names. They gave us numbers. Mine was 47."

Hot Russian Broad: "That explains alot."

What is not to like about this movie? It is right up there with What Dreams May Come.

You Know Who

Brownie said...

Yeah, but he was TOTALLY HOT in "Go." Maybe you can regain the 93 minutes there? Although, it also didn't get the "best" reviews...AND it co-stars Katie Holmes. And Sarah Polley...wait. Does her awesomeness cancel both of the afore mentioned out? Gotta go, Dawn of the Dead is on. :)

Anonymous said...

You can recapture your time by watching Buckaroo Banzai: Adventures Across the Eighth Demension. I know it sounds corny, but it's freak'n hilarious. I mean drop dead funny. Rent it today, and if you can't find it for rent, then just buy it. You won't regret it.

Stephanie M said...

He owes me 124 minutes for Catch and Release. Hopefully I'll get to him first!

The Hypocritical One said...

@Anon--What dreams may come ranks up there with "The Cell" as one of the all-time stinkers. You're dead.

@Brownie--What about Scott Wolf?? I miss him already...where's he been?

@Anon--Is buckaroo banzai the 2nd installment of Remo Williams?

@Steph--Catcha and Release?? I'll put it on my netflix queue right now---right after Buckaroo banzai.

MeatWad said...

Russian Chick alone was worth it. This show rocked....and the ending, rock solid. If I recall, there hasn't been a single movie you've liked in the last 10 years though. New Batman doesn't count.

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