Saturday, July 12, 2008

Things I never told anyone....

Dear “group of guys that all worked for the technical recruiting office that used to come into my restaurant weekly when I was a bartender there,"

It’s true, I short-poured alcohol in your drinks most of the time.

Why would I do this? You rightly paid for those drinks? True…and you got a drink…just not exactly how you wanted it.

Let’s rewind:

I was going to school for engineering, and working 30-35 hours a week at the restaurant. I made exactly $2.13 an hour + tips. This last word is key…I didn’t make any money without your gracious financial assistance. (note to all you “tip-haters” out there…I didn’t make this “social rule” up…I just benefited from it. I don’t want any “why don’t you just include the tip in the price” comments---because then I'd make it 30%)
Generally you filled up most of my bar eating appetizers and ordering a drink that you all thought you “created.” (Morgan’s and coke with a half-shot of house rum—genius…amazing…call Guinness)
You were a fairly fun bunch of fellows…we’d talk sports and jobs and other stuff. I was prompt and gave excellent service. I realize that you’d prefer to have one of the female bartenders, but some nights, I’m the lot you drew.

Payin time” would come….I know, $175 bucks is a lot of money for booze and bloomin’ onions. I didn't twist your arms to get 4 drinks each.
At first, I thought the 7 dollar tip was a joke. You must have forgotten the other $20. But on the 2nd and 3rd time??? Come to find out that it didn't matter if you had a female bartender…they said you’d still give the same.

Each time you walked through the door, my cheery disposition would fade. Over time we talked less…and you had to look at my flat butt instead of the female bar-help. And then I decided to do it---short-pour. Why?? I don’t know…call it petty…call it revenge.

Why didn’t you catch on??

Simple…I’m diabolical.

You don’t work in a state known for its cryptic liquor laws (Utah) and not learn a few tricks.

Watch and learn:
Step 1: Take rocks glass and fill with ice so that glass is OVERFLOWING.
Step 2: Take coke “gun” and Morgan’s and pour in simultaneously. Short pour Morgan’s.
Step 3: Take house rum and pour the slightest amount DIRECTLY into little red stirring straw.
Step 4: Serve.
Step 5: Watch as you do not use stirring straw, but directly take a sip from the drink which has a small amount of liquor in the straw.
Step 6: Take complements on how “strong” I made your drinks.
Step 7: Watch as drink is gone within 2 minutes. (due to exorbitant amount of ice)

You see, by adding insane amounts of ice, I limited the amount of coke/rum mixture, thus giving the impression that the drink was more powerful than it actually was. Did you think that you were getting 1 and ½ ounces of liquor? Did you get 1 and ½ ounces of liquor? No way.

And yet I kept collecting my 7 dollar tips.
And felt a little better about doing so.


Drowsey Monkey said...

You are diabolical! lol

Chat Blanc (aka Sandy) said...

I frickin' LOVE it! So simple and yet spectacular! :)

Meg said...

This is why I drink beer!

Dan da Man said...

You only felt a little better?

The Nemesing One said...

Holy hell, you're better than the Beatles. Where are you so I can throw my 4x panties at you.

Jen said...

That is great! Number one rule in my world is take care of your bartender and they will take care of you. Don't mess with the rum!

Stephanie M said...

don't blame you a bit - they deserved it. I grew up in UT (St.G.), and know exactly which laws ye be referring to. ;)

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