Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Things I never told anyone--visual molestation

I don’t go to any doctor very often…I generally feel that they just want to give medication and move on to the next patient. A few years ago, I had a couple moles (one on my back, and the other on my leg) that seemed to be a little “large” for normal skin freckles. I was a lifeguard for a few years as a teenager and soaked up the sun every day---so I’m generally pretty careful about skin problems.
I called a few Dermatologists on my “preferred provider list” covered under my insurance. Most were full for the next 6 months…but I finally found one that had an opening fairly quickly. (I should have known this as a sign of things to come)

I showed up to the appointment on a break from work. I have had a mole cut off in the past, so I know it’s a fairly quick, painless process. The first alarm should have been the lack of a computer in the facility. Everything was done on paper. My attention was diverted from this by the 1970’s feel of this office. VERY old copies of “Field and Stream” littered the table next to faded pamphlets of how to overcome acne with a girl on the cover that looked to be straight from an episode of “Silver Spoons.” The walls were faded yellow and had what appeared to be mold seeping in from every ceiling panel.

I wasn’t going to leave…I hated the whole process of the doctor, and didn't want to start all over, so I decided to stick it out. As there was only 1 or 2 rooms for patients, I had to wait for a little while. While waiting, I noticed a lady who was no younger than Mark Twain exit a room in tears…another bad sign?? Who knows?

My time had come, and I entered the room. The dermatologist looked exactly like Dick Bavetta with glasses. It was eerie, and I wondered in what century he had studied medicine.

His first instruction was to strip down to my underwear. I had kind of prepared myself for this. I couldn’t wear shorts as I was on a break for work, and I knew that I couldn’t pull my pant leg up high enough to cut the mole off. He left the room, and I stripped down to my skivvies, and awaited his return.

He entered without cutting tools or syringes to remove the moles. Instead, he said he wanted to “inspect for any other problem moles.” I was kind of apprehensive, but didn't know what to do as I don’t react well in awkward situations. I was confused...like asking a girl to dance and getting rejected---what do I do now?? How do I get out of this situation...do I just walk away?? I stood my ground and waited for the unholy terror that was about to begin. He proceeded to rip his fingers through my hair looking at my scalp. I felt like a chimpanzee getting groomed by another monkey.

He then had me stand up as he stood back to get a better view. He had me “twirl” a little bit so he could see my back. He had me lift my arms to get a view of my pits. He poked and prodded with his plastic glove-hands at any bump or freckle. I was feeling very anxious and was glad that he was almost finished with his “inspection.”

But finished he was not--the un-thinkable happened. He asked me to remove my underwear. I froze…I didn’t know what to do or think. Everything in my body said to run out of the room…but my “rational self” said that he was only looking out for my health and had the best intentions. Plus I'd need my wallet for my co-pay.

Not since gym class in high school have I felt more embarrassed standing naked in front of another person. (I was a late bloomer…and remember the day in 9th grade when I proudly strutted into the showers with my meager attempt at pubic hair) And then things got 100 times worse. He went to the corner and grabbed a spot-light. He turned the thing on, and I felt like a murderer being shaken down by Vincent D’Onofrio.

And then the inevitable happened…I started sweating. Sweat pouring out of my armpits, from my brow, my chest and back. Every pore of my body began to react violently to this "fight or flight" situation. Sweat in droves, drips, and puddles. It couldn't have been a pretty picture...standing naked under a spot-light…dripping wet with persperation.

But the worst was yet to come. He wanted to look for any possible moles or skin problems everywhere……EVERYWHERE…..I was like a dog under inspection at "best in show."
I think you get the gist of this part of the “examination”--needless to say, going "spread eagle" under a spot-light is not becoming…so we’ll skip this horribly embarrassing part, and move to the end.....note---there was no “touching.”

His “inspection” finally finished, at which time I was able to put my skivvies back on. He wanted me to lay on my side with my back to him while he cut my moles off. I lost 8 pounds of sweat laying on that table in my underwear while he cut off my moles. He left the room so I could clothe. I got up from the table, and noticed that sweat had puddled on the table like Texas in a rain-storm. I grabbed a small towel and wiped it up. Later I wondered...why would I be embarrased about that?? I had just been through one of the most traumatic experiences of my life...and I was embarrased of a few sweat puddles?

I know…he was just doing his job…and probably doing it well. But mark my words—I’ll hack off a huge chunk of skin myself to remove a mole before I ever go back to a dermatologist.

Note—this is not meant to poke fun at anyone that has ever had an experience where they have been assaulted sexually, or to make light of molestation in general.
This account is 100% true….no truth was “stretched” for humor purposes.


Captain Mary said...

Boy I know how you feel, try going to my doctor, the yearly female violation, grabbing your boobs and putting metal things inside so they can collect samples, and they always tell you to relax. What a joke, I feel for you.

The Nemesing One said...

HypOne, maybe if you weren't so damn good looking, this sort of thing wouldn't happen to you. It certainly doesn't happen to me. I went in for a prostate exam and the doctor spent 10 minutes explaining to me what I should look for when I perform it on myself. When I obviously wasn't "getting it" he finally said "Look, I'll give you $20 if you don't make me do this."

leigh said...

what mary said.

Chat Blanc (aka Sandy) said...

any doctor visit that includes cutting something off is never good! yikes!

Meg said...

That spread eagle thing, you'd get to use it if you were a woman.

Well, maybe not. But from now on, wear sunscreen.

Brownie said...

It has actually been a long time since I have been in a room by myself and laughed at loud. Funny stuff! (No offense, I mean, I'm sorry you had to go through that, but MAN, that was funny!)

Dan da Man said...

Thats why i burn off all my moles well freckles i dont let them become moles thats what happens right Yeah i am sure of it right?

Stephanie M said...

You should be a motivational speaker on the circuit going around to schools talking to kids about sun protection??? I'D be convinced!! There's always a silver lining, isn't there?

The Hypocritical One said...

@Mary--Ok..Ok..I realize women have it much rougher than men at the doctor...I can't compete.

@NOne--Did you tell the doctor that you "perform it on yourself" daily?

@Leigh--You win.

@Sandy--I never thought of it that way...and my back was turned away from him while he had a scalpel in his hand...that could have been scary.

@Meg--The only time I've done a spread eagle before this was while I was snow skiing...and it wasn't intentional.

@Brownie--Thank you...the embarrasment should be shared with all--although I think people I actually know may read this.

@Dan--they need to keep all sharp object away from you.

@Stephanie--Is it a paying gig?

just a girl... said...

"Puddled on the table like Texas in a rain-storm"

Classic. Love your Blog.

Alice said...

Maybe you just need to be extra creepy to be a dermatologist. I had one that I'll never go back to again too. Nuckin' Futs.

Dan da Man said...

My tongue itches oh wait I found my butchers knife so its all good

Rickey Henderson said...

Speaking as someone who has had a whole helluva lot of moles removed (damned over aggressive doctors) Rickey can definitely say he feels for ya. Shit sucks.

Major Undeclared said...

Can you imagine what he did to that poor old woman to make her cry?

Alex L said...

One wonders why he left the room while you were getting undressed, if he was going to go as far as 'investigating your crevass'. Surely that part would have been far more embarassing than nuding up. But one doesnt question a doctor do they.

Drowsey Monkey said...

lol @ best in show ... ahahahaha

Too funny. But ya know none of the women are really gonna feel bad for ya right? But hey, horrors are horrors...you can't really compare, lol.

Sully Sullivan said...

Thanks for stopping by my blog.

I'm uncertain as to why a dermatologist would ever need to have a woman spread eagle under a spotlight. I'm not saying he's a pervert, I'm just saying...yeah...he's a pervert. I've never been to a dermatologist so maybe I'm just being an idiot, but it doesn't really make sense.

What does make sense is the correlation between him having an opening so quickly, no money to upgrade his office, and no computers or recent magazines; and you being spread eagle under a spotlight for a mole inspection.

Isn't America the land of suing the shit out of people? Do it. Do it.

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