Monday, July 7, 2008

Santa doesn't bring puppies

My kids want a dog. Well...that's not entirely correct. I've always told them they can't have a dog--so they say that they want a puppy--because it's different than a dog.
I need to figure out how to nip this in the bud. My oldest is the ring-leader. They say if you take down the leader, the troops will go down without a fight. So I'm focusing on her.
We've tried to give the "normal" excuses why we shouldn't own a dog:
They aren't old enough to take care of it.
We're out of town too much.
We don't have a fence yet.

While those are all true reasons why I don't want a dog, there is a deeper underlying feeling--I HATE THEM!!

I owned a dog when I was in my teen years. He was an Australian shepherd, and I loved him. I thought he was a great dog. This is not the truth. He was not a great dog.

He barfed everywhere.
He chewed up everything in the house.
He still randomly peed and pooped in the house.
He went into neighbors yards, and left "phantom nuggets" for them to find the next time they mowed their lawn.
He barked at very inconvenient hours.
He shed all over.
He'd get sprayed by a skunk, and then needed to be cleaned.

In fact, we had a neighbor who called me over one day, and had me pick up all the dog crap in his lawn. No problem. He then yelled at me and said we had to get rid of the dog. Fairly scary as a young boy.
Our dog was intentionally disobedient, especially when it came to running away. The instant the outside door was opened, he was gone. You could call and whistle, but he obviously had better things to do. Could/Should we have sent him to "obedience training?" Why I suppose so. Nothing like dropping multiple hundreds of dollars on that. (thousands?)
Well, after multiple trips to the "pound" to get our dog from the dog catcher....and multiple tickets and fines, we sent him to a farmer a few hours away. It was traumatic for me and another reason why I don't want a dog. No dogs live more than 10-15 years, and then you have the decision of a 1400 dollar vet bill, or to put it down. This is an easy decision for me, but have fun telling your kids that you put the dog down because you didn't want to fix the broken hip.

I've had friends who consider their dogs to be their "children." In fact, they went as far as to say that children were harder to care for. This also came from people who never had kids of their own, so they had no reference.
This is like me saying that I'd much prefer my Mazda over a Lexxus because it's dependable, and a myriad of other reasons that are ludicrous. A Lexxus is just better, but I've never owned I hang to my silly pride that my Mazda is better.

Let's recap---A dog will:
Love you and respond to you.
Let you play with it.
Pet it.
(note--purchase this, and you can get the same things as above, and may also learn something)

And it will also:
Pee on your shoes.
Chew on your toothbrush.
Get hair all over the couch.
Wake you up to pee at 3:30 AM.
Irritate every neighbor within barking distance.
---In fact, I'd like to address this. I hear your dog. It barks all the time. Can't you hear your dog?? Why don't you let it in so everyone in the neighborhood can get some peace and quiet? You may think it's not that bad....that it's the day-time, and it's not hurting anybody. You know why you don't think it's not too bad?? Because you're at work, and nobody's home---which is why your damn dog is outside barking all day while Bill down the street who works nights is as close to animal cruelty as a human being can get.---
Bite the neighbor kids.
Ruin your home.
----Yes a dog will ruin your home. Any sane individual with 5 senses can tell the difference between a "dog owner's home" and one that does not have a dog. No Dyson can clean up all that hair. Have fun patching drywall where your dog scratches to go out. I didn't make the largest investment in my life only to have it ruined by a hairy animal. (besides me)---
Those yellow spots in my grass aren't spilled gasoline---they are from your stupid dog.
And of the top 10 worst things on this planet is when you step in dog poo. No amount of stick cleaning, and grass wiping will get that stinky smell off your shoes.

So, if I keep getting the push from my daughter for a dog...I may have to tell her the truth. That I hate dogs.


These people like puppies. You should go there for more rational thought.


Major Undeclared said...

I once told my friends that my parents "took my dog to live on a farm." and they just mocked me and told me that my dog was dead and that my parents told me that so I wouldn't cry. Even though I remember visiting the dog on the farm, I can't help but think my friends are right. I cry for that dog still.

damon said...

I don't have pets either.
I told my kids that as soon as they invent a dog that doesn't bark and crap, I'll take 2.

Captain Mary said...

Boy do I know how you feel, you heard about my zoo and I have 5 grandchildren around to make it even more crazy. Your post is so true it hits home hard. Great laugh. Thanks.

The Hypocritical One said...

Nothing says "I love dogs" more than a jacket covered in hair.

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