Monday, July 14, 2008

It brat me to my knees

After gorging myself the other night with a stadium bratwurst, Doritos, and Sodey pop, I felt a little "sluggish." I also was sealing some concrete in my basement. Couple the "contact high" from the sealer, and the patented "pop" of grease when you bite into a bratwurst, and I was feeling a little queasy.


I went to my favorite calorie counter web-site, and looked up the nutritional information for this juicy stick of pork grease. I was even more sick after this. I'd just ingested 250 calories from the brat, and a whopping 200 of them were from fat!! As can be seen below in the pie chart from the web-site, (red is fat) fat is by far the main ingredient in the brat.

Green corresponds to tire rubber, and blue is the FDA allowable allotment of "rat parts."

I understand I wasn't eating salmon and legumes, or a Veggie Delite from Subway...but 80% from fat? It's like they trimmed off all the fat from bacon to make the brats. But isn't bacon like pure fat?? Exactly.

The calorie website also told me that to burn off these calories, I would need to do the following: (I did feel the burn, although Tums quickly fixed that)


66 minutes of walking. (this will take me 16 days at my present rate of walking to the restroom and back from my cubicle)


27 minutes of jogging. (I generally jog from the car to the house when it rains, so at this rate, it will take me 3 years)


20 minutes of swimming. (The coast guard has declared my chest a "reflective hazard" that is dangerous to oceanic crafts when placed in the sun...so unless I hit the tanning booth, this will take me upwards of 10 years to complete)


36 minutes of cycling. (Cycling?? Huh?? Is this the same thing as "spinning?" I wonder if I were to win a free year at Golds Gym if I would consider it a blessing or a curse.)


Oddly enough, they didn't say you could stick your finger down your throat and "burn" the calories in 30 seconds.

So, at best, this brat will take 16 days to burn off...at worst, 35 years. We'll compromise and say 15 years...so that bubbly stick of pig fat will take 15 years to burn at my current rate. This is the reason that every time I look in the mirror, I see this:


I only wish I had a belt as cool as this. They call him "wind in his bellybutton hair."



My wife disagrees in my self-assessment, but then I suppose that's one of the reasons why I married her.

One good thing--I will be out of town this next week for my 10 year anniversary. I have done the calculations, and after walking to get an apple churro in disneyland, running away from hoodlums at magic mountain, eating 2 hot dogs at anaheim stadium, and taking 2 tylenol PM's for the showing of Wicked the musical, I will have worked off the 1 bratwurst I just ate. Take that Jared from Subway.

8 comments:

The Nemesing One said...

In England, they have these things called Battered Sausages. Basically they take your brawt and then batter it and deep fat fry it. It's so good with Mayo!!!!

Dan da Man said...

Thats to much thinking about food id rather just be fat

Meg said...

Not to be redundant or anything, but beer has no fat--nada--zilch!

The Hypocritical One said...

battered sausages? I've heard of fried oreos. Is there anything bad that is cooked in deep fat?

It's one of the worlds modern mysteries that a substance with no fat can have an entire body part named after it. (beer belly)

MissMP said...

Thanks. I don't think I will ever eat another brat again.

MeatWad said...

Do you know what Chris Farley, John Candy, and Dom DeLuise all had in common? They all loved Brats. ...oh, and they are all dead in oversized tombs. I wonder if your big fat belly guts will crush your lungs first, or if coagulated pork lard will lodge itself in that pinhole you call an artery.

sinisterdan said...

sausage = technology
technology = progress
progress = a better tomorrow

therefore

eat, and call your cardiologist later.

Formerly Fun said...

You're a man dammit, you shouldn't have a favorite calorie counter web-site.

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