Friday, July 25, 2008

Banana Hammocks out in full force

On my recent vacation, my wife and I decided to enjoy the relaxing sounds of the surf, and the warm sand between our toes.
Instead, we got pregnant women in bikini’s, overweight hairy men (besides me) catching a few rays, and under-age girls trying to entice every male within sight by wearing bathing suits no larger than dinner napkins. It was loads of fun.

We visited a beach in the Laguna area…it was beautiful with a large surf, and people swimming, skimming, and surfing. It was picturesque.

We took a little walk down the beach to check out some waves crashing into some large rocks at the point. We traversed the rocks onto another large sandy beach cove. There was volleyball, skimming, and a little body-surfing. In addition, it appeared we had rolled onto a “muscle beach.” There were many guys who were absolutely ripped. I mentioned to my wife, that if it cost less than 5 grand, I’d have my body surgically altered to look like them.

The volleyball players were great.
Everyone was tan.
Everybody was helping each other in and out of the water.
People helped each other by applying sun-screen liberally on each other.
The banana hammocks were out in full force.
These were all men.

BOOM….how did I not notice this before--it was like finding out that Bruce Willis was really a Ghost at the end of the “Sixth Sense.”

I suddenly realized that the 3 scantily-clad guys taking pictures of each other posing on the rocks just moments before were probably not doing so for Facebook accounts.

We had stumbled onto a gay beach. Perhaps not a “designated” gay beach, but obviously a meeting-place for the Y-chromosome inclined. Being from a small conservative western town, the only exposure I have to gay people is the black female cop from "The Wire," Terry (on rollerskates) from "Reno 911," and George Michael. (perhaps he is just "multi-sexual") So this gathering of Mario Lopez look-a-likes was like seeing a live armadillo for the first time--a new experience.
I mean...it's legal there...so it shouldn't have struck me as odd.

I’d like to point out that there’s a distinction between “porn-star” gays and “regular” gays. Basically, “regular” gays look just like you and me—and sometimes worse. “Porn-star” gays are probably why the same sex took a second look. The guys at this sausage-fest were definitely “porn-star” gays.

My wife and I decided to head back to our first beach where we could have a clear view of the 8-month pregnant lady in the bikini, and the foreigner in tight purple shorts trying to outrun each on-coming wave onto the shore while singing Edelweiss.
Going to the beach makes me feel a little more "normal."


Note—The author is not trying to discriminate in any way whom one chooses to live, shower, or share razors with. In fact, the author speaks “tongue-in-cheek” most of the time. He does prefer “tongue-in-cheek” with women though.

Note2—The author lived a very sheltered life. In elementary school when someone referred to gay men, he thought it was funny to poke both pointy fingers into each other, and say “I don’t get it.” When the author finally did get it, he didn’t make finger jokes anymore. They suddenly seemed un-funny.

Note3—If the author was “a gay,” he would be a “regular” gay….for multiple reasons.


As an added bonus, you get a rare picture of me looking at the group of rocks where the 3 men were taking seductive pictures of one another. Note my flapping man boobs in the wind.

13 comments:

The Nemesing One said...

Nice picture of you. Gut hanging out over your shorts, hair graying, bald spot on top of your head getting pinker and bigger. Oh wait, none of that is true. You still look like you're 18. I don't know if I want to kick you or use you as "mental imagery" next time I need to...well you know.

Major Undeclared said...

Bruce Willis was a ghost in the Sixth Sense? oh great! I was just about to watch that movie. Thanks for ruining my life.

Chat Blanc (aka Sandy) said...

what??? I thought this post would be about YOU wearing a banana hammock. sheesh.

The Hypocritical One said...

@NO--I just tell it like it is---I know what I see when I look in the mirror.

@Major--If I didn't know you personally adored Shamalayan, I would be sorry.

@Chat--That image would make it onto rotten.com.

Da Old Man said...

I'm sorry you had to endure the close encounter with porn star gay guys.
(Not that there's anything wrong with that)

damon said...

Never, ever, go over the rocks. There is never anything good on the other side of the rocks. That's why there's rocks there.
DUH.

muskrat said...

i was hoping this post would go in a different direction. oh well, no sod here. not today anyway.

MeatWad said...

Just because I put suntan lotion on a buddy, take pictures of him flexing, measure his biceps with a tape, and go on long walks/runs with him almost every night doesn't make me gay. Those were just normal dudes enjoying the sun. BTW, you are a handsome man.

The Hypocritical One said...

@Old man--They are everything I want to be. (except the fact that they enjoy male companionship)

@damon--I thought with my wife I was safe from harm.

@muskrat--we are sod-free

@meatwad--It's not like you spend more time with that buddy than your family. How are your arms measuring these days?

Rickey Henderson said...

heh... a "regular" gay? as opposed to what, a terrifyingly irregular gay?

SourHumor.com said...

Hey guys check out SourHumor.com

Skip DeKades said...

Uh oh -- are us straight guys allowed to wear banana hammocks, or should I put mine away?

AoE said...

Was that you staring at me when I was getting my picture taken? I just thought is was some guy that recognized me from my films. Just let me know if you want a signed copy of the 2009 Sausage-of-the-Month calendar.

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