Tuesday, June 24, 2008

A men's guide to minor bathroom penalties

If you've ever watched hockey, when a skater breaks the rules, they are either called with a "major" or "minor" penalty based on what they've done to break the rules. Equivalently, there are "major" and "minor" rules to male bathroom etiquette. Any of the following items should be followed verbatim. Today we will go over the "minor" bathroom penalties. (Part 2 of this installment can be read here) Females may not wish to read on, as this affirms how disgusting men can be when they think they are alone or in the company of like-minded individuals. What they don't understand is that there are many men who wish to have 3 public bathrooms---Men, Women, Clean Men.

MINOR public bathroom rules:

-It is common courtesy to time large bowel explosions with a flush. If this flush will cause a soaking of the backside, then please execute a 60 degree "half-stand" to let the Niagara falls water rush to pass.

-The above rule also corresponds to stench. If your waste smells like any of the following, you should give the courtesy flush: Road-kill, 3-week old carcass, broccoli mixed with peanut butter, Mexican food left out in the sun for a couple days.

-You should never occupy a urinal or stall that is directly next to another occupied urinal/stall. If there is no choice, you choose the stall that is closest to the wall as you will only have 1 neighbor. If the only non-neighboring urinal is the "short-boy," you should man up and crouch down.

-Please use paper towels when exiting the bathroom on the door handle. This should be proceeded by hand washing. (which will be covered in the next segment of this series)

-Do not brush your teeth in the public bathroom sinks. You are the one getting hurt as we have already discussed (in a previous post) that anything you smell are actually small molecules of the actual matter. It's called Crest Whitening...not Crest Browning.

-You have 60 seconds to execute on a urinal if people are waiting. If you do not execute, perform the "fake-shake" and head to the sinks.

-Any form of electronics which involves speaking or noise should not be used. The only exception is a small cell phone for playing games or text messaging. And then your phone should be wiped down with cleanser periodically.

-A seat cover should be used in a stall at all times. This protects from any stray fallout for future participants.

-There is to be no talking/whistling/singing while at a urinal. A work discussion that has been carried from the hall into the bathroom should be placed on temporary hold until both participants can exit the restroom. Bordering on a major penalty is if you carry a conversation with a 3rd uninvolved party in between both participants.

-Please throw your newspaper away after reading in the stall. There is no need to tempt others to picking it up and starting the germ chain on page 6.

I would also like to include some of my "tricks of the trade." These will help in your bathroom experience.
-Never make hand-to-solid surface contact. When entering a stall, use your elbow to close the lock. Grab some toilet paper (not the end that someone may have touched) and wipe down the seat while being careful not to touch anything. Grab a seat cover and lay it down without making contact. When finished, flush toilet with foot. Use earlier elbow to open stall. Pre-dispense the paper towels by touching your first solid surface. Get soap, wash, and then grabbed pre-dispensed paper towels with clean hands. Dry, then exit bathroom using paper towels as a shield to any solid surfaces. Leave bathroom and go back to desk where hand sanitizer is waiting on any peripheral germs that may have floated on you.
-Go home and use your personal toilet.


Captain Mary said...

O.K. now tell me what to do, when I piss myself after reading your post. That was great!!!!!!!!!Hey thanks for clicking

The Hypocritical One said...

Whatever you do, don't try to dry it with the hand blow dryers located in many public restrooms. Even if it's water...someone will walk in, and you're the new office pervert as they see you standing there blowing air on your crotch.

Anonymous said...

Haha...I love this Post!! It is so true about the newspaper thing.

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