Thursday, June 26, 2008

A men's guide to major bathroom penalties

There are things that men do, or don't do in this life, that would make the average woman retch in disgust. Deep down, men are gross, dirty and far far too hairy. (I'd like to ask God why he made men so hairy...it's a question I've pondered many times as I wonder how the sun penetrates the beaver pelt covering my body)
Probably the most disgusting things that men are involved in, take place in the men's restroom. In this, our 2nd of a 2-part series, (the first and less disgusting part of the series can be viewed here) I will discuss the "major" penalties, or rules that men should follow. This is not a complete list, as the grossness of men is ever-increasing. There is a good chance you may not wish to read on to these disgusting details. But it needs to be said--be warned.

MAJOR public bathroom rules:

-Under no circumstances should you leave the bathroom without washing your hands. Even if you just went in to check your hair, blow your nose, etc...you do not want to be labeled a NHW (non-hand washer) nor do you want to touch "private-parts doorknobs." Please read a past post describing the details of washing hands.

-There is never a need to pick or farmer blow your nose while sitting down in a stall or standing at a urinal. It is amazing to me that a stall has boogers on it, while the toilet paper is literally 8 inches away. Grab the toilet paper and blow your nose!

-Take care of the hair. You'd think that some men go up to toilets and just pull pubic hair out in tufts and leave it on the seats and urinals to mark their territory. I don't care how you do it, just stop!

-Don't pee on the floor. We've discussed how urinating at a public urinal can be an exercise--especially when there is a pool of pee on the floor and you have to spread your legs 3 feet apart in order not to step in it. Just once I would like to walk in and see someone doing this, because it has to a dude literally peeing directly on the floor. I would give them a forearm shiver, and throw them into their own refuse.

-What's it worth to ya? Think of all your worldly possessions...now think of them falling into a public toilet. How much is it worth to reach your paw down into the water and grab it? Would you grab your cell phone? How about a 100 dollar bill? Your dentures? You need to be prepared for this in advance so you can make the decision to grab or flush should the moment arise.

-Spit?? It's like someone is intentionally thinking of the most disgusting things ever. Let's hawk a big loogie (it's a word--check the urban dictionary) onto the floor while they're sitting on the pot. HUH?!! You can't wait 2 minutes to spit into the toilet when you're all finished? It's just amazing.

-The culmination of all things disgusting is what we'll title the "Albert Einstein." This is where something from another planet looks like they sprayed brown silly goo all over the insides and outsides of the toilet. I'm not going to go into too much detail (did I already...tee hee) but I've seen it first hand. The reason for the title "Einstein" is that all laws of physics have been defied in this display. How is it even possible to get poo on underside of the TOP LID when you're pointing down??? Let's go over a worst-case scenario here--You had bad Mexican, and somehow pull an Albert Einstein. At the very least, you take a HUGE handful of toilet paper and make it possible for someone to use the toilet after you. If this won't work, please call the person in charge of cleaning the toilets and blame it on someone else. "Um...I just went in there...and it was already like that." And then leave a 20 dollar bill on the toilet paper dispenser, because that's the least you can do for that poor sap cleaning up your mess.

5 comments:

Harrybear said...

Albert Einstein great man

if you add the possible velocity of the poo with the possible splash back along with the consistency of the poo + the poo + water mixture= sludge equation its definitely possible

nice article

David Appelman said...

HAHAHAHAHA so much about poo this is a hillarious blog....I dig I dig. Pooping can be rather tedious and expensive

Landy G. said...

haha...thats a funny post

The Hypocritical One said...

Hmm...I'll need to re-think my equations. With Einstein...anything is possible. I think I was inspired.

Thanks for the comments.

The Nemesing One said...

Poo Poo talk totally Rocks! You rock. Keep it up!

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