Saturday, May 31, 2008

Chickens don't clap...

Yet again...I am late to the game with something. My brother gave me the DVDs of Arrested Development. The humor is right up my alley...why did it take so long for me to get into this? Oh yeah...the series was cancelled also.
I guess I did get into the Wire before that series ended, albeit after season 4. (my favorite show of all-time)
If we had television or the Internet in this town, I may have known about these things.
Michael's brother Gob (George) is so stinking funny in this's a lazy man youtube clip.

Friday, May 30, 2008

Whatcha gonna do when they come for you???

This post is to memorialize some of the best acting that has ever taken place in the world today. I'm not talking Pacino, Gable, or Jim Varney. I'm talking about the art of the "flop" in the NBA. They have their past legends---Vlade Divac, Reggie Miller, and Dennis Rodman. But there is a new breed that has taken the NBA by storm.
The sheer acrobatic ability of these men is amazing. To time when a player is roughly 6 feet from you...and then to imitate a shotgun blast to the face is pure talent.

I say memorialize because the NBA has put the players on notice that this will not be tolerated next season. I wonder how this will affect the lives of some of the greatest (floppers) in the game today::
Raja Bell, Derek Fisher, Matt Harpring, Anderson Verajao, Kobe Bryant....and the king of them all--Manu Ginobili.
Well...per normal NBA referee policy, the amount of flop calls will be inversely proportionate to the number of jersey sales you had last season. Think Kobe will ever get called? Yeah right.
So as we bid adieu to the flop, let's fondly remember the originator of this lost art.

And you can't show pictures of old Lakers with showing the greatest Laker ever to suit up.

Thursday, May 29, 2008

Nothing to see here...

I'm so sick of tv election coverage. Do we really need to know that a candidate has acid reflux...and how devastating this may be to his/her campaign?
Why does the Democratic party want Clinton to quit so bad? I'm not a Clinton supporter, but if she wants to fund her campaign until the end of time, then let her. It's not like she's getting Ron Paul-esque numbers. She's still a popular candidate.
It's fairly obvious that Obama will get the nomination, and I think he'll jump to a double-digit lead in the polls over Mccain after this. The Clinton voters will get over their anger in their candidate being gone, and support Obama. But if the Democrats really want to take the white house, then the "super"-delegates should force Obama to take Hilary as his VP. I bet you'd see a 20 point victory in the fall over Mccain if that were to happen.
In other news, Crest White-strips has pulled John Mccain from their advertising campaign, citing a "difference in opinion."

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Drive through scams....

Who doesn't like the concept of a drive-through to get food? A guy totally invented this concept. You can wear scooby doo boxers, pink flip flops, and a casual-dress polo up top, and nobody is the wiser when you pull up to get your food.
I mean think about it...if a place has a drive-through, and an equivalent eatery does's a no-brainer which one you're going to choose.
Well, the mega-billion dollar companies know this also. This is why they have comprised the biggest scam since Ron Popeil took the world by storm many years ago.
I don't know about you...but roughly 42% of the time that I order something in a drive-through, my order is either wrong or incomplete. Was it a mistake? Not likely. I contend that 1 in every 13 to-go orders are mandated to be prepared incorrectly or be incomplete. "Why would they do this", you may ask. It's quite simple...the vast majority of people will either:
A: Notice that they were shorted as they pull away. Ex. You feel the massiveness of the 5 for 5.95 roast beef sandwiches in the bag....but as you look inside, notice only 4 sandwiches, and 14 packets of Arby's sauce.
B: Get home and notice that something is missing. Ex. Your Big Mac only has 1 patty. You place a layer of mayonnaise where the other patty should be to compensate.
C: Will not pull away from the window until they have itemized everything in the bag twice, and then request extra fry sauce and a diet Pepsi with LIGHT ICE. All the while, the guy behind you has 4 minutes to make it to work and just wants his 2 apple pies for a dollar. Give the guy a break and pull forward.
Not many people fall into category C, and the food industry knows this. Even more egregious is the "repeat rule." This is where your license plate has been marked in the store as someone who has been scammed in the past. The odds of you getting an incorrect order under this scenario jumps to 1 in 4. I can personally testify that this is a true scenario. Arby's has gotten my order correct roughly 13% of the time.
So why would they want to irritate their customers? Well...odds are that you won't remember the bad experience as the "Baconator" is staring you in the face. Am I right?
Plus, let's do some simple math. Let's say that McDonalds saves 25 cents per every customer that they short on patties/burgers/drinks/etc. A quick Google search shows that 47 million customers go every day. (worldwide) I'd guess 50% of them in the drive through instead of going in.
So--23.5 millions customers.....1 in 13 get ripped off.....25 cents per customer....carry the 4....take the numerator....hold the remainder......I get over 450,000 dollars PER DAY that McDonalds saves...and that is only 1 restaurant. 164 million dollars A YEAR!!!!! Screw $3.79 for gas...I want my last mcnugget!!!

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Say it with a Sign....

I've never understood personalized license plates. OK...well maybe I can in a few cases--Single testosterone-filled guys, real-estate agents, short people. Are people trying to send a message? Is there something that is so important, that you want every other driver on the road to know what it is? Well then....What is it??!! How many times have you passed a car and wondered....what does FFLLEF mean? What are they trying to say? If nobody understands what the message is....then is there really a point to having one at all?

Since I've lived in Idaho, I've seen A TON of personalized license plates. I think that the ratio of vanity plates increases with the size of the car. And because roughly 65% of Idaho residents drive trucks, the number of vanity plates here is enormous. Unfortunately, statistics are not on my side. A CNN article states that Virginia leads the nation in vanity plates. I still think that Idaho has to be on the high side if you take the ratio of vanity plates to people.

So I decided to visit the Idaho transportation department's web-site to see what plates were available. Unfortunately, redneck was taken. (big surprise there) But I did find other plates that I felt would be a good representation of the state. See below. (I will say, that each plate is reviewed and if the language is offensive, they will reject perhaps these plates have been attempted thousands of times, and been rejected every time)

For those of you who can't get enough of hilarious and interesting personalized license plates, hit this link, and read to your heart's content. And for the rest of us that are not self-absorbed, let's enjoy the rest of our day. (But wait...isn't a personal blog just a way of expressing how self-absorbed you actually are???? Perhaps that is why they call me....The Hypocritical One....)

Monday, May 26, 2008

Pop and Lock

Embedding Youtube videos is the lazy way to make a post. And since today is Memorial get a lazy post.
I think they call this "Pop and Lock." I always thought that's what my knees did when I ran. Oh well.
I don't watch this show in the clip...and never will. But I saw this clip'll see.

Friday, May 23, 2008

Flight of the Conchords

So my brother got me watching season one of the Flight of the Conchords. Two New Zealanders in a rock band who live in New York. It is hilariously funny, and the music videos on the show are great.
Yeah..Yeah..I'm a little late to the game with this show. Better late than never. Here's a clip of one of their funniest songs. (Humans are dead) Language may offend warned.

Thursday, May 22, 2008

Online Yard Sale

I'm not a big yard sale guy...never really stopped at one, and never had the inclination to hold one. My Grandma loves yard fact, most of my Christmas presents growing up came from one. I still remember fondly my "New Kids On the Block picture book" when I was 17. My better half pretty much feels the same as I do. It's far too much work and bother for to spend an entire Saturday for 78 bucks.

BUT---last summer there was an event called a "neighborhood yard sale." For the uninformed (which I was), this is where many of you and your neighbors each have a yard sale. Supposedly it brings more business from the yard saler shoppers, as they can hit many sales in one shot. (From now on, I'll refer to them as GOATS--Garage and Outdoor Aficionado Thrift Shoppers)
My wife thought it might be an easy way to get rid of a few items that we didn't use/need....and after much discussion, she talked me into it. I told her that I wasn't going to sit out there all day, and if someone wanted to "dicker" on the price, that she would have to take care of that.

From this experience I learned a few things about GOATS. They wake up at roughly 3:30AM in preparation of hitting the best sales 15 minutes before they actually open. This is in hopes of finding a new cat porcelain statue to add to their collection.
GOATS are never happy with the price displayed. I don't know why anyone puts a reasonable price on an item they are selling, because they will be offered roughly half the price every time. I'm convinced that you could put a hundred dollar bill for sale for 75 bucks!! You would then promptly be offered 40 dollars, or 50 dollars if you throw in the handful of stuff they've found in your sale.
GOATS have no shame. This is a true story, and very embarrassing to all involved. Last summer, on a Saturday (not neighborhood yard sale day), we were cleaning out our garage. Bikes, boxes, kids toys, lawn tools, etc. were all strewn haphazardly across the grass and driveway. As I was sweeping, a car stopped in front of our house. A lady came out of the car, and casually started opening boxes and going through all our items. I was so morbidly embarrassed, I went into the backyard to let my wife deal with the fallout. Needless to say, the lady was embarrassed, my wife was embarrassed...terrible. So, we decided to to clean up as fast as we this wouldn't happen again. Well---it did. Another car stopped shortly after. They at least had the decency to ask if we were having a yard sale before driving off sheepishly. (Or GOATishly)
Anyhow...after dickering with the GOATS on items such as "remix of 73 disco hits", baby clothes, and other useless items...I think we made under 50 dollars. That was completely not worth any of the effort I went through.
I now have the rule that I will not sell anything for under 50 dollars. It's not worth mine nor their time to complete the transaction.

But---I have been using an avenue for years that cuts out the GOATS. (I thought) Craigslist is one of the greatest inventions on the Internet today. I won't describe it in detail, but basically it's a free local classified ad web-site. It's awesome...especially in larger cities where many items are posted every day.
I've bought and sold on their for years. But recently, as more GOATS have gotten Internet's going south. It doesn't matter what I sell, or what I ask in the price--the person who comes to buy the item will always want to offer me roughly half what I'm asking---just to see if I'll take it. It's almost like Craigslist has turned into a hook-up site for GOATS. I sold a truck for a good price on Craigslist. I had multiple offers--sight unseen--the first day. Well, the guy who got there first was so upset when my wife wouldn't come down on the price. (I wasn't home from work yet) I almost kicked his GOAT-butt.

Will I have a yard sale again?? No. There are people who need my donations far more than I need 78 dollars and a GOAT headache. And we're still working on getting the internet and electricity hooked up in my town, so many here haven't discovered Craigslist yet.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008


I live in a smaller town. This means less stop-lights and more stop signs. I don't think people in my town understand what STOP almost seems to sub-consciously be telling their brains to STOP functioning.
I won't delve into the idiocracy of my towns-folk at 4-way stops, and instead focus on something that obviously wasn't taught in drivers education at the local schools--the 2-way stop.
As seen below, the 2-way stop has 2 stop signs, with the other 2 directions not stopping at all. The cars stopping at the signs must always yield to the perpendicular directions.
But...what if another car is at the stop sign directly across from you...what to do? There are a few types of drivers I consistently meet in these situations.

First are the lookie-loo's. They kind of look over at you to see if you'll go first, then look at the other lanes of traffic, and then look back at you, then look back again. I literally think that if 2 lookie-loo's were to meet at a 2-way stop, they'd be there for hours.

Next you have the "middle-aged wished he was back in high school football guy." It doesn't matter if this guy was at the intersection first. He's going to go first no matter what happens. And if you try to pull out in front of him, he'll honk, flip the bird, and call you all manner of obscenities. In reality, he's just pissed because he didn't want to be a loan agent at the credit union, and truly thinks that he could have made the NFL.

You may run across "Jeep Wagoneer lady." Many of you may not know what this is. In your larger, more developed cities, you may call them "soccer moms" or "mini-van moms." In my town, it seems that the vast majority of people hold on to the first car they purchased. You may have heard the 1979 Jeep Wagoneer was a beauty. I can tell you first-hand that it is not. Well, this driver does not comprehend or notice that there is another driver in the opposing lane. She may pull out at anytime and run right over the top of your Cutlass Supreme. You may wonder if she's on a cell phone, or texting, but as we are still a developing city, do not have access to such luxuries. Most likely you will see a McGriddle, or Sonic toaster sticks. The tell-tale smell of Maple syrup is the dead giveaway.

Lastly you have "hairnet lady." You've run across her many times. She's headed out to Smith's Food king to pick up more kitty litter. She's had her hair done at the salon the previous week, and is wearing that quasi-see-through hairnet to protect it from the elements. You can also spot her from behind as you'll notice towels over the back seat, and box of tissues in the rear window of the car. This driver will wave every other car in the intersection through as you sit behind her late for work. Be aware at all times for this driver....they may put the car into reverse at any time for no apparent reason.

What are the odds that you actually run across somebody that has any clue about "right of way?" Well, for the 14 people who will read this blog over the next 3 weeks, let's pray that this may be informative.

Simply put--Whomever arrives first, has the right of way. But you're going straight, while they are turning left....sorry...they arrived at the stop first, and have the right of way. What if you both arrive at the same time? Well, the person going straight or turning right has the right of way. What if you're both going straight? Then you both go at the same time, roll down your windows, high five as you pass, and both yell--"Stop...Hammertime" in unison.

Monday, May 19, 2008

See no evil, hear no evil, speak no....nevermind.

I admit...I didn't watch a minute of the game on Friday. I was out of town, and had planned to catch the 2nd half....but when I heard the score, I decided to sit this one out.
The Jazz were beat by a better team (who will be better next year) and had a great year. I don't feel like stating my opinions for roster moves going into next year---at least not while the wounds are fresh. Regardless, the man pictured above will be making some serious dough in the next couple years...let's pray it's in a Jazz uniform.
BTW, my brother-in-law saw Deron driving around town in a Maserati....When I first heard this story, I thought he said a Miata. I asked why D-Will would drive a girls car. I was quickly re-buffed---although if anyone could look cool driving a would Williams.

It's true...we hate you

Why are there so many dentists in the US? This is a group of people that are trying to promote health and good habits. And yet the majority of people hate their dentist. I don't mean they hate you personally (in most cases), but you are associated with so many negative things.
I'm what you call a "cash cow" in the dental industry. Replace the old fillings, you need a mouth guard, let's do 6 crowns in the next couple months, you're using the wrong toothbrush, toothpaste, and floss. In fact, you need to purchase a robot to brush your teeth for you. Unfortunately you insurance will only cover half. Bend over while you're at it.
I've just switched dentists since I moved. Every one puts me on the "pre-approved" list for myriads of dental work. I'd like to find a dentist that is a direct relative...that will give it to me straight. Then I could ask him--would you do this if you were me? Or--would you do this if you were me and made the same amount of money as me? Then I could expect an honest answer and go from there. Perhaps that is why there are so many dentists....everyone wants to see a relative. Kind of like real estate agents. Nobody likes them...but you're forced to see both...and then you hate them even more when you're finished.'re sitting in pre-med and contemplating which profession to choose. The guest speaker shares how he only works 4 days a week, makes a healthy 6-figure living, and is home by 4pm every day. Sign me up--you think. Seven years later, you're staring down into a colossal mess of nose hair. The remains of last night's Outback Caesar salad are both visible and detectable through smell. You draw a little blood with your ice-pick---he won't mind...I've numbed him. Water is going's like the Jurassic park ride at Universal. No've got full facial protection. In the mean-time, the patient is collecting a fine mist across his face--is it sweat? Is it mouth goo?
I also love when you the dentist asks you a few's like confession. You and him both know the truth...but you still lie anyway. "Do you floss daily?" Um...yes-sir. Do you use the fluoride treatment I gave you?" Um...most of the time. In the mean-time, you can tell he's searing your soul...he knows your lying.
So, here's to you dentists across the US...Dentist---healer, confessor, executioner.

Friday, May 16, 2008

No rolling over

Last season when the Jazz were facing elimination at the hands of the Spurs, the team seemed to give up. Not Deron Williams mind you---that boy literally carried our team in that series. AK and Memo seemed to be apathetic in their performances.

AK was rolling in the high-tempo Golden State series where he gave match up problems to the Warriors. When we met the Spurs, he became invisible. He's not a great post-up player, and it isn't until this year that he's found his stroke from the outside when he shoots within the offense and doesn't force shots.

Memo looked lackadaisical against Duncan. Not that Memo is a great defender in general...but he looked like he took many possessions off.

Let's hope tonight that Memo can get by his Achilles injury and hit some big shots. Just keeping a body on Gasol will help. I'd much prefer Gasol shooting 8 foot jumpers than getting layups. AK has been great in the LA series. His defense on Kobe has been great at times. Does Kobe get his 30-7-6 every game?? Yes...but AK is long and fairly quick on his feet. He's generally a better option that the other guys we have to guard Kobe.

Williams will get his, and I've already written Boozer off in this series. Sometimes I wish Milsap would get a little more court-time. At least he shows a little more on the defensive end...even if he averages a foul every couple of minutes.

Go Jazz!!

Running on the road to nowhere

This weekend we're headed out of town so my wife can go run a half-marathon. She's a running fool....she's to the point that it's not specifically to maintain weight and stay in shape. It's a mental enjoyment she has that I cannot understand on any level. I guess that's what happens when you have been running for well over 10 years.

I have dabbled in running over the time that I've been married. There has really never been a point where I'm like--I can't wait to run! It's more like--look at the cinnamon roll flab around my stomach. Time to submit my body to pain in hopes that it will not grow larger. Last fall I was running 3 miles a couple times a week. It felt OK..and was considerably more boring than watching Ellen. Did I see the 6-pack that I had as a college! Perhaps my affinity for foods containing over 50% fat by volume has something to do with it. Does my body like Nachos Bellgrande?--yes! Does my body like running?--not so much. Why submit my to Guantanamo-like torture? Well...I don't want to look like this:

I'm a reasonably fit person. Just shy of 6', and about 175 pounds. I eat a lot...I sit in a chair all day at work...I eat more...and yet I can't fathom how a person gets to the point that breathing becomes a chore. Do you wake up one day at 275 pounds and say...hmmm, I think I need to lose some weight? 275 doesn't look too bad. A year later, you're at 335 and still running strong. Pretty soon you're over 400 pounds and you've entered the "Maury Povich" zone. (Meaning that you're at risk of your family bringing you to the Maury Povich show for a food intervention) In between the sausage and bacon Mcgriddle, you think to yourself--how did this happen? I was bowling in the high 100's and playing guitar hero with ease just a few months ago. Now you save your diet mountain dew bottles....because it's just easier to go in them rather than miss the ending of Die Hard 2.

And therein lies the answer to why I think of running and say "I can't quit you." I don't want my ham hock thighs being used in some fat granularity experiment at a university after I've passed on. This---and I don't think I'll live much past 50. (a completely different post) So perhaps this will help me tack on another 4-5 years.

Thursday, May 15, 2008

Biology--or Psychology??

It's a well-known fact that many men don't wash their hands in the restroom. Some women don't...but they hit the sinks in far larger numbers than men. A CNN study in 2007 showed that 1/3 of males in a public restroom did not wash their hands after they used the restroom.
Now...this post is not to debate the grossness, cleanliness, or other fermunga-related items with non-hand-washers. (hereafter to be termed NHW's) I don't want to ask the question of why don't they wash...but why DO they??
I'll give you my personal case study of using public restrooms at workplaces over the last 7 years. My previous company was a large manufacturing plant. The restroom that I frequented was what I would consider a "high traffic facility." It was a 5-stall/6-urinal/4-sink bathroom. At any given time there would be at least half of these things in use---high traffic. I would guesstimate that roughly 80-90% of men washed their hands in this restroom. Much higher than the CNN number.
Compare that with my new employer. Also a large manufacturing plant. I have found a very quaint restroom facility with very low traffic. It is a single stall/double urinal/single sink gem that lets you enjoy the restroom process without wondering if someone is going to knock on the stall to see if you're almost finished. At times when I am using the stall, I have guesstimated the number of NHW's who come in and use the urinals and not wash at close to 40%!! Why the large discrepancy between the two?
Let's look at our original question--Why DO men wash their hands? Well, the majority probably realize how important cleanliness is, and don't want to leave "undercarriage doorknob." But there is another group of guys (NHW's)....whom if you were to follow to their home--rarely wash in private, but always do in public places. Therein lies the answer--Accountability and Embarrassment. At my first employer, many others were in the restroom at the same time, and it would easily be noticed who did not wash their hands. At my current employer in the "cozy" restroom, there is nobody to notice if somebody just quickly "walked out" after zipping up. I mean..who wants to take the time to turn on the sink, get soap, and use a paper towel. There are many more important things to shake some guys hand in the next meeting, or go make my sandwich for lunch.
There is a simple solution. Install red flashing lights outside every bathroom. Every time a toilet flushes, a sink must be turned on. If an NHW exits the bathroom without following this criteria, the red light starts flashing, and AC/DC's "dirty deeds done dirt cheap" start playing--thus a NHW is branded forever. I mean...even if you didn't want to wash--turn on the sink and fake it. Then...start watching those numbers hit 99% or more.

Blown Chances

They had their chances. Even after a turnover-filled 1st half, the Jazz had numerous chances to take the lead and win the game.

Fans may complain about the officiating (especially with Javie and Delaney), but that wasn't the problem....We just didn't hit our shots when it mattered most. Numerous times in the 3rd and 4th quarters we had an opportunity to go ahead--which I think would have been huge mentally--but couldn't do it. So we played to their level and fell short at the end.

Who do you blame??

The officials--no. The Lakers are a faster team getting to the while Kobe and Odom may not get much contact while going to the rim, they do a darn good job of initiating and selling the call. Kudos. Williams, AK and Boozer probably get as much contact, but aren't as successful at selling it...hopefully they will get better at this as the years go by.

Blame our bench?--no. Turnovers?--no..we overcame those in the 2nd half. Memo not hitting big shots?--no. I lay the bulk of the blame at the foot of Carlos Boozer. Although many others did also, I do not blame him for his lack of driving to the hoop. I actually thought he tried that on many occasions in the game. Odom and Gasol are very long, and give Booze problems. I do think he could initiate more body contact..but that's another post.

The blame is on Booze for his abhorrent, piss-poor defense. It is painful to watch Lamar Odom go casually by Boozer on almost every occasion for rebounds, dunks and layups. I firmly believe that if Boozer would "stay home" more often on defense and defensive rebounds, Odom would be having a pedestrian-like it is, he became the go-to-guy in the last two games. He was 8-12 in the game, and didn't shoot much outside of the paint. Ridiculous. Paint Boozer orange, and he'd be a traffic cone showing Odom which way to drive to the hoop. So while many Jazz fans are calling for him to be more aggressive and take it to the hoop, I just want him to keep a body on Odom at all times, and box him out. Go Jazz.

Oh...maybe I'll just complain about the refs a little bit. While they didn't do a terrible job of officiating, they did fall into the trap of "catering to the home crowd." I realize its hard to make unpopular calls on a home court, but sometimes you must "nut up" and do it. The Harpring no-call when he was run over was infuriating....but that's the way it goes.

And I don't care how much money it takes to wrap D-Willy up in a long-term deal--he carries this team through thick and thin. He's a warrior.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Go Jazz

Here's to the Jazz stealing game 5 from the Lakers and Kobe's bad back.

Here's a couple good pics of Sloan...great stuff:

Iron Mike

I bet if you polled junior high school boys about their favorite boxer, you would get blank stares....nobody knows any boxers anymore.
In 1987, you could have polled their favorite sports personality and overwhelmingly would have gotten the response--Mike Tyson!
I never watched boxing during that time...but I had access to the original Nintendo which opened up a new world of boxing prowess unbeknownst to young souls such as I. Muhammad Ali...who's he? George Foreman...huh? But the mere mention of Soda Popinski or Mr. Sandman would unleash tales of beating Super Macho Man en route to fighting Mike Tyson. Bragging didn't involve who could hit the ball further, or run faster, but telling friends that little mac didn't even get punched until the 2nd Piston Honda.
Oh the beauty of Nintendo. Based on Tecmo Super Bowl, I truly believed that Bo Jackson and Christian Okeye were the best and fastest players in the NFL. Why wouldn't you? If you called run1 or run2 with the Raiders, you had 15 yards every time.
Mike Tyson had the up and coming male generation in the palm of his hand. Unfortunately he squandered it away...beginning with his lazy "one-punch" technique he tried to use in every fight. When Buster Douglas came out of nowhere to knock Tyson out---I was shocked. Did I watch the fight? No...but I had heard---Iron Mike--the baddest man on the planet--had lost to a nobody. He tried a comeback, and was in line to fight Holyfield for the title when he stooped to a new low and was convicted of rape.
So as I grew older and Tyson came out of prison, I hoped that he had been reformed, and he would come back and shock the world as he had once done. Well...after biting off an ear, getting a bad case of the road-rage's, bankruptcy, and injuries, his career was basically over. I feel juked...who knows how many payperviews I chipped in to see him fight (way to go Spinks), or how high he could have raised. He could have been Tiger Woods, and has chosen to follow the path of Michael Jackson. The world was yours Iron Mike.....just ask Don Flamenco.

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

They Might Be Giants

Has there ever been an album you've hated to love more in your entire life than "Flood?" Is it rock, alternative, polka, lyrical genius?? Whatever it is, I recall many a day after junior high, coming home, throwing in the tape, and trying to sink a mini-basketball on a plastic hoop in my room. How's that for a disturbed youth---pretending to be Adrian Dantley at the foul line at the end of a game while singing "Particle Man"...all in a lonely room in the basement. Needless to say, I wasn't staying after school to play on the real team.

I mean...let's roll through the titles--gems in their own right:

Theme From Flood
Birdhouse in Your Soul
Lucky Ball & Chain
Your Racist Friend
Particle Man
We Want a Rock
Someone Keeps Moving My Chair
Hearing Aid
Minimum Wage
Whistling in the Dark
Hot Cha
Women & Men
Sapphire Bullets of Pure Love
They Might Be Giants
Road Movie To Berlin

Not too strange until you delve a little more into the lyrics--I mean I sang these at the top of my lungs even into the "Honda Accord years" when I was able to drive. I had no idea what I was singing about..and I probably hit at least 85% of the words correctly. Which reminds me of Sean's (friend) older brother who swore up and down that Color Me Badd had a hit song called "I want to SET you up"...I loved that song.

Lyrics from "Dead":
I returned a bag of groceries
Accidently taken off the shelf
Before the expiration date
I came back as a bag of groceries
Accidently taken off the shelf
Before the date stamped on myself
Did a large procession wave their
Torches as my head fell in the basket,
And was everybody dancing on the casket?
Now its over Im dead and I havent done anything that I want
Or, Im still alive and theres nothing
I want to doI will never say the word
Procrastinate again;
Ill never
See myself in the mirror with my eyes closed
I didnt apologize for
When I was eight and I made my younger brother
Have to be my personal slave
Did a large procession wave their
Torches as my head fell in the basket,
And was everybody dancing on the casket?
Now its over Im dead and I havent done anything that I want
Or, Im still alive and theres nothing I want to do

Why even have commas in that...who knows. Jonny Cash-esque it is not.

Ne'ertheless (I'm not even going to spell-check that one) I believe I could sing the entire album without the music playing along with Eric Sorenson. Is it any wonder that I didn't go to Prom until my Senior year??

I'll leave you with these words of Wisdom...

Particle man, particle man
Doing the things a particle can
Whats he like? its not important
Particle man
Is he a dot, or is he a speck?
When hes underwater does he get wet?
Or does the water get him instead?
Nobody knows, particle man

Coming Soon---Mike Tyson's (almost) conquest of the world.

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