Me: Hello Dr.
Dr Spitzer: Hello Matt. It's been a while since your last visit.
Me: I know. I've been busy.
Dr: With what? I haven't noticed any change in you daily schedule.
Me: Huh? Is that you parked in the green Camry every evening by my house?
Dr: Ahem...Let's move on, and discuss your problems.
Me: Fine. I had another "episode" at work.
Dr: Did this one involve an ice cream cone, handcuffs, and a shaved cat like the other episode?
Dr: Whoops sorry...that is Ruth Jones. Whoops...so much for Dr-Patient confidentiality.
Me: Anyhow, let me explain.
Me: I was sitting at my desk doing my daily work, when I was visited by a co-worker. A little chit-chat ensued, and I saw the conversation nearing an end. He then reached down and grabbed a pair of tweezers from my desk---
Dr: Excuse me? Why do you have tweezers at your desk? Are you a eyebrow plucker or shaver?
Me: These are not normal tweezers. They have a very fine point, and are used when I'm in the lab, and need to move something very small under a microscope.
Dr: Do you clean your teeth with them?
Me: What? That's gross.....although sometimes I pick at my fingernails with them.
Dr: Okay Quasimodo...that's much less disgusting.
Me: So, he grabbed the tweezers, and walked out of my cube. I was slightly dumbfounded, and just sat there for a minute. He returned a minute later, and said "Finished!"
Dr: Finished with what?
Me: He proceeded to tell me that was able to pluck his gray hairs by his ears with "pinpoint accuracy."
Me: No...No...Not impressive. Disgusting! My lab/fingernail tweezers were just used as a grooming tool for a stranger.
Dr: I'm not sure why you're so upset.
Me: I'm not finished.
Me: He then notices my earphones connected to my Mp3 player. They are the kind with removable squishy ear buds at the end. He asks if they have good sound quality, and I answered in the affirmative. He then proceeds to grab them, and stick them in his ears, and asks for a demo....like I'm running a second-hand Best-buy or something.
Dr: So...what did you do? Did you get upset? Did you ask him to put the earphones down?
Me: Not exactly.
Dr: What exactly.
Me: I turned on some music.
Dr: You are an enabler. He is obviously someone who has no issues invading personal space or possessions, and you just fed the beast.
Me: I was flabbergasted. I froze. I felt like I was 14 at a church youth dance, and Cami Dyer came up and asked me to slow dance. I didn't say anything...i just froze.
Dr: So what are you going to do?
Me: It's already done. I threw away the ear bud attachments and the tweezers.
Dr: Why didn't you just clean them off?
Me: There isn't enough rubbing alcohol in the world to cleanse the mental images. Those items are dead to me.
Me: In fact, at that point I wouldn't have been surprised if he stuck his hand down my pants and asked why I preferred boxers over briefs?
Dr: Did you want him to stick his hand down your pants?
Me: No!! I'm just saying that I was frozen, and felt "possession-raped."
Dr: Calm down mister...those are strong words...I should know. Here are my suggestions. Get a shiny marble, and cover it in pepper spray or mace. Leave it on your desk, and then when he returns, tell him that it is a "flavor-ball" direct from India. He'll pop that cleary into his mouth, and the hilarity will ensue.
Me: That sounds like a terrible thing to do.
Dr: Yes it does. And that suggestion is free...as a friend.
Me: Now, about your nightly voyeur habits....
Friday, June 19, 2009
Me: Hello Dr.
Friday, April 24, 2009
I hate people who just post Youtube videos on their site, but this one is too good to pass up.
It's not funny at all, but one of the most amazing things I've ever seen. Well worth the 5 minutes, especially what he does at 3:10.
This is the coolest thing from Scotland since bagpipes.
Friday, April 17, 2009
Dr Spitzer: Hello Matt. Please sit down. Can I get you some coffee?
Me: No thank you.
Dr: So, what's on your mind?
Me: Well, I had a terribly disgusting experience at work, and having nightmares about it.
Dr: Oh...I see. Is this the one with the janitor, and the urinal cakes--
Me: Can we please not talk about that anymore?
Dr: Yes..I'm sorry. Go on.
Me: You see, there is this guy I work with who comes over to my cube on a regular basis to chat.
Dr: You do realize this is healthy behavior...talking with co-workers.
Me: I haven't finished my story yet.
Dr: Oh...I thought that was the end. Go on.
Me: Well, yesterday he was sitting in my cube discussing something mundane, when in mid-sentence he hawked a loogie.
Dr: What was he trying to sell you?
Me: No..he hawked a loogie. You know...he snorted some mucus.
Dr: Don't you mean loagie?
Me: No...I think it's called a loogie.
Dr: Really? I have always called it a loagie. Maybe I'm getting it confused with a large sandwich. In fact, that's probably what they call a mucus hoagie---a loagie? Lol.
Me: Are you finished?
Dr: Go on, but I don't see the problem in pulling a little nasal snort in public. Many people do.
Me: I don't think you understand the depth of this snort. He was in the middle of his sentence and then paused. He gave a short blank stare, like he was pondering his situation, and then he dug down to the depths of his soul for this mucus ball. In fact, I've never seen a human being look so introspective while producing mucus. It was like he was performing some act of contrition.
Dr: So, we've established that he's fairly disgusting. Let it go.
Me: I haven't gotten to the worst part yet.
Dr: I apologize. By the way, if you start using that loagie joke, make sure you give me the credit.
Me: Sure. Anyhow, after stopping mid-sentence to visit the inner reaches of his nasal cavity, the unthinkable happened.
Dr: He pulled out a multi-pack of urinal cakes??
Me: I told you to drop that! No, he hawked this loogie, and it obviously ended up in his mouth.
Dr: How do you know?
Me: Let me repeat--Mid-sentence--Snort--Pause--and then....he started chewing on something. It was like some foreign object had entered his mouth, and his tongue was exploring the surface.
Dr: I'm riveted and disgusted at the same time...like when I get into the shower, and--
Me: Dr!! Please!
Me: So, he is obviously unsure about how to deal with this fleshy goo in his mouth.
Me: 3 chews, and a swallow.
Me: He just swallowed the little bastard, grabbed his coffee, and washed down the particulates and stragglers.
Dr: Right in front of you?
Me: Not only that, but then continued his sentence like none of this ever happened. I would have been less shocked had he pissed his pants. So I'm attempting to listen to his sentence, but I'm really just wondering if that's the mouth he kisses his momma with.
Dr: What would have him do? Spit it out?
Me: Yes!! His body was trying to expel the mucus, and he didn't follow through with the job.
Dr: This is truly a horrible experience. What can I do to ease your pain? Drugs?
Me: Sure...can I just get the combo pack again?
Dr: Done. My receptionist will have your prescription available at the front desk.
Me: Thanks Doc. I appreciate it.
Dr: Also, you forgot to pay for your last visit.
Me: You had me listen to Abba music for 30 minutes while you took a nap!
Dr: I love that Dancing Queen.